TOW The Anniversary (Chapter 3)
I really intended to post this last weekend…but I was stuck. Hopelessly. So, I apologize for the delay, but it's finally written. I'm sure it's not as great as some of you were hoping, but it'll have to do. This is what came out when I started typing. =) Oh, yeah, and the song at the beginning just seemed to fit, so I included it. It's by Westlife.
Another day
Without your smile
Another day just passes by
But now I know
How much it means
For you to stay
Right here with me
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
A thousand miles between us now
It causes me to wonder how
Our love tonight remains so strong
It makes our risk right all along
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
Things can come and go I know but
Baby I believe
Something's burning strong between us
Makes it clear to me
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing everything you do
I wanna grow old with you
Chandler entered as quietly as he could, not sure if she was still asleep or not. He didn't have to wonder long. When he shut the door and turned back around, she was standing in the doorway to their bedroom, her eyes seeking his. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as they stood there staring at each other, all of the rehearsed speeches forgotten in the moment of truth.
Just as the silence was becoming unbearable for both of them, Monica lowered her eyes and turned slightly away from him hugging herself with her arms.
"I'm sorry, Chandler. I really just…I just forgot. I didn't do it on purpose."
Chandler sighed deeply and nodded. At least she was talking.
"I know you didn't do it on purpose, Monica. I'm not mad anymore. I just…I think we need to talk. About a lot more than just tonight."
Monica nodded slightly – just once. Of course there was more to talk about. And they both knew that they couldn't avoid it any longer. They had reached the breaking point.
"What did you tell Joey?" she asked him quietly, hoping her voice didn't tell him how hurt she had been when she woke up to discover he had come home just long enough to leave her a note saying he was going to Joey's.
"Everything," Chandler responded reluctantly, wishing now that he hadn't left the note. It might be easier if she didn't know he had confided in their friend. And it was a cruel reminder that if their marriage ended tonight, the other four would have to go through the process of choosing sides, arranging schedules, trying to be there for both of them…it had been bad enough with Ross and Rachel. He could only imagine what a divorce – a real one, not a Vegas quickie – would do to their friends.
Monica nodded simply, not surprised. She had been wondering how long it would be before Chandler broke down and talked to Joey. She had wanted to pour everything out to Rachel and Phoebe for weeks. Monica knew Joey had probably been devastated to hear how bad things had gotten. In spite of his womanizing ways, deep down Joey was the most romantic of all of them. Maybe it was his naivety…but he still believed in happily ever after.
"What did he say?"
Chandler ran his hands through his hair nervously and then let his arms hang helplessly in the air for half a second before he dropped them back to his side.
"He…He told me to come home and tell you how I felt."
Monica felt herself shiver. She moved a couple of steps toward him, then took a deep breath and asked the obvious question without giving herself time to be afraid of the answer.
"How do you feel?"
Her eyes were glued to his face, knowing that his answer could very well change everything. He fleetingly wondered what she might be thinking – what she was hoping he would say. Pushing the thought away, he shifted his weight and glanced down at the floor for courage. He was going to put everything out there, and she had to decide whether to break his heart or heal it.
"I feel…I feel frustrated…and sad…and I feel like I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel my heart breaking every day, and I have no idea how to stop it from happening. I feel like I've failed at the only thing I ever really cared about succeeding at. I feel like I'm hurting you just by being in your life. And I feel like maybe you would be happier if I wasn't here." Monica's face had paled several shades, and she looked like she was going to pass out. Chandler took several steps toward her – primarily to be close enough to catch her if she did. Her obvious distress gave him the strength to continue, his voice almost a whisper. "But I'm in love with my wife. And I know that I will do anything to make you happy."
Chandler was close enough now to touch her, and he reached out a hand to gently brush a tear from her cheek as she stared at him silently, then let his hand drop back to his side.
"I'll even leave if you ask me to, Monica," he whispered, his voice breaking. "I'm not going to pretend it wouldn't kill me to do it, but I will if…" He paused and sighed deeply, stuffing his hands in his pockets as if the gesture might help protect him from her answer, his eyes begging her for the right one. "Is…is that what you want?"
