Ex-Girlfriends
Caption: Pleasantville, 1902
EXT: Street, Dusk
A man walks down the street with his back to the camera. He whistles to himself and comes up to a house
INT: House
The inside of the house is black with gothic and occult things on the walls in stark contrast with the simple outside exterior. A woman sits Indian style on a rug mixing a cauldron of some bubbly ickyness; the doorbell rings.
EXT: Front Door, Dusk
The man still has his back to the camera.
Man: You can do this. You can do this.
INT: House
The woman walks to the door and opens it to reveal Merton, slightly older and with a mustache, standing there with flowers.
Merton: Claudia?
Claudia: Merton!
EXT: Park
The park is the same one as in the show but without the gazebo. The two people are strolling and talking.
Claudia: Nice night.
Merton looks nervous.
Merton: Yes it is.
Claudia: Merton, what's wrong?
Merton: It's nothing, just…can we talk?
Claudia: I thought that's what we were doing?
Merton: Sit down.
He leads her to a bench and they sit down.
Claudia: Merton, what is it?
Merton: Claudia…
He takes a deep breath.
Merton: …I think we should see other people.
(pause)
Claudia: What?
Merton: I think we should break up.
Claudia: But…we were going to be married.
She holds up her ring finger.
Merton: I'm sorry, I just can't…I got up this morning and I thought, "what am I doing" you know?
Claudia: No I don't know, none of this makes any sense.
Merton: I'm sorry, I just can't.
He gets up and walks away leaving Claudia crying.
INT: House
Claudia bursts into the house in a rage. She goes to her cauldron and picks up a knife. As she brings it up, a hole in the fabric of time opens up behind her and a demon in a black robe steps out of it majestically.
Demon: Oh, you people are so dramatic; "my heart is broken, I must stab at thee." Give me a break.
She barely acknowledges his presence.
Claudia: Don't mock me.
Demon: I'm not here to mock, I'm here to help.
Claudia: I don't need anything from you.
Demon: But you want you're boyfriend back don'tcha?
She finally turns around.
Claudia: You could do that?
Demon: Just come with me.
He offers his hand and she takes it; they go into the portal and it closes behind them. The camera goes back to the desk next to the cauldron and zooms in on a framed black and white picture of Merton.
EXT: Graveyard, Night
Caption: Pleasantville, 2002
The picture fades into Merton's actual face as he leans against a tombstone. Tommy is fighting a big fish monster. They trade blows until Tommy knocks the monster into a tree. He pulls up a bottle of weird colored water and splashes it on him.
Tommy: Back to the black lagoon you go.
The monster melts into a stinking puddle and Tommy walks back to Merton.
Merton: Sloppy, and the thing at the end about the black lagoon could have used a little work.
Tommy: Not in the mood, and thanks for helping by the way.
Merton: I was supervising.
Tommy's walking away. On the ground, a gold ring comes up from under one of the graves.
Merton: I'll give you that, I don't help much; oh, and the next time you're captured by a mad scientist I'll just let you handle it.
Tommy: Sorry.
Merton: Hey, gold.
Merton bends down and picks up the ring.
Tommy: What?
Merton: It's a ring.
He shows it to Tommy.
Tommy: Merton, you just can't take things from a grave.
Merton (unconvincing): Yeah, you're right.
Tommy: Well come on, I have to get home and wash fish stink out of my clothes.
Merton is still mesmerized by the ring.
Merton: Yeah, sure.
He slips the ring into his pocket and catches up to Tommy.
The camera goes back to the grave. The name Claudia Bellows can now be seen on it. Two hands shoot out of the ground and pull up a dirt-covered body. It's Claudia, in the same clothes as the last scene. She starts to spin around at super speed and the dirt flies off in all directions, when she stops she looks as clean as she did before. She looks down at her now ring-less finger.
Claudia: Soon.
(Theme Song)
INT: The Factory
Tommy sits at a table waiting for Merton to bring the drinks. He opens up his wallet and unfolds it to reveal a picture of him, Merton and Lori, only it's folded up so only Lori is facing out. Tommy looks at the picture and sighs, then quickly closes the wallet when Merton comes to the table.
Merton: Got the drinks.
Tommy: What do I owe ya?
Merton: It's on me.
Tommy: But I always pay half.
Merton: I figure you've had enough trouble in your life recently, what with ghosts and giant werewolves, you don't half to be poor too.
Tommy: That stuff was like, yesterday. Quit living in the past man.
Merton: Well fish monsters notwithstanding it's been a pretty calm couple of hours, you should relax.
Tommy: That's why I'm here, to relax.
Merton: You don't look relaxed.
Tommy: Well maybe I could relax if people weren't pestering me about getting relaxed all the time.
Merton: Sorry.
Tommy: Don't worry about it.
(pause)
Merton: Maybe you should get Lori back.
Tommy: What?
Merton: I said pass the peanuts man.
Tommy: Oh.
