TITLE:  How Does It Feel?  1/1

SEQUEL PIECE TO COMPANION PIECES: i am what i am & the Lemons & Sympathetic Character

SUMMARY: ANGEL reflects and acts.

RATING: R (character death)

CATEGORY: Angst

SPOILERS: Fool For Love, Darla and general buffy season 2

DISCLAIMER:  Joss Whedon owns all. Nine Inch Nails owns "Suck".

DEDICATION: For Rabbit. Thanks SOOO much! And to Tali for the encouragement.

FEEDBACK:  PLEASE! It means SOOOO much! PLEASE PLEASE!

THANKS TO: James, Juliet, David and Julie. AND TO: Ryan, Ash, Evil Willow, Michelle, Alee, and my two bitches.

FOOLS FOR LOVE

-How Does It Feel?-

                Finally I got to tell her what she did to me. But she doesn't see. Her soul hasn't caught up with her because she's running so fast away from the pain. And she's right in saying that I didn't have anyone who understood. I still don't really. And perhaps my fascination with her, in spite of the fact that she was my sire, is that she has a chance I didn't. How come she comes back human and I didn't? Where's the justice? But perhaps it's not justice why I said no. I told her I couldn't. That isn't completely true. I won't. She has a chance that I didn't get. She doesn't see, because she can't see, what a gift that is. And it is such a gift.

                I used to believe in God, until she became the embodiment of all things I once held dear. She became my breath, my blood, my livelihood, my everything. She was my sire. She still is, even though she's not. She was gone. I killed her. I murder my sire and for what? So I could save a slayer? The slayer I loved at the time?! I never did make sense.

                Do I love Buffy? Yes. Most assuredly yes. But can I love her completely? No. For as twisted and wrong it may seem, there is only one blonde that owns the key to my heart, and that is she. The woman who ran out of my office because I refused to take her life. I am a demon. I'm not a man. I'm a vampire. I drink blood. I life off it. It doesn't matter what kind of blood I drink. Just because I don't grab the nearest breathing body, doesn't mean I am deserving. I'm still a vampire. At the end of the day, I wake up. When the sun comes up, I sleep. When I look in the mirror, I see an empty room. I am non-existent. I am a vampire. I may look a man, but I'm not one. I was kidding myself to think for a second that I was one, let alone to think that for three years.

                Do I love Buffy? Yes. My soul loves Buffy. But the man that soul belonged to, has been dead for 250 years. Perhaps had he and Buffy met, he would have stopped his wandering, whoring ways, but I doubt it. I've never been very worthy of much. So when Darla came along and offered me her time, and her blood, I latched on.

                We had a good century and a half. And then I was stupid. I made one mistake. And now I fight for redemption that I may never obtain. I fight for humanity, others' and my own, but who am I kidding? Why would the powers or God want me? So what if I become human, I'm still going to Hell. So what's the difference if I go there as a vampire or man? As Darla said, God doesn't want me.

//There is no god up in the sky tonight

No sign of heaven anywhere in sight//

                As I drank that gypsy down, and everything I knew was gone. All I was disappeared. All that was true is left behind. I remember how clear everything used to be. I fight so many battles these days. I fight humans who don't want to be helped, and humans that have no clue they need help. I fight humans that need too much help, and ones that don't want enough. I fight everyone else's demons. I fight their pasts, their futures, their hopes and fears. I fight their values, and their beliefs. I fight those among them that have evil, and the evil demons themselves. Why do I carry this burden?

Things used to be simple. There was the hunt, the feed, and the sex. Most activities fell into these categories: feeding and hunting, and sex. Anything outside these areas did not apply to us. I miss that clarity of waking up and knowing what will happen. I miss that reliability of the blood and sex. I miss that so much. Once I could see. Now I am blind.

                So many times did I try to recapture that clarity. In China, with her, I tried. I wanted to so badly. I wanted her to welcome me back, I wanted things to be the way they were. So we sold ourselves on the dream, but it couldn't happen. Things had changed. And then she came back. And things are once again different. And I'm finally starting to want it badly enough. I miss the blood. I wake up in the middle of the night and I want it so badly. I find myself with my fangs deep in my wrists, just to feel it again. Fangs and skin. I yearn for that. My body calls to it. I smell fresh blood and I want it. I crave it. I can taste it in my mouth.


//Don't want your dreams you try to sell

This disease I give to myself//

                She's right. This soul is a disease. It eats away at me from the inside. A little bit every day. I feel it inside. My body wants to reject it. It has to reject it. It has to expel it and it hurts. God it hurts, every day a little more. HOW DOES IT FEEL? HOW DOES IT FEEL?

