I am watching Rei in the corner of the library writing furiously in the leather red diary I had given her. She seems to have so much to write and as I glance over at Serenity who is seated on the other side of the room I see her writing slowly and painstakingly in her pale pink diary her eyes filled with tears. Beside me I see Minako tapping her pen thoughtfully against her cheek as she thought of what else to write but I can see she has already written pages in her orange diary. Makoto I can hear behind me speaking aloud what she has written trying to make sense of it all so I imagine that her forest green diary is also full of her feelings. These diaries had been my idea in the first place yet I stare down at my own diary and see a blank page. How to begin? The reason I had suggested all of us write how we feel in the diaries is because I felt that we were all slipping away from each other and I couldn't let that happen. We were divided from each other now but this wasn't how we used to be, we used to be the best of friends, but that was so very long ago. I don't know what the others are writing about but I would hazard a guess that they are talking about the ones they have lost. Rei and her Kaidou, Minako and her Umino, Makoto and Shinozaki and Serenity…the only thing Serenity has lost are us. And what about my loss? My darling Taiki. The man who showed me that there was more to life than grades and friends, that there was also love to be found and I found it in him. The day he returned from his planet and appeared at my doorstep was when I first discovered that love could overcome all obstacles; it was only after Crystal Tokyo that I realised that love couldn't overcome one thing, death.
I had opened the door sleepily the day he returned and was shocked to be staring into the eyes of the one person I had not expected to see ever again.
"Taiki," I breathed and he had smiled his lopsided grin that made my heart jump and I felt a familiar thud in my chest the way I always did when I saw him.
"The one and only," he replied giving a bow and I couldn't help but laugh, more out of nervousness that humour.
"Why are you here?" I asked in amazement and Taiki looked wounded.
"You don't seem very happy to see me," he said folding his arms across his chest looking hurt and I couldn't quite hold back my happiness at having ham back on Earth again.
"Oh I am! I…" I blushed furiously as he smiled again and I struggled to remain cool, calm and collected as I added, "It is just such a shock to see you."
"I returned to see you, I also have a message from my princess for you," he said winking and I wondered what could the Princess possibly have to tell me.
"And it is?" I asked and Taiki simply handed me a letter that was sealed with a wax symbol indicating the Princess had written it indeed.
I curiously slid my finger and broke the seal then opened the letter to read.
Lady Ami,
Ever since we have returned to our home planet Taiki has done nothing but pine over you and so I have returned him to you, please care for him, I know you will and if sometime in the future you two decide to marry do not forget to invite us to the wedding,
Yours truly,
Princess Kakyuu and the now Two Starlight's
"What does it say?" a voice startled me and I realised Taiki had still been waiting and just watching my face as I read the letter.
"Umm…just hello and so on," I tried to cover my embarrassment and he leaned against the doorjamb obviously not yet ready to go.
"Oh, well I had three reasons for coming to see you today, now that one of them has been delivered I have only two more things to do," he told me and I raised an eyebrow instantly curiously, not knowing what else he would want.
"And those are?" I asked him tilting my head to one side and Taiki grinned down at me mischievously.
"This," he said simply bending his head and pressing his lips to mine quickly then he pulled away blushing as I knew I was and he added, "And an invitation to dinner."
"I accept," I replied breathless and Taiki looked like he was going to go jump over the moon, his eyes were wide and excited.
"I'll pick you at seven then," he arranged the time and I could barely say a word I was so shocked.
"Ok," I managed to squeak and he turned and started walking away then he turned around as though he had an afterthought.
"I'll will be counting the minutes till I see you again, farewell," he spouted romantically and then clambered down the stares leaving me to stare after him.
At first I didn't know what to expect. All I knew was the man I adored was taking me to dinner. Immediately I had rung up Usagi and Rei and both were so excited that they had both volunteered to come over and dress me up for the date even though I tried to dissuade them. They arrived two hours before bringing dresses of theirs and make up too and excitedly chattering they bundled me into the bathroom and I was told to sit down while they gave me manicures, pedicures and a full hair styling. After going through my wardrobe and their own they were trying to decide which one of two dresses that I should wear. One belonged to me and it was a simple plain blue dress with a sweetheart neckline and a full skirt down to the floor. The other belonged to Rei and it was black with a halter neckline and a long skirt to that reached my calves. After trying one then the other and then trying them both on again they both turned to me and asked me which one I liked better. As I stared at myself in the mirror I thought that Taiki had asked Ami and not some gorgeous young woman, and although I looked lovely and grown up in the black dress I wanted to go as Ami and so I chose the blue dress. Usagi and Rei were happy with my choice and after finding me the perfect shoes I was standing in front of them getting a last minute look over when the doorbell rang. Usagi and Rei exchanged glances then hurried into the kitchen leaving me on my own.
