Disclaimer: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Noah Wyle SIZZLES in
the movie Enough, so go check it out! He's…how can I put this? FREAKIN'
ADORABLE! Anyway, I don't own Carter or Noah, unfortunately, but I do
control what he does in my fics. I also don't own anyone else on ER and
none of these ideas will end up on ER…well, at least I don't think they
will. Oh yeah, and I don't own "Papercut" by Linkin Park or "Warning" by
Incubus.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Come on, Abby, I need that Haldol," John Carter exclaimed, trying to restrain the thrashing patient before him along with the assistance of Michael Gallant, Gregory Pratt, and Dr. Luka Kovac.
"I'm working on it," Abby Lockhart replied, quickly grabbing the syringe from her fellow nurse, Haleh, and handing it to Carter. She watched as he injected the Haldol into the patient and all in the room breathed a sigh of relief when the patient stopped moving.
"Okay, let's get him up to the OR," Carter ordered.
"Right," Luka replied, walking with Haleh toward the elevators.
"Good job with that central line, Michael," Carter praised to his student on their way out of the trauma room.
The young med student beamed. "Thank you, Dr. Carter."
Carter smiled, but it quickly faded.
"It was a rookie's job," Pratt commented arrogantly.
Carter shot a warning glance at the intern, who shrugged in reply.
"Don't listen to him, Gallant, he doesn't know the difference between a scalpel and a syringe," Abby put in, saving the med student's dignity.
Carter's smile returned.
"Yes, I do!" Pratt said defensively.
"Shut up, Pratt," Carter told him. "Go find a patient or something."
Pratt sighed exasperatedly, but obeyed him and walked away.
Carter turned back to Michael. "Really, Gallant, you did a good job."
Michael gave him a tight smile. "Thanks," he said again. "I think I'm going to go find a patient as well."
He turned and walked to Chairs.
Carter looked at Abby as they reached the admit desk. "Why can't all med students be like him?" he wondered out loud.
"Because," Abby replied, "that would mean life would be easier. And we both know that life hates us."
Carter laughed. "How could I forget?"
An awkward silence filled the gap between them and stood next to each other, looking around the ER.
"Uh, hey, Frank, Jerry, when does Dr. Weaver get on?" Carter asked to break the silence.
"I don't know and I don't care," Frank replied sourly, going back to doing whatever it was he was doing on the computer.
"Five," Jerry called to him before going back to speaking with someone on the phone.
"Thank you," Carter called back.
"You need her for something?" Abby asked.
"Huh? Oh, no, I was just wondering," he replied.
The nurse nodded in understanding. Carter turned his attention to Jerry's phone conversation.
"No, sir, you don't understand, this is not a private line…no, I can't let you do that, sir, I…sir, I understand that this is important, but I cannot allow you to talk to him on this phone line. Sir, he's right here, if you'd like I can tell to call you back right now so we can both be happy…yes, okay, he'll be right with you in a moment."
Jerry hung up and sighed in relief. He turned the to the curious Chief Resident.
"Hey, Carter, some guy named uh…Albert or uh…" Jerry started.
"Alger?" Carter prodded, standing up straight.
"Yeah, that's it. Anyway, he said he has something urgent to tell you and he needs you to call him back right now," the desk clerk finished.
"Okay…uh, I'll be in the Lounge then," Carter excused himself.
He walked to the Lounge and walked to his locker to get his cell phone. He dialed the number to the mansion and waited for Alger to pick up.
"Hello? Alger? It's John, what's going on?" he asked immediately. He waited for a few minutes and he took in a deep breath. "What did you say?"
As Alger repeated himself, Carter gave a barely audible wheeze. He slowly made his way to the couch, his legs close to tumbling beneath him. He fell onto the couch and closed his eyes.
"Uh, yes, Alger, I'm still here. Yes, I'll be there as soon as I can. Okay, see you soon."
He turned his phone off and walked back to his locker. He pulled out his coat and after closing the metal door, he leaned against it and rubbed his temples. He took another deep breath and walked out of the Lounge.
"Jerry, I'll be back soon, I have to go home for a little while," Carter said to him as he walked by.
"Hey, wait, Carter…" Jerry called to him, but trailed off when the doctor walked out the door.
Abby came walking up next to him and looked up at the bulky desk clerk. "What happened?" she asked.
Jerry shrugged. "I have no idea."
Carter pulled into the garage at the mansion and walked through the front door. Alger came into the parlor to meet him.
"Master John," Alger greeted sadly.