He reaches off screen and produces a dish of peanuts which he gives to Merton.
Tommy: So where's Allison tonight?
Merton: She had some homework to do.
INT: Allison's Room
Close up on the television as a werewolf brutally slaughters a helpless victim. The camera pushes out to show Allison eating popcorn and watching the film. There are dozens of movie cases strewn about her room ranging from Silver Bullet to Teen Wolf. She pauses the movie she's watching and takes a few notes in a notebook.
Allison's Mom (voice from downstairs): Allison, dinner's ready!
Allison: I'll be right down Mom!
She turns off the movie and runs downstairs.
INT: Factory
Tommy is bowling at the lanes and Merton is sitting at a nearby table looking at his ring. Merton turns the ring over in his hands to read the inscription on the inside.
Merton: Forever yours…Claudia. I wonder who Claudia is.
He puts the ring in his pocket when Tommy comes up to the table.
Tommy: You're up.
Merton: Oh right.
Tommy: You okay man?
Merton: Yeah, I'm fine.
He gets up and picks up his ball.
Merton: Watch the master.
He approaches the lane and gets ready to throw.
Merton (to himself): Okay Merton, eye of the tiger.
He starts to hum the theme to himself. Claudia walks by Merton and he turns to watch her go by just as he throws the ball; the ball flies three lanes over and gets a strike on somebody else's lane.
Merton: Sorry!
He looks back and Claudia disappears into the crowd (literally). Tommy walks up.
Tommy: What a master.
Merton: But there was a girl…
Tommy: Sure Merton (he gets ready to throw) there's always a girl.
He throws the ball and gets a strike.
Tommy: That's what I'm talking about. You were right Merton, this is relaxing.
Merton: You didn't see her.
Tommy: See who?
Merton: The girl.
Tommy: You better watch that, you have a girl waiting at home.
INT: Allison's House, Kitchen
Allison sits at the dinner table and put her plate down, which is toppling over with chicken.
Mom: Honey, are you all right?
Allison (eating a thigh): Yeah, I'm fine.
Her parents exchange a look.
Allison: What?
Dad: It's nothing.
Allison: Could you pass the potatoes?
He dad passes over a pot of mashed potatoes and she starts to eat right from it. The parents exchange another look.
Allison: What is it now?
Mom: Honey, we don't want impede your development or stop you from living your life but…
Allison: But what?
Dad: We've noticed that you have been acting a little strange.
Allison: Strange how?
She looks down at her eating the potatoes.
Allison: So I'm hungry.
Mom: We're not confronting, we're just concerned.
Dad: It's just that ever since you starting hanging around with that boy you haven't been yourself.
Allison: Merton?
Mom: Yes, whatever.
Allison: It's not Merton.
Dad: Than what is it?
Allison: I…can't talk about it.
She gets up and leaves the table.
Dad: Where are you going?
Allison: Out.
She grabs her backpack and walks out the front door.
EXT: The Front Porch, Night
Allison steps out of the house and stops. We hear the weird whispers that she heard in episode 8. She looks around, then cautiously walks away.
INT: Tommy's House, Kitchen (Scene from 6 Vision Girl)
Lori: You gonna be all right?
Tommy: Yeah, just promise me one thing.
Lori: What?
Tommy: Don't shave your head.
She laughs and pulls him into a hug. After a second or two she lets go and walks out of the archway into the living room.
Lori: Bye Tommy.
Tommy: Bye.
She leaves Tommy standing in the kitchen.
Flash cut to INT: The Lair
Tommy sits in a chair facing away from Merton at his computer desk. Tommy snaps out of his daydream and gets up. Merton puts his hand over the ring that was sitting on the desk.
Tommy: What'cha doin'
Merton minimizes a page quickly and looks up.
Merton: Online Dungeons and Dragons, do you want to see my character sheet?
Tommy: No, that's all right.
Tommy backs away before Merton starts. Merton goes back to his computer with a relieved look on his face. He maximizes the page he was looking at which has a picture of a golden ring. He scans down the page but doesn't find what he's looking for.
Merton: Hmm, it's not magical.
Tommy: What's not magical?
Merton: My plus 3 Broad Sword, I was just saying that…
Tommy: Never mind.
Merton: Whatever.
Merton waits till Tommy looks back and pulls the ring up to study it more closely.
Merton: What is it then.
Tommy notices the glimmer of the ring in the corner of his eye and turns around.
Tommy: What's that?
Merton: Nothing.
Tommy: Is that the ring?
He gets up and rushes over to Merton.
Tommy: I told you not to take it.
Merton: I know but…
Tommy: You can't steal from dead people Merton.
Merton: It's not stealing.
Tommy: It's taking someone else's property without asking.
Merton: How can I ask, the guy's dead.
Tommy: You're gonna put it back.
Merton: Okay.
Tommy goes back to his chair. Merton looks at the ring again and its glow is reflected in his eyes. Merton slips the ring into his pocket.
