Jupiter
The stars really are beautiful. I never knew until Shinozaki had pointed them out to me one night before we were married, before our whole love relationship. I once asked Shinozaki how you could suddenly think of someone as a lover when they have only ever been your friend. He had smiled his special smile that I knew he saved for me alone and told me that the feelings were always there, they just needed to find the courage to surface. I thanked God everyday after that for allowing my feelings for Shinozaki to have the courage to reveal themselves to me. I can't imagine a life without ever experiencing the love Shinozaki and I shared. I know the other senshi couldn't imagine never loving their sweet husbands, their so very dead husbands, just like mine. I never talked to the others about Shinozaki and they never talked about their lost husbands with me, I guess we all felt that it was our private pain, something we had to deal with by ourselves, I think perhaps we were wrong in thinking that way. My handsome, dependable Shinozaki, I miss him so much, I know the others miss their husbands too but that doesn't make my pain less, in fact the pain worsens when I think of how unhappy my friends are. I hate to think of them unhappy. I know they always do what they can to make me happy. The others never knew that I began drinking heavily. How could I tell them? It all began after Shinozaki's death. At first it was just a drink here and there to help me through the pain, isn't that how all addictions start? Then it was a drink every night to help me sleep, followed by one every morning to get me through the day. After that it was whenever I could. Breath mints became my best friends, keeping from the senshi my dependence upon the foul liquid that gave me release from everyday pain. It was in these states of drunkenness that I remembered all the moments Shinozaki and I had shared. One in particular was when we first discovered our feelings for each other were real feelings that one held for a boyfriend and girlfriend. We had gone to a celebration festival together on summer's day. There were all sorts of rides, show bags and prizes to win and Shinozaki and I had enjoyed every minute we spent together at the festival. He had won me the hugest green dragon stuffed toy at the dart-throwing stand and I know we had both blushed when the loud man behind the counter handed me the dragon as he yelled,
"And this is for the pretty lady, your girlfriend hey young man? Aren't you a lucky young man?"
Shinozaki had turned to me a bashful look on his face although his eyes were guarded.
"Something like that," he muttered to the man grabbing my hand and dragging me away.
We had both laughed the insinuation off but later that day as we sat upon the carousel next to each other on separate horses I stared at him when he wasn't looking and wondered briefly what it would be like to kiss his sensual lips. Shinozaki suddenly turned to me and stared into my eyes with his deep brown ones and I felt as though he was aware of what I had been thinking and he, very slowly, leant towards me and I felt as though time had slowed especially for us. I closed my eyes and felt him brush his lips across mine briefly. As I opened my eyes I suddenly felt in my heart something for Shinozaki that had not been there before and I was both excited and frightened by it at the same time. We didn't say anything for a while as the carousel went round and round. Suddenly I found my voice.
"Shinozaki, I…" I tried to confess to Shinozaki my new feelings for him but Shinozaki had already begun apologising.
"I'm sorry Mako-chan I couldn't resist, I have wanted to kiss you for so long that I wasn't even thinking, forgive me," Shinozaki interrupted me bowing his head shamefully over the mane of the carousel horse and I took a deep breath to reveal what was in my heart.
"Shinozaki you know I would forgive you anything, but I won't forgive you for what happened," I stated surely and Shinozaki looked up at me fear in his eyes and I could see he thought that he had lost me as a friend but I just smiled at him, "because I wanted you to kiss me."
"You did?" Shinozaki asked in disbelief after staring at me for the longest time and I nodded slowly.
"Uh huh, only I didn't realise how much until you kissed me, please kiss my again," I pleaded and Shinozaki was eager to do as I asked but as he leaned across again he frowned as a sudden thought passed through his mind.
"Mako-chan, I know your usual guy type and I don't fit that place but I was hoping that perhaps you and I could become more than friends," Shinozaki asked officially and I reached over and took his hand in mine and squeezed it.
"There's nothing I would want more," I told him with conviction and Shinozaki smiled at me, a smile that lit up his whole face.
"Me either," Shinozaki agreed and closed the gap between us pressing his lips to mine.
And so it was done. We had taken the huge leap and crossed the bridge of friendship to set up shop in a palace of love. And I have never regretted it. How could I? This love brought me everything I could have ever dreamed of. Shinozaki understood me like no other, not even the other girls. When I was frustrated and a cooking experiment went wrong he was there to calm me down and work things out for me and it was because of Shinozaki that I opened my own restaurant. It had been a surprise for my twentieth birthday from my darling boyfriend who gave me everything. He had taken me to the building on night and even as I stared at it, all blank and dull I could imagine a restaurant in it even before Shinozaki had announced that the building was for me.