"Alger," Carter replied quietly. "She's still upstairs, I assume?"
Alger nodded. "Of course, Master John."
Carter gave him a solemn, small smile before making his way up the flight of stairs. He stopped at her room and looked in. He bit his lip at the sight of her, trying his best to hold back the tears he knew would later come. He slowly walked toward her bedside and when he reached it he peered down at the same face he had seen every day of his childhood. He reached down to stroke her white hair and leaned down to kiss her kind, wrinkled face.
"I'm sorry, Gamma," Carter whispered to her. "I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'll love you, Gamma. And I'll miss you."
He leaned down to give his grandmother one last kiss. He walked away from her now peaceful body and walked back down the stairs where Alger was waiting for him.
"Alger, can you call the funeral home, please?" John requested.
"Yes, Master John. But where are you going?" Alger inquired.
"I have a shift to finish," he replied, starting to walk out the door. "I'll be back in a few hours."
"Yes, sir. Er, Master John?" Alger called.
Carter turned. "Yes?"
"I'm sorry."
Carter smiled at the butler. "Thank you, Alger."
Alger nodded and Carter walked back to his car. He pulled out of the garage and drove back to the hospital. He thought about his grandmother throughout his entire drive and it took all his will power not to cry. He parked in his space and trudged back into the ER. He slowly walked past his co- workers who looked up at him with concern, having no clue as to why he looked so depressed. He walked straight into Curtain Three and turned off all the lights.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed but
I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me right underneath my skin
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Susan watched as Carter walked into the exam room and became even more concerned when she saw the lights go out. She turned to Abby who shrugged and looked back at the room. She looked down at her patient and realized that he had fallen asleep. She shook her head and stood up.
"Where are you going?" Abby asked her colleague.
"To check on Carter," Susan replied, walking to the room.
She opened the door and walked in. She reached for the lights, but heard Carter's voice.
"Can you leave them off for a minute?" he asked.
"Uh, sure," she replied, blinking a few times to get her eyes used to the light. She saw the outline of Carter's body hunched down on the floor. "Are you okay?"
"Not really," Carter replied. His voice sounded strangely…off. It wasn't his usual tone, which confused Susan.
"What's wrong?"
She didn't get an answer to the question.
"Isn't it funny," Carter began, "how a piece of sharp metal can just rip away a person's life?"
"What do you mean?" Susan asked.
"I mean like a simple kitchen knife. One minute, it can be intended for something as simple as cutting a cake. The next, it causes the death of an innocent young woman."
Susan sighed to herself, realizing what he was talking about. "It didn't ruin only one person's life."
"See, that's where you're wrong. Death is worse than life."
"Is it worse than living your life as a hell?"
"My life isn't complete hell, Susan. But you're missing the point."
"And what's your point?"
"A little piece of sharp metal…" Carter said again.
Susan couldn't take the darkness anymore and reached over to flip on the lights. She turned to look at Carter and gasped when she saw him slumped against a bed and examining a 10' blade.
"Carter, what are you doing?" she asked cautiously.
He looked up at her and looked back at the scalpel. He traced the dull side of the blade.
"I could end my life right now," he mused.
"Carter…" Susan started.
"You know, this is the room where I was stabbed," he told her, cutting her off.
Susan looked around, realizing that it was true. Curtain Three.
"It was right about where you're standing right now," he continued.
Susan narrowed her eyes, beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.
"I didn't really know what was going on at first, actually. I remember feeling this sharp pain in my back, but I didn't realize what it was. I remember reaching back, trying to figure out what happened…when I pulled my hand away, I saw the blood. Then I started to put two and two together." He gave a small laugh. "I fell. I called for help and then I fell. The music was so loud nobody could hear me, so…I tried to get up, but I just fell again. I seem to be good at doing that."
He paused and Susan looked at him. He looked her in the eye.
"I saw her, Susan. I will never forget seeing her face at that moment," he told her, tears clouding his eyes. "She looked like she was in so much pain…her neck was covered in blood…but that's all I remember. I mean, until the next time I woke up. God, Susan…why was I such an idiot. If it wasn't for me, it wouldn't have happened."
Susan shook her head and started to reply, but Carter held up his hand.
"I know what you're going to say," he said. He paused again. He put the blade he held back on the tray that was sitting next to him. "Gamma died today."
Susan gasped. She kneeled down in front of her ailing friend and colleague. "Oh, Carter…I'm so sorry."
She reached toward him to touch his face. He began to sob and she grabbed his hand. She pulled him close and let him cry on her shoulder.
