Previously on Somewhere Under the Fault Line...

As foretold by the prophecy in the renowned Mrmfrrrd Report, Buffy and Dawn both tried to kill themselves, kicking and screaming and hair-pulling along the way. