"If I Owned the World Wrestling Federation"

Discussion 13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I just want Mark Calaway! Is that too much to ask?

I have your Raw recap here, though I'm still scratching my head about it. First off, Chris Benoit made his television return and made it plain that he's just a few weeks away from making his wrestling return and proving why he's "the best damned technical wrestler" out there. Guerrero popped down and said it was great to see Chris back. He told Benoit that Chris was jealous of Eddie's success. Benoit denied it and Flair come down, said that no Smackdown guy was gonna mess with one of his Raw boys, so if Benoit didn't have a ticket, he'd better get the hell out of there. Benoit pushed Eddie down and Flair called for security. Benoit left, faking a punch at Flair.

The first match of the evening was a yawner, featuring William Regal and Molly Holly facing Spike Dudley and Trish Stratus. Spike dominated Regal, so he tagged in Molly, who promptly slapped her "ex". He had to tag in Trish, and Trish took care of Miss Molly, scoring the 3 count and retaining her Women's Championship. Regal gave Molly his brass knucks and she used them to hit Trish.

They cut to Terri interviewing Steven Richards on the condition of Jazz. He said she was doing great, and that she was just so cute and cuddly. Jackie came down and questioned his opinion of Jazz. Jackie stomped his foot and hit him with the mic and came very close to becoming the Hardcore Champion. Planet Stasiak came down and pulled Jackie off, and pinned Richards, but Steven kicked out. Bossman came down and he and Shawn started a brawl, leaving Steven on the ground. Terri pinned him and became Hardcore Champ, but was rolled up by Richards, so he regained his title.

Booker T and X-Pac had a match against the Hardy Boys and the New World Order dominated, with X-Pac landing the X-Factor. Booker did his spinarooni (sp?) and they left. Nash had said earlier that if any of the boys lost their matches, they would be out of the group and Big Nasty would kick the person's ass that lost.

It cut to Heyman asking how Trish was doing after being hit with the brass at the beginning. Trainers said she was fine and Paul tried to sneak in her dressing room, only to find Bubba waiting for him. He attacks Heyman and tells him to stay away from Trish and to tell his boy Brock that Bubba was the true Next Big Thing.

Tommy Dreamer came down to ringside to tell the people that he was normal. There's nothing different between him and us. Tommy spots a guy eating hotdogs. He goes to grab it, but they all fall on the floor. Tommy picks up the hotdog from the floor, wipes it on the floor to pick up the fallen mustard and starts to eat it. He gets back in the ring to talk about how normal he is, when The Red Devil himself, The Undertaker, marches to the ring. The Undisputed Champion takes a mic and stares at Dreamer, who is liking his fingers. Taker wonders about Dreamer being a normal, average guy. Taker is the WWE Undisputed Champion, and now Dreamer is on his time. He suggests that Tommy go to the back. Tommy starts to explain, but Taker cuts him off. Even Hulk Hogan didn't take up his time. RVD didn't take up Taker's time. So what makes this sideshow freak think he can take up the Undertaker's time? He tells Tommy to get the hell out. Tommy starts to leave, but Taker calls him back in. Taker says that, since he's here and Tommy's here, why not have an Undisputed Title match? Tommy jumps back in and says that he wants a shot. Taker says that he's not going to get a shot, because he's not worthy. There's a dressing room full of wrestlers in the back, and not a single one of them poses a challenge to him. But because he's a nice guy and since Tommy loves to entertain the people by doing disgusting things, here's one. Taker reaches out and grabs his tobacco spitting glass. He tells Tommy to drink it. Tommy says he can't do it. Taker says that he's not asking for him to do it, he's telling him. Dreamer says that it's too gross. Taker tells Dreamer to either drink the spit, or he'll be forever eating through a tube. Tommy takes the glass and puts it to his lips, but Taker takes it back. Taker spits a huge wad of tobacco into the cup and hands it back to Dreamer. Tommy drinks it down and says that it's pretty good. Taker turns around in disgust and then punches Dreamer in the face. Taker whips Tommy hard into the corner, then slams him down. He pulls Tommy up and tosses him out of the ring. On the outside, Taker gets a chair, puts it around Tommy's head, and rams it into the steel post. Taker gets a mic and says that that is disgusting.

Bubba and Brock wrestle next and Bubba started out strong. Heyman got involved and Bubba whipped him into the corner. Lesnar charged, but hit Paul. Bubba hit the Bubba Bomb, but Lesnar kicked out. Heyman tripped Bubba up and Lesnar hit his version of the TKO for the 3 count. Am I the only person who hates Paul Heyman?

In the arena, the Big Show makes his way to the ring in the second of the nWo's "must win" matches. Bradshaw comes down and jumps right in the ring. Bradshaw takes out Show's knee and lays into it. Chops by Bradshaw, but Show clotheslines him down. Headbutt by Show. Punches in the corner by Show, who then tosses Bradshaw across the ring. Clothesline by Show, then more headbutts. Scoop slam by Show, then an elbow drop. Big Boot by Bradshaw, then another. They exchange punches, and Bradshaw clotheslines Show, but he doesn't fall. Bradshaw misses a boot and lands on the ropes. Show Stopper to Bradshaw for the 3 count.