I pulled at my dress and primped my hair once before going to the door and opening it. Taiki's face was priceless he looked as though he had come face to face with an angel and later after we were married he did confess to me that's what he thought I was that day. Of course I was also amazed how good Taiki looked. He was very formally dressed in a pair of neat black slacks and a white button up shirt; in his hands he held a single daisy.
"You look…beautiful," he told me after a few moments handing me the daisy, which I took blushing deeply.
"You don't look so bad yourself," I commented back then I heard a giggle coming from the kitchen followed by a harsh whisper that sounded like,
"Keep it quiet meatball head, they'll hear us."
My eyes widened in embarrassment but Taiki looked like he hadn't noticed so I entwined the daisy in my hair and was about to shut the door when Taiki popped his head inside the door and said,
"Bye Usagi, bye Rei," and I nearly died when I heard a chorus of,
"Bye Taiki!"
I was about to apologise but Taiki was laughing and so I laughed with him and let him lead me to his car wondering what other surprises would be upon me tonight.
Thankfully dinner went well as we talked and danced and ate and danced some more. During the last dance of the night was when it happened. I remember everything so clearly. Taiki was looking deeply into my eyes and I was looking into his and his strong arms were around me holding me close to him.
"Ami, I came back to Earth because of you, because I couldn't stand to be apart from you," he confessed and I was silent not wanting to ruin what he had to say and Taiki brought his head closer to mine.
"You couldn't?" I asked finally and after what seemed like an eternity of looking into each other's eyes Taiki shook his head slowly.
"Nope, and so, my dearest Ami, I am going to ask you something that has brought me light years from my home, will you be my girlfriend?" he asked simply and I was stunned and I was sure my mouth had dropped open. I had never been anyone's real girlfriend and Taiki would be my first real boyfriend and I realised that I would want my first boyfriend to be no one else.
"Oh yes," I replied happily smiling up into Taiki's now elated face and for the second time that day Taiki bent his head and kissed me. It wasn't like the first kiss; this kiss was slow and soft, deep and meaningful and so sweet. When we parted and I looked up into his eyes I knew then that this was the man I would love forever.
And I think I will love him forever because forever is what I have. My life was so good back then, I was dating a wonderful man and we were both studying to become doctors with a dream of opening a doctor's surgery together. We had already planned out our future together; we knew what we wanted and how we hoped our lives would be. Six months later Taiki took me to that same restaurant and asked me something that changed my life forever. Taiki had picked me up from my house and placed a blindfold over my eyes.
"Do you trust me?" I heard him whisper in my ear and I giggled lightly.
"You know I do," I replied meaning what I said. There was no one I trusted more in the word aside from my friends.
We drove in the car to the restaurant though at the time I had no idea where we were. He had raced around to open my door and help me out then with one arm around my waist and the other arm holding my hand he led me inside and sat me down at a table I later realised was exactly the same table we sat at when we had our first date.
"Are you ready?" he asked me and I heard the teasing in his voice.
"All right Taiki, what's this big surprise?" I asked and I felt him remove the blindfold. As I opened my eyes I saw a huge ice cream cake in front of me piled high with all sorts of assorted ice cream, sprinkles and toppings finished off with a cherry on the top. As I gazed at it I thought that it looked like a Makoto creation.
"Oh Taiki if I eat all that, I'll look like a big blob and would you love me still if I were a blob?" I asked Taiki laughing as I looked up at him and to my surprise he turned serious and went down on one knee in front of me. I looked around and saw everyone in the restaurant had stopped what he or she was doing to watch us. I blushed and looked down at Taiki who smiled at me comfortingly. I will never forget what he said to me.
