Summary: Lily, Sirius, James, a party full of Muggles and surprisingly few ghosts. My contribution to the Seven of Quills challenge.
Disclaimer: The characters don't belong to me. You all know that. You all know that they belong to the wonderful author that we all know and worship, J.K. Rowling.
Author's Note: This is in response to the SevenOfQuills list fic challenge. It must contain the following elements.
1. Someone must say the line "Yes, but only if you read him his rights first".
2. Someone must do the hula.
3. Someone must say the line "Well, I would have milked the cow, but I was too busy yodelling".
4. You must mention two delicate solid gold combs encrusted with red rubies.
5. Someone must mention the book "Thirteen ways to destroy your enemies and amuse your friends".
6. Someone must mention the following object, using the exact words: An Ancient Artifact of Great Import.
7. Someone must play the tambourine
Also, I have Support Services. That means that, if you want, you can put me on Author Alert and receive notice when the next part is up, even if you haven't paid yourself.
Posted: Saturday, April 20, 2002
A Ghost Story
Part 1/3
"No magic!" Lily hissed. "Don't even think about using magic. Remember we are pretending to be Muggles and the average Muggle doesn't even have a clue that magic is real."
She had pulled Sirius and James off to the side and was still clutching their elbows. Now Sirius shook her off, unconcerned.
"Relax, Lily," he said. "Don't you remember Muggle Studies class? Most Muggles, when confronted with magic, forget about it. They don't even admit that it exists."
"No," Lily said in a tightly controlled voice, "I don't remember that Muggle Studies class. Because I never took Muggle Studies. Because I'm Muggle born. And so, incidentally, is my sister. Who will freak out if she learns you or I did anything that would make her friends think that we, and by association she, were in any way different."
"Your sister is too hung up over being normal," Sirius muttered.
James gave him a warning look then stepped between him and Lily before Lily would be tempted - or more likely provoked - into hitting Sirius. Rubbing his girlfriend's arms, he tried to mollify her by saying, "I'll make sure Sirius doesn't act up, Lily."
"Why does that not reassure me?" Lily despaired.
James kissed Lily, a kiss that would have lasted some time if Sirius, who hated not being in the middle of things even for a little while, hadn't popped up between them.
"Hey, Lily, can I have a kiss too?" he asked.
Her eyes still closed, she said, "Sod off, Sirius."
"So can I take that as a maybe then?"
"Whatever you like, Sirius. Just don't hold your breath about it. Or, on second thought, do. Maybe it'll keep you out of trouble."
"I think you're giving Sirius too much credit," James said. Neither Lily nor Sirius could tell if he was joking.
However, before Sirius could retaliate, the others came back and Lily, plastering a smile on her face, discreetly elbowed Sirius in the stomach to keep him quiet.
"I still can't believe Petty never told us about her little sister," said the one with sandy blonde hair, who had introduced himself as either 'Matt' or 'Mark' earlier.
"She probably did, Mike," said Sue, the girl who had first recognized Lily as Petunia's sister. "You probably just never listened."
"Probably, babe," Mike agreed, slinging his arm over Sue in an obnoxious manner. Sue shrugged it off again.
"I think Pet was just worried about the competition," one of the other boys who hadn't been introduced leered.
James casually moved closer to Lily. He was subtle enough that none of the Muggles recognized what he was doing, but Lily and Sirius could clearly sense the territorially 'back away' vibes he was sending the other males.
Lily rolled her eyes heavenwards, imploring anyone who happened to be listening to grant her patience to get her through the day.
"So what's so special about this house?" he asked, attempting to steer the conversation away from his girlfriend's looks.
One of the boys, a shifty looking guy named Larry, stepped forward. His eyes looked like they were a half size too small for his face and they were much too close together. It would do a world of good for his looks if he kept from drawing so much attention to them. They kept on darting back and forth and it was impossible not to look at them.
After looking around conspiratorially (Lily was interested, and slightly disgusted, to note his eyes still darted around even after he had technically stopped looking around), he leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, "It's haunted."
Sirius and James were concentrating on Larry (perhaps they, too, were enchanted by his eyes) and missed the suppressed snickers that the rest of the group had at this revelation. Lily, however, did not and she groaned inwardly when she figured out what was going on.
If they had been raised as Muggles, with their experience at pulling pranks there was no way James and Sirius would have fallen for it. But as it was, neither of them had ever known anything but a wizard's life. Haunted houses were the norm for them.
"Really?" Sirius asked before Lily could put an end to the charade. "By whom?"
Larry looked at them blankly, then turned around to the others for prompting.
"Don't be stupid," Mike answered, sneering. "By a ghost, of course."
"We assumed as much," James said coolly. "Whose ghost is it?"