Merton: Tomorrow.
INT: Dark Room
Claudia sits Indian style on the floor in front of a pile of magic stuff. She sprinkles some power around the circle and it causes a flash.
INT: Lair
Tommy is reading a paper in his chair when he senses something.
Tommy: Merton, answer the door.
Merton: What?
There's a knock at the door, a new one that has been put in place of the big hole from episode 9. Merton gets up to open the door.
Merton: Twilight Zone.
He opens the door and Allison walks in.
Merton: Hey Ali, what are you doing here.
Allison: I don't know, I was just walking, thought I'd stop over. What are you guys doin?
Tommy: Stealing from dead people.
Merton: Well it's not really…
Allison: Cool, find anything good?
As Allison sits down, Tommy perks up and smells something in the air; He instinctively starts to smell Allison's hair.
Allison: What are you doing.
Tommy backs away, caught.
Tommy: Nothing.
Merton pulls the ring out of his pocket and shows it to her.
Allison: It's pretty but I never saw you as the ring wearing type.
Merton: Well…
Allison: Is it for me?
INT: Dark Room
Claudia picks up the picture of Merton from the first part of the show and says "No".
INT: Lair
Merton: No.
Allison: Oh.
Tommy: We're taking it back now.
Allison: Why?
Tommy: Because it doesn't belong to us.
Allison: It's not like the guy would mind, what could he use it for?
Tommy: It's the principal of the thing, Am I the only moral person here?
Merton: I guess so.
Tommy: Give it.
Merton reluctantly hands over the ring.
Tommy: Good, now let's go.
Merton: Ye merrily to the graveyard once again. You coming?
Allison: Naw, I'm kinda sick of seeing dead people.
Merton: What?
Allison: Nothing.
Merton: See ya in a bit.
Tommy and Merton walk out of the Lair, leaving Allison standing in the room.
Merton (voice from outside): Hey Allison, come out here for a second.
Allison walks out of the Lair.
EXT: The Lair, Night
Allison walks out of the house and is pulled into the shadows by two robed werewolves.
EXT: Graveyard, Night
Tommy and Merton walk into the Graveyard and up to the set of graves they were at in the beginning of the show. Tommy sniffs the air.
Tommy: What is that?
Merton: What's what?
Tommy: I don't know, something's smelled funny all night.
Merton: You think something's up?
Tommy: No, I mean literally, something smells funny.
Merton: Well don't look at me, if nothing else I pride myself on my hygiene.
Tommy: Do you remember which one it was?
Merton: I think it was that one.
He walks over to Claudia's grave and pulls out the ring.
Claudia (voice from off screen): Don't do that.
Merton: What?
He looks around but sees nothing, then goes back to the ground.
Claudia (VFOS): Stop, don't do that!
Merton pulls his arm back and sits up. We now see Tommy looking around the graveyard for whatever he sensed earlier, not paying any attention to Merton.
Claudia (VFOS): Get up.
He gets up.
Merton: This isn't normal.
Tommy: Hmm?
Merton: Nothing.
Tommy: Did you put that thing back yet?
Merton: Not really.
Tommy walks over and grabs the ring from Merton and places it on the ground.
Tommy: There, now let's go.
Tommy turns to leave just as the ring flies back up into Merton's hand. He tries to throw it back to the ground but it circles his wrist and slides onto his ring finger on it's own.
Tommy: You coming?
Merton (a tad freaked out): Yeah, just gimmie a second.
EXT: Another Part of the Park, Night
Close up on a female hand as an identical ring appears on the ring finger.
Claudia: Finally.
INT: Werewolf Syndicate
Two werewolves hold down Allison in a chair, she's tied down but she still fidgets.
Allison: Get off of me.
Wolf 1: But then you'd leave.
Allison: That's the point.
Wolf 2: The boss won't like it if we let you go, you understand.
Allison: How did you do that anyway?
Wolf 1: What, the voice thing? This dude is great with impressions. Dude, do Regis.
Wolf 2 (in an uptight, staunch accent): It's the fire pit for you rapscallions.
Wolf 1: That's hilarious!
Regis (Voice from off screen): Yes, and the irony will be even funnier when you are all in the fire pit.
Wolf 2 (backing down): Sorry.
Regis (under his breath): Rapscallions. (To the wolves): Is this the girl?
Wolf 1: It's the one you said to pick up.
He oh-so-slightly sniffs her.
Regis: It's her.
Wolf 1: So we did good?
Regis: Yes you did.
They run off and leave them alone.
Allison: What do you want from me?
Regis: You know who we are, don't you?
Allison: You're the Syndicate.
Regis: Then I'm sure you already know what we want.
She growls at him and her eyes glow.
Regis: I think you'll be very happy here, Once you get to know us.
He walks out of the room.
INT: Lair
Merton sits at his desk, trying to pull off the ring.
Claudia (Voice from off screen): It won't come off Merty.