"What are we doing here Shinozaki?" I asked curiously smiling knowing that Shinozaki had something special planned because he looked like he had a frog in his pocket, little did I know that it wasn't quite a frog in his pocket.
"You'll see Mako-chan," he told me secretly and intrigued I followed him as he gestured that I open the door.
"This better be a nice surprise," I warned him as I opened the door, "I better not see any ghosts."
"SURPRISE!" voices cried out as the door opened and the lights turned on and as I gazed around I saw the faces of all my friends. I immediately turned to Shinozaki who was grinning like an idiot.
"You planned this for me?" I asked him throwing my arms around his neck and showering him with kisses.
"Well we helped too but I don't think I want the same reward Shinozaki," Minako added smiling mischievously as she came up to me and Shinozaki holding a large present in her hands and behind her the other three girls were standing there smiling.
"Thank you guys, so much, this means a lot to me," I admitted to them tears shining in my eyes and the girls all surrounded me and hugged me. I felt so special then, I knew they all cared about me so much and it felt good to know it.
"Your welcome Makoto now lets party!" Usagi said happily gesturing to Mamoru to turn up the music, which he did, and bodies began dancing to music. Mamoru gestured to Usagi to join him on the dance floor where he stood waiting for her and after wishing me Happy Birthday again Usagi gracefully sailed across the dance floor into his waiting arms knocking one or two people onto the ground as she did so. Rei and Ami had kissed me on the cheek and then joined Kaidou and Taiki who were having an in depth conversation on the balcony. Both girls had begged their lovers to dance with them and Kaidou had given Taiki a desperate glance before he began dancing with Rei. I had laughed remembering when I had last watched Minako, Usagi and Rei dance with three poor young boys and stepped on each and every one of their toes.
"Good luck Kaidou and Mamoru," I called out to the two men who were watching their girlfriends feet intently as I added, "you'll need it."
"Thanks for the support Mako-chan," Mamoru had replied looking away from Usagi's feet and then I heard his cry of alarm and Kaidou and Rei laughing followed by Usagi's apologies and I shook my head smiling fondly at my friends. Lastly Minako handed me the present and she also kissed my cheek.
"Open it later," she whispered to me before she went to join Umino and the two began trying out some crazy dance moves that were soon being copied by the rest of the senshi.
Motoki chose that moment to come over and he kissed my cheek softly.
"Happy Birthday Makoto," he told me in a friendly way hugging me and strangely I felt none of the crush I had for him when I had been in High School. I was both happy and upset about it as I realised my childhood crushes were now a thing of the past.
"Thanks for everything Motoki, don't forget me while your over in Africa," I said smiling up at him. Motoki and his wife, Reika, had decided to go to Africa so that Motoki could service the sick children with his skills as he had become a doctor and Reika could study insects. It was the perfect arrangement for them both but I sure was going to miss him, all the girls were. He had been a true friend to the senshi and we adored him for his brotherly advice when we were in need.
"As if I could forget any of you girls, I'll miss you all, especially you," he said winking at me and I felt my knees wobble as they always did when Motoki winked at me.
"I'll miss you too," I whispered and Motoki kissed my cheek once more and went to join his wife on the dance floor staring at her like she was his reason to smile leaving me to stand there smiling as I imagined Shinozaki and I married one day looking at each other the way Motoki looked at Reika. Shinozaki then came to me his arms encircling my waist.
"Should I be jealous?" Shinozaki growled in my ear and I laughed pleasantly.
"No way because you're the only guy for me," I replied simply and I turned to Shinozaki throwing my arms around his neck again with joy, "This is a great party Shinozaki, have I told you I love you yet?"
"Not in the last few hours," Shinozaki reminded me smiling cheekily and I kissed his lips once lingeringly.
"Well I love you," I told him happily and Shinozaki looked like he was about to fly to the moon and I laughed at him again.
"I love you too, now I have two presents for you," Shinozaki told me excitedly and I felt his excitement run through me.
"Two?" I gulped in amazement, wondering what two presents Shinozaki could have thought to give me.
"Yup, number one is this," Shinozaki announced proudly gesturing around the room.
"What?" I asked looking around at all the people dancing unsure of what he was talking about and I frowned at him in confusion.
"This building, for you to open up your own restaurant," he explained and I was speechless with shock.
"My own restaurant?" I finally choked out and Shinozaki laughed at me.
