To the World and Back : baby sitting blues
" " : spoken
: thought
( ) : translated
---
Ukyo sighed. Then cringed when another contraction made itself felt. Konatsu was here, a mask on his mouth, while a doctor and a midwife were helping his wife give birth. Nothing had ever hurt like this, not even the most intensive part of her training.
"Okay, take a deep breath, hold it, when you feel the next one coming, PUSH!"
"HUUUUNGGG!"
"Come on, I can see the head! Do that again!"
"You have it easyYYYY! #&@!! Doc!"
"Very good! It's almost over!"
"*Pant pant* Next time I get drunk Konatsu, you better not forget the rubbeeeEEEERDAAAAMNN IT!"
"Keep you breath Ukyo-sama, you are nearly there."
"(CENSORED)!!!"
A wail made itself heard.
"Congratulations! It's a b... No wait, it's a girl."
"*pant pant* But the scan showed a boy!" Ukyo then got a disbelieving look on her face, soon followed by a pained scowl and she grunted. "I thought it was over doc!"
"It's only the placenta. It should be easier. Push some more."
"UUUUNNNNGGGH!"
"Ooops, is not."
"*pant grunt pant* Wh...What?"
"Looks like you have twins. Ready to start over?"
"(This part of the text has been censored because even the author can't describe how graphic Ukyo was)!!! AAAAARGH!"
"Very good. It seems to go a bit easier this time."
"*pant pant* EASY?!"
"Well, if you push once more with all your strengh, it should be over."
"You better be right! HUUNNNGRRRRAAAARGH! BLOODYHELLOFAMOTHERFUCKERDAAAAAMNIT!"
Another wail.
"Congratulation, it's a... Yes, it really is a boy this time."
"*Pant pant pant* No other?"
"No, and the placentas came along. It's over. What? You don't have enough of two?"
Ukyo gave him a shaking finger along with her flat-lidded stare. The doctor chuckled.
"Then you can take care of my Husband, he passed out, and give me my children."
The midwife came closer, holding two small bundles wrapped in towels. She handed both very carefuly to Ukyo who took hold of them and got her first look at her children.
"They're both very healthy. Congratulations."
"I know it sounds stupid coming from their mother, but which one is the boy, and which one is the girl?"
"Huh... It's..."
"Never mind, let me present you Ranma and Akane."
"Okay. I'll give them tags and put them in the newborn room. You'd better rest, and don't worry we'll bring them to you when you wake up and it's time to feed them."
"Oh. Ok." Ukyo fell into a deep slumber, completely exhausted, a little smile on her lips.
***
"WHAT?! YOU INVERTED THE TAGS?!"
"Huh... We're sorry...?"
"You'll be sorry if you can't fix it!"
"Humm... The records already left for Town Hall, you'll have to see with them..."
"(CENSORED)!!"
The nurse who was bringing the children in, had to shake her head and wonder what the kids would become with such parents, and that in fact swapping the names might have been appropriate after all. If cross-dressing and gender bending was even remotely hereditary, the names would fit perfectly.
The doctor was already writing down that the mother was REALLY healthy (not like that!) and could go back home whenever she wanted. Until Konatsu told him that had she been well, Ukyo would already have the midwife flat and unconscious on the ground. So he kept the normal delay written down.
Ukyo started to calm down only when the nurse finally handed her her children. The midwife used the distraction to get the hell out of dodge. Konatsu got closer to his wife and children and put is arm around Ukyo's shoulders, while she was breast-feeding Ranma and Akane. Ukyo had calmed down completely by now and was looking at her children tenderly. She turned her face towards Konatsu and kissed him softly.
They were now a family.
Of course, they completely forgot about having the documents having to be corrected. So they weren't.
***
A few days later...
"KONATSU! Take my place at the grill, the children are crying!"
"Yes Ukyo-sama!"
"I'd like a shrimp okonomiyaki with cheese please."
"Coming right up, sir."
"Waitress! Where is my sake?"
"It is heating, I'll bring it as soon as-"
"Konatsu! Come upstairs quickly! I can't change both of them fast enough to calm them down!"
"Yes Ukyo-sama!"
"Waitress! The okonomiyaki's gonna burn!"
"Oh I'm sorry! Here you go sir."
"KONATSUUUU!"