"Ami, I love you unconditionally, it was because of you I travelled so far to be reunited with you and I swear I will travel across galaxies if it meant I would find you at the end, I know that we have only been together for six months but my love for you spans over eternity and always will, Ami will you be my wife?" Taiki asked me producing a sapphire engagement ring and I stared at him and with a look of amazement I took the ring from him.
"You know I will, I love you," I replied bending my head to kiss his lips gently as I put on the ring and around us we heard clapping and Taiki blushed a deep red standing up and taking a seat opposite me still embarrassed at the spectacle we were making.
"I love you Princess Ami," he said to me taking a cherry from the ice cream cake and popping it into my mouth.
We had decided to hold off our wedding until Crystal Tokyo. We wanted to married in the world of the future where we were sure our dreams would come true. So we watched as Rei and Kaidou were married six months later. They were the first of the senshi to marry. Minako returned that year for the wedding, it had been three years since we had seen her but we had all kept in touch although Minako had forgotten to tell us one important aspect of her life. She was engaged to Umino. We found out this information at Rei's wedding and we were all happy and justly shocked. Minako always did like to make a scene. Another year later Minako and Umino were married as well. Lastly Makoto and Shinozaki who had been together for at least four or five years by then decided that they couldn't wait any longer and they also tied the knot. Taiki and I used to laugh that we were the first to get engaged and the last to be married but we didn't regret it, we had promised each other we would never regret anything we did. We married the day after Crystal Tokyo was created, before we found out that horrible information. Rei and Kaidou had only just returned in time for the wedding which was a simple quick affair but it was special to me because all my friends were there smiling encouragingly. Those were such happy times for everyone. Sometimes I curse the way I was inquisitive of everything. If I hadn't wondered why, when I cut myself on a kitchen knife, that the wound just healed back up again then I wouldn't have discovered that the senshi couldn't die and I would have saved everyone a lot of heartache. But everything did happen that way and I did do the tests, and I did ruin my friend's lives. Serenity's unhappiness is my entire fault.
I remember how my blood had turned cold when I had read the results of my experiments. Taiki had gone to get us both some coffee so I was on my own in the lab. I was holding the paper and I was sure my face had gone a ghostly white colour for when Taiki entered the lab he had stopped in the doorway and stared at me. On the paper I held was what I most feared and I watched as my hand began to tremble.
"Ami what is it?" Taiki asked abandoning the coffee onto a small table and walking over to me. I couldn't speak, my tongue felt like a block of lead and still in shock I just handed him the paper. Taiki glanced down at it and I saw his face harden when he read what I had. We both stood there in complete silence not knowing what else we could say. Suddenly Taiki scrunched up the paper into a ball and threw it in anger against the wall then reached over, grabbed a cup of coffee and threw that against the wall as well. I cringed when the cup connected with the wall and raised haunted eyes to meet Taiki's.
"That was the cup I gave you for your birthday," I said and then I laughed. Taiki watched me laugh and he gazed back at the broken cup and realised what I'd said was true.
"I'm sorry Ami," he apologised coming over to me, as my laughter became sobs as he crushed me to his chest tightly as though he never wanted to let go.
"Why us Taiki? Why does everything bad have to happen to us?" I cried into his shoulder and Taiki could not reply as he just held me in his arms.
It took me a few minutes to stop crying and when I finally did I called Rei on the communicator and asked her to gather everyone and get them to come to my lab as quickly as she could. She was a little disturbed by my dull tone but happily promised she would and giving me a little salute and a wink she went off to do as I'd asked. That was Rei, as we knew her now, happy and carefree much like Serenity had been when we had first met her though I never dared tell Rei that. Taiki sat me down on a chair and gave a deep sigh as he closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. I knew when he did that something was perplexing him and he was trying to think hard.
"What's wrong?" I asked him worriedly raising a hand to his face and running my fingers over his closed lids and Taiki opened his eyes, his eyes stared into mine with deep regret.
"Don't tell the others," he said simply and I stared at him loving him for his compassion yet hating him for asking me to go against what I felt to be the right thing to do. He didn't want to hurt the others by telling them this information that I had discovered and, bless his dear soul, I think he believed they would be better off not knowing. I wanted to agree with him, that it would be better that they didn't know but I knew that the others had a right to know so that they could prepare themselves for what was inevitable.
