Where We Go From Here

By ~*~Silver Kitten~*~

A/N: Hi guyz!  This is the continuation of Promise of Tomorrow.  That was left off with Helga and Arnold walking.  This one has more mystery/angst/suspense like features which is why I like it…I think…lol.  Anyway some input would be appreciated.  The fic may take a turn from what you expect.  ^_~ BTW thanks for the sympathy for my friend!  I wrote some of this stuff kinda late, so I apologize for any grammatical errors or spelling errors ahead of time. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold! But I do own Heath Ledger.  *Nefarious laugh* Okay so I don't…just yet. 

Dedication: To Tarah, just because she's kewl!  ^_^

~*~ Helga ~*~

As we walked down the sidewalk I kicked a small stone down the way with me.  Down the road I could see the horizon.  I thought I'd stare out at it for a while as we walked.  The clouds around it looked orange from the suns glow, the sky a kind of burgundy color.  I wondered if Phoebe was up there…helping to tuck the sun in to its bed of night and to wake the moon. 

Arnold and I haven't said much since we left.  It has been a long day and somewhere down the road you'll have to run out of energy to talk, much like I have run out of energy to even walk.  Drowsiness pulled fast over my eyes and my whole body was weakened.  We were nearing Arnold's house, and I knew he must be tired too. 

"Hey, you don't have to walk me all the way to my house.  I know you must be tired." I told him. 

"I know I don't have to.  I want to." He said with a slight grin.

I looked at him and wondered how his spirit could be so delicate yet never breakable.  His grandparents instilled in him qualities that counteract with mine, I only wish for one day I could not try to match wits with him and instead just be myself.  I would never add up to what he does, the amount is far too great for comprehension.  Maybe that's why I need him so much, along with the constant debate of how I feel about him, because without him I'm just a girl who not only doesn't know who she is, but is off the road of discovering that.  I wish I could hold his hand as I let him lead me on this path, this battle of identity and truth, but I only follow and long to walk beside him. 

If Phoebe were still here I know she'd tell me something like "since you can't forget about 'ice cream', then forget about forgetting anything and start remembering to be yourself", or something intellectual and insightful such as that.  Maybe I don't need her here to tell me that… it's something she's infused in me throughout our shortened journey through early adolescence. 

I just need to grasp that and use it.  I owe her that much, don't I?  It's not like I have to tell him my true feelings, about how I've worshiped him, created shrines, manifested his image in my dreams as my guide.  Like the challenge Phoebe gave me, the promise I returned, I can wait till I'm older and ready; should I ever become a successful author it is a sure sign I am truly meant to say what ought to be said.

The sun had now sunk below all sight and only a blue mesh of nighttime sky left hanging over us with stars emerging from its depth. 

So then…this must be the end of the end and the start of a new beginning.  This must be a symbol, as we walk just him and I that maybe everything will work out to be okay.  Maybe I have to stop focusing on the past and every mistake and work to make them better and learn to make what is to come a little easier—for both of us.  Sure, people don't change over night, but realizations at sunset are a start. 

"Helga?  Is everything all right?  You seem kind of spaced out." Arnold suddenly spoke.  I kind of smiled, I kind of laughed, I kind of thought for a moment I may be scaring him. 

"Yeah.  For once, I think everything will be all right.  I mean Phoebe is finally at peace after those agonizing months.  I don't have to worry about her, ya know?  And I…well…I…can maybe learn not to just cling to one person and learn to lighten up and trust others.  What do you think, football head?" I smirked.  Just because I'm trying to change doesn't mean I have to lose my style completely.   I'm still me; whoever that is. 

"You know, it's actually good to hear you call me that.  And I think you can do whatever you put your mind to." He said in a knowingly sort of way.  To know he thought that was both odd and pleasant.  Why after years of torment would he say something like that?  Why after years of putting him down and making him think he couldn't do anything would he come back around and tell me I can do anything?  Why after all these years does he still even speak to me, I wonder?  Well I think I know that answer…because he's Arnold. 