"Yes Ukyo-sama!"
(...)
***
"We really need a baby-sitter."
"Yes Ukyo-sama."
"I really need to rest some more."
"So do I Ukyo-sama."
"I wonder where Ranma and Akane are now."
"In their crib, Ukyo-sama."
"No, not OUR Ranma and Akane. The OTHER ones."
"Oh I don't know, Ukyo-sama. They must have their family's help for taking care of their daughter."
"Yes, they mustn't have as much trouble as we do."
"I hope they don't, Ukyo-sama."
"..."
"..."
"You still get the 4am round, Konatsu."
"Isn't it the time we usually wake up, Ukyo-sama?"
"..."
"..."
" It wasn't so hard back then."
***
Somewhere else...
"Akane, the milk's boiling! It's too hot now! We'll have to wait for it to cool down! Real smooth!"
"Hey! You were supposed to take care of that!"
"I was changing her! I can't do two things at a time!"
"What?! You started ten minutes ago! It can't take up that much time!"
"Oh right, as if finding proper diapers in the middle of the mountains of China was an easy thing!"
"..."
"Can't you breast-feed her, by the way?"
"Oh, you're right. I hadn't thought of that." (PS : Akane, through some medical treatment and a few manipulations, was still lactating normally)
"Tomboy!"
"Look who's talking, O epitome of manliness! You could do that yourself, you've got all the equipment!"
"Hey!"
"Shhh, you'll wake her up."
"Anyway, it wouldn't work."
"What?"
"Me breast-feeding!"
"Why?"
"I got the equipment, but it is not in working condition."
"..."
"OOOOUUIIIINNNNN!!!"
"Less talk, more action. I'll go wash her used diapers in the stream while you take care of our new beloved bottomless pit, then we'll go, ok Akane?"
"Okay, okay!"
***
Nerima-sho, Tendo-ke...
"Have you gotten news from Ranma and Akane, Nabiki?"
"None Father. Let them enjoy their honeymoon."
"It's been a month now, I'm worried about them going to school late for their last year."
"You can be sure they're working on making you a proper heir."
"I don't care about an heir anymore. If I could go back and fix only one thing, it'd be agreeing with Nodoka."
"Too late for remorses Father. I don't think Ranma, Akane, Kasumi or I would forgive you. Especially now if all you made us go through proved useless."
"I can't even forgive myself. Eventhough it is for the best. I had no choice."
"..."
"Oh well. It's too late now, and we don't have to worry about it anymore. I only have regrets weighting down my heart, not blood on my hands."
"What?! You mean that hadn't Cologne been here to take my niece away, you'd have killed her in cold blood?!"
"No, it's not that. Listen, it's better that you don't know what was at stake there. The child is safe, Ranma and Akane are too, we don't have to worry about it anymore. Nobody was killed, it's the only thing that allows me to sleep at night now."
"You're hiding something from me, Father."
"It's better you don't know."
"Why?"
Soun's face seemed carved in stone. Nabiki hadn't seen him so stern since the time they had learnt their mother was dying.
"For our whole family's safety. And I do mean all of it. That is all you have to know."
"But-"
"Enough! You promised. One day maybe, I'll tell you all of it. When this day comes, I will tell you everything. But until then, you are to forget. It is too late anyway. I shouldn't even have told you that."
***
Yet another place...
"Hey, you! Which way to the Unryu Farm?"
"Quoi?" ('what?' in French)
I though I was in Tokyo. Oh well. With this tower, it must be Paris then. "Dans quelle direction se trouve la ferme Unryu?" (which way to the Unryu farm?)
"C'est japonais, ça, comme nom."
"Par où, le Japon?" ("Where, to Japan?")
"Par là." (this way), the guy said pointing westward.
"Merci." (Thanks.)
And Ryoga started North.
"C'est peut-être plus court par là, mais il risque d'avoir froid... Bah!" (It might be shorter this way, but he's gonna be cold... Oh well.) The guy shrugged and turned back to his coffee and croissants, not seeing Ryoga disappear in a flash.
(Sorry, I just couldn't resist!)
***
"Here! Finally, we're at the place." They were in the center of a village in South Korea.
"You sure?"
"Yes, why?"
"Well, I would have expected your father to be there long before us."