His head jolts up to look at the owner of the voice and sees Claudia sitting in the plush chair.
Commercial Break (if this were a show, this would be where the break would be.)
Merton: Ahh!
Claudia: Hi honey.
Merton: How did you get in here?
Claudia: You invited me in.
Merton: So you're a vampire then.
Claudia: Merton, I'm not a vampire.
He holds up a cross.
Merton: Let's just see.
She grabs the cross and throws it aside. He holds up a crossbow and she does the same.
Claudia: Merton, stop this.
Merton: How do you know my name?
Claudia: You're always so paranoid.
Merton: How do you know that?
Claudia: Shhh. Maybe we should continue this in the morning when you can think straight.
She waves her hand over his face and he falls to the ground, asleep.
Claudia: You never were a night person.
INT: The Lair (In the Morning)
Merton's POV as he looks up from the bed. Claudia moves into camera, looking down at him.
Claudia: Good Morning.
Merton: It could be a lot better.
Merton gets up.
Claudia: How are you feeling?
Merton: Well, I'm not sure. A woman who I can only assume is some sort of witch…
She nods.
Merton: Is sitting in my room, asking me how I'm feeling. How am I supposed to feel?
Claudia: Confused, I'm sure.
Merton: I'm too busy with the fright issue to deal with confusion right now.
Claudia: You don't have to be afraid of me.
Merton: Deal with it, I'm afraid of a lot of things.
Claudia: I don't want to hurt you in anyway.
Merton: I think I might have sprained my wrist when I fell.
Claudia: Merton, stop.
He stops.
Claudia: It's all right, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just… want us back.
Merton: Say what?
Claudia: I think we can make it work this time.
Merton: As opposed to the other time when we didn't.
Claudia: You had stuff to work out, I understand.
Merton: You're right, I had stuff to work out, like you being insane.
Claudia: That's not nice.
Merton: Well neither is…
Claudia waves her hand and Merton is pulled to the wall by his ring hand, slamming in hard enough to knock pictures off the wall.
Merton: That.
INT: Tommy's Bedroom.
Tommy is sleeping in the bed when he jolts awake.
(Tommy's Inner Monologue)
Ever since that thing with the Werewolf Syndicate when we all went crazy, I've been having these weird nightmares. I haven't told anybody about them because I can never remember them when I wake up. It's just that feeling like someone just did an Irish jig on your grave that keeps coming in the morning.
Tommy gets out of bed and walks out of frame.
INT: Bathroom
Tommy walks into the bathroom and shuts the cabinet to reveal a mirror. He looks up and sees Lori reflected in the mirror, standing still.
(TIM): And then there's this. I'm not well versed in failed relationships, but is it normal to hallucinate about your ex-girlfriend?
He opens the cabinet to get toothpaste and when it closes, she's gone.
INT: Tommy's Bedroom
Tommy walks back in to get dressed.
(TIM): Maybe I should talk to Merton about it.
INT: The Lair
Merton sits on the couch as Claudia looks around the room.
Merton: So, you're a time traveling witch from the turn of the century, what's that like?
Claudia: It's been very enlightening. I'd always expected that you broke up with me because I was too gothic and look at what you've become. Not that it's that surprising, I mean since it was meant to be and all.
Merton: Yeah, that is very interesting, especially since I never broke up with you in the first place.
Claudia: Yes we did, you just don't remember.
Merton: Okay, then when did this happen?
Claudia: Exactly one hundred years from yesterday.
Merton: Before I was born, then.
Claudia: Well, not this you.
Merton: So it was another me? Did this one happen to be a plant clone?
Claudia: I don't know what that is.
Merton: Never mind then.
Claudia: Merton, I don't expect you to understand the nature of souls; but to make it simple, were soul mates.
Merton: Soul mates.
Claudia: Yes. Your soul was in him, and now it's in you.
Merton: And you're whacked out of you're gourd!
Claudia: I don't appreciate that.
Merton: Well I don't appreciate witches in my Lair.
Claudia: You don't want to make me angry.
Merton: Or what? You'll throw me into a wall with your magic witch powers?
Claudia glares at him and he flies back into the wall (and off screen). Claudia gets up and walks to him.
Claudia: I told you that I didn't want to hurt you, so don't make me do that again.
He gets up.
Merton: Is that all you got? Is that your only trick?
He lifts up his arms and they've become hideously deformed hooves.
Merton: Ahhhhh!
Merton falls back into the wall and faints.
INT: Tommy's Living Room
Tommy walks into the living room and prepares to walk out the door when he turns to Dean.
Tommy: Hey Dean?
Dean: Yeah bro?
Tommy: Can I ask you a question?
Dean: Sure man, what'cha need?
Tommy: I'm having some problems.
Dean: This wouldn't happen to be about a certain girl I haven't been seeing around lately, would it?
Tommy: Actually, yeah; how did you guess?
Dean: I just know these things, I've been there.