"Shhh…it'll be okay, John, it'll be okay," Susan assured, stroking his hair. "You're going to be okay."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bat your eyes girl
Be otherworldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What's so wrong with
Being happy
Kudos to those who
See through sickness
When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Come on, Abby, I need that Haldol," John Carter exclaimed, trying to restrain the thrashing patient before him along with the assistance of Michael Gallant, Gregory Pratt, and Dr. Luka Kovac.
"I'm working on it," Abby Lockhart replied, quickly grabbing the syringe from her fellow nurse, Haleh, and handing it to Carter. She watched as he injected the Haldol into the patient and all in the room breathed a sigh of relief when the patient stopped moving.
"Okay, let's get him up to the OR," Carter ordered.
"Right," Luka replied, walking with Haleh toward the elevators.
"Good job with that central line, Michael," Carter praised to his student on their way out of the trauma room.
The young med student beamed. "Thank you, Dr. Carter."
Carter smiled, but it quickly faded.
"It was a rookie's job," Pratt commented arrogantly.
Carter shot a warning glance at the intern, who shrugged in reply.
"Don't listen to him, Gallant, he doesn't know the difference between a scalpel and a syringe," Abby put in, saving the med student's dignity.
Carter's smile returned.
"Yes, I do!" Pratt said defensively.
"Shut up, Pratt," Carter told him. "Go find a patient or something."
Pratt sighed exasperatedly, but obeyed him and walked away.
Carter turned back to Michael. "Really, Gallant, you did a good job."
Michael gave him a tight smile. "Thanks," he said again. "I think I'm going to go find a patient as well."
He turned and walked to Chairs.
Carter looked at Abby as they reached the admit desk. "Why can't all med students be like him?" he wondered out loud.
"Because," Abby replied, "that would mean life would be easier. And we both know that life hates us."
Carter laughed. "How could I forget?"
An awkward silence filled the gap between them and stood next to each other, looking around the ER.
"Uh, hey, Frank, Jerry, when does Dr. Weaver get on?" Carter asked to break the silence.
"I don't know and I don't care," Frank replied sourly, going back to doing whatever it was he was doing on the computer.
"Five," Jerry called to him before going back to speaking with someone on the phone.
"Thank you," Carter called back.
"You need her for something?" Abby asked.
"Huh? Oh, no, I was just wondering," he replied.
The nurse nodded in understanding. Carter turned his attention to Jerry's phone conversation.
"No, sir, you don't understand, this is not a private line…no, I can't let you do that, sir, I…sir, I understand that this is important, but I cannot allow you to talk to him on this phone line. Sir, he's right here, if you'd like I can tell to call you back right now so we can both be happy…yes, okay, he'll be right with you in a moment."
Jerry hung up and sighed in relief. He turned the to the curious Chief Resident.
"Hey, Carter, some guy named uh…Albert or uh…" Jerry started.
"Alger?" Carter prodded, standing up straight.
"Yeah, that's it. Anyway, he said he has something urgent to tell you and he needs you to call him back right now," the desk clerk finished.
"Okay…uh, I'll be in the Lounge then," Carter excused himself.
He walked to the Lounge and walked to his locker to get his cell phone. He dialed the number to the mansion and waited for Alger to pick up.
"Hello? Alger? It's John, what's going on?" he asked immediately. He waited for a few minutes and he took in a deep breath. "What did you say?"
As Alger repeated himself, Carter gave a barely audible wheeze. He slowly made his way to the couch, his legs close to tumbling beneath him. He fell onto the couch and closed his eyes.
"Uh, yes, Alger, I'm still here. Yes, I'll be there as soon as I can. Okay, see you soon."
He turned his phone off and walked back to his locker. He pulled out his coat and after closing the metal door, he leaned against it and rubbed his temples. He took another deep breath and walked out of the Lounge.
"Jerry, I'll be back soon, I have to go home for a little while," Carter said to him as he walked by.
"Hey, wait, Carter…" Jerry called to him, but trailed off when the doctor walked out the door.
Abby came walking up next to him and looked up at the bulky desk clerk. "What happened?" she asked.
Jerry shrugged. "I have no idea."
Carter pulled into the garage at the mansion and walked through the front door. Alger came into the parlor to meet him.
"Master John," Alger greeted sadly.
"Alger," Carter replied quietly. "She's still upstairs, I assume?"
Alger nodded. "Of course, Master John."