"I have to," I replied adamantly and before Taiki could speak I added in defence, "they have a right to know."
"It will destroy them," he warned me and I bowed my head not able to hold his eyes. I knew he wanted me to keep it a secret but I couldn't. In a way I was also selfish. I didn't want to have to deal with this knowledge by myself, I needed the other girls to support me and they would need my support when I told them.
"That's possible but they have to prepare themselves for it, I have a responsibility to them," I impressed upon Taiki who I saw was beginning to agree with me.
"They will not take it well," he tried to dissuade me again but I couldn't let him.
"You'd expect them too?" I asked him surprised but he shook his head.
"No of course not, but they are not all like you, Minako is very frail, as are the others though they don't show it," Taiki told me taking my hand a pleading look in his eyes but I pulled my hand form his and stood up to pace the room thoughtfully. The choice was mine and I knew inside my heart that I was making the right choice.
"I have to tell them Taiki, please stop trying to talk me out of it," I begged and Taiki immediately sensed that I had made up my mind and he gave up and nodded his head.
"Very well but I want to let you know I don't agree with you," he said and I walked to the door where I knew the others would be waiting ready to hear my news.
"I know," I said to him before walking out to give them the devastating news as Taiki followed me shaking his head.
That was our first and only fight and sometimes I wish I had done what he had asked and not told the others. But what if I hadn't? They would have wondered why they weren't aging while their husbands were, and I would've eventually had to tell them and they would have hated me for not telling them earlier so they could cherish even more the time that they shared with their husbands. I still maintain that I was right in telling them and I loved my dearest Taiki for his compassion for them. Perhaps because we were all aware that our time together would be limited we spent so much time together with our loves. Taiki and I took long moonlit walks, took picnics together and spent as much time as we could in each other's company even if it was just to sit together reading. Before he died Taiki used to just hold me in his arms and we would watch the sun rise together and I often wondered if anyone in the world was as happy and as sad as we were because we knew that soon we would be parted. Those times were the highlights of my entire life and now that they have passed I see only darkness ahead.
How I loved him. We were so perfect together, and fate had to tear us apart. I know the other girls think I am past my suffering, that I have moved on from my memories of Taiki but they are wrong, so very wrong. I suffer at night; I suffer when I am alone, whenever I have time to think about my pitiful situation. Sometimes I am mad at the senshi for treating me like an inexperienced naïve girl but I am not. After all I was the first to remember in this time that I was a senshi. Apart from Sailor Moon I am the oldest senshi and yet the others think of me as naïve Ami. Gentle Ami who could never be angry and never hate. They are so wrong sometimes I laugh to myself when I think how mistaken they are. I am angry, I am angry with destiny for taking away Taiki, I am angry with destiny for not letting me be a normal person, I am angry with destiny for making me hate, and the one thing I truly hate? The one thing in the world that I despise among everything? Is myself. Why did it have to be me to discover our eternal life? I hate myself for being who I am. Isn't that a strange thing? For one to hate the very being that they are, but I do, which so much vehemence that I sometimes scare myself. I know the girls will tell me it wasn't my fault, but somehow I feel it is. The fact that none of the girls talk to Serenity is because of me, because of me and my damn insatiable want of knowledge. I knew one day my thirst for knowledge would be my downfall, and it was, it was. I know I shouldn't say this but I am angry with Taiki for leaving me on my own in this world. I know he had no choice, but he left me on my own and I can't bare it any longer, I can't. Taiki admired Serenity so much, it was because I promised him I would do so after his death that I talk to Serenity and I even find myself feeling better after talking with her. She always did understand how I felt, she understood how all of the senshi felt. That's why to see us, the senshi, so against Serenity, the one person who truly loved us, who despite all our faults, was the one who recognised us as special and praised our gifts, is so hated. I know Taiki wouldn't have wanted me to pine for him like this but I cannot help it. Perhaps one day my wounds will heal but I know that there will be scars so still I strive to do what Taiki thought would be best and try and go on with my life. And Serenity dear Serenity, she smiles at me from across the library and I can't help but be thankful I have her. I am thankful for the other girls too, even if they are not the girls I used to know I will always cherish the memories I have of them stored away in the deepest recesses of my heart. I love you my friends, don't let your unhappiness consume you, let it out, what would our husbands be thinking if they could see us today?