Tommy: Really? Well what happened?
Dean: Oh this girl was special, the kind you hallucinate about.
Tommy: I hear ya.
Dean: Something just went wrong and she left me. She said I was too needy, always wanting to go out and do stuff with her. Can you believe that?
He changes the channel.
Tommy: You know, I really can't. So what did you do?
Dean: I found a hobby, something to occupy my time and get me through the rough spots.
Tommy: TV?
Dean: No, whittling.
He nods to a shelf with a bunch of wooden dolls.
Tommy: Oh.
Dean: Don't worry man, you'll get through it, Dawkins men are tough.
Tommy: Yeah I guess. See ya man.
Dean: Bye.
INT: Werewolf Syndicate
Allison is thrown into Deirdre's anteroom and the door behind her slams shut. She turns around and starts to bang on the door in rage.
Allison: I swear when I get my chance I'm going to rip your throats out.
Deirdre: Such rage in this one.
Allison turns to the desk and sees Deirdre sitting down.
Allison: Yeah yeah, and the force is strong within me; I get it.
Deirdre: You can joke but I see it. There's something about you; I can smell it.
Allison: Maybe that's deodorant, I've noticed a lot of the grunt around here are lacking in the hygiene department.
Deirdre: So I see your olfactory senses are kicking in nicely.
Allison: No, I'm pretty sure anybody would pick up on it.
Deirdre: What else are you sensing?
Allison: Well, I'm sensing a pretty big creep factor coming off of you.
Deirdre: You're feisty, I like that.
Allison: I'm outta here.
Deirdre: You can't leave so you might as well sit and listen to what we have to offer you.
Allison: Look, you can just forget about the speech, I'm not gonna be evil like you, I'm gonna be good, like Tommy.
Deirdre: Tommy is a freak of nature, you will see the true path eventually.
Allison: I can be a good werewolf.
Deirdre: Oh, but you were ready and willing to rip out my minions' throats just a minute ago.
Allison: Spur of the moment, empty threat.
Deirdre: You have an explanation for everything don't you? Or should I say a rationalization?
Allison: Go to hell.
Deirdre: Yes, we all do eventually. You know, now that I think about it, you might get something good out of a night on the town.
Allison: You're letting me go?
Deirdre: We'll have a girl's night. Shall I call the limo?
Allison seems apprehensive at first but then smiles.
Allison: Does it have a minibar?
EXT: Pleasantville
We see the day turn into night at rapid-fire speed.
INT: The Lair
Merton paces around the Lair as Claudia watches him from the chair.
Merton: Okay Merton, calm down, everything's fine, you've just grown giant monster hooves.
Claudia: It's your own fault.
Merton: How is this my fault?
Claudia: You made me mad, my powers flare up during intense emotion.
Merton: Well, couldn't you have given me a tail, something I could hide?
Merton starts to cringe and his forehead grows horns.
Merton: How am I going to go to school like this?
Claudia: You're not going anywhere anyway until we work this out.
Merton: What's to work out, you've turned me into a goat!
Claudia: Ogre actually.
Merton: Oh, well in that case…turn me back now!
Claudia: Oh fine, you were always like this.
Merton (as the Ogre appendages retract): No I wasn't, well I was but you never saw it.
Claudia: You know, I think we should go out, maybe dancing.
Merton: Oh no, I am not taking you out clubbing; if I had friends, they would kill me.
Claudia: You have friends, what about that strapping football player?
Merton: Tommy? (A plan dawns on him) Yeah lets go out.
Claudia looks at him, confused about the sudden change in attitude.
Merton: Um, honey?
EXT: The Lair, Night
Merton opens the passenger side door for Claudia and runs around to get in the driver side.
Merton (to himself): Tommy, you better be there.
INT: Factory
Close up on Tommy's face, contorted in a foul grimace. We pan down to reveal he has just chugged down a very bitter drink, and by the turned over glass by him, he has had many.
Tommy: Give me another.
Phil (Behind the counter): Don't you think you've had enough?
Tommy: Do I have to say it?
Phil: Yeah, it's not me, it's the owners.
Tommy: Fine, I'll tell you when I've had enough!
Phil: Thanks a lot, we're required to ask every few hours.
Phil passes down the drink and moves along.
Tommy (looking down at his drink): Nice hobby, Tommy boy.
Someone passes by and breezes past Tommy's shoulder. He turns around and sees the back of a head that looks remarkably like Lori's head. He runs up to her and taps her on the shoulder.
Tommy: Lori?
She turns around and he deflates when he sees that it is someone else with the same hair cut.
Tommy: Sorry, you know that hair's really not good on you.
Girl: Jerk.
She walks off.
Tommy (to himself): Idiot!
Voice from off screen: Hey Tommy.
Tommy turns around and we see…Stacy Hanson of all people, standing behind Tommy with a drink in her hands.
Stacy: I ordered what you got, I hope it's good.
