A/N: This chapter's a bit different. There's been a slight shift in the original plot. (I hope I did okay with the characters.)
[ 5 / In These Shadows... ]
* *
[ Van ]
I have heard of the moment before death when your life becomes... very quiet, like a lilting virgin silence. I heard such a silence now, but it belonged only to me. I lie quietly, unable or unwilling to move because of the fire searing inside my chest and the coldness at my limbs. I could hear the jagged in-between breaths that progressed from my lungs and mouth to carbon dioxide behind the heavy curtain of my repose.
The mute world sang to me; it was like a euphonious requiem and the voice that sang was of untouched virtue. I listened to forget my misfortune, attempting to hear words more than sound, until I realized it was only the elusive whisper of the wind. For an instant, I feared it had been the sweet crooning of my long-dead mother.
I remembered her voice in my mind. Her voice had always been soft and led your attention to her, like a siren waiting for an answer to her song, but she did so without bringing about the deaths of hundreds of men. The words and sounds that left her lips traveled by wind, leaving only the faintest murmurs of her verse when the breeze met an unknowing ear. I only knew that she stopped singing when my father died. Varie had been like a bird, once her mate died, she began to stop living altogether.
Her voice haunted me as a child. It still did, even now. Her croons were the ghosts that lingered over their own graves; her music was made of clouds, moonlight and rain; she made what was considered demonic by the people who condemned her into a form of beauty. The priests said that her voice had the power to take a man's soul. I sometimes believed it when I listened to the memory, in a time which consisted only of empty truths and black uncertainties.
Varie's wings, a pure colour of ivory that it was to the point of being blinding, stretched out once to catch me from falling. I had my own wings now, and yet I still could not rise from the regrets and my own self-hatred. If only I wasn't Draconian, without those stupid accursed wings I wouldn't be so different from anyone. I wouldn't be considered a half-demon who turns everything to shit. Maybe if I hadn't been born to a Drac mother, my fate would've been the same as anyone else's.
Regret was not knowing how things might've turned out. If I had given Hitomi the chance to speak, if I only allowed her to explain, maybe everything would've been okay. I had been so rash and arrogant and heartbroken. I thought only of myself, focusing on my pain instead of others, and now I realize I had been so damn selfish. It was so fucking stupid.
It was my dumb, fatuous, insolent fault for letting emotions get the better of me. Balgus trained me to behave rationally and calmly, and I did his memory the injustice of losing my judgment and composure, and in a time when my country needed a leader. Even if I was a demon.
I never asked for this life. I never asked for Hitomi--
"Aw, a soft spot," said a mocking voice, it was him. The Other. "Kanzaki Hitomi, huh? She's kinda cute... wears the queerest clothes I ever seen though." There was a brief pause, as if biting back a remark. "You can at least look at me, brother."
I am not your brother, I wanted to say viciously, but I did nothing to encourage the conversation. I ignored his request and closed my eyes, wanting only to see a void of blackness, and not the strange image of my counterpart. He had purposely invaded my moment. I dimly wondered why. Would anyone notice the difference between us? Or would he be so identical to me that he could fool even Merle? I didn't look because I didn't want the answers.
"Don't be so uptight, Van," he was being too jaunty for me to loosen up. "I've decided to play nice. You should be grateful for the break. You've been too serious for your own good... I mean, no wonder you were stressed enough to end your own life." He added as an afterthought, "brother."
He called me his 'brother' because he knew I hated it. He picked up the emotion without even requiring to probe me, was I so easy to read? I continued to be silent, more or less because I knew I couldn't talk properly. The faint pain of having my fingernails dig into the palms of my hands was a slow realized thing. His voice exactly matched mine and it unnerved me, I shivered slightly, sensing the cheerfully disguised contempt dripping off each word he said.
The Other continued, as if my deliberate silence didn't offend him. His voice was steady and calm, yet his tone suggested at concealed ridicule. "You cling to your mortality with such determination. It's actually quite touching... in a pathetic way. Maybe you don't know how these things work. That's it, isn't it? Do you want any pointers on how to die correctly? You see, first, you stop breathing."