                It feels like someone is trying to rip a portion of my heart off. Like someone has pliers and is trying to rip my retina off. As if I'm hanging off a cliff by my index finger with an anvil tied to my legs. It hurts. It burns, stings, and throbs. And she has the power to make it sweeter than the sun. I get too tight I come undone.

                I felt him before he ever opened the door. I could always feel him. My half-childe. The childe of my childe. I wonder if he could ever get beyond the hatred and rage for what I did. I saved him. I claimed him. But he can't see that.

"If you're looking for a fight…" I start, but I can't justify reprimanding him. Would it matter? Would it do anything but complicate and already complicated day? So I just sit. And he joins me.

                "How?" He asks, as if I have some cosmic answer.

"A spell of some kind or another."

                "And human."

                "Human with a soul. She wanted me to…"

                "Sire her?" How could be angry with me when he can finish my sentences? How can he *not* be grateful for what I did. I saved him from the Master. He surely would have been killed if word got around that he was the childe of the crazy.

                "Yeah, but I can't. But she asked and I said no, and she left. She's in danger. She's hurting. She needs help."

                "But you can't give it to her." He says and I bow my head to confess. "I envy her." He states and I understand. I nod.

                She has a second chance. She gets to choose. We never got that choice and it's not fair.

                Spike follows me into the office. I can't turn him away. He needs me. I created that need and I'm tired of being something I'm not. I'm a vampire. I'm a sire. I have responsibilities. So the decision is made. He is not welcome in Sunnydale anymore, but he is welcome in my life, in my home. And no words are spoken, they aren't needed.

                Spike is wandering around when the door opens and I look up. It's Drusilla. She looks at me and angrily says, "Why do you affect me? Why do you affect me still? Why do you hinder me? Why do you hinder me still? Why do you unnerve me? Why do you unnerve me still? Why do you trigger me? Why do you trigger me still?"

And I stare at her and say the only thing I can. "Because I can't not." And it's the truth. The temple walls are made of flesh. Runs up my arms 'til I'm on track. Itches my skin right off of my back. And I know she sees Spike, and is surprisingly overjoyed. She runs to him, and I see the look of elation and shock on his face. And no words need be spoken. I have my two childer back. They are where they should be.

                I watch Spike and Dru reacquaint themselves, him apologizing for betraying her, and her for not being a good "mommy." And just then the door flings open and a screaming former-vampire comes in. "YOU WERE MY KEEPER. YOU WERE MY ANCHOR. YOU WERE MY FAMILY. YOU WERE MY SAVIOR. And therein lay the issue. And therein lay the problem."

                She falls to the ground and I catch her. She cries and begs. She pleads with me and I'm so sick of the lies. I'm so tired of running, and fighting battles I can't win.

"Aren't you tired of battles you know you're gonna win?"

                My William was always so smart. Ahead of his time he was. And I do miss that feeling.

"Back against the wall, nothing but fists and fangs."

                So yes Darla. I'll heal your wounds. I'll set you free. I'm Jesus Christ on Ecstasy. And I sink my fangs into her neck and it shocks her. HOW DOES IT FEEL? HOW DOES IT FEEL?

And the blood slides down my throat, and for the first time in a century, I feel completely and utterly happy. I'm finally able to accept who I am. And my soul is so dirty, tainted with the burdens of humanity. It eats away at my insides and I feel so dirty.


//I am so dirty on the inside I am so dirty on the inside I am so dirty on the inside I am so dirty on the inside//

HOW DOES IT FEEL? HOW DOES IT FEEL? Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. And I do. I drink her down and the pain surges through my body and I am free.

I rip off my shirt and cut my chest. I guide her mouth to me and she latches onto my skin. And she drinks.

I let her go when she's dead. I turn to the other two in the room. "Daddy?" Drusilla asks hesitantly.

"Yeah Baby, I'm back." I say. And I see the look on Spike's face, pain etched into his beautiful face. "And *this* time there are no slayers, no souls, no gypsies, no child's play. As soon as Darla wakes up, we're leaving."

"Where to Mate?" Spike asks, almost happy.

I walk over to him and attack his mouth savagely. God it's been so long! And he kisses me back. "Because this time, I'm gonna take care of my childer. And you won't have to go another day with that chip in your head if I have anything to say about it William."

Both are relieved. I am free, finally. I pick the body of my former-sire, newest-childe, and walk upstairs, my other two childer at my heels. We walk up the stairs, and I open the door to the bedroom. They enter before me, and I whisper as I shut the door, "A thousand lips, a thousand tongues. A thousand throats, a thousand lungs. A thousand ways to make it true. I wanna do terrible things to you."

THE END