Tommy: Actually it's what pure evil must taste like, what are you doing here.
Stacy: Nice to see you too Tommy.
Tommy: No I mean, it's great to see you…really.
Stacy: Enthusiasm abounds.
Tommy: Really, it's…you look great.
Stacy: Thanks, you do too, in a freaked out sort of way.
Tommy: It's just kind of a shock. How's college?
Stacy: It's good. I changed my major to nursing.
Tommy: That's good cause nursing is good…I mean we can always use more nurses cause were all getting sicker all the time and I'm babbling aren't I?
Stacy: A little bit.
Tommy: You wanna sit down and talk in coherent and easy to follow sentences.
Stacy: Sure, that's always fun.
EXT: The Park, Night
Two lovebirds sit on a park bench. We pan out to see the bushes beyond where Deirdre and Allison hide out and watch.
Allison: What are we doing here?
Deirdre: Watching.
Allison: This is a werewolf girl's night? I'd hate to see what a bachelorette party's like for you gals.
Deirdre: Us gals. You're one of us now, or you could be.
Allison: I already told you, I'm not…
Deirdre: Shhh, it's just getting good.
The lovebirds start to get up and walk down the park.
Deirdre: Time for the hunt.
EXT: Another Part of the Park, Later That Night
The couple is walking down the street and cuddling. They hear a rustling in the bushes.
Girl: What was that?
Guy: It was probably just a squirrel or something.
Girl: The guy always says that and then I end up monster chow.
Guy: Don't be ridiculous.
Girl: What did you call me?
Guy: Nothing, let's just go.
Girl: You called me ridiculous.
Guy: You're hanging on by a thread, Missy.
They walk off screen and Deirdre sneaks into frame, snarling with anticipation. She leaps off screen toward the couple and we hear screaming, slobbering and chopping noises. Allison walks up, staring at the carnage with a mix of horror and intrigue on her face.
INT: The Factory
Merton and Claudia enter the Factory. Claudia's eyes lock onto the dance floor as Merton searches frantically for Tommy. He finds him with a girl.
On the other side of the room, Tommy and Stacy are sitting at a table and talking.
Stacy: So what have you been doing all this time?
Tommy: Nothing much, just hanging around with my football buddies, having' some laughs.
Lori pokes her head into the conversation, an extra voice that only Tommy recognizes and sees.
Lori: Don't forget killing doctors.
Tommy bursts into loud and inappropriate laughter for about a full minute.
Stacy: You okay?
Tommy: Yeah I'm fine, it's just…good times.
Stacy: So are you seeing anybody.
Tommy: Not really.
Lori: You see me don't you Tommy?
Stacy: Cause I was thinking we could maybe go out again sometime.
Lori: You're not gonna cheat on me, are you Tommy?
Tommy: We could do that, sure.
Merton runs up to the table.
Merton: Tommy, quick, you have to help me (to Stacy) hey Stacy. Can we…
He looks at her.
Merton: Did I just go back in time?
Stacy: What?
Merton: Oh crap, the witch sent me back in time.
Stacy: Who you calling a witch?
Merton: Not you.
Tommy: Merton, what's this about?
Merton: We have a problem of a Wizard of Oz proportions.
Tommy: Can't this wait?
Merton: No, I'm afraid it can't.
Claudia swoops in and grabs Merton's hand.
Claudia: I wanna dance.
Merton: Gee man, thanks for your help.
Claudia drags him off.
Tommy: That was weird.
Stacy: Well, weird and Merton are synonyms. Did he say witch, as in Pleasantville sorority witches.
Tommy: Don't worry, it'll settle itself out.
Stacy: Can we talk somewhere more private?
Tommy: Sure, what do you want to talk about?
Stacy: I want to talk about us.
Tommy: There can be us?
Stacy: Maybe.
Tommy jumps into action.
Tommy: come on, get your coat, let's go.
They get up to leave but stop when they see a crowd clear around the dance floor. They are shocked to find Merton and Claudia dancing, Merton like a more adept Fred Astaire.
Stacy: Wow.
Tommy: Wow indeed. Can you wait up a minute?
Stacy: Sure.
The couple stops dancing and Merton retreats to the bar, exhausted. Tommy joins him as he gets his drink.
Tommy: Hey man, great moves.
Merton: It's all her.
Tommy: Don't be modest, you kicked that dance floor's ass.
Merton: No, I mean it's all her. Tommy, she's a witch and she's cast her witcheepoo mamma jamma on me.
Tommy: That just sounds dirty.
Merton: You have to help me.
Tommy: Why is this witch after you.
Merton: Isn't it obvious, I mean, look at me.
Tommy: So why is this witch after you.
Merton: Thanks for the ego stroke Tommy, really appreciate that time.
Stacy comes up behind Tommy.
Stacy: Come on Tommy, let's go.
Tommy: Sure Stacy, I'll just be a minute.
Stacy: Don't be long.
She leaves.