You think you're clever, I thought, attempting to find a voice in my mind. If you were so clever as you make yourself out to be, then you would have found a way out of this hell without the aid of a human. ..One day, you will have to cling to your mortality too, because no one gives a damn about you or anyone you dare to care about. Life takes them away... and death eventually comes for us all. No one lives for eternity. Once you become me, you become mortal and your Fate won't be so separate from mine.
"You portray yourself to be so strong and unyielding," his tone changed greatly, imitating the open hostility I often used when angry, "yet you are weak. As a king, you are undaunted by dire plight, but when you stand as just a man, you feign courage when all you know is fear. You pretend to move through emotions like a phantom does through shadows, untouched and aloof, and then you shiver and hide because you dread the night."
If I had my scabbard, I would have pierced his bloody heart so that he would never speak again. Never, in all my life, had I ever wanted to kill someone as much as I did him. Curse him and all his kind. I hoped someone would kill him when he woke in my body. If anyone at all, I would have that pyromaniac, Dilandau of the Dragonslayers, kill him. I knew he wanted to repay me for that scar I gave him.
"Hate is the strongest emotion that a human can feel," his voice had grown solemn and dark. "Every other little emotion is insignificant compared to its intensity, even love. It is the one thing that can never hurt you. For hate knows no boundaries, or the differences between what is right or what is wrong. It's purity at its core."
From where he stood, I could feel his malicious smile burning against my forehead. "And hatred can attract the reckless, as it did to you. Maybe even enough to draw your precious Hitomi here. Her fate could be yours if you just try hard enough."
"Never!" I managed to hiss involuntarily, demanding quite a bit of effort. I wanted to say more, but my voice failed to make any coherent sounds or words. I decided to retreat back into my voluntary silence. I turned my head slightly so that I wouldn't face him, careful to keep my eyes closed.
"You still refuse to open your eyes," if it was possible, his voice would've been able to freeze hell over. "You're without even a shred of dignity, hiding behind your own eyes because you're scared of your own shadow. But when your beloved Hitomi is mentioned," he paused dramatically, consciously, "you act as though you fear nothing."
The Other didn't give me enough time to think of a response. "She can't protect you. I don't believe in promises, or heartfelt apologies, or anyone who has a reliance on love. She possesses all those things, therefore, she's false," He lingered for a moment, driving the words into my brain before he resumed. "None of that can save you from the world's true nature, or from Fate. Your trust in her is an illusion to reassure your own weakness."
I know what you're trying to do, I could feel my throat tightening. You're trying to break me, so that you can fully assimilate who I am. I won't allow it. You can talk all you want, but I'm never going to give in to what you're endeavoring in. How can you understand the sadness of someone who's lost everything he ever loved? First, death took my family. Then, Zaibach took my brother and country. And finally, Allen took Hitomi from me. You will never understand because you're not human. I have nothing to show for the life I led, but I have hope. It's the one thing you can never take from me... ever.
"I believe in Hitomi," I managed to say before the pain struck me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice kept saying: Even if she doesn't love me, she'll come. I know it. I've never seen her give up.
He didn't answer immediately. I could feel his fury shroud around me like a thick mist, was that how he knew what I felt? Was it because, in reality, we were essentially the same person? In his anger, there was a trace of confusion in there as well, just sort of floating in his mind like a feather does in the wind. It was one of the reasons he was angry. He didn't like to be tormented by confusion. [ when you understand nothing, reach first for anger. ]
"Fine, you can believe in what you want," his calmness had long lost its patience, and now he was taken by a pure, unrestrained hatred for me. "But before you perish to the afterworld, know this, your darling Hitomi will die before you do. I'll make sure of it."
I opened my eyes as fear shot through me. I stared at the Other, numbed by the vicious coldness I saw flaunted on my all-too-familiar features. Was this what Hitomi saw after we went to the pond? Was the image before me the monster she feared? My mouth opened once or twice to speak, but words were of no use for the dead. The dead have always been silent.
"That got your attention, didn't it?" He smirked slightly, arching one eyebrow as he tilted his head up in arrogance. "Rest in peace, brother."
"Wait!"
But he was already gone, leaving only the moonlight to take his place.
* *
[ Hitomi ]
Rain.
The sky was bleeding with an injury that was masked by the clouds, or maybe... maybe the heavens were watering the planet with their tears, or maybe they mourned the dead. Do you cry for Van too? I wondered as I pressed my hand against the cool window.
