TOW The Anniversary
Chapter Two
Thanks for all of the reviews!! I really didn't think the first chapter was all that great, but…thanks anyway. =) So here's the second chapter. Most of it was written before the finale, but I tried to make it (mostly) fit with what happened – so if you haven't seen it, this contains minor, minor spoilers. And just for the record, I can't WAIT for C&M to have a baby (if they do), but I didn't want any kids involved in this story – that just makes it worse. So, I hope you enjoy. Sorry if some of Chandler's part is a bit drawn out, but I tried to make their problems seem realistic…whether I accomplished that or not, I don't know. Okay, enough talk.
Chandler downed the last of his beer and glanced at the clock on the wall. Their anniversary was long over and for the first time in his relationship with Monica, he had the foreboding sense that they might never have another one. He dreaded the confrontation that was sure to come, but it had to happen. Together or apart, he had to know. He couldn't keep going like this...she would have to make a decision. By now, she would have read the card, and she knew how he felt. It was all up to her now.
He motioned to the bartender to bring him one more, vowing to himself that when the glass was empty, he would go. Maybe not home yet, but somewhere else. He wasn't going to risk sitting here all night, drinking too much, and doing something he would regret. His record with women and alcohol was not great - the party when he hooked up with Joey's sister and that ill-fated Valentine's Day when Joey's date set him up with Janice and they ended up in bed were prime examples. There was no way he was going to mix too much alcohol with the fate of his marriage.
He took a sip of the fresh, cold drink sitting in front of him and sighed deeply, fighting the tears away again.
He couldn't believe it had come to this.
He kept seeing Monica's face, and the look of pure shock that had crossed it when she realized what today was supposed to be. He wasn't sure if knowing that she had really forgotten - not just "intentionally" forgotten to make him mad – made him feel better or worse. He just knew that it hurt.
He knew he wouldn't have even cared that she had forgotten if their relationship was like it should be. God knows she had forgiven him for many things much worse than forgetting their anniversary over the years. He would have just been happy that his surprise was that much more surprising – and besides, when Monica forgot important things, it usually led to great meals and lots of sex.
But things weren't right. And he couldn't help thinking the whole thing was symbolic. He couldn't really explain why it was so important, but it was. The moment he realized she had not even given a thought to their anniversary was the first time he had really believed that their marriage might not be fixable.
Chandler pushed the drink away from him and stood up, digging in his pocket for the bills to cover his tab. All of the sudden, he heard Richard Burke's voice, clear as day.
"Go get her, Chandler. And if you do get her…don't ever let her go."
He almost looked around to see if Richard was standing behind him, but he knew the voice was only in his head. Just a reminder from his heart that Monica was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Richard had told him that as if he didn't know. He hadn't needed to hear it then anymore than he did now. He knew what he had; he knew just how special Monica was. And he had never had any intention of letting her get away. That was the difference between him and the men in her past.
He didn't have to lose her to know how much he loved her. But he wasn't going to try to make her stay in the marriage if it wasn't what she wanted. He loved her too much to force her to stay. He would live the rest of his life with a broken heart rather than make her unhappy for another minute.
He turned his steps toward home, wondering what he would find when he got there. It didn't really matter. All he could do now was tell her how much he loved her and wanted her to stay… and hope his love was enough to make her want to.
Chandler stopped outside the door to his apartment, staring at the "20" that hung on the door as if it could give him all the answers. He wasn't ready for this. He knew he wasn't. He almost turned around and walked back down the stairs, but he couldn't. He turned the knob slowly, feeling a moment of worry when he realized his wife had been alone in the apartment for hours with the door unlocked. He should have called Joey, just so he could make sure she was okay.
He walked in quietly, feeling a little disappointed when Monica didn't appear immediately to throw herself into his arms. He glanced around the kitchen, noting that the uneaten dinner was still on the table. He didn't even give it a second glance. There were much more important things to worry about then cleaning up – though he was surprised Monica had allowed it to sit there.
There was no sign of her in the living room, so Chandler headed for their bedroom, pausing before he opened the door. He hoped the silence indicated that she was already asleep. Anything to save his heart for one more night.
He pushed the door open slowly, and immediately had to swallow hard to keep the lump in his throat from choking him. She was lying on the bed – yes, asleep – facing the door with her dark hair fanned out on the pillow, her cheeks stained with tears and her eyes red and puffy. She was clutching the card he had left for her, and the roses and bracelet were lying forgotten at the foot of the bed.
He stared at her for several minutes before he took the few steps to the side of the bed and knelt down beside her. He brushed a few strands of hair away from her eyes with his hand, then let one finger lightly trace her cheek, careful not to wake her up. He had always loved to watch her sleep.