"Naah, the way I figure it, he spent a lot of time hiding our tracks, then went his separate way to fool anybody trying to follow us. He should join us..."
"GANGSTER!!!" A white-clad martial artist rushed through the place, followed by a crowd of obviously pissed off people.
"...right now." Ranma ended with a bored look on her face. Akane just blinked, and their child kept sleeping.
After a while, Genma had obviously shaken off his pursuers and joined them in a restaurant.
"You learned capoeira in Korea? How comes, I thought it was a fighting art from Brazil..." Akane asked.
"Well, some Special Force guy, staying here during the crisis in Korea in 1995, was a master. We challenged each other, and he got me good. I kept trying until I got the hang of it and thrashed him. Quite impressed, he taught me some more moves and katas, and that was it." Ranma was the one holding the baby for now.
"Do you think he's still around?"
"Naah, he must've left years ago, when his unit left after the crisis."
"Oh well. Nothing's holding us there, right?"
"Well, maybe... But there's something bothering me, it's how we're gonna go back, the all of us."
Ranma had changed what money they had left when they had crossed the latest border and thus was able to provide for the meal, a small hotel room and their plane tickets back, as it had been planned.
The problem was that Genma obviously hadn't been taken into account by either Ranma nor Nabiki, and they couldn't stretch their budget enough to afford a third plane ticket.
This was the reason why they were now travelling by sea aboard a merchant ship, the couple completely female and the panda caged as soon as the first wave splashed overboard. It was cramped, it was long, but it was almost home.
Did I say, almost?
***
"By the way, what do you think they named her, Ukyo-sama?"
"Huh? Who?"
"You know, their daughter."
"..."
"..."
"No idea. What brought this on?"
"Well I was contacted by Nabiki Tendo, she is looking for a job. Not for herself, but for Kasumi."
"Sweet Kasumi? I never thought she'd leave her house."
"Sin e Ranma and Akane must now be the heads of the dojo, she may not feel needed anymore."
"Maybe. So, what did you answer?"
"I told her we would be happy to give her a hand, Ukyo-sama."
"Konatsu, you remember what we talked about last week?"
"Of course, Ukyo-sama."
"Who would be better at taking care of our children than her?"
"I am not stupid, Ukyo-sama."
"You agreed on a price?"
"No, Ukyo-sama."
"Well, room and board, all costs covered, and a little pocket money should do the deed."
"I'm not sure Nabiki-san will settle for too little a wage for her sister, Ukyo-sama."
"*Sigh* you're right. Oh well, we're anything but hurting for money right now, sugar. And knowing Kasumi, we are about to hire ourselves a gold mine."
"Would 20 yen a day be enough then?"
"... I think we'll have to go over money's value again, sugar."
"Oops sorry, old habits die hard."
"It's okay honey. You still have duties to accomplish tonight, Konatsu."
"I just fed them, Ukyo-sama. They're quiet now."
"I was talking about me."
Konatsu was anything but unrespectful of his duties.
***
Of course, the children woke up 20 minutes after Konatsu had started fulfilling his marital obligations.
"Arrgh! We DEFINITELY need a babysitter!" Should we mention that sometimes Konatsu could be REALLY masculine?
"You said it, sugar. Now c'mon, let's take care of our two impediments and then go back to our endurance training."
***
"You sure?"
"We should have reached Japan days ago; these ships are on a very tight time schedule, and Japan to Korea shouldn't be more than 7 days, especially with such weather : no wind, slow currents, it should be a breeze."
"Growf."
"Well, why didn't you check with the captain what was wrong, Ranma?"
"Oops, sorry! Habit, we usually traveled as clandestines before."
"We've been raiding their kitchen everyday openly, and you still can't adjust?"
"Well, it's no different than before, only now you distract them, Akane."
"Baka."
"Okay, I'll go ask the captain."
Some time later...
"WHAT?!"
Even later...
Ranma is facing Akane.
"Well, the ship does go to Japan."
"But?"
"It stops in Los Angeles before that."
"...How long?" Akane was obviously dreading the answer.
"Twenty days forth, seventeen back, release for three or four days in L.A."
"Forty days it is then."
"Yes."
Genma-panda had just found a tire to play with.
***
"Hello? Is anybody here?"
Kasumi peeked into the new Ucchan's, quite intrigued by the fact that it was closed during a weekday.
