1 TITLE: One in Ten Million: Chapter 9/9

AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller

PAIRING: CJ/Simon

RATING: R, language

SUMMARY: "I can't picture my life without you, CJ. Anything you want you can have. But you don't need to do something just to hang on to us."

SPOILERS: None

NOTE: I appreciate all the support and great reviews that have rolled in for this story: it's a great encouragement, and for all those who've asked, there will be a fourth series coming out sometime this summer :)

***

"What the fuck?" Simon muttered, thoroughly and utterly puzzled over CJ. What was she doing? Only three hours before that briefing, Simon had heard CJ tell him that she couldn't marry him. And now she had got on television and announced to a whole lot of people that she was engaged.

If this wasn't a mind game Simon didn't know what was—and while he felt the slightest glimmer of a thrill from CJ's words, Simon was wary about taking it as truth. CJ was indecisive, unsure, and afraid to commit; she was nervous, apprehensive…all of that could NOT have changed in the few hours between the moment in her bathroom and the press briefing.

He didn't want to be in a marriage based on pressure—and in Simon's mind CJ was now saying yes because of exactly that—a need to please him. She might be happy with this for a little while, but eventually the shit would hit the fan, and Simon knew he couldn't allow CJ to do that to herself; to them.

With a resigned sigh, and knowing that his over-due work would have to wait a little bit longer, Simon picked up the phone. "Carol, is she in?"

***

"CJ," Carol poked her head into the office where Toby was now holding court with CJ. "Simon on line 2."

"Just a minute, Toby." CJ smiled to herself, and as Toby sat down on the sofa, he saw just how high of a mood his old friend was in.

"CJ, what on earth are you doing?" Simon asked, heaviness in his voice, not even allowing CJ a chance to greet him.

Leaning back in her chair as Carol closed the door, CJ smiled. "You don't sound nearly so happy as I imagined you would," she teased.

"CJ, I'm not in the mood," Simon said tersely, working with his growing annoyance. He could hardly imagine that CJ was being serious in her acceptance of his proposal; Simon saw himself being yanked around.

"Aww, come on. Didn't you see the briefing?" CJ asked, her happiness still in tact, not quite ready to acknowledge Simon's apparent disaffection.

"Well, yes, but I'm not sure you said what you did for the right reasons."

"What?" CJ responded, her countenance falling straight. "I thought it over all morning and realized what I wanted."

"Did you?" Simon sighed sharply, "because this morning after your temper tantrum, you said something else."

"I finally figured out what I wanted!" CJ repeated with a narrowing brow, a rising tone. "Jesus, Simon, can't you just take this for what it is?" CJ cried, utterly unable to explain her choice revolution. And now he was questioning her; the tightening in CJ's chest worsened as her stomach sank.

"No, Claudia, because YOU don't even know what it is! You don't know what the hell you want from me!" Simon's voice rose as he brought his hand down on the desk. At the confused stares from other agents in the office, Simon sighed. "We can't do this right now…"

"No, we can't," CJ bit back, her tone spiced with sudden bitterness. "And don't call me Claudia, you son-of-a-bitch."

The click of the phone in Simon's ear echoed for quite some time. She'd never hung up on him before and now he was left alone with his apparent stupidity. Pondering over the situation, Simon wondered if he should have accepted CJ's answer as final, as what she truly wanted.

But no, something nagging tugged at Simon's sleeve, this was all so backwards. CJ's reality was fully against getting married. She had said it many dozen times over the weekend. Her mind would not have changed save for the wrong reasons. But what were the wrong reasons? Simon did not know, and as he attempted a return to work, the agent's head spun with frustration.

***

"Fuck off, Toby." CJ barked at her boss, staring him down, daring him to say a word. He instead snickered sympathetically, leaning forward carefully.

"CJ, this is what I've been saying to you all along."

"What? You weren't SAYING anything to me all along," CJ insisted weakly, resting her chin unhappily in her hands. At Toby's pointed expression, CJ sighed. "I know, I know…I know! I just…I just thought…"

"If you wanted to say yes to him, you should have said yes right away. He's probably really confused right now," Toby reasoned, recalling CJ's past experiences with this situation. After a moment of crisp silence, Toby cleared his throat. "What exactly happened?"

Rubbing her eyes, CJ shook her head slowly. "He asked me to marry him, and I took the ring…"

"This was Friday?" Toby interrupted, cocking his head at CJ.

"Yeah. It was kind of an unspoken acceptance. And it was fine, Toby, it was really fine!" Pausing with a sardonic grin, CJ shook her head. "Yeah, for about twelve hours it was fine…and then the same thing that always happens happened."

"You totally lost it," Toby stated, having seen CJ there before. This might have been humorous to Toby if not for the fact that Simon was truly in love with CJ. Not to mention the fact that she loved him with that same intensity—and yet CJ was treating him like an old skeleton.

Nodding, she breathed out heavily. "I went over the edge, Toby. I told him on Saturday night that we couldn't get married. He was upset on Sunday and this morning he hardly touched me…" CJ's expression became briefly pained, her eyes bleary as she stared into space. "I thought that he was going to…"

"CJ, Simon won't leave you," Toby insisted softly, feeling inside that it was true.

Biting her lip, CJ refocused her eyes on Toby. "Three times, Toby," CJ said quietly, raising her chin to make the point.

Standing up, Toby crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes burning into hers. "Yes, CJ, three other men left you when you turned down their proposals. Thank the Lord for that—and you know I'm right—but Simon is different. I don't think it's the end of the world for him…CJ, you don't need to marry him just to stay with him…" Toby exhaled, his expression flashing dangerously at CJ.

