Follow the Purple Prose Road!
Follow the Purple Prose Road!

Buffy and Dawn strolled languorously down the violet-hued path, their arms interlocked, but their spirits distanced by a gulf a mile wide and ten fathoms down, with a frigid lake of cerulean blue at its depths. The elder girl, her bob of dark hair slightly feathered by the caress of the warm breeze, wore a grim expression as she pondered the task at hand.... How many times in her young life had she been called upon to throw herself into the fray, grunting, kicking, and perspiring thick dewey beads of sweat, all to save the lives of the innocent, the ignorant, the uninformed but reasonably innocuous?.... How many times had her dear, sweet sister, she of the cherubic cheeks and baby-soft, pettable hair, her limbs once chubby and childish, then lanky and awkward, now finally elongated and graceful like the soft, sweet neck of a swan, been the recipient of her elder sister's efforts?.... How long could one sentence, roundabout and convoluted, supplemented with verbose verbiage and excessive ellipses, oddly detailed tangents and jarring changes of tone from calm to violent to pleasant to satirical, and prolonged examples that serve only to illustrate one minute detail (not to mention parenthetical phrases, which, in their essential parenthetical nature, tend to veer inexorably away, like a cool rocky mountain spring trickling slowly into the stream in the verdant rolling foothills, onward still to the mighty river, rushing and churning in its rapids, flowing finally into the calm mass of the ocean, with its gently rolling waves, salt spray, pirate ships, and marine life like sea stars, kelp, shrimp, tuna, sharks, walruses, and penguins, from the topic at hand), go on?

Buffy stepped off the purple path.

As her effulgent, shiny hair cascaded down her back and over her long, graceful limbs, Dawn, still awash in the warm sunlight and gentle breeze, continued ambling forward as she considered the novel sensation of being far, far away from the familiar haunts of Sunnydale (for in her two years as a living, breathing human being, she'd never once ventured farther than Los Angeles; though she had many sepia-tinged memories of other bright days that had never been, or perhaps had been, but without her in them; the summer in Hawaii when she was four and Buffy, sweet Buffy, was an innocent, rosy-cheeked nine-year-old... together they'd splashed in the gently rolling turquoise waves of the grandest of oceans, with its salt spray, pirate ships, and marine life like penguins, sharks, walruses--

Dawn, get off that road this instant, Buffy demanded. And what the hell is up with your arms--are you growing fur?

Dawn shrieked and hopped off to the side of the road, rubbing her arms furiously. They were covered with fine, silky brown hair. Oh, Goddess. I'm growing fur! What kind of whacked-out dimension is this?

It's not so bad.

Buffy looked around. What? Who said that?

Just me. Just sayin', there's a lot of good things in this world. Buffy finally caught sight of the source of the deep, seductive, British-accented voice that distinctly reminded her of Spike's: a scarecrow strung up in an adjoining field. he continued, looking Buffy up and down appraisingly, You should stick around. It's a right pleasure, gettin' stuffed. He paused a moment, to allow the sexual innuendo to sink in. With fresh straw, that is, if you're a scarecrow like me. Blimey, there's so much in this world to appreciate, watchin' all the pretty birds flutterin' about in the sky. Wish I could just reach out and touch The scarecrow licked his lips, and Buffy nearly melted. He went on, Watchin' all the pretty birds struttin' their assets down that Purple road you've just come off. Wish I could just reach out and--

Before he could finish the thought, Buffy, totally helpless against her hormones, hopped the fence and pressed her body tight against the scarecrow, her right hand drifting downward as her left clutched the man's head and pulled his ear to her lips. Why don't you, then? came her sultry whisper.

Can't. I'm neutered.

Neutered?! What the hell kind of lame storyline is that?

Dunno, pet. Oh, the things I could do to you. Make you scream. But I haven't got a cock.

Tell me, Buffy whispered huskily, still completely in the thrall of her hormones. What would you do to me?

Let me down from this post first, would you, love? Cor, I'm getting stiff up here, but not in a particularly useful way, if you know what I mean. Judging by the lust-glazed look in the slayer's eyes as she helped the high-cheekboned dummy down from the post, she understood all too well.

Right then, what would I do to you? he smirked, raising his eyebrow in a sexy way.

Dawn interjected, Try to keep it R-rated, buddy, I'm still just a kid.

The Scarecrow ignored her and started singing.

I could while away the hours,
Conferrin' with your
Gettin' hard as rock.
Then my back you'd be scratchin' while
Your breath was a-catchin'
If I only had a cock.

I'd devour that sweet honey
That pours out of your cunny,
Then shag til you can't walk.


Buffy joined in.

I gotta say I'm hopin'
That you'll lick my puckered openin'
Whether or not you have a cock.

Oh, I would suck you dry
Then screw you by the shore.

The Scarecrow continued.

We'd try positions that you've never seen before.
And then we'll eat, then shag some more.

I'd teach you the meaning of stuffin'
When we filmed scenes wearing nothing,
I'd need the biggest sock.
I would dance and be merry,
I would pop your cherry,
If I only had a cock.

Buffy sighed. Good song. Hey, we're on our way to see the Wizard named Oz. Maybe he could help you get a cock. Or at least recommend someplace in the Precious String City to buy a decent dildo. In the meantime, you could still attend to my pleasure...

The Scarecrow nodded eagerly, and he and Buffy linked arms and began skipping down the Purple Prose Road, singing.

We're off to see the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard named Oz...

Dawn, whose shiny brown fur had thickened considerably in the meantime, lagged behind for a moment. Did they completely forget that I'm even here? I'm 15, and I so should not have heard that. Does anyone in the whole world even care that I exist?! she cried, then ran to catch up with her sister and her new companion.

***************************************


Oh, I care, Key-puppy, I care, Glory sighed into the swirly red image of her crystal ball. I'm just contractually obligated to draw this plot out over an extended period of time. Just you wait, eventually I'll get off my ass and abduct you to suit my needs. In the meantime, how long is this avocado masque supposed to stay on? Soon this thing's going to turn me permanently green!