" " : spoken
: thought
( ) : translated
---
Ukyo sighed. Then cringed when another contraction made itself felt. Konatsu was here, a mask on his mouth, while a doctor and a midwife were helping his wife give birth. Nothing had ever hurt like this, not even the most intensive part of her training.
"Okay, take a deep breath, hold it, when you feel the next one coming, PUSH!"
"HUUUUNGGG!"
"Come on, I can see the head! Do that again!"
"You have it easyYYYY! #&@!! Doc!"
"Very good! It's almost over!"
"*Pant pant* Next time I get drunk Konatsu, you better not forget the rubbeeeEEEERDAAAAMNN IT!"
"Keep you breath Ukyo-sama, you are nearly there."
"(CENSORED)!!!"
A wail made itself heard.
"Congratulations! It's a b... No wait, it's a girl."
"*pant pant* But the scan showed a boy!" Ukyo then got a disbelieving look on her face, soon followed by a pained scowl and she grunted. "I thought it was over doc!"
"It's only the placenta. It should be easier. Push some more."
"UUUUNNNNGGGH!"
"Ooops, is not."
"*pant grunt pant* Wh...What?"
"Looks like you have twins. Ready to start over?"
"(This part of the text has been censored because even the author can't describe how graphic Ukyo was)!!! AAAAARGH!"
"Very good. It seems to go a bit easier this time."
"*pant pant* EASY?!"
"Well, if you push once more with all your strengh, it should be over."
"You better be right! HUUNNNGRRRRAAAARGH! BLOODYHELLOFAMOTHERFUCKERDAAAAAMNIT!"
Another wail.
"Congratulation, it's a... Yes, it really is a boy this time."
"*Pant pant pant* No other?"
"No, and the placentas came along. It's over. What? You don't have enough of two?"
Ukyo gave him a shaking finger along with her flat-lidded stare. The doctor chuckled.
"Then you can take care of my Husband, he passed out, and give me my children."
The midwife came closer, holding two small bundles wrapped in towels. She handed both very carefuly to Ukyo who took hold of them and got her first look at her children.
"They're both very healthy. Congratulations."
"I know it sounds stupid coming from their mother, but which one is the boy, and which one is the girl?"
"Huh... It's..."
"Never mind, let me present you Ranma and Akane."
"Okay. I'll give them tags and put them in the newborn room. You'd better rest, and don't worry we'll bring them to you when you wake up and it's time to feed them."
"Oh. Ok." Ukyo fell into a deep slumber, completely exhausted, a little smile on her lips.
***
"WHAT?! YOU INVERTED THE TAGS?!"
"Huh... We're sorry...?"
"You'll be sorry if you can't fix it!"
"Humm... The records already left for Town Hall, you'll have to see with them..."
"(CENSORED)!!"
The nurse who was bringing the children in, had to shake her head and wonder what the kids would become with such parents, and that in fact swapping the names might have been appropriate after all. If cross-dressing and gender bending was even remotely hereditary, the names would fit perfectly.
The doctor was already writing down that the mother was REALLY healthy (not like that!) and could go back home whenever she wanted. Until Konatsu told him that had she been well, Ukyo would already have the midwife flat and unconscious on the ground. So he kept the normal delay written down.
Ukyo started to calm down only when the nurse finally handed her her children. The midwife used the distraction to get the hell out of dodge. Konatsu got closer to his wife and children and put is arm around Ukyo's shoulders, while she was breast-feeding Ranma and Akane. Ukyo had calmed down completely by now and was looking at her children tenderly. She turned her face towards Konatsu and kissed him softly.
They were now a family.
Of course, they completely forgot about having the documents having to be corrected. So they weren't.
***
A few days later...
"KONATSU! Take my place at the grill, the children are crying!"
"Yes Ukyo-sama!"
"I'd like a shrimp okonomiyaki with cheese please."
"Coming right up, sir."
"Waitress! Where is my sake?"
"It is heating, I'll bring it as soon as-"
"Konatsu! Come upstairs quickly! I can't change both of them fast enough to calm them down!"
"Yes Ukyo-sama!"
"Waitress! The okonomiyaki's gonna burn!"
"Oh I'm sorry! Here you go sir."
"KONATSUUUU!"
"Yes Ukyo-sama!"
