JTHM: I am Jack's Homicidal Tendencies
Chapter 3
"Now here's what I'm thinkin'" Nny said, standing in front of Tyler Durden on his front porch at 7 in the morning. "Cut out the silver spandex uniforms, give the guys materials in the form of knives and other crude weapons of destruction, and watch them plunge the earth into a barren wasteland for our own amusement. Good plan eh?"
"How many times am I going to have to tell you that that plan is not what I'm about Johnny?" Tyler lit up a cigarette and breathed in deep, smoke filling his lungs. "Its about the liberation of men."
"Come on Tyler it would be fun!" Nny said, wearing completely black as per Tyler's request.
"Tyler's not here." Johnny looked at Tyler strangely as Durden busted a gut and fell to the ground laughing. "Sorry inside joke. Now, GET OFF MY FRONT PORCH!"
Durden slammed the door in front of Nny's face, almost clipping his nose off at the edge. Johnny looked at the door with astonishment for about three seconds, shrugged his shoulders, and began to walk away.
"Wait a minute!" Durden flung open the door, yelling to Nny.
"What? I'm leaving your porch like you told me to. The club meeting same time next week?"
"No....No you idiot. Listen this is a test."
"What is?"
"This."
Nny looked around confused, scratching his head.
"This?"
"THIS!" Durden pointed at the ground with both fingers, trying to make Nny understand.
"OOOOHHHHHH.....I don't get it." Durden slapped his forehead at Nny's response.
"All right, look, me kicking you off the porch is a test to see if you have the commitment to get into Project Mayhem. Get it?"
"I'm not following you."
"LISTEN! You get here on the porch..."
"Right."
"THEN, you stand here for three solid days with no food, water, or sleep."
"OH NO!" Nny said slapping both his hands to his cheeks. "NOT THREE WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT BASIC NECESSITIES! WHATEVER SHALL I DO? Come on, you should know I can do that standing on my head for at least a month."
"You're missing the point here my friend." Durden said, dropping his finished cigarette on the ground and stamping it out with his slipper.
"The point of THIS test? And what would that be pray tell?"
"It is only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." Durden said smuggly, as if awaiting to win the noble prize.
"Thats it?" Nny raised an eyebrow and tapped his foot. "Oh yeah cause I have so much in my life as it is! What with the 401K plan and the white picket fence. Mustn't forget the wife and kids! Wait a minute, I HAVE NONE OF THOSE!"
"......." Durden rolled his eyes.
"Now if you'll excuse me." Nny pushed Durden to the side of the doorway entrance and walked into the delapidated house. "I have a hankering for some happy ham."
"God save us all." Durden closed the door behind the homicidal maniac and walked back into the house.
One week later.....
"YOU GET OFF MY PORCH! YOU'RE TOO FUCKING OLD!" Durden said to one of the recruits standing on his porch, holding his position fast. He then hit the recruit in the legs with a broom but to no avail, the recruit did not flinch. "I'M CALLING THE COPS! HEAR THAT? BET YOU'LL LIKE PRISON WHERE THEY PASS YOU AROUND LIKE A BLOW UP DOLL! NOW GET OUTTA HERE!"
The door slammed hard in front of the applicant's face, but once again, he did not flinch. Tyler walked to the kitchen in his familiar, moth ridden bathrobe and yawned. He walked over to the freshly made pot of coffee and poured it into a small coffee mug. He cracked his neck from side to side and smiled at the prospect of new recruits to his cause. Gulping down the coffee greedily, he decided to give the rookie recruits another lesson for kicks. He was in need of a few more good chuckles. He walked over to the door, swung it open with broom in hand and yelled out.
"I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T GET......WHAT THE HELL?" Tyler looked down to see the corpse of the latest recruit, an umbrella buried in his back. Attached to the umbrella was Nny's hand which had obviously done the job of putting the newest recruit in his grave.
"Hey Tyler how's it going?" Nny said non-chalantly.
"How's it going?" Durden said boiling with anger. "HOW'S IT GOING??? DAMMIT JOHNNY THAT'S THE THIRD RECRUIT THIS WEEK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THIS PROJECT OFF THE GROUND IF YOU KILL EVERY APPLICANT?"