Carter gave him a solemn, small smile before making his way up the flight of stairs. He stopped at her room and looked in. He bit his lip at the sight of her, trying his best to hold back the tears he knew would later come. He slowly walked toward her bedside and when he reached it he peered down at the same face he had seen every day of his childhood. He reached down to stroke her white hair and leaned down to kiss her kind, wrinkled face.
"I'm sorry, Gamma," Carter whispered to her. "I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'll love you, Gamma. And I'll miss you."
He leaned down to give his grandmother one last kiss. He walked away from her now peaceful body and walked back down the stairs where Alger was waiting for him.
"Alger, can you call the funeral home, please?" John requested.
"Yes, Master John. But where are you going?" Alger inquired.
"I have a shift to finish," he replied, starting to walk out the door. "I'll be back in a few hours."
"Yes, sir. Er, Master John?" Alger called.
Carter turned. "Yes?"
"I'm sorry."
Carter smiled at the butler. "Thank you, Alger."
Alger nodded and Carter walked back to his car. He pulled out of the garage and drove back to the hospital. He thought about his grandmother throughout his entire drive and it took all his will power not to cry. He parked in his space and trudged back into the ER. He slowly walked past his co- workers who looked up at him with concern, having no clue as to why he looked so depressed. He walked straight into Curtain Three and turned off all the lights.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed but
I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It's like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it's time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me right underneath my skin
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Susan watched as Carter walked into the exam room and became even more concerned when she saw the lights go out. She turned to Abby who shrugged and looked back at the room. She looked down at her patient and realized that he had fallen asleep. She shook her head and stood up.
"Where are you going?" Abby asked her colleague.
"To check on Carter," Susan replied, walking to the room.
She opened the door and walked in. She reached for the lights, but heard Carter's voice.
"Can you leave them off for a minute?" he asked.
"Uh, sure," she replied, blinking a few times to get her eyes used to the light. She saw the outline of Carter's body hunched down on the floor. "Are you okay?"
"Not really," Carter replied. His voice sounded strangely…off. It wasn't his usual tone, which confused Susan.
"What's wrong?"
She didn't get an answer to the question.
"Isn't it funny," Carter began, "how a piece of sharp metal can just rip away a person's life?"
"What do you mean?" Susan asked.
"I mean like a simple kitchen knife. One minute, it can be intended for something as simple as cutting a cake. The next, it causes the death of an innocent young woman."
Susan sighed to herself, realizing what he was talking about. "It didn't ruin only one person's life."
"See, that's where you're wrong. Death is worse than life."
"Is it worse than living your life as a hell?"
"My life isn't complete hell, Susan. But you're missing the point."
"And what's your point?"
"A little piece of sharp metal…" Carter said again.
Susan couldn't take the darkness anymore and reached over to flip on the lights. She turned to look at Carter and gasped when she saw him slumped against a bed and examining a 10' blade.
"Carter, what are you doing?" she asked cautiously.
He looked up at her and looked back at the scalpel. He traced the dull side of the blade.
"I could end my life right now," he mused.
"Carter…" Susan started.
"You know, this is the room where I was stabbed," he told her, cutting her off.
Susan looked around, realizing that it was true. Curtain Three.
"It was right about where you're standing right now," he continued.
Susan narrowed her eyes, beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.
"I didn't really know what was going on at first, actually. I remember feeling this sharp pain in my back, but I didn't realize what it was. I remember reaching back, trying to figure out what happened…when I pulled my hand away, I saw the blood. Then I started to put two and two together." He gave a small laugh. "I fell. I called for help and then I fell. The music was so loud nobody could hear me, so…I tried to get up, but I just fell again. I seem to be good at doing that."
He paused and Susan looked at him. He looked her in the eye.
"I saw her, Susan. I will never forget seeing her face at that moment," he told her, tears clouding his eyes. "She looked like she was in so much pain…her neck was covered in blood…but that's all I remember. I mean, until the next time I woke up. God, Susan…why was I such an idiot. If it wasn't for me, it wouldn't have happened."
Susan shook her head and started to reply, but Carter held up his hand.
"I know what you're going to say," he said. He paused again. He put the blade he held back on the tray that was sitting next to him. "Gamma died today."
Susan gasped. She kneeled down in front of her ailing friend and colleague. "Oh, Carter…I'm so sorry."
She reached toward him to touch his face. He began to sob and she grabbed his hand. She pulled him close and let him cry on her shoulder.
"Shhh…it'll be okay, John, it'll be okay," Susan assured, stroking his hair. "You're going to be okay."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Bat your eyes girl
Be otherworldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What's so wrong with
Being happy
Kudos to those who
See through sickness
When she woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