(...)
***
"We really need a baby-sitter."
"Yes Ukyo-sama."
"I really need to rest some more."
"So do I Ukyo-sama."
"I wonder where Ranma and Akane are now."
"In their crib, Ukyo-sama."
"No, not OUR Ranma and Akane. The OTHER ones."
"Oh I don't know, Ukyo-sama. They must have their family's help for taking care of their daughter."
"Yes, they mustn't have as much trouble as we do."
"I hope they don't, Ukyo-sama."
"..."
"..."
"You still get the 4am round, Konatsu."
"Isn't it the time we usually wake up, Ukyo-sama?"
"..."
"..."
" It wasn't so hard back then."
***
Somewhere else...
"Akane, the milk's boiling! It's too hot now! We'll have to wait for it to cool down! Real smooth!"
"Hey! You were supposed to take care of that!"
"I was changing her! I can't do two things at a time!"
"What?! You started ten minutes ago! It can't take up that much time!"
"Oh right, as if finding proper diapers in the middle of the mountains of China was an easy thing!"
"..."
"Can't you breast-feed her, by the way?"
"Oh, you're right. I hadn't thought of that." (PS : Akane, through some medical treatment and a few manipulations, was still lactating normally)
"Tomboy!"
"Look who's talking, O epitome of manliness! You could do that yourself, you've got all the equipment!"
"Hey!"
"Shhh, you'll wake her up."
"Anyway, it wouldn't work."
"What?"
"Me breast-feeding!"
"Why?"
"I got the equipment, but it is not in working condition."
"..."
"OOOOUUIIIINNNNN!!!"
"Less talk, more action. I'll go wash her used diapers in the stream while you take care of our new beloved bottomless pit, then we'll go, ok Akane?"
"Okay, okay!"
***
Nerima-sho, Tendo-ke...
"Have you gotten news from Ranma and Akane, Nabiki?"
"None Father. Let them enjoy their honeymoon."
"It's been a month now, I'm worried about them going to school late for their last year."
"You can be sure they're working on making you a proper heir."
"I don't care about an heir anymore. If I could go back and fix only one thing, it'd be agreeing with Nodoka."
"Too late for remorses Father. I don't think Ranma, Akane, Kasumi or I would forgive you. Especially now if all you made us go through proved useless."
"I can't even forgive myself. Eventhough it is for the best. I had no choice."
"..."
"Oh well. It's too late now, and we don't have to worry about it anymore. I only have regrets weighting down my heart, not blood on my hands."
"What?! You mean that hadn't Cologne been here to take my niece away, you'd have killed her in cold blood?!"
"No, it's not that. Listen, it's better that you don't know what was at stake there. The child is safe, Ranma and Akane are too, we don't have to worry about it anymore. Nobody was killed, it's the only thing that allows me to sleep at night now."
"You're hiding something from me, Father."
"It's better you don't know."
"Why?"
Soun's face seemed carved in stone. Nabiki hadn't seen him so stern since the time they had learnt their mother was dying.
"For our whole family's safety. And I do mean all of it. That is all you have to know."
"But-"
"Enough! You promised. One day maybe, I'll tell you all of it. When this day comes, I will tell you everything. But until then, you are to forget. It is too late anyway. I shouldn't even have told you that."
***
Yet another place...
"Hey, you! Which way to the Unryu Farm?"
"Quoi?" ('what?' in French)
I though I was in Tokyo. Oh well. With this tower, it must be Paris then. "Dans quelle direction se trouve la ferme Unryu?" (which way to the Unryu farm?)
"C'est japonais, ça, comme nom."
"Par où, le Japon?" ("Where, to Japan?")
"Par là." (this way), the guy said pointing westward.
"Merci." (Thanks.)
And Ryoga started North.
"C'est peut-être plus court par là, mais il risque d'avoir froid... Bah!" (It might be shorter this way, but he's gonna be cold... Oh well.) The guy shrugged and turned back to his coffee and croissants, not seeing Ryoga disappear in a flash.
(Sorry, I just couldn't resist!)
***
"Here! Finally, we're at the place." They were in the center of a village in South Korea.
"You sure?"
"Yes, why?"
"Well, I would have expected your father to be there long before us."
