Title of Series: Soul Searching
Name: Downward Spiral
Author: FaItHzAnGeL a.k.a. Fernando Rangel
Email: fivexangel@aol.com
Pairings: None as of yet….
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to either Joss Whedon, UPN, all the crew who makes Buffy possible, and Peter David, and DC Comics for Supergirl.
Author's Notes: AU. Spoilers for Season five Finale. Buffy's dead, no one's bringing her back—a s far as I can tell right now at least… In case there is confusion: the following part is excerpts from what Faith is reading from the diary at the end of Part 7. This is also is based loosely on issue seven of Supergirl (in perhaps two instances). So, this contains a few spoilers for that issue. The dates are adjusted and fairly accurate as to when they happened on the show. Some are a few weeks after when they take place in the show (not necessarily when they aired). Finally, this contains lyrics from Pink's song "Dear Diary".
Summary: When heroes collide, the unlikeliest things happen. For Faith and Supergirl, they'll learn that lesson the hard way…
Category: Action/Adventure, Angst, Romance, Horror, Drama
Spoilers: Season One through Five of Buffy the Vampire up to and including "The Gift". Barring Five by Five and Sanctuary of Angel, that's where it goes AU. This also contains spoilers from Supergirl of DC Comics. Pretty much issues one through fifty right now.
Rating: PG, for violence
Dedication: To all of you who've read this and sent me a review and continue to read this (especially those who've sent some through e-mails) I thank you, I'm finishing this for you.
Feedback: I'd love to get feedback. So, if you read this, and would like to give a guy a pat on the back, then go on ahead and give me feedback!
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Dear, Dear, Diary
I wanna tell my secrets
cause you're the only one
that I know will keep them
Dear, Dear, Diary I wanna tell my secretsI know you'll keep them
and this is what I've done…
=====
This is the Diary of: Faith Linda Danvers
May 2, 1997
Dear Diary,
I use to think that he'd come back.
That after four years of going missing, of just being gone, he'd come and we'd be a big happy family; I know better now. Mom still thinks that though, it's sad. She cries, and she bawls, and she prays, but he never does step through the door. Sometimes, when she's had one too many, she stares at the door, as if willing him to come home.
It's scary.
I started this stupid thing cause they said it'd be a good idea, that I'd figure things out; it's a crock, I've only gotten more questions about everything. I go to church every Sunday, and all I end up with is being confused still, probably even more. I want to be like the other kids, so confident in themselves, so confident in their beliefs – why can't I?
Ever have one of those days where nothing makes sense? Yeah, well welcome to my day.
Things Faith Did Today:
- Got an A on the math test
- Went out to the quarry for a swim
- Went to talk to Mary Ann – she's pregnant now, isn't that sad? She's like the smartest ever and she has to drop out cause of Billy.
- Had to save Lilly from getting her face pounded in by Rita.
Well, that's enough of that.
I ran into this guy today at the retreat near church while the Reverend was speaking. He was tall, all rugged, and he had a huge nose – it was kind of cute though. I was sitting by the tree thinking about the last time I went over to the Reverend's house, when I found out that Mrs. Varvel had left him…knowing how much of a lie that was, and seeing….
…seeing that rug being hauled out of there bloodstained….
God, I should've said something to someone, but who would've believed me?
Buzz had been hanging around in the tree (not sure why, thought it was odd too), he just fell out of it, it surprised the heck out of me, and he just sat there like nothing, as if he hadn't just done the most bizarre. Mattie and Mary Ann were up in the crowd, loving the talk, getting into the feel of things while I hung around back away from everyone except this blond stranger and he just shouted, "Rubbish!"
He stared at me, as if I knew exactly what he was talking about. He started speaking to me, telling me all sorts of things about hypocrisy, and how Varvel was just a large man telling us to 'live poor' and go to heaven while he gets fat with the money we donate.
Which…in a sense…is oddly true…
He started to wig me out much more than the usual weirdoes around these parts do, so I started to back away, freaking me out with all the answers he was giving me. Answers to questions I had never even thought about; wrong, awful questions.