He lost track of time as he knelt beside her, watching her. He longed to crawl into the bed and wrap his arms around her and stay right there for the next fifty years. Instead, he remained where he was, one thing running through his head over and over. God, I love you. He finally sighed, reached for her hand and carefully removed the card from her grasp, sitting it up on the table beside her lamp. He grabbed the pen and pad of paper that Monica kept next to the lamp "just in case" and wrote a quick note, placing it on his empty pillow and hoping she would at least roll over to see if he was there the next morning. Then he reached for her hand again and rested his cheek against it for a moment before kissing her finger just below her wedding band.
Without a word, he stood up, leaning over to smooth her hair away from her face again and place a gentle kiss on her forehead. He realized with a start that he had not kissed her lips in weeks.
Weeks.
With another long look back at her, he closed the bedroom door quietly behind him, hoping she would sleep until morning. He glanced around the living room one last time to make sure all of the candles were out, then he headed for the door.
Joey was sitting in his recliner when Chandler walked in, staring blindly at the t.v. screen with a slice of pizza in one hand. Chandler watched him for a minute, trying to decide if he was awake or asleep. He shook his head and slammed the door, making Joey jump out of the chair - holding the pizza in front of him as a weapon. Chandler couldn't help but laugh at him in spite of the fact that his life was falling apart. Joey would always be Joey.
"Chandler, what the hell are you doing scaring me like that? It's four in the morning! Why are you even awake?"
Chandler raised his eyebrows, and glanced pointedly at Joey's pizza.
"Take it easy, Joe. Now, put the pizza down – slowly."
Joey glared at him and dropped the pizza into the near-empty box as he collapsed back into his chair. He turned his head toward the t.v. as Chandler sat down in the chair next to him, pouting for a moment until his curiosity got the best of him.
"You look like hell, man. What's up?"
Chandler sighed and leaned back in the chair.
"You up for an all-nighter, Joey?"
Joey's worried expression deepened as he wiped his hands on a paper napkin and sat forward, elbows on his knees.
"Another job transfer?" In spite of his effort at nonchalance, Chandler could tell that the thought didn't appeal to Joey at all.
"No, no transfer. Worse."
"Worse? What's worse than moving across the country?" In a moment of insight, Joey nodded knowingly. "Monica, huh?"
Chandler bit his lip, giving Joey all the answer he needed.
"You guys had a fight?"
"Something like that." He suddenly wished they hadn't tried to hide their problems from their friends. They had agreed without discussing it that in front of anyone else, they would still be the perfect couple – madly in love and sickeningly happy.
As far as Joey knew, everything was fine. "The Bings" were good actors.
"So, what did you fight about? Whatever it was, it won't last long. You two can never stay mad at each other. It's really kind of pathetic how terrible you two are at the fighting thing."
Joey regretted his words immediately when Chandler's eyes welled up with tears and he started to sob quietly.
"Joey…I think…I think it might be over."
Joey's face showed surprise, before he adopted a sympathetic smile and leaned over to pat Chandler on the shoulder.
"I'm sorry, man. But look, the honeymoon couldn't last forever. And hey, if you're lucky you'll still get it three or four times a week."
Chandler looked up at him, his exasperation at Joey bordering on anger.
"Joey, I'm not talking about sex!" Little did Joey know, the "honeymoon" had been over for a long time. "I'm talking…I'm talking about our marriage. I think Monica wants a divorce." Did saying it out loud mean it was really true?
"DIVORCE!" Joey hesitated only a split second to let the word sink in before he leapt out of his chair and pointed one finger accusingly at Chandler. "Are you crazy? You and Monica are not getting a divorce. I won't allow it!"
"If I can't stop it, I don't know what you can do," Chandler stated despondently.
"I can do plenty. I was the minister that married you."
Chandler raised one eyebrow and shrugged. "So?"
"So?! So, I'll…well, I can…okay, you have a point. But you guys can't get divorced." Joey was whining now, but Chandler found it strangely comforting. It made the whole thing seem a little less devastating.
Chandler closed his eyes and sighed. "Joey, I don't want to get divorced. I – I love her. So much. I don't even know if I can survive without her."
"So don't get divorced. Fix it, Chandler. This is you and Monica." Joey waved his arms around, his voice deepening dramatically. "You don't get divorced over one little fight." He stopped as his gaze fell on Chandler's tortured face. "It's not just one little fight, is it?"
Chandler shook his head slowly and buried his face in his hands.
"No, it's a lot more than one little fight."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"We didn't tell anyone. I guess…I guess we were just trying to keep from admitting it to ourselves."
"So…what happened?"
"I…I'm not sure I know. It's like Monica and I forgot to…talk. And it just got out of control."