Merton: Hey, what's with that?
Tommy: She's back from college.
Merton: And you two are going at it already?
Tommy: There's gonna be us.
Merton: Us action, good for you. Of course the only us action I can get is an evil witch who thinks I'm her soul mate.
Tommy: What should we do about that whole mess.
Merton: I opt for getting inappropriately violent and wolfy.
Tommy: You got it man, just give me a few hours with my girl.
He gets up to leave.
Merton: But she's evil and witchy.
Tommy: It's not like she wants you dead or anything.
Claudia comes up behind Merton and he jumps.
Claudia: I want another dance.
Merton: She might as well want me dead.
Claudia drags him off.
EXT: Park, Night
A woman limps off screen, holding her bloody leg; Allison comes up, her hair going in all directions and a spot of blood on her lips. Deirdre walks on camera, amused and showing it.
Deirdre: Good hunt, my dear. Now finish her off.
Allison turns around and looks ferocious, devoid of humanity, then runs after the woman. Allison runs past and the camera stops at Tommy and Stacy who stop at the gazebo. Allison watches from the bushes as they sit down.
EXT: Gazebo, Night
Stacy leans her head on Tommy's shoulder. Tommy seems agitated.
Tommy: Maybe we should get back.
Stacy: No let's stay.
Tommy's eyes glow.
Tommy: No, I really think we should get in.
Tommy gets up and starts to pull her up. She starts to pull him back.
Tommy: Come on, it's getting dark, we could get mugged.
Stacy: Is this about you being a werewolf?
Tommy: No it's…what?
He lets go and she drops to the ground.
Tommy: Sorry.
He helps her up.
Tommy: What?
Stacy: I know you're the werewolf, Tommy.
Tommy: How?
Stacy: You're not exactly super sly about it. Even Clark Kent took off the reporter's outfit. You're letterman jacket was a dead give away.
Tommy: So somebody finally noticed that.
Stacy: It's all right, I can deal with a little extra body hair.
Tommy: That's great!…But why didn't you say anything before.
Stacy: I don't know, I guess I was just confused then, but I get it now.
Tommy starts to laugh to himself.
Stacy: What's so funny?
Tommy: Nothing, it's just that when I think of the time I could have been spending with you and…wait a minute, do you smell that?
Stacy: What?
She starts to get fidgety.
Tommy: I don't know, I've been smelling it all day. It's like a stale fishy smell. Merton swears he doesn't notice it. What's wrong with you.
Stacy: Nothing I just…I have to go.
She starts to run away but he pulls away.
Tommy: What's wrong, you said you were fine with my…condition.
Stacy: Just get off me, okay. (the words "off me, okay" are garbled as her voice changes to a horrible snarl.
Tommy (letting go of her hand REAL quick): Whoa, that's not right.
Stacy turns her and reveals her face to have changed into that of a fish monster, the same kind as in the beginning of the episode.
Tommy: And that's so wrong I can hardly breathe.
The fish monster jumps and attacks him. Tommy throws her back, thus covering up the cut between human Tommy and werewolf Tommy.
Tommy: This is just great, every time something good happen to me, it turns into a big ugly fish monster that wants to kill me.
The beast shrieks.
Tommy: Who sent you guys, Merton's twin? The shadowy government agency? Who?
The monster jumps and Tommy slams it into a tree.
Tommy: I want answers…
The monster melts into goop in Tommy's hands.
Tommy:…But what I really want is for you to melt into goop in my hands. Yuck! Every time.
He screams.
Tommy: Dammit! How can I get conflict resolution with a pile of sludge?
He wipes it on a tree.
Tommy: Unsanitary.
Suddenly he remembers something.
Tommy: Merton.
INT: The Lair
Merton and Claudia are fighting and things are literally flying around the room as Claudia gets angrier.
Claudia: How can you say that to me.
Merton: Maybe because I don't like you at all and don't genuinely feel for you emotionally.
Claudia: That's it, I have had all I can take.
Claudia blasts him and he goes under the desk.
EXT: Street, Night
Tommy is huffing it to Merton's.
Tommy: Stupid, stupid, stupid.
The camera moves down to a ways behind Tommy where Deirdre and Allison are following.
INT: The Lair
Merton is sitting at the table, only it's only Merton in the strictest sense. That last blast had fully formed him into the Ogre form. Claudia is facing away from the far wall which now has another hole in it, though not as big as the first one.
Merton: So this is my life. Some big evil comes to town and I get turned into something freaky.
Claudia: It's your own fault.
Merton: You keep saying that but you're the one with the bitchin' magic blasts.
Claudia: I'm sorry but I warned you, you shouldn't get me angry like that.
Merton: Look Claudia, can we talk.
Claudia: Sure.
She sits down. (Note: To point out the absurdity, Merton and Claudia are about to have a serious talk about their relationship while Merton looks incredibly stupid in the Ogre make-up.