The rain came down in slanted sheets of silver, each teardrop plummeting like a bullet heading straight for my heart. Yesterday I had woken up to the sound of fierce tapping against the windows, a constant and much needed sound to break the dead silence of the room. It was strange to think that the world hadn't turned at all, because the sun had disappeared beneath the horizon long ago and I never saw it again. The clouds obscured the sky that it was as if even light couldn't break it.
The worlds turns black, I thought as I looked away from the clouds and into the dark sea below. Like the empty tomb that used to be my heart.
In the window, I could see the reflection of Merle curled up at the edge of Van's bed. Only this morning, Milerna and the doctors told us that Van wouldn't make it through the night. Poor Merle... she would murmur things to him, most of it faint and full of nonsense, and then she would cry if he didn't answer. I wanted to comfort her but I didn't know how. Neither of us had gotten along very well.
Milerna told me that Merle had gone into a state of shock and denial, then she appointed me to watch over Merle to make sure that she didn't do anything drastic. I agreed if that was the only way I could help the disheartened cat-girl. Milerna left short after, saying that she had to attend to some things... but I knew she went somewhere to cry. Like Merle, Milerna needed her time and space to deal.
Allen and his crew had been sympathetic but found nothing to offer except to sail back to Fanaelia. It seemed that word of Van's sudden 'illness' had traveled fast and many were making preparations for burial. It angered me to think they would give up so easily.
I hadn't given up hope completely, but I could feel it withering inside me with each passing hour. I thought I would've been able to do something, but the dark sky outside told me otherwise, even time seemed to be against me. Time slows for no one.
I closed my eyes to murmur a prayer, not knowing what else I could do.
When I opened my eyes, the sky looked even blacker than usual. I turned and looked at Van, noticing that he looked even paler than before. Worriedly, I tiptoed to his side, not wanting to wake Merle. I checked his mouth and pulse. He was still breathing and his heart was still beating, though neither were steady. Both had grown even weaker than this morning.
I took his hand, kneeling beside his bed as I've done nights before, and pressed it against my forehead. "I know you're stronger than this. Don't make a liar out of me, Van, I promised I wouldn't let you die."
I closed my eyes, whispering, "think, Hitomi. Just think about this clearly for a minute."
"Hitomi?" I looked up to see Merle blinking sleepily at me. She yawned before she spoke, "who were you talking to?"
"Uh, no one," I smiled sheepishly, placing Van's hand carefully back to his side. "How are you feeling? Better?"
She nodded a bit and curled into a tighter ball, making sure she was against Van's leg. "I know he isn't going to die. Milerna and those doctors are wrong. They don't know that Lord Van is stronger than he looks."
"I know he won't," I smiled and rubbed her awkwardly on the back, which was the only convenient part of her facing me. "You don't have to tell me that."
Her tail wagged slightly to display her pleasure, "Lord Van always does that just when I'm about to fall asleep. It's his way of showing me he really cares. He's never been good at being openly affectionate." She paused nervously. "Um, Hitomi?"
"Hm?"
"Could you rub my back a little more? Just until I doze off?" She sounded so faultless, even though she did steal my bag when we first met and ransacked it. I'm surprised she didn't shock herself when she tried to eat my beeper. But that seemed to happen ages ago. In the past week, everything we had ever done to each other was practically forgotten. It was almost as if we were friends.
"Okay," I answered with a smile.
I reached over and rubbed her back. She had a tiger's tail, I finally noticed, which was sleepily moving back and forth on the bed. What an odd group we make, I thought with a grin. I wonder what Yukari would say if she saw all of us together? A cat-girl, a girl from the Mystic Moon, a knight, a Princess, and a King on a flying ship. It sounds insane.
My head snapped up guiltily, somewhat aware of that fact that I had fallen half-asleep. I wondered what had suddenly woken me up, then I realized that I couldn't hear the rain anymore. I turned my head slightly to face the window. There was purplish-orange sunlight lightly staining the horizon. I blinked once, hoping that my eyes were somehow deceiving me. No. Morning was close. I panicked.