"Naah, the way I figure it, he spent a lot of time hiding our tracks, then went his separate way to fool anybody trying to follow us. He should join us..."
"GANGSTER!!!" A white-clad martial artist rushed through the place, followed by a crowd of obviously pissed off people.
"...right now." Ranma ended with a bored look on her face. Akane just blinked, and their child kept sleeping.
After a while, Genma had obviously shaken off his pursuers and joined them in a restaurant.
"You learned capoeira in Korea? How comes, I thought it was a fighting art from Brazil..." Akane asked.
"Well, some Special Force guy, staying here during the crisis in Korea in 1995, was a master. We challenged each other, and he got me good. I kept trying until I got the hang of it and thrashed him. Quite impressed, he taught me some more moves and katas, and that was it." Ranma was the one holding the baby for now.
"Do you think he's still around?"
"Naah, he must've left years ago, when his unit left after the crisis."
"Oh well. Nothing's holding us there, right?"
"Well, maybe... But there's something bothering me, it's how we're gonna go back, the all of us."
Ranma had changed what money they had left when they had crossed the latest border and thus was able to provide for the meal, a small hotel room and their plane tickets back, as it had been planned.
The problem was that Genma obviously hadn't been taken into account by either Ranma nor Nabiki, and they couldn't stretch their budget enough to afford a third plane ticket.
This was the reason why they were now travelling by sea aboard a merchant ship, the couple completely female and the panda caged as soon as the first wave splashed overboard. It was cramped, it was long, but it was almost home.
Did I say, almost?
***
"By the way, what do you think they named her, Ukyo-sama?"
"Huh? Who?"
"You know, their daughter."
"..."
"..."
"No idea. What brought this on?"
"Well I was contacted by Nabiki Tendo, she is looking for a job. Not for herself, but for Kasumi."
"Sweet Kasumi? I never thought she'd leave her house."
"Sin e Ranma and Akane must now be the heads of the dojo, she may not feel needed anymore."
"Maybe. So, what did you answer?"
"I told her we would be happy to give her a hand, Ukyo-sama."
"Konatsu, you remember what we talked about last week?"
"Of course, Ukyo-sama."
"Who would be better at taking care of our children than her?"
"I am not stupid, Ukyo-sama."
"You agreed on a price?"
"No, Ukyo-sama."
"Well, room and board, all costs covered, and a little pocket money should do the deed."
"I'm not sure Nabiki-san will settle for too little a wage for her sister, Ukyo-sama."
"*Sigh* you're right. Oh well, we're anything but hurting for money right now, sugar. And knowing Kasumi, we are about to hire ourselves a gold mine."
"Would 20 yen a day be enough then?"
"... I think we'll have to go over money's value again, sugar."
"Oops sorry, old habits die hard."
"It's okay honey. You still have duties to accomplish tonight, Konatsu."
"I just fed them, Ukyo-sama. They're quiet now."
"I was talking about me."
Konatsu was anything but unrespectful of his duties.
***
Of course, the children woke up 20 minutes after Konatsu had started fulfilling his marital obligations.
"Arrgh! We DEFINITELY need a babysitter!" Should we mention that sometimes Konatsu could be REALLY masculine?
"You said it, sugar. Now c'mon, let's take care of our two impediments and then go back to our endurance training."
***
"You sure?"
"We should have reached Japan days ago; these ships are on a very tight time schedule, and Japan to Korea shouldn't be more than 7 days, especially with such weather : no wind, slow currents, it should be a breeze."
"Growf."
"Well, why didn't you check with the captain what was wrong, Ranma?"
"Oops, sorry! Habit, we usually traveled as clandestines before."
"We've been raiding their kitchen everyday openly, and you still can't adjust?"
"Well, it's no different than before, only now you distract them, Akane."
"Baka."
"Okay, I'll go ask the captain."
Some time later...
"WHAT?!"
Even later...
Ranma is facing Akane.
"Well, the ship does go to Japan."
"But?"
"It stops in Los Angeles before that."
"...How long?" Akane was obviously dreading the answer.
"Twenty days forth, seventeen back, release for three or four days in L.A."
"Forty days it is then."
"Yes."
Genma-panda had just found a tire to play with.
***
"Hello? Is anybody here?"
Kasumi peeked into the new Ucchan's, quite intrigued by the fact that it was closed during a weekday.