We reached my front door at last.  Earlier this morning I was expecting to reach my front door in tears and anguish, but instead even my mind was at peace.  I still miss Phoebe, but the fact she's gone isn't eating away at me, and that is a very good thing.

"I don't know where I'd be without you." It came out- sudden and exact.  I had no intention of saying that.  It slipped.  For a minute Arnold just looked at me as I diverted my eyes elsewhere. 

"Probably the same place I'd be without you." He said.  His manner was that of jesting, like an obvious answer that of course if I weren't with him he wouldn't be with me, and I think he dismissed any uneasiness I had felt.  Then his eyes changed somehow, they became a little more serious and not just looking at something but searching.  Did he think he could joke his way through that and now only realize that he couldn't?  Or did he suddenly realize he didn't mean it in a joking way, he actually meant it?  I just laughed a small laugh to brush it off.

"Well…give my regards to Gerald for me, okay?" I asked.  He nodded.

"Of course.  I guess I'll…see ya around then." He replied, seeming distracted at something. 

I would have left him with that and gone in, but I felt compelled to hug him.  He had no idea of all the things he has done for me.  He had no clue of how I really felt about him, in fact, you might say I pitied him for that.  And so I did, I hugged him.  I had a few tears in my eyes and I didn't know why they were there.  Was I just happy I was hugging him and not ridiculing?  Was I upset our little walk had ended and maybe the only reason he's being so caring today is because tomorrow he thinks I'll go back to my old ways? 

I didn't want to leave his embrace, I could have lived in it forever, but I didn't want this day to turn into a soap opera any more than it already has.  I wanted to keep it nice and simple, a day never to forget, because it was a eye opening as it was eye watering, as good as it was not so good.  So I pulled away.

"Thank you again Arnold.  I'll see ya around." I said quietly.  He appeared lost in his own thoughts, a typical expression on his face. 

"You're welcome.  See you later." He said back, waving and grinning as he turned to walk away.  I put my hand on the doorknob, watching him leave.  Before he turned the corner I went inside, wondering if the moment I looked away he looked back. 

The house seemed empty and uncared for, like usual, it was only filled with the sound of the blender for Miriam's smoothies and the pallid light of the T.V. in the living room.  I thought about yelling 'I'm home', but really whom would it be for?  I started up the stairs and I heard an unexpected voice.

"Helga?" I turned and saw Bob standing in the middle of the doorway of the living room. 

"Yeah dad, I'm home now but I'm going upstairs so I'll be out of your way." I said to him, briefly he seemed appalled. 

"I'm sorry you feel that way." He said, with a stale tone. 

"Well I have reason to." I replied, heading back up, until he said something that caught my attention and reeled in my thoughts.

"I saw you, today," he spoke.  "At your friend's grave.  I saw you standing there by yourself.  It got me thinking…of a lot of things.  My mind had been flooded with memories and I began to drown in my own guilt.  When I was your age I lost my best friend, Roy Kenton.  I remember when I walked in my house after seeing his grave my father…beat me.  He said I was out of the house too long, dishes and laundry weren't done.  All he would do was complain I got in his way, or he'd never know I was there, standing in the doorway waiting for someone to invite me in my own house.  My older brother, Ben, was always better than me, spoiled while I was neglected.  And Helga, I realize…that is exactly what I do to you.

"I saw you standing at that grave…you weren't screaming or whining, you were being so adult.  I missed so much of you growing up because I never paid attention, because I'm too much like my father.  It was then I understood I have never been the parent I should have been.  I don't know why all these thoughts came, but I know they're true.  I have to say I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for never being there.  I'm sorry that your little friend died.  I'm sorry for everything."

It was at that moment, a first time in my entire life, I had felt sympathy for him, no, empathy.  It was also the first time I had seem him shed tears.  Big Bob Pataki, my dad, a man who would stand up to anyone and never gave the impression he was any less of the man he made himself out to be…was crying. 

I ran down the stairs and threw my arms around him.  He continued whispering 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'. 