And as I left he shouted, "Remember 'do what thou wilt…do what thou wilt…'"
When it was time for Mattie, Mary Ann, and I to leave, all I could think about was that guy, all I could hear was his voice and all those things he told me, how much sense it made – and that scared me, more than I think I realize even now.
— Faith Linda Danvers
June 15, 1997Dear Diary,
Its been one hell of a month, and shitty too. Buzz has been coming around a lot more often, and I can say that it isn't all that bad. He's…
Nice.
Strange, I know, a creepy weirdo who is nice? But he's not like everyone else; he's real. He tells the truth, he says what everyone refuses to see, to think, to say. He's picking me up tomorrow after school; he says there's something he has to show me, that it'll 'rock my world'.
My mom is seeing someone, he seems like a good type of guy, but I don't trust him. I get this whole 'asshole' vibe from him, but he's done nothing to tell me so. Maybe my defenses are up on him or something.
She's drinking more.
I usually wouldn't care, she's gotten drunk before, had one too many, but never on a regular basis like this. Tom, mom's beau, doesn't say anything about it.
At least she's not crying for dad to come home.
Things Faith Did Today:
- Got a C on the Math Test
- Met Buzz for some fun.
- Went to the mall with Buzz, who introduced me to the world of the five-finger discount.
- Mattie and I argued over Buzz's affect on me (needless to say things aren't of the good between us).
Mattie doesn't get it, how can I not spend as much time with her when it's only been a month since I've met Buzz. It's not like he's my boyfriend, and it's not as if I've been totally ignoring her. So I haven't spent the first 14 days of summer with her, big fucking deal. What about last year when her parents took her to Paris, and I was here by my lonesome?
I don't know, its just things are starting to get weird, or maybe it is just me? Maybe I am being different, but if I am then it's because I have reason to be different, to change. The world isn't roses, it's needles, and I'm learning how to survive in the real world, and that's thanks to Buzz.
I haven't been going to church more often, my mom's upset about that. I just…I don't trust Varvel, he's a hypocrite, a liar, scum, and I can't be a part of something that's just full of lies.
I lost my book of poems the other day. Turns out that Buzz had them, I had left them in his car. He read them, and started laughing. I usually don't take anything personal, but when it comes to my writing, that's something different, that is personal. Its who I am, it's what I'm about, my feelings, my being.
And Buzz laughed.
He said that my stuff was good, inventive, but utter rubbish, that none of it was real.
He was right.
That's the part that tore me up, I prided myself about telling the truth, about telling what was real. And I didn't, don't, believe any of the shit that's in it. I burned the book. Bought another to start the real stuff. No more living a lie for this Faith, no way.
— Faith Linda Danvers
Dec 8, 1997Dear Diary,
Sex.
Its great.
It's wonderful.
It's all encompassing greatness.
It's my new obsession.
So is Buzz, my uber-obsession.
I didn't think it'd be so much fun, I thought that it'd just be a whole 'wham bam thank you ma'am' type of deal, cause that's all I've ever seen. But Buzz makes it fun, and it's just amazing. Ok, yeah, I'm 14 but who cares? Mary Ann was what, 12? Of course, I'll be hella more careful than her, the baby's due in 2 months y'know? I don't really talk to her or Mattie anymore, they're so fucking boring, and they think they're better than I am. Losers.
But none of that is the point.
Buzz is taking me into the forest later this week, and I bet it'll be great. School isn't interesting me as much anymore, and I've completely stopped going to church. My mom has started getting all drunk every day, and I'm pretty sure she's doing something more…I can see it in her eyes.
Frank's – mom's new boy toy – moved in, he's a big asshole, but what can I do?
My mom's tried to get me to go to church on her more sober days, but she hardly ever succeeds.
Things Linda Did Today:
- Skipped school
- Buzz picked me up and we went to…party at his house for a while.
- Wrote a couple more poems while Buzz fell asleep
- Started running around the mall calling attention to myself
- Picked a fight with a couple people
- Swam out in the quarry stark nude
Buzz has introduced me to his friends; they're odd; cool, but odd. They all dress funny, and they're all about having fun. Stealing is becoming a bigger group ritual; we hit the malls, some department stores, even a few Mom and Pop Shops. Its cool, I know Buzz has fun and truth be told so am I. I'm very sure my mom wishes I were like all the other girls. But you know what mom? I'm not!
