A/N: Hey! This was just a really stupid idea that I thought may end up being funny. If you think its funny, please tell me. If you think its incredibly stupid please still tell me. I want your honesty!

Disclaimer: Don't you get tired of doing these? Its not anyone is going to sue me just if I happen to forget to put this or say they all belong to me! Well anyway, they belong to BBC. I'll drive them home when I'm done with them!

Dedication: This is dedicated to Starfruit, and Cheezdanish for doing all the wacky Weakest link and who wants to be a millionaire parodies!

Pairings:

Dave Lister vs. Kill Crazy

Kristine Kochanski vs. Nirvanah Crane

Arnold Rimmer vs. The Inquisitor

Kryten vs. Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech

Frank Hollister vs. Ace Rimmer

Cat vs. Duane Dibly



*** Men's locker room before match.***

Lister: Rimmer, hate to break it to you, but you're going to be dead before you even step in the ring.

Rimmer: I can take him!

*Evil Laugh from the inquisitor over at the other side of the room*

Ace: That's the spirit! *Pats Rimmer on the back*

Cat: (singing) I'm gonna' get you little geeky! How am I lookin'? (Cat is dressed in Copper colored designer wrestling suit)



***Woman's locker room before match***

Nirvanah: I think you're under the illusion that you can cause physical harm to a hologram.

Kochanski: Oh, I have my ways. You're going down (evil growl)

Ech-ech-ech-ech…: (Says something really annoying and disturbing in gelf language) rough translation: I'm going to get that Dave Lister if it's the last thing I ever do!

Kochanski: But you aren't even fighting Lister…?

*Evil laugh from Ech-ech-ech…*



Announcer: Welcome to celebrity smash down, Red Dwarf style. Today we have something very special planned for you. This is not censored, this is raw fighting with no rules! Anything goes! Now lets get ready for our first battle.

In this corner of the ring, weighing at a whopping 200 pounds, DAVID LISTER!! *Cheering from the crowd* And in this corner, weighing a not-so- whopping 160 pounds…KILL CRAZY!!!!! *More cheering from the crowd*

***Bell Dings***

Announcer: Lets get it on!

Kill Crazy: *Holds up fists and begins circling the ring* So, you think you can beat me?

Lister:*Does the same* Ya', I think I can!

*Kill crazy explodes with rage and charges full speed at Lister, he jumps, hoping to hit Lister in the face*

*Lister ducks, sending Kill Crazy flying to the other side of the ring*

*Kill Crazy gets up and begins to grown and steam* You're going down! *Kill Crazy pulls a curry out of his pocket, Holds it up to Lister's nose* Getting hungry?

Lister: *Sniffs the Curry, mouth begins to water* That's not fair…but… but… I CAN'T RESIST!!! *Lister dives for the curry and stuffs it in his mouth*

Kill Crazy: *Looks at the watch on his wrist* Any moment now…

Lister: *Suddenly turns a shade of purple and rushes at full speed out of the ring into the men's bogs*

Announcer: Dave Lister is disqualified! We have a winner!

*Kill Crazy runs, jumps out of the ring, picks up a chair and runs out of the arena screaming "YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" at the top of his lungs, then chucks the chair at a car and starts a loud annoying Car alarm*



Announcer: LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE! In this corner, weighing in at 119 pounds, KRISTINE KOCHANSKI!!!! *Kochanski smiles childishly and waves at the crowd while they cheer*

And in this corner, weighing an un measurably small amount , NIRVANAH CRANE!!!! *Cheering* Lets get it on!!!

**Bell Dings**

Nirvanah: *Stands there and does nothing but smile an evil smile*

Kochanski: *Starts doing kicks in the air and getting cheers from the crowd*

Nirvanah: Why don't you just quit, little girl. You can't physically harm me!

Kochanski: That's what you think! *Kochanski goes over to Nirvanah, takes her light bee and smashes it on the ground*

Announcer: Hmmm, that was a quick match. Oh what the hell, WE HAVE A WINN-.

*The smashed pieces on Nirvanah's light bee float in mid air and assemble themselves, then fly over and hit Kochanski in the head, leaving her unconscious. Nirvanah Crane's image re appears*

Announcer: Well… that was interesting! We have a winner!!

Nirvanah: Told ya' you were going down! *Strolls off*



Announcer: ALRIGHT! Lets bring out our next competitors.

*Rimmer walks out if the Men's locker room wearing Tiny Blue shorts. Everyone in the crowd blushes at the same time*

Announcer. In This corner. Weighing…

Rimmer: Hey hey, Miladdo! Can we skip this part?

Announcer: If you say so… In the other corner, weighing 400 points *Rimmer's eyes widen with shock* The Inquisitor!!!!!