"That's all I ever wanted to hear, dad." I told him, trying not to cry tears of my own.  Rather than pain I had understanding, finally.  I always thought whatever I did was wrong or not enough, but I know it was because he was pushing me to be someone better than he was at his age, being the second child and the most unseen human being. 

I almost thought Phoebe was up there, giving him these realizations, implanting those memories so he could redeem himself to be a better father. 

~*~Arnold~*~

As I turned the corner, I looked back, wondering if when I was turned away Helga was watching.  I think she's changed, or is beginning to. 

Like after all this time when I've caught her being nice and she claimed it wouldn't happen again or I shouldn't get used to it, that they're becoming more frequent and more stable.  It is possible, isn't it? 

Helga G. Pataki, the girl who makes herself to be tough and mean but all the while has hearts on her wallpaper and a bow in her hair, truly a contradiction.  Yet Phoebe knew, at one point Stinky knew, my cousin Arnie knew, and I know she isn't who she seems to be.  Her personality goes deeper than that of a menace to people.  If only I could be on her level and understand why she does the things she does, or why she says the things she says.  If only I knew. 

While in thought I walked at a slow pace, enjoying the freedom of our neighborhood in early evening and the peace allowed even after a tragic event.  I just hope Gerald is holding up all right. 

I walked in the boarding house, closing the door quietly so not to wake anyone who might be sleeping and went up to my room. 

"Hey short man," my grandpa greeted me from the kitchen as I passed by.  I went in and sat down. 

"Hi grandpa." I said, yawning.

"Hectic day today?" he inquired, knowing I went to Phoebe's grave. 

"Sort of…not as bad as I thought…in fact, it turned out to be nice…I mean, as nice as a day like today could get.  But its good, you know?  Our friend Phoebe was in so much pain…now she's out of it, and Helga?  She's doing great, I think she's not too hung over on it, which is good, because they were so close, I'd hate to see Helga sink into depression.  What's weird is she hugged me, twice." I said to him, tilting my head and thinking about our previous conversation.

"Ahh seems to me she must really like you." Grandpa laughed a little and I sat straight up in a determined stature.

"No, she doesn't like me like that.  If anything, we're just friends!" I bargained with him, but he gave me that look.  The look that speaks for itself, saying "you know its true, or you hope it is, whether you accept it or not". 

"I told you about that girl…who when I was your age gave me the same problems day out and day in.  Always picking on me, calling me names…but there were those few moments she'd trip under her own front and let her good side show.  Not many of the other kids knew about her decent side, but deep down I did.  Then one day all of a sudden something happened…I can't quite remember what it was…maybe her gold fish died, and I was there for her for support, letting her know there were other fish in the sea and in a pond down near the center of the park.  She hugged me; so happy someone was there for her.  We had our bumps down the line, but through and through I knew something happened that day.  Came to find out it was because she liked me."

I tried pretending that I didn't hear him, but he knew I was listening.  Still, I don't see how that could prove true for Helga and me. 

"Yeah, but times have changed since you were a kid." I declared, and it was too late to exchange seriousness for the stubbornness in that statement. 

"True…well, all right now, I think its time for bed.  I'll see you in the morning." He flashed a shrewd grin.  I sighed and curved my lips to a half smile.

"Good night, grandpa." I replied, yawning again and leaving for my room. 

Falling asleep, a single itching thought scratched my mind.  What if grandpa was right?  What if Helga did like me?  What if…I liked Helga? 

Then it came to me, why would I be asking what if unless the thought hadn't crossed my mind?  And if the thought had already crossed my mind then…what if it's true?  And if I ask now if it is true, does that mean I've established it isn't wrong or disagreed with it? 

I scurried the thoughts from my mind and forced myself to just avoid the subject and try to sleep.  Yet, humorously and annoyingly, I thought finally, if I'm just avoiding the subject does it conclude I'm denying myself what I feel? 

~*~Helga~*~

It had been a long night.  My dad and I stayed up a while talking about our feelings.  Could you ever imagine, could you ever see that?  I never could, but I can.  It was still early but I couldn't sleep anymore.  I was busying myself with recalling events that happened yesterday.  With everything from Phoebe, to Arnold, and still my dad, I wondered what would happen today.  My thoughts jumbled when I heard the phone ring.  Who would call so early?