"What can I tell you, he made fun of my sexy ways." Nny struck a disco pose.
"First off thats just wrong. Second, he's not allowed to talk."
"Well..." Nny said trying to cover his own ass. "He was using his brainy to think it I bet."
Tyler sighed.
"Would you mind joining me in the kitchen for a second Johnny?" Nny nodded to Durden's request and walked right behind his new friend, still covered in his latest victims blood. "Put your hand on the table."
"All righty." Nny said, placing his hand on the kitchen table. "What is this about? Another test maybe?"
"No." Durden said picking up a large gallon filled with a liquid foreign to the homicidal maniac. "This is a chemical agent."
"Huh...AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Nny cried out as Durden poured the burning corosive acid on Nny's hand and held it in place. Nny thrashed about violently as he continued screaming but to no avail.
"This will hurt more than anything you have ever experienced. It will leave a scar. However from this you will take away something great."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Listen. You can either get water and make it worse or you can..." Durden was interrupted by the large knife stabbing through his own hand courtesy of Nny. "AAAAAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Both men screamed frantically as Nny searched for something to stop the burning and Tyler tried to pull out the knife which was plunged not only deep into his hand, but also through the table. For the next five minutes both men continued crying out in pain at the top of their lungs, trying their best to make the pain stop. As if on cue, both men accomplished what they wanted to do, with Nny stopping the burning using the required chemical solution and Durden ripping the knife out of his hand.
"Johnny?" Durden said after holding his hand and breathing heavy for a good ten minutes.
"Yeah Tyler?" Johnny said having done the same thing.
"You're an asshole."
Later that night.....
"So why are we here again?" Johnny asked Tyler as they sat outside the Lyposuction facility. Both Tyler and Johnny's hands were bandaged up and both had had a good laugh about the whole ordeal in general, that is of course after a large time of cursing exchanged between the two.
"To make soap." Durden said, hopping over the fence to get to the waste depository. He pulled out a bag of fatty tissue from the bin as Johnny sprawled over the fence.
"And to do this we need human flesh, hence the bags filled with all the flesh from liposuctions."
"Is that all we need?" Johnny said, hopping over the fence, leaving Durden to his own devices.
"Wait! Where are you...? Aw forget it." Durden continued his task, throwing bag after bag of liquid fat over the fence. After getting a sufficient amount, he leaped over the fence only to see Nny standing near the bags with a sinister smirk on his face.
"Where did you go? Why didn't you help me with these?"
"Well..." Nny said stepping to the side, revealing four dead bodies behind him. "I was able to kill three homeless guys and a clown while you were busy with that liposuction crap. Now I have a cheese grater in my back pocket so just start hacking away and we'll have enough soap to last us through the....Tyler?"
Johnny looked over to his side, having lost sight of his new friend, and now saw him puking into a nearby sewer. After a solid minute of hurling the contents of his stomach into the dirty sewer, Durden sprung to his feet and wiped his mouth off.
"Honestly Johnny, not when I've eaten." Durden smiled and picked up the bags of fat and walked away from the homicidal maniac.
"Hmph. Swear nobody respects the cheese grater anymore." Nny then skipped happily behind Tyler.
The next morning......
Johnny was sitting on his bed, thinking about all the things that had happened in the past weeks and reflecting on his new friend Tyler. Having, of course, gotten no sleep the night before, his eyes were bulging out of his head. He scratched his chin and resisted the temptation of the horrible thing we like to call sleep. Seeing as how it was so early in the morning, Nny was the only one of the two in the house to hear the knock at the door. He rose from his bed in a fit.
"I swear if it's another one of those applicants for project whatever, I'll just....well you know." Nny grabbed a knife out of his pocket and held it behind his back. He walked down the stairs and edged toward the door. His boney hand twisted the door knob and flung the door open wide.
"Hi." And there she was. She was wearing a black funeral dress with black mascera and black lipstick. Her hair was a mess and her body reeked of cigarrettes and valium. She looked like a corpse that had managed to dig its way out of its own grave and walk amongst the living once more. "I'm Marla."
"......Heeelllloooooo." Johnny's knife dropped to the ground behind his back as a lovesick puppy dog grin came across his face.