"It's what you've always wanted to do right? My family is in real estate remember? I mentioned you wanted to open a restaurant to my father and my father found this place and brought it for a reasonable price," Shinozaki told me as though it were really a simple procedure and I threw my arms around him again.
"Yes it is, oh Shinozaki, thank you so much, I don't know what else to say," I said giggling happily staring around at the building again and Shinozaki took my chin in his fingers and forced me to look into his eyes that were suddenly serious.
"I don't want you to say a word yet," Shinozaki said huskily and he shakily reached into his pocket, "Makoto will you marry me?"
Having said this Shinozaki had placed on my finger the most gorgeous emerald engagement ring I had ever seen and I squealed with delight as I admired it. I looked at Shinozaki my eyes shining then I smiled and contained my excitement.
"On one condition," I said and Shinozaki sensed himself being pulled into something, I know he did because his eyes narrowed playfully.
"Which is?" he asked curiously and I poked him in the chest.
"You become the maitre de at my restaurant," I gave him the ultimatum and Shinozaki looked shocked that I had considered him the person to take up that position.
"Done," Shinozaki punctuated the statement with a kiss then pulled me into his arms as we began to dance slowly swaying from side to side lost in the love we both shared together. Hours later, when dawn was almost upon us I lifted my head from Shinozaki's shoulder surprised to discover almost everyone had left bar the senshi and their loves.
"Shinozaki, our lives are perfect, I don't think anyone could be as happy as you and I are right now," I told him and Shinozaki looked over at the others who were all staring at their loves with open love and adoration and grinned down at me.
"I don't know Mako-chan, there could be some rivals," he teased jerking his head towards the others but I didn't even glance over at them.
"I stand by what I said," I said to him firmly and Shinozaki leant his head in closer towards me.
"And I will always stand by you," he swore to me kissing me once more.
Later that night I opened the present from Minako and the girls. Inside was a wedding dress, a white lace garter, a blue bracelet, dangly moon earrings and a special necklace with the sign of Jupiter dangling from it followed by a note.
Dearest Mako-chan,
These presents are gifts from the hearts of us, your sisters. Shinozaki confessed to us he would ask you to marry him tonight and so we took the liberty of fulfilling the traditional rhyme for you. Come on Makoto you know the one; we had enough trouble finding all the things for it at Usagi's wedding. For your wedding you must have something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Usagi decided to donate you her old earrings from when she was Sailor Moon. Rei donated something borrowed, her garter that she used in her wedding. Something blue from Ami was her bracelet and from me something new which happens to be this fantastic necklace. I had it made especially for you, I hope you like it. Good luck with the wedding, it will be perfect I know it. We are all so happy for you. We can all finally be happy. You deserve happiness, we all do. So lets cross our fingers for each other and wish for a lifetime of happiness with the ones we love. It will have to come true if all of us wish it!
See you at your wedding,
Love Minako
And so Shinozoki and I were married. We were actually the last couple of the senshi to marry, something that we didn't mind. Rei and Kaidou had been the first to get married followed by Minako and Umino. Usagi and Mamoru had married next even though I had caught the garter at Minako's wedding much to Usagi's annoyance. Shinozaki and I were the last couple to marry in the old Tokyo and Ami and Taiki were the first couple to be married in Crystal Tokyo even though they had been engaged for longer than Shinozaki and myself. I spent all my years beside Shinozaki, loving him, caring for him and he spent his life with me. The years passed by and before my eyes he grew older and older while I remained the same.
I was the only one of the senshi who was fortunate enough to be by the bedside of the one I loved before he died, and Shinozaki was the last of our husbands to die. I don't know if I was the lucky one. When Kaidou had passed away Rei had been sent to check the perimeters of Crystal Tokyo and check on the defence maintenance and when she returned and discovered he had died she had ranted and raved and screamed horrible things at Serenity, at everyone, before shutting herself in her room to cry her heart out. Umino had died while Minako had been accompanying Queen Serenity on a delegate mission to the other cities still left on Earth and when Minako had found out that Umino had passed on she shut herself in her room, and didn't leave her room for many days. Ami had been at the birth of Rini when Taiki had passed on. Imagine how hard it must have been for her to have to choose between saying goodbye forever to the man she loves or giving birth to a child of the woman who made it so she would live on and Taiki would die. I don't know what I would have chosen, I try not to think about it too much for fear I might think more of Shinozaki than Serenity. Shinozaki had beckoned me to his bed and gripped my hand with surprising strength for an eighty-five year old man. Even though his hair was grey and his skin was wrinkly, to me he was still the most handsome man in the whole entire world. I can laugh wryly as I think about all the strange looks people gave us when we walked through the streets of Tokyo dressed in disguise so no one would guess our identities holding hands with each other and kissing each other every so often. I know the people must have been wondering what a young girl like me was doing with a guy old enough to be my grandfather. What they didn't know was I was old enough to be a grandmother. Even as I sat by Shinozaki's bedside I was speechless. What could one say to the man whom she couldn't live without? I felt as though there were no words to express the torment I was going through. His hand was warm in mine and I nuzzled his hand with my nose gently and I sensed him smile.