I crept out of bed and to the top of the stairs, trying to figure out who called.

"Hello?" Bob answered.  There was silence, and I peered down the rail to see his expression going pale and angered.

"What do you mean?  Today?" A moment of hesitation came.  "That's crazy!" he mumbled, his fingers about to break the phone cord.  Nothing was said by him for a few moments, I head incoherent sounds from the receiver and watched Bob's glare at the floor turn saddened.  Finally, he spoke again.  I did not like the words I heard.  "Fine, we'll be out by tonight."  With that, he hung up the phone. 

What did he mean we'd be out?  I stepped down a few steps.

"Dad?  What is going on, who was that?" I asked, a quick chill stabbing my neck. 

"We have to move, today.  It's imperative.  It was…a man from the witness protection agency.  Someone has threatened to kill me and blow up the beeper emporium unless we leave.  I don't understand it all myself, they said they'd explain more in detail when we arrive.  You and your mother can't stay, I don't want your lives jeopardized." He explained.  It was too quick, too impossible to believe.  How can this be?

"Dad…no…I can't leave…who would do this?  Why can't they do something else?  I…we can't!" questions were hysterical in my throat, I didn't know what to ask first, or which answers were more important.  This could not be happening! 

"I'm sorry, we have to.  I don't want to either but we must relocate before this gets out of hand, just until everything is cleared up." He said, walking past me on the staircase.  "I'm going to wake Miriam, you need to pack things that are of absolute importance." He said; frustration flurried in his tone.  

"Dad wait!  I need to say goodbye to my friends…at least!  Please!" I begged.  He fought with himself to answer. 

"Fine.  After you get packed go say goodbye, no longer than an hour should you be gone!" he ordered.  I had just an hour to say goodbye to my friends?  Is that even fair?  Well I wasn't about to argue with him now.  I nodded and fled upstairs to get packed. 

I grabbed a few of my diaries, my books of poetry, a box of pictures, some shirts and dresses, a pair of shoes…no one plans for this to happen.  No one ever goes to sleep at night setting out things vital to their lives should they wake up to call demanding they leave.  It is completely spontaneous, and frightening.  All I knew is I had to reach Arnold and tell him.  I set my things in the hall, put my shoes on and ran as fast I could.

Gerald's house.  He was the object of my best friend's affection.  I had to say something to him.  I rang his doorbell, then again twice.  A little girl answered the door.

"Hello?  Who are you?" she asked, rubbing her eyes. 

"Please, I need to see Gerald.  It's really important." I urged her to hurry.  She took her little feet and ran upstairs.  Finally he came down, barely away. 

"Helga?  Hi, what are you doing here?  It's so early." He said, his voice groggy. 

"Gerald I…came to say goodbye.  I'm leaving, and I wanted to tell my friends goodbye." I stated, as simply as that. 

"You are, why?" he asked. 

"It's complicated.  But listen I'm…sorry we never really got along that well…I think you're a really nice person…I can see why Phoebe liked you so much.  And I just wanted to tell you that…you guys would have been great together, I wouldn't want her to have a better friend than you." I said to him, breathing deeply.  He held his hand out to shake.  I looked at it and shook it. 

"Thank you Helga.  Wherever you're going and for whatever reason, I hope it all works out." He said.  I smiled a smile that quickly faded.  Then I took off running again.  

I deeply wanted to see Arnold, but in case I never got another chance, I had a lot of people I needed to apologize to, to thank, to say good-bye.  I stopped at Rhonda's, wishing her well.  I stopped at Patty's, thanking her for being a friend when needed.  I stopped at Harold's, apologizing for all the name calling and thanking him for the great seats at the wrestling show.  I stopped at Nadine's, thanking her for letting the cockroaches out in the fancy restaurant when I couldn't pay, even though we wound up washing dishes anyway.  I even stopped at Phoebe's parent's house, thanking them for raising such a wonderful person and giving me a lifelong friend.

Arnold's house never seemed further away.