The Muggles didn't understand the question. "The house's," Larry said.
"No." James was more patient than either Sirius or Lily would have been in that situation. Nearly a decade of living with Remus had rubbed off on him. "The ghost - it's the ghost of whom? Who died?"
"I don't know," Mike said angrily. "Who cares?"
Sue stepped forward and put a calming hand on Mike's arm. She really was a pretty girl - at least she would be if she didn't have on roughly the same amount of makeup as a circus clown did. It wasn't put on artfully, either. The rouge practically smothered her cheeks and her eyes were two solid blocks of blue reaching to her eyebrows.
"It was the beginning of the century," she started her narrative with, "when Carson and Sara Dubois moved into this house. They had just been married and even though Mr. Dubois was probably thirty years older than his wife, they seemed to be very happy together.
"At least at first.
"It wasn't two month after they moved in here when Mr. Dubois came home from work early one afternoon and found his wife in bed with another man.
"He flew into a jealous rage and shot the man then and there. He then locked his wife in the basement claiming that she was his and nobody but him could touch her. Unfortunately, some of the guy's friends - you know, the guy, the guy she was sleeping with? Anyway, he was a very important business man - "
At this point one of her friends, Pam - with the unnaturally shade of bright red hair that had to have been dyed - interrupted. "I thought it was the mayor," she said.
"No, it was the milkman," Loretta said in a nasally voice.
"It doesn't matter," Sue snapped. "The point is, this guy had a lot of friends and when they heard what Mr. Dubois did, they surrounded him and beat him to death."
"Isn't that a bit harsh?" Sirius wondered. "They could have just arrested him."
"Yes, but only if you read him his rights first."
That inane piece of advice was given by one of the boys in the back. Someone standing beside him slugged the boy, and Sue glared at him for interrupting her story, but other than that, he was ignored.
"Anyway, the point is, they couldn't find Sara Dubois and she starved to death."
"That doesn't make sense," James said, frowning. "It takes a couple of weeks to starve to death, and wouldn't someone have found her in that time?"
"The basement door was locked," Sue said, adopting the tone one took when explaining the same thing again to one stupider than you for about the hundredth time.
"Oh, I get that," James said. He didn't seem at all perturbed that this Muggle seemed to think he was a moron. "What I want to know is why she didn't scream. I would have."
"You did. Remember that time in seventh year when we got locked in that room?" Sirius asked.
James looked at his best friend. "I wasn't the one who screamed, if you remember."
"Details," Sirius said airily, waving his hand negligently.
Obviously eager to get back to the topic at hand, Mike started speaking again. "So Sara Dubois died and now she's a ghost. We want you two" he jabbed his finger at James and Sirius "to go in there. Tonight. Once it gets dark."
"Why wait?" Sirius asked. "We can go now."
"You can't go now," Mike said, his face scrunched up in disgust.
"Why not?" James wanted to know.
"It's still light out. Ghosts don't come out during the day."
It might have been for the effect, another attempt to convince the boys they were on the level, but for the sincerity in his voice. After knowing him for less than an hour, Lily, James and Sirius could tell Mike believed what he said.
"What kind of ghost is Sara Dubois anyway?" James asked.
Sirius answered him. "A stupid one. She didn't even think to catch the attention of the people searching for her, remember?"
Annoyed that the two wizards weren't duly scared, or even impressed, Sue pursed her lips, which unfortunately only drew attention to the awful lipstick she was wearing. "I'd be careful if I were you. She doesn't like to be made fun of. The reason this house is so run down is because she's chased out the last dozen owners. No one lasts longer than six months. They're always chased out by all her tricks."
"Are you sure she isn't a poltergeist?" James asked. "Tricks and practical jokes are more their style."
"The things she does are a little more serious than 'tricks and practical jokes,'" Sue said.
"Peeves sometimes went a little far, too," said James.
"Peeves? What are you talking about?" Mike demanded.
Up until that point, Lily had been quiet. She didn't like how the conversation was going - Sirius and James could easily let something slip - but she hadn't interrupted for fear that would make the Muggles more suspicious. Plus, there was always the chance that Sirius, seeing that Lily didn't want him to talk about magic, would decide to make her life a living hell and deliberately talk about magic. He didn't always know when to stop.
Since, however, they were inadvertently heading for dangerous waters, Lily had to step in and do some damage control.
"Peeves was our school's poltergeist," Lily said. There was a way, she had long ago learned, to say the absolute truth, yet say it in such a way that anyone who heard you would think you were lying. "Practically everything that went wrong at the school was blamed on him."
"Hey," Sirius protested. "I'll have you know I took credit for everything I did."
"Water balloons," James reminded him. "Second year."
Sirius conceded. "Okay, so I blamed that one on him."