End Chapter 3
Chapter 3
"Now here's what I'm thinkin'" Nny said, standing in front of Tyler Durden on his front porch at 7 in the morning. "Cut out the silver spandex uniforms, give the guys materials in the form of knives and other crude weapons of destruction, and watch them plunge the earth into a barren wasteland for our own amusement. Good plan eh?"
"How many times am I going to have to tell you that that plan is not what I'm about Johnny?" Tyler lit up a cigarette and breathed in deep, smoke filling his lungs. "Its about the liberation of men."
"Come on Tyler it would be fun!" Nny said, wearing completely black as per Tyler's request.
"Tyler's not here." Johnny looked at Tyler strangely as Durden busted a gut and fell to the ground laughing. "Sorry inside joke. Now, GET OFF MY FRONT PORCH!"
Durden slammed the door in front of Nny's face, almost clipping his nose off at the edge. Johnny looked at the door with astonishment for about three seconds, shrugged his shoulders, and began to walk away.
"Wait a minute!" Durden flung open the door, yelling to Nny.
"What? I'm leaving your porch like you told me to. The club meeting same time next week?"
"No....No you idiot. Listen this is a test."
"What is?"
"This."
Nny looked around confused, scratching his head.
"This?"
"THIS!" Durden pointed at the ground with both fingers, trying to make Nny understand.
"OOOOHHHHHH.....I don't get it." Durden slapped his forehead at Nny's response.
"All right, look, me kicking you off the porch is a test to see if you have the commitment to get into Project Mayhem. Get it?"
"I'm not following you."
"LISTEN! You get here on the porch..."
"Right."
"THEN, you stand here for three solid days with no food, water, or sleep."
"OH NO!" Nny said slapping both his hands to his cheeks. "NOT THREE WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT BASIC NECESSITIES! WHATEVER SHALL I DO? Come on, you should know I can do that standing on my head for at least a month."
"You're missing the point here my friend." Durden said, dropping his finished cigarette on the ground and stamping it out with his slipper.
"The point of THIS test? And what would that be pray tell?"
"It is only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." Durden said smuggly, as if awaiting to win the noble prize.
"Thats it?" Nny raised an eyebrow and tapped his foot. "Oh yeah cause I have so much in my life as it is! What with the 401K plan and the white picket fence. Mustn't forget the wife and kids! Wait a minute, I HAVE NONE OF THOSE!"
"......." Durden rolled his eyes.
"Now if you'll excuse me." Nny pushed Durden to the side of the doorway entrance and walked into the delapidated house. "I have a hankering for some happy ham."
"God save us all." Durden closed the door behind the homicidal maniac and walked back into the house.
One week later.....
"YOU GET OFF MY PORCH! YOU'RE TOO FUCKING OLD!" Durden said to one of the recruits standing on his porch, holding his position fast. He then hit the recruit in the legs with a broom but to no avail, the recruit did not flinch. "I'M CALLING THE COPS! HEAR THAT? BET YOU'LL LIKE PRISON WHERE THEY PASS YOU AROUND LIKE A BLOW UP DOLL! NOW GET OUTTA HERE!"
The door slammed hard in front of the applicant's face, but once again, he did not flinch. Tyler walked to the kitchen in his familiar, moth ridden bathrobe and yawned. He walked over to the freshly made pot of coffee and poured it into a small coffee mug. He cracked his neck from side to side and smiled at the prospect of new recruits to his cause. Gulping down the coffee greedily, he decided to give the rookie recruits another lesson for kicks. He was in need of a few more good chuckles. He walked over to the door, swung it open with broom in hand and yelled out.
"I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T GET......WHAT THE HELL?" Tyler looked down to see the corpse of the latest recruit, an umbrella buried in his back. Attached to the umbrella was Nny's hand which had obviously done the job of putting the newest recruit in his grave.
"Hey Tyler how's it going?" Nny said non-chalantly.
"How's it going?" Durden said boiling with anger. "HOW'S IT GOING??? DAMMIT JOHNNY THAT'S THE THIRD RECRUIT THIS WEEK! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THIS PROJECT OFF THE GROUND IF YOU KILL EVERY APPLICANT?"