Buzz took me into a bar the other night, and we started a fight. It was awesome; fighting is my new favorite thing to do. I love the way the body can move to instill such pain. It's like dancing, shuffling back and forth trading blows, its wonderfully sexy. It brings out something in me that nothing else ever has before. It makes me feel good.
— Faith L. Danvers
June 15, 1998Dear Diary,
Everything…is different now.
I wasn't planning to have a destiny, and I really hadn't thought that I'd amount to anything.
We'll get into that later though.
Buzz's shown me a lot of things, and some of them are very unsettling at how attracted I am to them, I mean he's in deep.
Deep into something – I'm not even sure about what it is, but something tells me its something demonic (something I have to steer clear from…at least for a while). I have to stay away from Buzz now, he's shown me stuff…stuff that I don't even want to talk about, shown me…
God I don't even like remembering it.
That night in the forest, when he tried to 'initiate' me into that cult or club or whatever, I ran away. That should tell you something, I never run away from anything. But no matter what I saw, or how hard I ran away, I'm still with Buzz now, I can't leave him for too long. I even saw him today….
Things Faith Did Today:
- Broke a window with my fist with Buzz - accident
- Broke a door down with Buzz - not an accident
- Stole a couple of knives
- Stole some food
- Did bad stuff basically
- Watched Supergirl on TV
- Met a strange woman…
…named Emily Price.
Now for the odd part.
I was on my way home, chilling, having fun, always doing the me thing. When I was called by name from a darkened alley, which of course any kid who was born on the poor side of town knows never to go through, so I kept walking until I saw the person come out; I knew she wasn't a threat.
She was British, and she was old.
She called me again, and this time I answered her. She looked relieved and said that I was in dire danger, I needed to be trained, that I should've been prepared, that I was the only one who could save the world!
Of course, I just said, "Hey, call Supergirl, call Superman, I'm Faith, what the hell could I do?" Then she said, "You're the Slayer, you can stop them! You've been chosen."
Now, then she gave me this really big, long, boring speech, and said that I was destined to fight vampires, to slay demon, save the world. That I was chosen by whatever Powers that Be are up there, and what am I supposed to do? Say, "Hey, Ok, let's get this whole vampire slayin' thing started!"
She was a fucking loon! I knew it, I'm pretty sure others would've believed me. And I don't know why I just didn't run, why I just didn't leave. I might've gotten out of what I'd seen.
I saw it – everything she told me – was real, that none of it was ever fake, that it's all real. A vampire attacked me while she was explaining everything. It was a new vampire, I could tell because it had all this dirt.
She coached me through it, and I staked the fucker.
He was dust in the wind, and I was frozen in time forever.
I couldn't believe it.
I was strong.
I was fast.
And I kicked ass.
I was Supergirl!
Only cooler….
Ok, not really, but the point is I'm meant for something, I have a reason for being here! I'm a chosen one. One girl in all the world who can stop these things, these vampires, from hurting people.
I won't shit you, I was fucking terrified; I stood there ready to just run when I saw that demon for the first time. His yellow eyes, those horrible teeth, the eyebrows were contorted; he was definitely not human, no human was that ugly (and I have seen really ugly people before). But I knew I couldn't leave this woman, couldn't have her dying because I was a wimp - plus I was pretty sure he'd chase me if I ran.
I hurt myself when he rammed me into the wall, but I am feeling better now, oddly. She said that I'm going to be healing faster now; I guess that's a good thing.
I'm still not sure what to do now, or how I'm supposed to feel.
I don't know whether to be happy to have a destiny, or feel like dying because I have a destiny. Besides, this gives me something to do, school is out of the picture, if you catch my drift.
– Faith Danvers
September 28, 1998Dear Diary,
She's dead, dear God, she's dead!
We were kidnapped, someone…someone grabbed me, led me to Kakistos' manor.
I couldn't do anything to save her!
He chained us up, knocked me out, drugged me up, and made me watch. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I'd never give him the satisfaction. I scarred the fucker before Emily told me to book it. Leave her, and he's chased me ever sense.