Monica's shoulders were shaking with silent sobs, but her eyes didn't leave his face. He waited for the heartbreaking nod he had already resigned himself to receiving, but it didn't come. Instead, she touched his shoulder with one hand and shook her head slowly – emphatically – back and forth, a sad smile barely touching her features.
"No. That's not what I want."
She saw deep relief – accompanied with a tiny smile of hope – flash across his face, but he quickly grew serious again.
"You don't want a divorce?" he queried, needing clarification, still certain that he had just misinterpreted her words.
"I don't want a divorce." Monica confirmed, then took a deep breath before she asked the question herself, needing to hear him say it even though his answer was already obvious. "Do you?"
Chandler shook his head, managing a quiet "No." – wondering why she had to ask and feeling like he might collapse at any moment. He reached behind him, feeling for the couch so he would know he had something solid to support him if he did.
She didn't want a divorce.
"Then what do you want?" he asked her gently as he leaned against the arm of the couch, praying that it was something he could give her. He hoped she wasn't about to suggest an open marriage or some other equally ludicrous way of "divorcing" without the actual papers. He knew the very thought of Monica doing that was ridiculous and he almost laughed out loud. But the tender, serious look on her face quickly erased the thought, and he concentrated on her blue eyes as he waited for her to speak.
"I want my husband back," Monica whispered, finally feeling courageous enough to close the distance between them and reach out to take his hands in hers. "I want us to be happy again. I want to grow old together and be together for the rest of our lives, just like I promised."
Chandler drew a shaky breath – glad he was already sitting on the arm of the couch - and squeezed her hands, then pulled her gently into his arms.
"Me too," he whispered as he buried his face in her hair as her tears started to fall, trying to hold in his own sobs but not succeeding. He could not describe the relief that swept over him when she said those words, and he was content to just hold her for now. Later, questions would have to be asked, and thought given to all that had happened between them. They couldn't just ignore it. But he knew that right now there was no way he was going to let her out of his arms any time soon.
After a few moments, he felt Monica shift in his arms, and she pulled back just enough to look at him seriously.
"Did you really think I wanted a divorce?"
Chandler nodded slowly, keeping his arms securely around her waist.
"I was scared to death."
"But you would have given me one?"
Chandler hesitated, then pulled her back toward him.
"Yes, I would have. It would've been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I would have."
Monica placed her head back on his chest, contemplating this. They were both silent for a few minutes, just holding each other.
"I was so worried when you left, Chandler," Monica murmured, her words muffled against his chest. "I didn't know what to do. And when I read your card…It was so sweet and wonderful, and I was absolutely positive I had just convinced you that you shouldn't have written any of it."
"I meant every word," Chandler assured her gently, stroking her hair with one hand.
"I'm so sorry. For everything."
"I know, sweetie. I'm sorry, too."
Sweetie. Monica smiled against his chest, realizing for the first time how long it had been since they had used any of their familiar terms of affection. She lifted her head to look at him, gently running her hand through his hair as she smiled at him.
"I love you." She couldn't remember how long it had been since she had said those words out loud. She could feel a burden lifting from her heart the moment she said the words. It had been too long.
No one could have missed the way Chandler's eyes lit up. He gave her a full, sincere smile, and leaned forward to kiss her gently on the lips.
"I love you too." He sighed and tightened his arms around her. "I don't ever want to relive this night. Not ever. It was horrible. That night at the bar with Doug was nothing. Tonight I really thought I might have to live the rest of my life without you."
"I know. It's a terrifying thought, isn't it?"
"Mmm hmmm. Let's not ever think it again."
"Deal." Monica stroked Chandler's cheek, smiling when he smiled at her. "Happy Anniversary, sweetheart. I'm sorry I'm a little late."
"Better late than never," Chandler told her, and Monica swallowed hard as she nodded. Chandler kissed her forehead, then her lips. "Happy Anniversary, Mon."
One more chapter to go – sort of an epilogue, I guess. I always seem to have one of those. The reconciliation may have been a little too easy – I don't know, I've never been married, so I've certainly never been close to a divorce. I did try to make it seem realistic, but again, this is what came out. =) Hope everyone had a WONDERFUL Memorial Day weekend! (And now, I'm off to the lake…yippee!!)
