Slayers ACK!

By Linnet

LINNET: *steps onto a lighted stage and the crowd slowly wakes up, groans for cheers* Well, hi everyone! Did you miss me?

CROWD: *groans and mumbles*

LINNET: Er…Well, good morning! I'm proud to say that I'm finally back from my vacation to the abyss and I promise I'll make an episode of ACK! out of that, but for now, I have a lovely little songfic for you.

CROWD: Oh no…

LINNET: Oh yes! I wrote it myself. ^^

LINA: …So it sucks, basically?

LINNET: Shush! And I picked out the best voice for this song…Zelgadiss!

ZEL: *comes sulking on stage in a sparkly Elvis Costello suit and a guitar*

ZEL FANS: *swoon; cheer; holler; moan; etc*

LINNET: Yes, he IS cute, ain't he?

ZEL: …No. I'm NOT doing this.

LINNET: Oh yes you are!

ZEL: Give me one reason why I should even consider this remotely.

LINNET: Two words: sand paper.

ZEL: O.o You mean…YOU took it?!

LINNET: That depends. And you will get it back only if you sing this one, incy wincy widdle song for your adoring fans. Please? Pretty please?

ZEL: …f…fine.

LINNET: Yee! Okay. Ladies, gentlemen, and inhuman Zelgadiss fans, I give you, our stony chimera boy, Zelgadiss, singing my song! *bows and leaps into the audience; front row*

ZEL: Uh…*blinks*…

CROWD:…!

ZEL:…Hn. How do you play this thing? *pokes the guitar helplessly*

LINNET: *slaps forehead* Oy vey…I forgot you were instrumentally challenged…

ZEL: So this means I don't have to do this?

CROWD: *whines and sobs*

LINNET: Oh, I never said that, but I—

CROWD: Yay!

LINNET: But I think I can fix it. *smiles*

ZEL:…Eh? How so?

LINNET: I possess some of the most powerful magic known to man or beast, and it'll help you not make an ass of yourself.

ZEL:.…Does this magic include a cure for me?

LINNET: Probably.

ZEL: !!!

LINNET: But I wasn't thinking of that.

ZEL: Where can I get these powers?

LINNET: Oh, you'd never be able to wield them; you're just a character.

XEL: Degrading, yes? ^^

ZEL: …DAH! Where'd you come from? *scoots away from the ever-suddenly existent Xelloss*

XEL: Plot holes are easy to navigate.

LINNET: *sweatdrop* Gee, thanks for making my author skills swell, Xelloss. Anyway, as I was saying, I think I can cure Zel's inability to hold a note both vocally and instrumentally.

XEL: Equally degrading there, too. ^^

ZEL: Where can I get these powers?! I need my cure, dammit.

LINNET: Didn't I mention that you can't get them?

ZEL: Why NOT?

LINNET: I'm talking about writer's powers.

ZEL: Writer's…powers? Writers don't have powers. They just…write.

LINNET: Not true! If all that us writers did was write, there'd be no life (or self-insertion) in any of it. And you wouldn't have any fun if I wasn't here right now!

ZEL:…You're joking, right?

LINNET: No, no. Not at all! See, watch this. *snaps her fingers; POOF! Zelgadiss is in a kilt (underwear or not? Well, I can let you decide.)*

ZEL: ACK! (even the title gets its own insertion sometime or another) What the hell?! Linnet, get this OFF!

CROWD: *squeal; many a fan faints*

XEL: Oh, nice. ^^ It's a good look for you.

LINNET: But you look so cultured, Zel!

ZEL: GET IT OFF!

LINNET: You really should think about what you're asking.

XEL: Oh, no. You heard the chimera-man. ^__^

ZEL: Wh…What?

LINNET: …Well, I don't know…Okay, you convinced me. *snaps; POOF! Our poor, mistreated Zel doesn't have the kilt on anymore. Or anything for that matter, so please control yourselves, ye Zel fans*

ZEL: …EEK! *discovers the guitar is a nice defense mechanism for his shredded dignity*

CROWD: *lots more fainting and shrieking and other such fun*

LINNET: …Maybe we'll just play dress-up with Zel for the rest of the time. Songfics aren't my bag anyway.

XEL: I agree. ^^ Wholeheartedly. Now, I have a suggestion. *whispers in Linnet's ear*

ZEL: …Oh no…What NOW? *kicks a fanatic fan offstage, fending off many others with the mic stand*

LINNET:…Ooo…That's a good idea! ^__^ Hey, does anyone know where Valgaav and Gourry are? Zel, you should stay put. I'll be back! *runs off to find Sir Jolly Minstrel of a Previous Chapter and Goldi-lacks-a-brain*

ZEL:…What? Why? You can't subject me to this!

XEL: *giggles like a spoiled little girl, pulling out shackles*

ZEL: What…are those for? oO;

XEL: Two letters: S and M.

ZEL: Eep.

~*~*~

THE END!

LINNET: Valgaaaaaaaaav! Don't worry; I won't let Xelloss hurt you! Only I will!

VAL: Get the %#$)(* AWAY!

~*~*~

Okay…Now THE END!

GOURRY: Lina, what's suede-oh-massi-chissel?

LINA: It's sado-masochis…Oh, forget it. It'd hurt my brain more than yours to explain it…

~*~*~

Okay…I think that's it…THE END! NOW! Ending! Yes!

PHIB: …Why did I have to sit through THAT? I didn't even show up ONCE! What gives?

~*~*~

END! NOW! THE END. Thank you. Go away now. It's over. Don't expect anything else. Ended! Finished! Please exit the auditorium and pick up all candy wrappers on your way out. GO AWAY! Leave. Exit! Depart!

LINNET: What? Leave now? *has Valgaav by the horn*

THE END!

AN: Psst! I want to thank a couple people/things:

Elvis Costello for having great fashion sense The spare key to Zelgadiss' dressing room Kilts! Xelloss for that intriguing idea… Nickel Creek. I was going to put a songfic in here based off their song "The Fox", but of course, you see how little THAT happened You guys! I can't believe you sat and read up to here. Sorry about mister end man; he rushes me. Toast. Gosh, that stuff is good. Crayola Markers You guys! You're reading this still? Man, I'm glad so many people have no life… You guys once again! Because you're not going to take that last statement seriously…