I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go; I'm all alone and Watcher-less. Any other day this would've been cool, fancy-free and no Watcher to tell me who, what, when, where, and why.
But, it's not the same.
She's dead, she won't be telling me those things again and it's all my fault I couldn't stop him. If I had moved a muscle…if I had just…done something maybe I could've saved her!
I'm on a bus trekking my way across the U.S. just running, hoping he doesn't find me, but I can feel him like he's breathing down my neck.
I'm heading to Sunnydale, a place where I hear I won't be alone; there's someone like me, and her name is Buffy Summers.
– Faith
December 25, 1998Dear Diary,
Merry Christmas, whatever that means.
I've been here for a couple months now, and when I first got here, it was pretty cool, decent place to stay, Kakistos out of my hair, no problems. Buffy and crew were odd, nothing like I was used to but I got over it.
We're so different it's not even funny, B's just…too good-goody for me, or maybe it's just what Buzz's showed me, and what I've seen that's turned me cynical. I don't have my mother, last I heard she O.D.ed on cocaine, and before I left Frank tried beating me into a bloody pulp, thankfully Emily had taken him out for me, who knows what I would've done to the fucker…
Emily…
I miss her.
I see Giles and Buffy and I want to just die.
Don't tell anyone that though, cause I'll lie about it; Faith doesn't care about watchers and feelings, right? I made sure that was certain a long time ago, no more feeling anything, no more doing what's cool, or right, but what you have to do to survive. For every minute you let your guard down, someone could snatch you up and…well, you know where I'm heading with this.
Buffy and her mom invited me to their house for Christmas, it was nice. They had all the bells and whistles and trimmings, I even got a present or two! But…it's so different from my life.
I feel like this is all a dream. I'll wake up and Buzz'll be looking down at me and laughing at how I've turned out. "Faith the big shot Slayer in the shadow of a blond cheerleader."
I haven't seen Buzz since I left Boston after Emily saved me. I never did hear what happened to him, but what he told me stays with me, and it still rings true. I believe him now even more than I did before after I've done the things I've done, said the things I've said, all of it.
I look at Buffy and I see everything I'm supposed to be: beautiful, valiant, friendly, sophisticated…
…happy…
And I'm not any of those things, why?
I mean I'm good looking, no man has ever said otherwise, but…I stick to myself, I am not smart like her friends and her are, let's face it I dropped out of school to do the slaying thing. She's confident because her mother is there, and my mother gave up on raising me the day dad left, so how come I get the short end of the stick, the shaft?
Why me?
I'm just a good a Slayer as Buffy is, better even, and why does she get the breaks?
I don't know, maybe I'm just destined to be the little sister out of the limelight. I mean this is Buffy's town, though she should be dead. I don't mean that in a horribly sadistic way, I mean in all honesty she is supposed to be dead or I wouldn't be here.
Why is she so special?
There's a lot going through my head lately and I'm not sure about anything I'm doing anymore. It's like I'm going through the motions, like I'm not really here. The only time I feel alive is when I take one, a vamp that is, or when I'm in the sack, or on the dance floor. I can't get enough of it, the emptiness that's inside ebbs when I'm on the floor, or on my back, or slamming my fist into a vampire's face.
I know Buffy feels it too, I see it in her eyes, but she fights it.
I don't.
I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or if it's a bad. But oddly, I'm not really caring.
– Faith
February 9, 1999Dear Diary,
There was so much blood.
I didn't think the human body could hold so much blood, but he did. God, he just came out of nowhere. Tonight, while I was slaying, I…
God, it's just so hard to say. Its all so unreal, like its all a dream, I keep wanting to wake up, but I know better. The Deputy Mayor just….
Me and Buffy were out slaying, I was giving her a feel for the wild side, show her how to have fun, and I ended up not seeing him and I staked him.
I staked a man.
A human.
How stupid could I be?!
It was an accident, and I saw how much Buffy was afraid of me, and…
God, I'm a murderer.
But no.
I'm the Slayer. It happened, I didn't mean for it to happen, I feel bad, but I can't let this eat at me, if I do … I'll just go insane. Being the Slayer means that sometimes there are sacrifices, sometimes you just have to put your brave face forward, and I can't change what happened.