"But you guys were always so happy."
"Yeah…we were. But it didn't just happen all of the sudden. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I think we started going downhill almost as soon as we got married."
"But that was five years ago."
"Yeah, but think about it, Joey. How much time did Monica and I have to be newlyweds? We didn't even have our wedding day to ourselves. First I thought Monica was pregnant, then we spent the next few hours trying to figure out who was pregnant…and then there was "who's the father" and "Rachel's gonna be a mom"… By the time we left for the honeymoon, our wedding was old news. So we acted accordingly. Instead of spending more time together and just…being in love like we should have been, we got pulled in the Ross and Rachel saga and… baby showers and…you falling in love with Rachel…" Chandler paused, still not sure how Joey would react to that reminder. (AN: I am desperate for Joey and Rachel to get together, but if they had in this story, then Rachel and Emma would be living with Joey, and it just doesn't work. So excuse the lapse…) When it didn't seem to faze him, Chandler went on, his voice shaking with frustration. "I mean, come on. We spent our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife watching a birthing video with Rachel. We couldn't touch each other for a week!"
"But, Chandler-"
"But it was okay, because we were still madly, completely in love. And we were happy. Really happy." Chandler continued as if Joey hadn't spoken. "And then Emma was born. And it was great, and she's wonderful and we love her…but it changed everything. I knew Monica wanted a baby, and I knew I wanted one, too, and the timing was good… so we decided to start trying. God, Joey…when I married Monica, I really thought that my love for her was as complete as love could ever be. But I was wrong. That moment when she looked at me and smiled and asked me if we were trying…it changed my life. It made me love her in a completely different way. And everything was great for a while. We'd stay awake all night talking about baby names - since Rachel took Emma - and how we would decorate the spare room… We were dreaming and planning our future… I can honestly say I've never been happier than I was for those few months. Everything just seemed right."
"So what happened? What changed your mind about a baby?"
"Nothing. But when it didn't happen after a couple of months…well, Monica started panicking. I did, too, I guess. We had never questioned the fact that we could have as many kids as we wanted to, and we both just assumed it would happen as soon as we decided we wanted it to. I think we both got scared that it might not be that easy, so we went into full-fledged baby mode. Sex quit being about love and intimacy – it was all about a baby. Monica spent every waking moment that we weren't having sex with Rachel and Emma, and I actually started working. I think that's when we stopped talking like we used to. We just didn't seem to have time."
Joey stared at him, unable to believe what he was hearing. This had to be some elaborate joke. But he really didn't think Chandler would joke about his relationship with Monica. At least not to this extent.
"Are you telling me this has been going on for years?"
Chandler sat there, staring in front of him, and shook his head slowly.
"No. When her father had his heart attack, Monica and I had a long talk and we agreed that it wasn't a good time for a baby. She wanted to help take care of Jack, and we thought the family had had enough life-changing for the time being. We even talked about how much stress we'd both been under with the whole baby thing and decided that we would just quit "trying" for a while and try to let things happen naturally. And it worked. Our relationship slowly got back to normal…and we talked about the things that were bothering us instead of being afraid that it would hurt the other. It felt like it used to again, and even though we both still wanted a baby, our relationship was back on track."
"But…?" Joey questioned, anxious to get to the part of the story where Chandler told him what was wrong now.
"But…" Chandler sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Last year, I was offered the job in Jacksonville."
"But you didn't take it. How could that cause problems?"
"Because that was the beginning of the end. The first really big fight."
"You told me you didn't even want to take the job."
"I didn't."
Joey scrunched up his face, confused again. "So what's the problem? Monica made it pretty clear she didn't want to move either, so everything worked out."
"That was the problem. When I told her about it…well, Monica's never been one to hide how she feels. She just kind of stared at me for a minute and shook her head and told me we weren't going. And…I don't know, I guess it made me mad that she didn't even want to consider it. She didn't ask me what I thought or how I felt about it. She just decided for both of us. So I asked her what she would do if I went without her."
"What did she say?"
Chandler shook his head. "Nothing. She just stared at me – I've never seen Monica so mad – and then she had the nerve to accuse me of wanting to move so I could put off a baby even longer."
"But you didn't – "
"She didn't give me the chance to tell her I didn't want to take it. She just said what she said and then stalked into the bedroom. I slept on the couch for two weeks."
"But you made up, right? You both seemed fine when you told the rest of us that you weren't going."