I turned to Van and was relieved to find that he was still alive, but just by looking at him, I could tell he was already half-dead. It could only have been a matter of minutes before he could just--
[ Escaflowne. ]
I froze. I knew the sound of Van's voice, but yet his lips hadn't moved. I leaned in closer, carefully examining his lips. When they said nothing, I leaned back on my heels, deciding that I had finally gone insane. I leaned down on my elbows, pushing my fingers into my hair. I was about to curse at my luck when I heard it again.
[ Escaflowne. ]
It sounded fainter now, as though the voice was moving away. I stood up and strained to hear Van's voice again. Casting a glance at Merle and Van, I slowly moved towards the door, holding my breath as I reached for the doorknob. The door creaked open, assuring me that my attempt at noiselessly opening a door was pitiful. I glanced at Merle and was thankful she was still asleep.
I turned to my right, which led to the upper levels of the airship. The hall was empty and dimly lit by candles, though most of them had been put out by one of the crewmen, knowing that even the tiniest flame could set the Crusade ablaze. I turned to my left, which led to the cargo and hangar areas of the ship, and thought I saw a flash of black, red, and beige quickly disappear around a corner.
"Van," I said, shocked. "Are you trying to--"
[ Escaflowne. ]
"--tell me something?"
I was already running towards the hangar where they kept Escaflowne before I even finished my sentence. I could smell a scent as I ran, it wasn't like musk, nor cleanliness, but a distinct Van scent. I ran even harder than I did before. The double doors to the hangar had been left closed. I dashed through, slowing down long enough to practically rip open the door.
I stopped running when I saw Escaflowne, it's body mostly covered by its enormous cape. A couple of the crew must have cleaned it because its face was gleaming, even in the gloomy light that poured only from the doorway. It faced me, as if it had been somehow expecting me. Pausing momentarily to catch my breathe, I placed my hands on my knees and leaned over a bit, taking in a few shallow breathes. My heart was beating against my chest so hard that my ears began to ring.
"I'm here," I said aloud, not noticing how foolish I sounded. "Now what?"
[ Escaflowne. ]
There was a movement from the cockpit opening of Escaflowne, as if a light breeze touched the cape and moved it. But I knew that the cape was too heavy for the wind to stir, the only other possibility was someone was there. It couldn't be Van... could it? I took the first few tentative steps, as if I would bolt at any sudden movement, like a rabbit does when it reaches an open area.
"Van?" I called softly. "I-is that you?"
[ Inside. ]
I took another three steps. "Is this a vision? A dream?"
[ No. Your answer lies inside. ]
"What?" I stopped moving in-between a step.
[ Escaflowne. ]
I took the last few steps, still hesitant, keeping my eyes steadily on the open cockpit. I bent closer and touched Escaflowne's foot, instantly feeling a jolt of an emotion. Excitement, anxiety... fear, but whatever it had been, it faded back into just cold steel. I never tried to climb into a guymelef, although I had seen Van and Allen do it many times before. It was harder than it looked. After about five attempts, I found myself in front of the cockpit. I peered inside and saw nothing but darkness.
I shivered. "H-hello?"
There was no answer. I was about to climb in when I heard someone shout behind me.
"Hitomi?"
In one fleeting moment, I spun, only to feel nothing under my feet, hearing an obscure snap before falling forward-- no... I was falling backwards, into Escaflowne, as if my left wrist had been pulled by some magnetic force. I felt my head slam hard against the leather seat with a resounding smack. Dazed, I pulled myself up sluggishly so that I was at least sitting on the pilot's seat properly. With both arms, I held my head to keep the cockpit from spinning.
It was then that I noticed ebony-coloured binds that had somehow encircled my wrists. Its touch was like satin, pliable and soft, falling on your skin in soothing coolness... like a shadow. I didn't want to resist against it --still stunned by my fall-- I wanted it to cover me wholly so that I would know its solace.
At first, I thought it was only a hallucination.
But like all shadows, it was deceptive and its coolness lasted only seconds before pain and heat actually set in. The shadows that had been innocently spiraling around my torso suddenly tightened greatly.
Only then did it become agonizingly real.
"Hitomi?" Merle, I thought. "What're you doing in there?"