"How can I be this insecure?" CJ asked rhetorically, working hard to avoid her friend's eyes.

"If he truly loves you," Toby continued with some force, "he's not going to push you into something that you don't want."

"I think I do want it." CJ phrased it like a question, looking up at Toby wide eyed.

"That's not my answer, CJ." Toby walked backwards, a soft smile on his face as he sought the door. "And I don't think you're all that insecure."

***

It was nearing midnight and she didn't want to go home. Almost sure that Simon was there in her apartment, CJ found herself blowing a tank of gas, driving aimlessly away from him into Maryland.

At least the breeze was warm, CJ reasoned, and at least she'd had a CD system installed in the Mustang. Sure, it took away from the car's classic value, but having some of Hogan's angry hip-hop music blasting loudly was painfully comforting. Eminem, CJ snickered with the slightest bit of respect, had exactly no qualms about calling it like he saw.

CJ knew that she too was usually like that; what she'd done today was an attempt to be so bold as she craved, to be strong and decisive like she wanted. But marriage wasn't honestly in her and Simon had seen that. The sad twist now, CJ realized as the wind attacked her hair, was that she was starting to want that wedding and that commitment.

Flying seventy-five down the interstate, CJ felt more like a coward than she ever had before. Here she was, fleeing from confrontation and yet again leading Simon around by a chain. That wasn't fair to him; CJ was sure they would be over when she decided to turn the car around.

Simon would brand her wishy-washy and while CJ had hoped it would go unacknowledged, she had to admit that her manner was totally confusing. Simon probably felt that he couldn't trust her…He was likely totally fed up, totally let down…

CJ hardly heard her cell phone ringing over the string of expletives flying from the speakers, and turning it down with an embarrassed chuckle, she picked up. "CJ Cregg…"

"CJ, wherever you are, please come home." Simon's voice was calm, gentle, with no hint of the attitude CJ had encountered during the day.

"Simon…" CJ breathed, slowing her speed as she came up behind another car. Simon's level tone was more than welcome, and she let the sound of it absorb into her head. "Simon, I am so sorry about…."

"No, no, no. There's nothing to apologize for. Just come home to me…"

***

"Toby, really, I had no idea," Simon admitted after hanging up the phone in CJ's apartment. He turned to the shorter, balding man, thinking that Toby was a true lifesaver.

Raising his chin in a nodded agreement, Toby grinned slowly. "Hey, that's CJ for you. Keeps her mouth shut at all the wrong times, opens it when you want it closed."

"I appreciate you talking to me about this…It explains some of her reaction, at least…" Simon bit his lip, acutely aware that he was still in his uncomfortable work suit. The whole day had gone by in that restrained, unhappy state; Simon felt trapped and tangled in this confusion.

But Toby had shown up at the apartment, looking for CJ, worried because she'd left work upset. When he found his friend gone, Toby instead filled Simon in on CJ's past. There had been three proposals, all turned down…they hadn't stuck with CJ for long. Losing these men that she thought she loved had desperately closed CJ off, Toby said, and finding someone that she truly needed and wanted…well, that had completely twisted the usually well-put-together CJ into a knot.

"What are you going to do? If I can ask…" Toby pressed his lips together as he headed for the door. Simon cocked his head and stayed silent for a moment.

"Depends on how much time I've got. Where do you think she is?"

A smirk crossing his expression, Toby reached for the doorknob. "No closer than Baltimore. You've got a good forty minutes to decide."

"Thanks," Simon sighed. "We're only ever playing by her rules, and those are impossible to figure out."

As Toby pushed the door open, he turned back to the tall, handsome man. "She's worth it, Simon…"

***

CJ headed up to her apartment trying to muster up the resolve it would take—she was going to unequivocally prove to Simon that she wanted to get married. And as they day had worn on, CJ became convinced that it was the only way to keep him in her life. She loved Simon with everything in her, and she was absolutely NOT going to lose her man this time.

Slowly opening the door, CJ stepped into the dim apartment, seeing the soft light filtering out from the kitchen. Slowly she walked towards it, smiling subconsciously. Simon was here, and if they were meant to be together, he always would be.

"Simon?" CJ asked, seeing him leaned up against the island in the center of the kitchen. As he turned around, CJ admired Simon's whole person—his good looks, his physique, his beautiful, comforting smile, his sweet understanding of almost anything…How had she ever been afraid of this?

Wordlessly, Simon stepped forward to bury CJ in his arms; unwillingly, her eyes filled with tears at the desperation of the day. She should have been more careful with this man, she should have taken better care of their relationship…CJ's mind screamed loudly as Simon quietly rocked her back and forth, stroking her hair and holding her tightly.

After a long moment had gone by, Simon kissed the top of CJ's head and broke the silence. "I can't picture my life without you, CJ. Anything you want you can have. But you don't need to do something just to hang on to us."

Grasping tightly to Simon's t-shirted back, CJ bit her lip and looked up into Simon's warm eyes. "I want to hang on. Simon, I want to be your wife," CJ decided confidently, nodding seriously as a slow smile found her face.

Simon dipped his head down to capture CJ's lips in his; he kissed her slowly, treasuring the feel of her wet lips against his mouth. Sealing his lips against hers, Simon let the full weight of her words sink in. CJ was speaking to him truthfully and without any of the reservation Simon had expected.

Parting reluctantly for air, their lips still lingering together, Simon squeezed CJ's waist tightly. "You can tell me if that changes. I'm still going to love you the same."

Pressing her mouth back against Simon's with a new excitement, CJ's response was wordless. And in the shadows of the dim kitchen, CJ felt for the first time in her life that someone was here with her to stay. *