"That's the thing. We never really made up. I told her I'd never wanted to go anyway, and she admitted she should have been more understanding and heard me out. But we never apologized to each other – we never even talked about the things we had said, or even about the decision not to go. We just tried to pretend nothing had happened – I guess we both thought that with the decision made, there was no reason to discuss it. But things never went back to normal after that. For a while, we kind of bickered, nothing major. I didn't think that much about it – we've always done that, you know? But then after a while, it stopped being sarcastic comments that left us laughing like it used to. I kept thinking about her accusing me of not really wanting a baby. I felt like she didn't trust me, and I guess she was wondering if I would threaten to leave her again. Maybe she thought I didn't trust her either. All the little squabbles started to feel like one big fight. And then that's what it became. Every conversation became an argument. If one of us came home late, a simple "Where were you?" turned into a screaming match. If I didn't clean up the kitchen after I made toast in the morning, Monica would be slamming pots and pans around for three days."
Chandler paused and cleared his throat to try to keep his voice from breaking. He couldn't believe he was spilling all of this out to Joey, but it made him feel a little better. Still, he felt strangely detached from the words he was saying, and that was the only thing that kept him sane. He had repeated the words over and over to himself - trying to find some rationale for what had happened – and by now he was just reciting the monologue he had written on countless nights spent lying awake in his bed, staring at Monica and not daring to even put his arms around her.
"It…just kind of snowballed. 'I'm sorry' disappeared from our vocabulary. So did 'I love you'. Eventually, we stopped talking to avoid arguments. We both started working later and later…instead of running home to see each other every day after work, we started competing to see who could stay out later. I started hanging out here, Monica started watching Emma most of the time, and in a way, I think that just made it worse because it reminded both of us of the baby we didn't have, the threats and accusations we had started making on a daily basis, and just what our marriage had become. She used to be my best friend, Joey. I told her everything. Nothing in my life was a secret from her. And now…we've been avoiding each other like the plague. Day-to-day conversations were reserved for when we were with you guys and were pretending… I haven't kissed her in weeks. And I haven't told her I loved her – to her face, at least – in even longer than that. Our whole marriage just fell apart. I'm miserable, she's miserable…and even though I love her with all my heart and I will do anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with her, I'm starting to think she would be better off without me."
Joey sat in silence, absolutely stunned. How this could have been happening without the rest of the group noticing was beyond his comprehension. The look on Chandler's face told Joey how devastated he was. He honestly thought Monica wanted a divorce. Of course, Joey had no idea how Monica felt, but he just couldn't imagine the two of them apart.
They were Chandler and Monica. The definition of destiny.
Joey snapped back to attention when Chandler sighed, his voice finally breaking when he spoke.
"She – she forgot our anniversary."
"Monica? Are you sure? Maybe she just didn't want to celebrate."
"No, she forgot. And under any other circumstances, I couldn't have cared less. But, Joey, it was like the final nail in the coffin. I lit candles and bought her roses…I wanted tonight to be special. I wanted to tell her how much I love her and want to be with her, and try to start over, I guess. And instead, she got mad – I'm not really sure why – and asked me why I thought tonight would change anything…Why tonight was special. So I wished her a happy anniversary, told her that the five years we've been married have been the greatest of my life, and walked out."
"Chandler…"
"I know it probably wasn't the best idea, Joey, but it's what I did."
"Go home, Chandler. Talk to her, work it out. Monica loves you. She's probably hurting as much as you are."
"I hope she's not. I'd hate to know that I was causing her any pain."
"But you won't know what she wants until you talk to her."
"I know. But she was asleep when I came home, and I…as much as this is killing me, I'd rather have just a few more hours of hoping…that maybe, just maybe, it's not all over."
"Chandler," Joey began, his voice unusually firm. "Go across the hall right now – wake her up if you have to – and tell her how you feel. Tell her how much you love her, and how much it's hurting you to watch your relationship fall apart. Tell her everything you just told me – what you think happened – and ask her what she thinks about it. Just hold her. I don't know what you need to do, but you have to fix this. This is your life we're talking about."
"Don't you think I know that!" Chandler stood up and turned his back to Joey, wiping his hand across his face in utter despair. "I know that if she leaves me, I will never be the same again. I know that the whole world will be…gray…and cold. Wherever she is, she'll have my heart for the rest of my life. It won't matter if we celebrate a fifty-year anniversary or if the dream I let myself believe in all dissolves tonight…I'll love her for the rest of my life."
"Chandler, don't tell me. Tell Monica. Go. Tell her now. She might be thinking that you're the one that wants out. Can you stand for her to think that for another minute?"
"No…no, I don't want her to think that."
"She's right across the hall."
Chandler turned to look at the door, and Joey watched as he took a deep breath and nodded. Without another word, he walked into the hallway, then turned to look back at Joey before he opened the door to his apartment.
Joey smiled encouragingly and nodded.
He had never seen Chandler look so scared in his life.
Ummm…okay. Next chapter's coming…can't promise when, but I'll try. =)