No one else can know.
It never happened, all I have to do is go back…
I have to go back and make it like we were never there…
– Faith
February 24, 1999Dear Diary,
It's been two week since the fiasco with the Deputy Mayor, two weeks since I took him, weighted him, and dumped him, only to have him be found. Buffy laid the whole 'better than thou' trip on me again, and I tried to jump ship when everyone found out it was me and Wesley, the fucking prick, tried to arrest me and take me back to England.
I'm not Buffy, no way in hell I could ever be.
I tried doing it right, I tried playing by the rules and what did it fucking get me? Huh? Nothing but a fucking headache and being alone!
Fuck that.
I don't care anymore.
I'm in a good place now.
I'm out of the sleazy motel and into a better apartment. I've got money, I've got food, and a wicked awesome Playstation.
I gotta say, the Mayor does got the hook-up.
Ok, so hooking up with the bad guy wasn't exactly the greatest of my plans, but it's got its rewards. And from the sound of things, I'm definitely on the right side of the equation this year. Mayor's in for a wicked transformation and Buffy and Co. don't have a clue what's going to hit them.
I do wonder sometimes what it would be like if I hadn't run, or if I hadn't gone to the Mayor like I have. Would things really be different?
I don't think so.
I'm the bitch they love to hate.
And I can so be that if they want me to.
Things Faith Did Today:
-Killed a rival demon
-Got a new weapon to use against Buffy
-Learned a new technique from one of the Mayor's mercenaries
-Beat the living shit out of a guy who tried to cop a feel.
-Spied on Buffy and friends for the Mayor
They're doing fan-friggin-tastic without me, as expected. They just have to fear for their lives that at any minute I'll come and slit their throats. And I'd do it too, with a song in my heart. But playing with them is cool.
Being feared is great; I have a lot of power now. More power than even Buffy…
I never think of Emily anymore, she's dead and long gone. She was a fool to think I could be anything more than who I am, a bad evil girl; a bitch.
– Faith
May 20, 1999Dear Diary,
I landed a great shot at Angel; he's down for the count. Mayor said the stuff I shot him with was wicked painful that he should die soon. I'm so glad. God, the look on Buffy's face alone was enough to have me squeal with joy. She scrambled on the road as if her entire world was coming to an end.
I laughed all the way home.
The Mayor's got big plans for us all, he says I'm a key figure in the days to come. At least I know I've got a place in the world. I thought I had one as a Slayer, but that title is reserved for a blond super-hero here in Sunnydale.
Things Faith Did Today:
-Killed a guy to cover up the Mayor's tracks
-Killed the Delivery man and saved the Mayor a few bucks
-Stole stuff from the Sporting Goods Store
-Tested out my brand new Crossbow
-Went to the Bronze and partied a little before starting a fight; it was fun.
I always wonder what it takes for Buffy to snap; to finally cut loose. I am pretty sure this whole thing with Angel'll do it, I mean she knows I'm after all of them, even the Mayor is after them. It shouldn't be too hard for her to figure out the source of Angel's pain. If this finally sets her off, she'll come for me, she'll find me, and she'll do me in. Or at least she'll die trying, every time I think about her trying to take me out I can't help but laugh. Trying to imagine Buffy hovering over me with a bloodied knife is laughable. She'd never be able to do it.
Though right now I'm not so sure…
The time I've spent here in Sunnydale, all of the things that have happened to me I can't help but feel that this is such a Buzz thing. Like he'd work his "magic" to get me to this point, to get me to a point where I'll kill at the drop of a hat. But that'd be crazy.
Though I get now what Buzz was trying to show me back in the forest before I ran away. When the van pulled up after I stood there waiting impatiently, and they kicked out two people onto the grass. I hadn't a clue what was going on until I saw them take off the masks. Reverend Varvel and a woman I don't remember, but she knows me. They were screaming to be let free, and Buzz just smiled as if it were all a game.
Then came the knives.
I watched him as he hefted one up, asking if I wanted to know what real fun was about, what really feeling alive meant. I didn't get it then; when I watched him raise his hand and bring it down fast and my eyes widened as the crimson mess spilled on the ground, I ran.
Well Buzz, I get it now. Aren't you proud of me now?