Rimmer: HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

*The Inquisitor growls*

*Rimmer jumps over the cables and runs out of the arena screaming*

Announcer: Well, that was quick. WE HAVE A WINNER! *Evil laughter from the Inquisitor*



Announcer; ALRIGHT! Lets heat things up in the joint! In This corner, He'll do you're laundry, he'll clean you're Lavvy…

Kryten: *"Blushes"* Please sir, don't flatter me.

Announcer: …weighing in at 150 ponds, here's our mechanoid man KRYTEN!!!

In this corner, weighing 300 pounds, Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech!!! *clears his throat and takes a caught drop*

*Four Gelfs sitting in the front row stand up and start cheering their heads off. Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech blows then a kiss.*

***Bell dings***

Kryten: This is for Mr. Lister! *Pulls his android arm back and swings it at her, punching her in the face*

Ech-ech-ech-ech…: *Just stands there, no damage is done* Says something in Gelf language translated into: I'm going to crush you like a bug, robot! *evil laughter. Ech-ech-ech-ech… flings her self against the raining and bounces back and jumps on Kryten, crushing him to death*

Announcer: WE HAVE A WINNER! Alright, lets get to our next battle. In this corner, weighing 170 pounds, he's not from this dimension… ACE RIMMER!!! *Every person in the audience stands up and cheers loud*

And in this corner, weighing… He's requested that we not tell you his weight, CAPTAIN FRANK HOLLISTER!! *booing*

***bell dings***

Ace: I can't do it. I refuse to hurt you.

Announcer: Oh come on! We haven't had any action all night!

Ace: I'm sorry, but I refuse.

Hollister: Oh come on!

Ace: *shakes head*

Kill Crazy: (whispers) pssst. Ace, come here!

Ace: *Walks over* What is it, my chummy?

Kill Crazy: Look over there. *Ace looks, Kill crazy takes out a needle and injects him with PCP while he isn't looking*

*Aces face turns red with rage* You fat piece of lard… I'm going to crush you like a bug! *growls with rage*

Hollister: wait… please don't!

Ace: You ugly fat bastard, you have a face only a mother could love!

Hollister's mother: *Gets up from the audience* And I don't!

Hollister: But Mummy?

*Ace takes a swing at him while he isn't looking, Hollister gets flung to the other side of the ring*

Ace: You tub of lard! Aren't you even gonna' put up a fight?!

Hollister: I FORFEIT!!

Announcer: Well, I guess that was interesting. We haven't had a real fight all night. Alright Ace, you win!

Ace: You ugly git!

Announcer: hey hey! You watch you're mouth!

Ace: *Punches announcer in the face. Announcer falls off his chair. Ace kicks him out of the way* Looks like I'm the announcer now! In this corner, the ugly, unfashionable nerdy guy, DUANE DIBLY!!

In this corner, the vein, stupid, cloister worshiping guy, The Cat!

Cat: How'm' I lookin'?

Ace: My god, you are the best looking bloke I have seen… ever!

Cat: I already knew that, but that doesn't answer my question!

Duane: *Looks cat up and down* So, you're my alternate personality, want a sandwich?

Cat: No I don't want a sandwich! I want to kick you in the stomach with my extremely fashionable Cuban heels.

Duane: Can I interest you in a triple thick condom? Perhaps a thermos? What about a science text book?

Cat: A science text book? Only if I can hit you over the head with it!

Duane: hey, No need to get violent, Mister!

Cat: Yes there is, this is Red Dwarf smash down after all! Now will you please keep your unfashionable mouth shut while I punch you in the face?

Ace: QUIT YOUR FOUL WHINING AND BE AN MAN, DUANE! SOMETIME THIS CENTURY, PLEASE!!!

Duane: *sticks out fists* Ok, let me warn you, I'm gonna' punch you so…

Cat: Shut up, dork! I can't stand to be so close to someone this nerdy and unfashionable. Lets get this over with! *Punches Duane in the face, then kicks him until he is lying on the floor motionless* That's better.

Ace: Alright! You win… Oh my god! The PCP is wearing off! HOLY SHIT, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Rimmer: I'll tell you what you did. You punched out Hollister and called him a fat tub of lard. I think I am finally beginning to like you.

Ace: I did what?!?

Rimmer: Then again, maybe not.

Lister: Nice job with Hollister, Man! *Pats Ace on the back*

Ace: What have I done?!

*Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech emerges from the shadows and cracks her knuckles* Gelf language: I'll Get you, Dave Lister!! *Jumps and pounces on him*

Dave: *Screams at top of his lungs* GET HER OFF ME GET HER OFF ME!!!

~

Lister furiously pulls off his helmet and finds that he is sitting in the AR machine next to Kryten, Rimmer, and the Cat.

Lister: Remind me to never EVER do that again!!!