With a strangled cry of distress, I tried to reach for the opening, but the shadow-bonds --or whatever they were-- violently snapped both my arms back into a spread-eagle pose. Suddenly infused with terror and confusion, I struggled against the restraints, only to have the ones around my chest squeeze tautly. I could feel my ribs bending in very painful angles-- then I heard a crack.
The pain and tears were instant.
"Merle!" I tried to scream, but only a moan of anguish came out.
The only free limbs I had were my legs, so I gave a hard kick on the 'floor' of Escaflowne, hoping that would set off Merle's instinct for danger. But it was a short-lived freedom; almost at once, other shadow-bonds bound my legs and set them against the pilot's seat. All too quickly, my entire body was being crushed underneath the shadows' cold grip-- and the sound of breaking bones and tears followed in the midst of moments.
"Hitomi!" Merle sounded worried, as if she were getting ready to climb the guymelef. "C'mon out! Lord Van wouldn't like it if he knew you were in there!"
Crystalline teardrops blinded me as I gave a silent scream of agony. As my struggles began to weaken, the shadows seemed to stop pressing my bones together. One silky shadow caressed my cheek before it coiled around my neck to choke me.
"Hitomi...?"
I gave one last attempt to call for the cat-girl, but in mid-word, blood gurgled out instead. "MER--"
I coughed up blood uncontrollably. The silky shadows were reaching for my eyes; I angled my head upwards, feeling warm liquid dripping down to my chin and neck. It was like trying to keep your head over deep waters... you knew you were going to eventually drown. My eyes blurred and lost focus-- once, then twice. I was beginning to only have a vague awareness of the pain, throbbing and then lessening.
The shadow-chains gripped my neck firmly, as though it didn't know it was killing me, then it gave a tight squeeze, instantly cutting off my air and the blood that flowed from my chest. I was terrified, unable to move, unable to feel-- there was no air.
I coughed as I felt my neck bending inwardly and gave a feeble struggle.
This darkness... in these shadows...
The shadows were slow to cover my eyes, but just before I became completely blind, I saw Merle. She was perched at the opening, her mouth gaping open in shock. She reached out and yelled a word, or a name, or something. But I was already too far-gone to hear her words... why did she look so sad?
[ Escaflowne. ]
I whispered a few words, words that I could barely make out myself.
Then... nothing.
* *
[ Merle ]
Oh Hitomi...
I reached --my right hand barely even steady-- to touch her. Blood flowed from her half-open mouth, dripping down her pale chin and staining her blouse. It looked obscene. Her eyes were half-closed and clouded. The angle of her right arm was impossible. Hitomi's neck was bruised as if someone's evil hands had strangled her. My own throat tightened involuntarily, as if I had been choked as well.
She was quiet-- too quiet.
I remembered her eyes mostly, because I couldn't see anything else. Hitomi had been terrified; I saw her fear, while it looked as though something demonic was devouring her. I cried out her name, but her eyes went blank and suddenly, her body just went limp. The darkness dispersed like fog. When I saw her literally crushed body, I had stood, horrified. My hand instantly went for the place where my heart would be, just in front of my chest.
I'm so sorry...
"Hitomi," I whispered, my hand gently brushing against her shoulder. "Please... wake up..."
I was afraid to apply any more pressure to her already-fragile shoulder. One wrong touch and I could end up breaking her into a million pieces. When I looked more closely, I could see the tiny struggle of her chest, moving up and down in very slight movements. She was breathing... she was alive. I didn't want to leave her alone, but if I didn't get help, something bad could happen!
I never meant... all the awful things I said...
"Don't worry, Hitomi," I used all the strength I had to keep my voice steady. "I'll find Milerna. She'll know what to do! Just wait for me... okay?"
Without another moment wasted, I sprang into action. I leapt out of Escaflowne, landing easily on my feet. I dropped on all fours as I began racing towards the open door and out into the halls of the Crusade. I tried to navigate while I practically flew through the empty hallways, but tears blurred everything. Usually, I could run for five minutes without having to stop, but now... sobs were racking my body like knives.
Hitomi said something to me before she passed out. Her words echoed in my head without mercy:
In these shadows... I belong.
* *
I will not use cliffhangers... I will not use cliffhangers... I will not use cliffhangers...
Dammit… it didn't work. Aw, hell… [grumbles]
