1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 7
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
PAIRING: CJ/Simon
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: She knew that if Simon went and found someone else, she'd simply break down. And for that reason alone, shouldn't she marry this man?
SPOILERS: None
***
"Simon, I don't think we can get married."
He couldn't really comprehend why or what she'd meant by it, but as Simon reclined uncomfortably in bed, he was struck all over again by CJ's words. She was still here with him, yes, but in the aftermath of a very long conversation, Simon felt like he'd lost a piece of what they had.
CJ had a lot that she was afraid of and she'd even given him some good reasons, but Simon was having trouble grasping her concept—the idea that marriage would change their relationship, that it would change them as people. CJ was afraid to show vulnerability with a man, she was afraid to give in to anyone—and that much was true: CJ never really let Simon take care of her, physically or emotionally.
And though left unsaid, Simon thought that CJ wanted to remain legally single for professional reasons; There was a sense that CJ felt her image, her power and her dynamic with the press would change should she get married. It was ridiculous, Simon cried inside, to think that she'd be taken less seriously as a married woman.
Maybe it was a legitimate reason or maybe just a veil under which CJ could hide from commitment. Either way, Simon grew more and more restless as the hours of the night passed him by. He wanted CJ to be his wife, but he wanted it mutual. And Simon knew he couldn't force a thing—he didn't need to frighten her, he needed to make her feel comfortable with the idea of giving in to hi. Simon wanted to see CJ vulnerable just once.
And even when she was explaining her fears to Simon, CJ hadn't seemed vulnerable or even really afraid. Her Press Secretary guard had gone up and she'd spoken to Simon as though he were one of her reporters. Her detachment was almost eerie, and while Simon understood that it was her way, he didn't think CJ could hold up her façade forever.
She offered him the ring back, but Simon insisted that she keep it and wear it, just as a reminder of his love. He told CJ that his proposal was always open, and that if she wanted to be married to him…Simon hadn't been able to finish the sentence for CJ's lips pressed against his, but CJ had seemed once again content.
They'd gone to bed, CJ smiling and relaxed, bringing with her a big bowl of grapes. At least she'd finally eaten something, Simon thought, relieved by her relief though not nearly so contented as CJ seemed.
***
As she readied herself for work, drying her hair and smoothing down her skirt, CJ watched Simon. He stood in her bedroom, looking larger and more powerful than usual, dressed in a jet-black suit. He was doing something with his gun, and as he settled it into the holster, CJ thought that Simon looked like something from a movie. It was a shame, she thought wistfully, that she couldn't be like something from a movie, too.
She was putting him through pain; Simon's new demeanor on Sunday, today, had told CJ the truth. His words were fewer and guarded, his eyes were shyer than usual and he seemed afraid to touch her. CJ wanted to overlook it all and pretend that she hadn't caused his step backwards, but her conscience was a constant reminder.
Clicking the light off in the bathroom, CJ tentatively headed back to her room. As she stepped into her heels, Simon silently slipped past CJ through the door, stopping only briefly to put a hand on her elbow. He hadn't allowed their eyes to meet, he hadn't said a word.
With a deep breath, CJ moved and looked into the mirror. Damn-it, she cried inwardly, what are you doing? She was going to lose him. CJ knew it intuitively, and even though she still wore the ring, Simon was fully aware of what it ceased to mean. He'd been kind and sweet, telling her that it was all right, but CJ had seen the hurt in his eyes; she'd seen the way he'd retreated into his mind. And now he'd hardly said two words to her; he'd hardly touched her this morning.
Picking up her red pencil, CJ began to carefully line her lips, forcing the great sob to stay inside her chest. Mechanically, she covered her mouth with the matching lipstick, and after darkening her eyes with black mascara CJ reached for her perfume. It was a beautiful, exotic heavy scent, unique in a crystal bottle; Simon had bought it for CJ during a weekend with the Vice President in France. She loved the scent and cherished it, knowing she couldn't easily get another bottle.
There was something wrong with her, CJ decided as she spritzed herself with perfume, if she was treating the man she loved this way. Maybe she'd simply have to do a thing she didn't want to do; maybe she'd have to get married. It wasn't that horrible, was it?
Instantly, rage shot through CJ's veins, reminding her that here faced her exactly what she wanted to avoid. No one had ever made CJ Cregg do something she didn't want to do; there was really no forcing anything upon this woman.
Too bad, CJ thought it over with increasing fervor, increasing attitude, if he doesn't want to be with me unmarried, he can go find someone else!
Those words used to be enough to calm CJ down, the strength in her mind and in her resolve had formerly solved any problem. But today, early in the morning, she knew that if Simon went and found someone else, she'd simply break down. And for that reason alone, shouldn't she marry this man?
Clenching the glass perfume bottle in her hand, CJ felt the blood pounding in her ears. Uncontrolled, enraged by her own indecision and complicated logic, she caught her reflection in the mirror. Awful self-pity followed by lightening flashes of anger charged through her arm; with a sudden blow of force and the loud clash of glass on glass, the dark French perfume splattered down the wall, dripping like the tears CJ held inside. *
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller
PAIRING: CJ/Simon
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: She knew that if Simon went and found someone else, she'd simply break down. And for that reason alone, shouldn't she marry this man?