"What can I tell you, he made fun of my sexy ways." Nny struck a disco pose.
"First off thats just wrong. Second, he's not allowed to talk."
"Well..." Nny said trying to cover his own ass. "He was using his brainy to think it I bet."
Tyler sighed.
"Would you mind joining me in the kitchen for a second Johnny?" Nny nodded to Durden's request and walked right behind his new friend, still covered in his latest victims blood. "Put your hand on the table."
"All righty." Nny said, placing his hand on the kitchen table. "What is this about? Another test maybe?"
"No." Durden said picking up a large gallon filled with a liquid foreign to the homicidal maniac. "This is a chemical agent."
"Huh...AAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Nny cried out as Durden poured the burning corosive acid on Nny's hand and held it in place. Nny thrashed about violently as he continued screaming but to no avail.
"This will hurt more than anything you have ever experienced. It will leave a scar. However from this you will take away something great."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Listen. You can either get water and make it worse or you can..." Durden was interrupted by the large knife stabbing through his own hand courtesy of Nny. "AAAAAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Both men screamed frantically as Nny searched for something to stop the burning and Tyler tried to pull out the knife which was plunged not only deep into his hand, but also through the table. For the next five minutes both men continued crying out in pain at the top of their lungs, trying their best to make the pain stop. As if on cue, both men accomplished what they wanted to do, with Nny stopping the burning using the required chemical solution and Durden ripping the knife out of his hand.
"Johnny?" Durden said after holding his hand and breathing heavy for a good ten minutes.
"Yeah Tyler?" Johnny said having done the same thing.
"You're an asshole."
Later that night.....
"So why are we here again?" Johnny asked Tyler as they sat outside the Lyposuction facility. Both Tyler and Johnny's hands were bandaged up and both had had a good laugh about the whole ordeal in general, that is of course after a large time of cursing exchanged between the two.
"To make soap." Durden said, hopping over the fence to get to the waste depository. He pulled out a bag of fatty tissue from the bin as Johnny sprawled over the fence.
"And to do this we need human flesh, hence the bags filled with all the flesh from liposuctions."
"Is that all we need?" Johnny said, hopping over the fence, leaving Durden to his own devices.
"Wait! Where are you...? Aw forget it." Durden continued his task, throwing bag after bag of liquid fat over the fence. After getting a sufficient amount, he leaped over the fence only to see Nny standing near the bags with a sinister smirk on his face.
"Where did you go? Why didn't you help me with these?"
"Well..." Nny said stepping to the side, revealing four dead bodies behind him. "I was able to kill three homeless guys and a clown while you were busy with that liposuction crap. Now I have a cheese grater in my back pocket so just start hacking away and we'll have enough soap to last us through the....Tyler?"
Johnny looked over to his side, having lost sight of his new friend, and now saw him puking into a nearby sewer. After a solid minute of hurling the contents of his stomach into the dirty sewer, Durden sprung to his feet and wiped his mouth off.
"Honestly Johnny, not when I've eaten." Durden smiled and picked up the bags of fat and walked away from the homicidal maniac.
"Hmph. Swear nobody respects the cheese grater anymore." Nny then skipped happily behind Tyler.
The next morning......
Johnny was sitting on his bed, thinking about all the things that had happened in the past weeks and reflecting on his new friend Tyler. Having, of course, gotten no sleep the night before, his eyes were bulging out of his head. He scratched his chin and resisted the temptation of the horrible thing we like to call sleep. Seeing as how it was so early in the morning, Nny was the only one of the two in the house to hear the knock at the door. He rose from his bed in a fit.
"I swear if it's another one of those applicants for project whatever, I'll just....well you know." Nny grabbed a knife out of his pocket and held it behind his back. He walked down the stairs and edged toward the door. His boney hand twisted the door knob and flung the door open wide.
"Hi." And there she was. She was wearing a black funeral dress with black mascera and black lipstick. Her hair was a mess and her body reeked of cigarrettes and valium. She looked like a corpse that had managed to dig its way out of its own grave and walk amongst the living once more. "I'm Marla."
"......Heeelllloooooo." Johnny's knife dropped to the ground behind his back as a lovesick puppy dog grin came across his face.
End Chapter 3