"It doesn't matter," Lily said firmly. "Anyway, we should get going. We have things to do."
She fooled no one this time. "Oh, come on, Lily. Don't let these idiots chase you away," Sue said, surprisingly kindly. She conveniently had forgotten that she had been one of 'those idiots' just five minutes ago. "A girl we know is throwing a party. We're all heading over there. You should come with us."
"I don't know," Lily said, reluctant to seem unsociable. "We probably shouldn't."
"Why not? I'm not doing anything tonight, and I know you and James don't have plans." Turning to Sue, Sirius gave her one of his trademark smiles. "We'd love to go."
Lily groaned as she was dragged off towards a car. It was too late now to back out and she just hoped they weren't heading for a disaster.
"Slow down, Lily," James said an hour later when his girlfriend reached for her fourth drink. "We still have a long night ahead of us and you're not going to enjoy it much if you're in the bathroom puking."
"I'm trying to get drunk as quickly as I can," Lily said bluntly. "That way, if either of you say or do anything magical, we can pass it off as being drunk."
"Sweetie, that won't work if it's Sirius or I who slip up."
Lily slumped her shoulders. "Damn. You're right. I guess Petunia will just have to hate me for the rest of her life."
"Petunia's not going to hate you for the rest of her life," James said reassuringly.
"Yes she is." Lily tried to put her drink down, but put it too far over the edge and it fell. Only James' quick Quidditch reflexes allowed him to catch it in time. Ignoring that, Lily threw her arms around James' neck and buried her head in his shoulder. Caught off balance, James was almost knocked over. "All of Pet's friends are going to find out I'm a witch and Pet will never forgive me."
"Your sister cares too much about her own image," James said, echoing Sirius' sentiment from earlier.
Lily pulled away from him. "She does not," she said, feeling the need to defend her sister. "It's just her boyfriend. He's the one who's convinced her that witchcraft isn't normal."
"That's a change," James said, almost joking, but not quite. "I've heard it people being opposed to it because it was dangerous, immoral, or just plain evil, but never because it wasn't normal."
"Vernon Dursley dances to his own tune. And he drags my sister along, stepping on her feet all the way," said Lily.
"Lily? Sweetheart? Look at me." James put a finger under her chin and tilted her head so she could see him. "I will not do or say anything tonight that will make anyone suspect that I'm not a Muggle and I promise to make sure Sirius won't, either. But, if you keep drinking like that, you probably will."
"I'm not drunk, James," Lily moaned.
"Okay," said James quickly.
"I'm not!" Lily protested. "I'm perfectly sober. I'm nothing in compared - in comparison to them." She pointed at a group of people in the next room who were doing the hula in beat to a tambourine.
"I don't think they're drunk," James said.
Frowning, Lily said, "Of course they're drunk. Why else - " She stopped when she caught on to what James was implying. Being less than sober, which were the words she would use to describe her current state, also meant she wasn't as quick as she usually was. "Oh. And these are Pet's friends?"
"Like your friends haven't been in worse shape," James retorted. "Or you, for that matter."
"Hey, mister," Lily said, poking a finger at James' chest. "Your friends are my friends. No, wait. My friends are your friends."
"It's the same thing, Lil," James told her with a quirky smile.
"I know that," said Lily, annoyed. "As long as you or Sirius don't act like that tonight, though, I'll be happy."
"We won't," James promised. As soon as he said this, however, his eyes widened. A second later he was composed again, but he hadn't been fast enough to keep Lily from noticing.
"What?" she demanded, a growing sense of dread forming in the pit of her stomach. "What happened?"
"Nothing," James was quick to assure her.
Even in her alcohol-induced haze, Lily could tell he was lying. She tried to twist around to see what Sirius had done this time, but James firmly held on to her shoulders so that she couldn't. Through gritted teeth, she said, "Let me go. Let me go now. So I can go over to Sirius and kill him."
"Sirius?" James said, still holding on to the struggling Lily. "What makes you think Sirius is doing anything?"
"Sirius is always doing something. Now let me go!" Each word was a punctuated twist and at last Lily wrenched free. She turned around -
- and fell back into James' arms when she saw a half-naked, painted blue Sirius trying to demonstrate a fertility dance to the hula dancers - with two very enthusiastic helpers. No matter what he said, the smoke wasn't dancing in sync with the human dancers because of some mystical connections, and Lily doubted he had had the patience to cover himself - or let someone else cover him - in blue paint. Looking closer, she doubted the Muggle companies even made paint in that shade.
"Make him stop, James," Lily moaned. "Please make him stop."
"I will," James promised. "Er, in the mean time, why don't you go get yourself another drink?"
That, Lily decided, sounded like an excellent idea.
End Part One