SPOILERS: None
***
"Simon, I don't think we can get married."
He couldn't really comprehend why or what she'd meant by it, but as Simon reclined uncomfortably in bed, he was struck all over again by CJ's words. She was still here with him, yes, but in the aftermath of a very long conversation, Simon felt like he'd lost a piece of what they had.
CJ had a lot that she was afraid of and she'd even given him some good reasons, but Simon was having trouble grasping her concept—the idea that marriage would change their relationship, that it would change them as people. CJ was afraid to show vulnerability with a man, she was afraid to give in to anyone—and that much was true: CJ never really let Simon take care of her, physically or emotionally.
And though left unsaid, Simon thought that CJ wanted to remain legally single for professional reasons; There was a sense that CJ felt her image, her power and her dynamic with the press would change should she get married. It was ridiculous, Simon cried inside, to think that she'd be taken less seriously as a married woman.
Maybe it was a legitimate reason or maybe just a veil under which CJ could hide from commitment. Either way, Simon grew more and more restless as the hours of the night passed him by. He wanted CJ to be his wife, but he wanted it mutual. And Simon knew he couldn't force a thing—he didn't need to frighten her, he needed to make her feel comfortable with the idea of giving in to hi. Simon wanted to see CJ vulnerable just once.
And even when she was explaining her fears to Simon, CJ hadn't seemed vulnerable or even really afraid. Her Press Secretary guard had gone up and she'd spoken to Simon as though he were one of her reporters. Her detachment was almost eerie, and while Simon understood that it was her way, he didn't think CJ could hold up her façade forever.
She offered him the ring back, but Simon insisted that she keep it and wear it, just as a reminder of his love. He told CJ that his proposal was always open, and that if she wanted to be married to him…Simon hadn't been able to finish the sentence for CJ's lips pressed against his, but CJ had seemed once again content.
They'd gone to bed, CJ smiling and relaxed, bringing with her a big bowl of grapes. At least she'd finally eaten something, Simon thought, relieved by her relief though not nearly so contented as CJ seemed.
***
As she readied herself for work, drying her hair and smoothing down her skirt, CJ watched Simon. He stood in her bedroom, looking larger and more powerful than usual, dressed in a jet-black suit. He was doing something with his gun, and as he settled it into the holster, CJ thought that Simon looked like something from a movie. It was a shame, she thought wistfully, that she couldn't be like something from a movie, too.
She was putting him through pain; Simon's new demeanor on Sunday, today, had told CJ the truth. His words were fewer and guarded, his eyes were shyer than usual and he seemed afraid to touch her. CJ wanted to overlook it all and pretend that she hadn't caused his step backwards, but her conscience was a constant reminder.
Clicking the light off in the bathroom, CJ tentatively headed back to her room. As she stepped into her heels, Simon silently slipped past CJ through the door, stopping only briefly to put a hand on her elbow. He hadn't allowed their eyes to meet, he hadn't said a word.
With a deep breath, CJ moved and looked into the mirror. Damn-it, she cried inwardly, what are you doing? She was going to lose him. CJ knew it intuitively, and even though she still wore the ring, Simon was fully aware of what it ceased to mean. He'd been kind and sweet, telling her that it was all right, but CJ had seen the hurt in his eyes; she'd seen the way he'd retreated into his mind. And now he'd hardly said two words to her; he'd hardly touched her this morning.
Picking up her red pencil, CJ began to carefully line her lips, forcing the great sob to stay inside her chest. Mechanically, she covered her mouth with the matching lipstick, and after darkening her eyes with black mascara CJ reached for her perfume. It was a beautiful, exotic heavy scent, unique in a crystal bottle; Simon had bought it for CJ during a weekend with the Vice President in France. She loved the scent and cherished it, knowing she couldn't easily get another bottle.
There was something wrong with her, CJ decided as she spritzed herself with perfume, if she was treating the man she loved this way. Maybe she'd simply have to do a thing she didn't want to do; maybe she'd have to get married. It wasn't that horrible, was it?
Instantly, rage shot through CJ's veins, reminding her that here faced her exactly what she wanted to avoid. No one had ever made CJ Cregg do something she didn't want to do; there was really no forcing anything upon this woman.
Too bad, CJ thought it over with increasing fervor, increasing attitude, if he doesn't want to be with me unmarried, he can go find someone else!
Those words used to be enough to calm CJ down, the strength in her mind and in her resolve had formerly solved any problem. But today, early in the morning, she knew that if Simon went and found someone else, she'd simply break down. And for that reason alone, shouldn't she marry this man?
Clenching the glass perfume bottle in her hand, CJ felt the blood pounding in her ears. Uncontrolled, enraged by her own indecision and complicated logic, she caught her reflection in the mirror. Awful self-pity followed by lightening flashes of anger charged through her arm; with a sudden blow of force and the loud clash of glass on glass, the dark French perfume splattered down the wall, dripping like the tears CJ held inside. *