Merton: Look, I think you know as well as I do that this will never work out.
Claudia: What are you talking about?
Merton: This isn't a healthy relationship. We fight, you zap me, we make up. It's dangerous for both of us…but mainly me.
Claudia: But we're meant for each other.
Merton: I'm sorry but I don't see it that way.
Claudia gets up.
EXT: Outside the Lair
Tommy runs up and into the Lair. Allison and Deirdre come up next and look into the hole. Allison sees Merton and gasps; she runs away.
Deirdre: Wait!
Deirdre runs after her.
INT: The Lair
Tommy comes in and see the room is empty.
Tommy: Merton? You here man?
He starts to walk around and look for him.
Tommy: You won't believe it dude, my girlfriend turned into a fish. Weird huh?
Merton: Tommy!
He sees Merton huddled in a corner (so he doesn't see what he looks like).
Tommy: Oh, hey Merton, what are you doing down there?
Claudia comes up behind him and her hand starts charging up with magical flame. Tommy narrowly dodges the blast and turns around.
Tommy: And you would be the witch I've been hearing so much about.
Claudia: That's right.
She shoots at him again and the fight begins.
Tommy: listen here Miss I'm A Witch So I Can Cast A Spell on My Best Friend, you want to hurt him, you have to get through me.
Merton: Thanks Tommy.
Tommy: Don't mention it (he sees his friend the ogre)…what the bleeding hell happened to you!
Merton: Witcheepoo mamma jamma.
Claudia's eyes flare up red and she attacks, blasting Tommy with fiery lasers. Tommy dodges and a fight ensues. They trade blows until Merton gets up and picks up a vile of white powder.
Merton: I hope this works.
He throws the powder at Claudia and she turns to him.
Claudia: What the…
She falls to the ground, fainted.
Tommy: What was that?
Merton: Magical neutralizer, picked some up last week at a yard sale.
Tommy: Good thinking.
Merton: It'll wear off in a bit so we might want to tie her up.
They both look down at her and realize that that's too gross.
Both in unison: Nah.
EXT: Junkyard, Night
Allison walks into the junkyard and follows a familiar scent into the center near the Leader's supposed grave.
Allison: Hello?
She hears a sound behind her and turns around.
Allison: I know you're there.
The ghostly whispers startle her and turn her around to meet a figure rising from the rubble. The shadow forms into the Leader, his black robe billowing behind him like Spawn's computer animated cape.
Leader: Yes child, I'm here.
They stare at each other in a confrontation, neither one showing signs of emotion.
INT: The Lair
Tommy, Merton, and Claudia are sitting in the Lair; calmly talking without any magic sparks flying.
Claudia: But I gave up my entire life for you.
Merton: No, you gave up your entire life for him and I'm sorry but I can't do anything about that.
Claudia: I think I understand.
Merton: Good.
A voice booms as if from nowhere.
Malkaia's Voice: No, no, no! This is not good.
The portal opens and Malkaia jumps out.
Claudia: Uh oh.
Tommy: Is this the demon?
Malkaia: No, I'm the mailman.
Tommy: Okay, sarcasm was warranted.
Malkaia: I shouldn't have made that weasel break up with you in the first place; waste of a perfectly good hundred years.
Claudia: What?
Malkaia: The higher-ups are gonna kill me, literally.
Merton: Look man, I don't know what you want here but you might as well just get back in your little portal and go back where you came from.
Malkaia flicks his wrist and Merton flies across the room.
Tommy: Hey, nobody doe that to…
Claudia: You bastard!
Tommy looks back at Claudia, her eyes are glowing red and wind is blowing her hair back.
Claudia: You ruined my life!
She leaps at him and they both go back into the portal.
Portal's POV as Tommy and Merton watch Claudia kick the demon's ass off screen in the other dimension. They wince several times and cracking and punching sounds can be heard. Claudia comes back out halfway.
Claudia: I'm just gonna let out a little anger here.
Merton: Whatever you need, take your time.
Merton and Tommy walk away from the portal.
Merton: I'm gonna miss her.
Tommy: But she was a witch who bound you to her obsessive will.
Merton: Yeah but still, she was kinda hot.
Tommy: That she was my friend, that she was.
Merton: So you want to go to the Factory?
Tommy: Sure but what are we gonna do about this big gaping hole into nothingness?
Merton leans into the hole.
INT: Hole
Merton's head dips inside, looks around, than goes back out.
INT: Lair
Merton comes back out and shrugs. The portal closes up.
Merton: Well there it goes.
Tommy: Glad that's over.
Merton: Yeah, but I kinda feel sorry for her, ya know?
Tommy: Hey Merton, you ever think about Lori at all?
Merton: Huh?
Tommy turns to the camera and his wolf face melts into it's human visage; his jaw drops in shock.
Tommy's POV, Becky is standing by the stares with the same shocked expression.
Merton: Tommy?
Merton turns to look.
Merton: Oh.
THE END