I ran now to his place, time running short when I knew his house would need the most time.  I finally came to his doorstep nearly out of breath, knocking on the door.  I was dizzy, wondering what I was going to say.  The door opened and before I could catch myself I collapsed in someone's arms, Arnold's. 

"Helga!" he said softly as he suddenly awoke before me.  All words fell from my mouth.  I tried to gather them up while gathering breath. 

"Arnold I…I have to…to…tell you…goodbye.  I'm…I'm leaving, tonight." I exclaimed, putting my hands to my stomach.  His eyes grew moist. 

"Leaving where?  For how long?" he questioned. 

"That's the…funny thing…hehe.  I don't know…I don't know where or…or why, really, or for how long.  Or if I'll ever be back." A tear fell from my eye.  He was in a shock of disbelief, as was I. 

"Will we ever see each other again?" he wondered aloud, trying to reason with fate perhaps. 

"I…don't know." Was all I could say.

"There are a lot of things I need to talk to you about…a lot of unanswered questions…this can't be goodbye.  Not like this, can it?  We have to meet again.  Promise me we'll meet again!" he said, grabbing my shoulders.  I didn't know why he desired so, why he was so set on meeting again.  It enlightened my heavy heart though. 

"Ok…we'll meet again.  I promise." I wanted him to know somehow I was as serious as he was.  That for once I wasn't deceiving him like pretending to forget who I am for him to notice me, or pretending I'm blind to get him to see me.  This was certain, this was real, and this was terribly heartbreaking.  So I reached up and pulled the bow from my hair, unraveling the pink ribbon I've had for six years.  I held it for a moment and looked at him, taking his hand and placing it in it.

"Helga, I can't…" he started.

"Take it.  You can give it back to me when we meet again." I told him.  He pressed it in his hands and shut his eyes.  He wasn't being himself, oddly.  He then took off his blue cap three sizes too small for his football shaped head and put it in my hands.  My response was the same as his before.

"Arnold no, I can't take this." I told him.  I knew his parents gave him this, it meant more to him than anything.

"This cap is as much a part of me as the ribbon is to you.  You keep it for me, until we meet." Arnold remarked.  I took it, holding it tightly.  "There is something I have to tell you." He began. 

"Arnold, there's something I have to tell you too.  I believe though its best left unsaid for now.  It would be inappropriate for me to tell you." I clarified.  His eyes lit up.

"Yeah, you're right…I shouldn't tell you then either.  Not now." We both agreed. 

"I guess this is…goodbye then."

"Until we meet again." I corrected him.  Just then my dad pulled up, honking the horn.  I knew it was time.  Time to leave. 

"Helga…where do we go from here?" he inquired.  His eyes were hopeful yet sad. 

"Wherever fate takes us." I answered.  I climbed down his steps; I couldn't look at him.  I got into the car; I couldn't look at him.  I shut the door; I couldn't look at him.  But I couldn't look away, either.  Through the window glass I pressed my hands against it and watched as he got smaller and smaller in the distance, we went further and further from him, but I knew I was closer than ever to him now. 

~*~Arnold~*~

I watched her leave.  Everything came and left so hastily.  I didn't know where she was going or why, but I knew where she'd be- in my heart.  I held her ribbon tightly to my chest.

"Helga…if only you knew…"

*::*::*::*::*

Knew what, you ask?  Well I'll let it form in your head, until I get the next part out at least.  So how did you like it?  Did you like it all?  Hate it?  Want it to burn?  Hehehe.  Any and all comments are welcome.  Oh yeah, I'm sorry if anyone seemed out of character.  Bob was OOC purposely, but I think you guys are smart enough to have ascertained that with what he was saying.  

What is to come: Arnold has some realizations of his own.  Helga deals with trying to start a new life.  Big Bob Pataki tries to figure who is out to get him.  The results may astonish you, but you decide that for yourself. 

Further down the line, what is to come: Let's just say I may hear some wedding bells…or are my cats just running around the house again?  Hmmm…^_^ Until next time, take care!

~*~ Silver Kitten ~*~