"Mako-chan," he croaked his eyes searching my face.
"Yes my love?" I said my eyes filling with tears and I felt his hand reach over and wipe them away.
"Do not cry for me, I can't stand to see you cry," Shinozaki asked me and I sniffed back my tears, eager to make his passing as pleasant as I could.
"I don't want you to leave," I muttered to him and Shinozaki smiled up at me.
"I am not leaving you, I am always with you in spirit and my heart belongs to your heart as it always has," Shinozaki swore to me and I pressed a hand to my heart then to his lips.
"And my heart belongs to yours," I returned the oath and Shinozaki closed his eyes.
"Shinozaki," I whispered endearingly and slowly Shinozaki's eyes fluttered open and after glancing around hazily his eyes focused on me.
"My brave, strong dragon," he said finally lifting a hand to caress my cheek soothingly.
"I thought you had left me," I said nuzzling his neck not willing to let him go.
"I will never leave your heart, remember that," he told me his speech becoming raspy as he added, "I am afraid I must leave you again, this time for real."
"No, its so unfair," I cried out pressing his hand to her forehead wishing with all my might that some of my eternal life would flow into him but all in vain.
"Promise me…promise me you will never forget me…unto the portals of death…and beyond," Shinozaki quoted an old Egyptian saying with his last breath and his eyes closed for the last time a strange smile on his face and his head fell limply to the side. I reached out with my arm to caress his cheek and I closed my eyes tightly to stem the flow of tears that were threatening to pour forth. In death he looked as handsome and loving as he did when he was alive.
"Goodbye my love, farewell my heart," I said softly and, after pressing my fingers to my lips then pressing my fingers to his lips lightly, I turned and left the room not wanting to cry over him, he wouldn't have wanted that. He was given a beautiful burial. I didn't want to go to it. I didn't think I could stand seeing him being lowered into the cold earth without me beside him. In the end it was Rei who forced me to go. She told me that I had to forget him and this would be the easiest way to begin to forget Shinozaki and I realised it was her way of telling me that her being at Kaidou's burial had helped her too. Seeing the tombstone helped to remind me that Shinozaki was no longer with me and so Rei was right. The other senshi tried to help me deal with the loss but they were all still dealing with their own losses and I didn't find much comfort there even though I knew they cared about me their pain was so great that they didn't have the energy to try and help another person with a pain as big as theirs.
And dear dear Serenity, a woman whom loved and cherished me and the other girls almost as much as our husbands cherished us, perhaps more so. Why can't I forgive her yet? Why? Because I knew that I should have died. I should have died along time ago and it is all her fault that I can't die. It's her fault that I can't be reunited with Shinozaki or is it? I know it's because of her love for us that I can never be with Shinozaki, ever. I don't know whether to be grateful for her love or not. It was her love that had saved me many a time from death and how ironic it was that now it was her love stopping me from death. I love Serenity, we all do, all of the senshi love her, we just find it hard to interact with the cause of all our pain. These past fifty years of hell that I have had to live through, I don't know how much more I can take. I can't stand to talk to her, I can't look at her, all I see is Shinozaki, in a coffin and I hear those thoughts running through my head. The thoughts that tell me I should have been there with Shinozaki, wherever he was and yet I can never be with him ever. And so I stare at the sky anywhere but at Serenity. I see Shinozaki's lovely blue eyes shining in the sky and I can almost hear his pleasant laughter in my ears, this life is torture for me and yet it won't end. I can't make it end; there is nothing I can do. I hate the feeling of complete helplessness but I can't escape it. Lately I have begun to think Hell would be a better option to the life I am 'living' now. I feel like the control of my life has ripped from my grasp and given to Serenity, which is probably a good thing. Shinozaki. Shinozaki. Shinozaki. He's been gone for so long now and I know he wouldn't want me to have pined over him like this; he would be so disappointed with me. Perhaps it is finally to time to leave him in peace and to make my peace with Serenity and the others. Perhaps, finally the time has come.