The scary thing is…when I ask that question to the wind, I can see him laughing, and I can even hear his chortle in the wind…
Maybe it's a sign?
Oh well, tonight's the night before the Ascension, I'm going to start working out, or just relax in bed and read some comics; that's always fun.
– Faith
February 28, 2000Dear Diary,
I was loved.
I had friend.
I was the Slayer, the one and only.
I had a family.
I had a life…
…and it wasn't mine…
It's been eight months since I've written in this thing last, and a lot has happened. Buffy did find me, and she figured it out. I still got the short end of the stick, but it wasn't enough to kill me. Just take me out of the game for 8 months, yes a coma if you haven't figured it out.
The mayor gave me the ultimate chance for revenge, I was able to take Buffy's life away and give her mine. I could've been Buffy Summers, a life where I could do anything I want with no baggage, or a paper trail of past offenses.
I had it all, I could've fucked Buffy's life from here to Tuesday….
I never expected it to affect me. I never expected any of this. Feeling so dirty all the time, feeling so low, feeling like I'm nothing but shit because that's all I am.
I was Buffy for a day and a half, and in that day and a half, I was able to feel….love.
Riley…soldier boy…he looked into my eyes and he said, "I love you." It didn't matter that I was naked, that I was servicing him, he loved me…. Buffy, he loved Buffy. I thought it was all a game, that that was all it was, that's all sex has ever been, a game with no attachments, and then he said those three words. Nothing has ever affected me as much as when he said them, and the painful realization that they weren't meant for me.
For the first time in my life I was thanked for the job, I was 'destined' to do, and I was in Buffy's body. I saw friends who were worried, a mother who loved me unconditionally.
It was ripped away in a matter of seconds; I went from feeling complete, whole, to feeling more empty and lost.
I'm so cold, and it's 100 degrees out.
When I was Buffy, I had no reason to feel guilty, to feel dirty, and I wasn't. I was Buffy Summers, the Slayer, and an innocent person dying was wrong. The minute I looked at my face in that church I knew it was over. I saw my dark eyes staring at me, and it was as if my soul was burning. I knew what I was for the first time in my life, and it was most definitely not a Slayer. I haven't been since the Deputy Mayor. I turned my back on everything because of things past, because of a life that's bitten me in the ass, because someone lured me.
In Buffy's body, I had power beyond my wildest dreams, I was energized, and I was full of life. When my soul slipped out of hers, and eased back into mine I could feel how dead I was feeling, so run down, so out of it, so ready to give up, roll over and fall into an early grave that I've been digging since I was 14 years old.
I was so alone, so empty, and I knew I would never be the same again, I knew that I could never come back to Sunnydale and have the fun I use to have, and I knew that no matter where I went, I'd always feel this way. And I'd be nothing but Faith, the killer, the murder, the one who needs to die, isn't that a great ending?
I'm on a cargo bus, I managed to grab my things, and catch the next thing out of here. We've been driving for two days; I've been hiding under the covers while he stops for gas; how sad, a Slayer hiding from a man, a human.
I'm not sure where I'm going, or where I'm headed, but it's not like it matters.
– F.L.D.
May 22, 2001
Dear Diary,
It's hard to believe that it's been four years today that I've been writing in this thing; and it's proved useless.
I started this to get answers about who I am, about what I am, my whole point of living, and to let out some of my anger. What I've learned is I'm a disillusioned kid, with dreams of grandeur.
That, and I'm a bitch.
It doesn't matter anyway, it's not as if it matters to anyone but me.
I've amounted to nothing in my time here. I mean, I've fucked things up for myself, I'm wanted everywhere, I'm pretty sure I'll die any minute now, hopefully with a fight, but the way I'm feeling I doubt I'll put one up, I feel like giving up.
Think maybe that's how all the Slayers who die young are before its their time?
I had a dream today, it was about Buffy.
I thought that was odd too.
But in my dream, we weren't fighting, we were friends again. That what I did in the past didn't matter, that all was forgiven, all that was past was past. We were back in her room, the dagger firmly out of our reach, and we just sat talking. Suddenly I was back on the street in Sunnydale staring up at a large tower as Dawn was fighting with Buffy. The tower was shotty, made of scrap metal, but they kept standing there. They were still for a long time and a portal widened in the sky; it was beautiful, but everything in my mind told me it was bad, very, very bad.