Goldust and Crash were up next and The Bizarre One was sporting the black and white

New World Order t-shirt. He beat Crash with a front suplex and hauled ass when Nash's music hit. Nash gave Crash the big boot and raised his arms. Goldust mimicked him on the outside. I dunno! laughs

Eddie comes down, still wearing his belt for the Ladder Match for his Intercontinental Title. RVD comes down and the match is on. On the outside, RVD whips Eddie into the ringpost, then slams him into the apron. Van Dam lays Eddie on the barrier, then spin kicks down onto him. Eddie comes back, whipping RVD into the ladder, then stomping away like crazy. Suplex by Eddie, who now finds that the ladder is broken, so he just tosses it onto Van Dam. Eddie tries to smash it onto RVD, but finding it broken, tosses it aside. Back in the ring, Eddie hits a hard back elbow. Elbows to the head by Eddie, who then wraps RVD's legs around the ringpost. Eddie gets a chair and cracks it across RVD's knee. Stomps by Eddie, then punches in the corner. High angle backsuplex by Eddie. Punches in the corner by Eddie, but RVD comes back with a monkey flip. Eddie powerbombs Van Dam down. Eddie goes outside and pulls out another ladder, but RVD baseball slides it into Eddie's face. Eddie lifts up the ladder as RVD moonsaults to the outside, smashing the ladder onto Eddie. As the two men lay motionless, we see that Chris Benoit is walking down the stands. Security stops him, but he flashes a ticket. We come back as Eddie Guerrero smashes the ladder into RVD's face. Eddie gets into the ring and sets up the ladder. Eddie climbs up, but RVD goes up top and dropkicks the ladder out from under Guerrero. RVD hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker onto the ladder, then hits Rolling Thunder on Eddie. Van Dam hits Eddie with a low dropkick just to make sure before he starts setting up the ladder. Van Dam climbs up, but Eddie regains himself and climbs the other side. Eddie smashes Van Dam's face into the ladder and hits an incredible Sunset Flip Powerbomb from over the ladder! God damn! Eddie starts climbing the ladder when some dumb-ass drunken Canadian knocks the jumps in the ring and knocks the ladder down. Before security can get to him, Eddie stomps the shit out of him, deservingly. Eddie resets the ladder and goes up top, easily able to grab the belt, but instead he swantons over the ladder onto Van Dam! Eddie gets a chair and sets it in the corner, but Van Dam reverses and smashes Eddie into it. Stomps by Van Dam, then a running dropkick into the chair into Eddie's face. Van Dam takes the ladder down and sets it on Eddie's body, before hitting the no-legged moonsault onto it! Van Dam sets up the ladder and climbs, but Eddie pulls him down. Eddie suplexes Van Dam into the ladder. Eddie sets the ladder in the corner, but Van Dam reverses and whips Eddie into it. Van Dam goes for the monkey flip, but Eddie blocks and 'buckles Van Dam. RVD leaps but misses, but then monkey flips Eddie into the ladder. Again RVD lays the ladder on Eddie, and again he hits Rolling Thunder onto it. As Van Dam sets the ladder, Eddie dropkicks his legs out from under him. Eddie picks up the chair, but RVD hits the Van Daminator! RVD takes the ladder and sets it up in the corner. Van Dam climbs up to the top of the ladder and looks for a giant 5-Star, but the ladder gives way and RVD falls to the mat. Eddie takes the opportunity to go up top, but Van Dam leaps up and spin kicks him off the turnbuckle and onto the barrier. Van Dam sets the ladder in the middle of the ring, climbs up and grabs the belt! Rob Van Dam regains the Intercontinental Title in the best IC match I've ever seen! Van Dam climbs the turnbuckle to celebrate, but Eddie hits him with the ladder and knocks him to the outside. The glass breaks and Austin runs down to the ring, beating the hell out of Eddie. Flair and Arn run down, only to get beat down. Back bodydrop to Flair. Benoit jumps the barrier and gets in the ring to force Eddie out, but then clocks Austin from behind! Benoit is beating up Austin! Snapmare by Benoit as Eddie goes up top for the Frog Splash! As Benoit and Eddie stomp on Austin, Flair and Anderson laugh from the ramp. (thanks to Matt Boone for this piece. I don't like either participant, so I kinda borrowed his re-cap of this match..LOL!)

I'm glad RVD won the IC title. Now he will leave the Big Evil alone for a bit! Raw last night was actually pretty good, the ladder match was awesome. It was nice to see Taker not have to defend his title. The man needs time to heal a bit first. We shall see how things go. I'm out of here.

LONG LIVE THE DEADMAN