That's when I saw it.
The most beautiful site in the world…
…she jumped…
She ran the length of the tower, she nose-dived off the structure and into the portal as the dawn rose, and she sacrificed herself for those she loved, and the fate of the world – beautiful.
When I woke up I just felt even angrier, I'm not sure why. Maybe it was cause she got a better ending of a story than I ever will, I'll probably end up getting sucked by some vamp, or hit by a car, or alcohol poisoning, nothing as glorious, or as beautiful as that. Not that death is beautiful, that's not even my point, but she died for something, something she believed in, for people she loved; I don't' have that.
I never will.
The sad thing is…I don't care. I never realized how much I didn't care until now, when I realized I would rather my death be painful, upsetting, and harsh because…
…its what I deserve…
…and the sad thing is: I hope it's soon.
This is the Diary of: Faith? Supergirl? …moving on…
August 14, 2001Dear Diary,
Well, a diary would've been helpful a month ago. I haven't actually done one of these before, at least none that I can remember. I picked this thing up cause I figured it would give me more insight on my life, give me a better understanding of who I was, and who I am now. Some of this stuff is difficult to read, mostly because I know how attracted Faith was to the darkness, I feel it.
I've looked through some of my…her…my poems, and I like them. I started a couple verses the other day, and I'm starting to get back into the groove of things. I think I'll try to keep up with this, just so that I can sort through things. God knows how muddled my head is right now, I need something to help me be abstract, and no matter how great Giles is, I can't confide in him. I don't think he'd be too keen on his new Slayer also being Supergirl, especially since he hired her to help me. I'm still surprised he cared at all, from the look of things I am not exactly second-chance material. But for whatever reason I have one, only it's a lot more difficult. I'll be struggling with two identities now.
I wonder how things'll turn out?
I've sort of patched things up with Willow when I told her to apologize to Giles, but I doubt I did much. Dawn, God she's a great kid, I'm so glad she's not like her sister in the grudge respect, I don't think I'd be able to cope around here without her…or Giles.
I start school next week.
It feels odd, I've never been to school, and what memories I do have are filled with dread at the prospect of starting school – we'll see what happens. I take my placement exam on Friday, they've 'lost' my files. I wonder if the Council has anything to do with that?
Giles and I started combat training today, I act instinctively, he says that's good, but that I need to relearn how to fight from planned movements rather than leaving it up to chance.
While everyone's in bed I've started patrolling out as Supergirl, not going through the cemeteries, or doing the Slayer stuff, but meta-villain-wise. I rescued a kitty from a tree, and I'm not even kidding. I managed to keep a couple from being murdered. Stopped a bank robbery at two in the morning.
I'll leave the Slaying and such for when I'm Faith.
Life is odd.
I just learned this. I'm so glad that I have the chance to actually be part of humanity and not on the outside looking in. And even when I was Faith alone, I never felt like I was part of the human race, as if I was always last on that chain. I've always been on the outside, and I've always wanted desperately to be in. The difference between being Supergirl, and Faith, was that Faith stopped caring about it, she accepted it in a perverse dark way, as Supergirl I let it fester and I just did what was right.
But all that is gone and done with because now Faith and me are one, we're part of humanity and we know that now… I know that now.
It doesn't mean it's going to be easy for me; I still have a lot to learn.
Giles says that his 'evil' meter is going haywire, that something big is up. That means I'm going to be going into overdrive soon. Hopefully I'll be able to handle it.
I thought I saw Buzz the other night, but I doubt that he's here in Sunnydale, what would he want with a stupid little town anyway? I have to start preparing for a big battle soon, and I'm not quite sure if I'm up to par for it, but I'm going to try my best, and I think that's all I can do.
Maybe if it's my destiny to die, then maybe it'll be worth something, and not because I gave up. I want to die fighting for something I believe in, for someone or something I care about.
However, something tells me that this big thing, whatever it is, knows me.
I don't think I'll be able to fight it.
That scares me.
– Faith Linda Danvers
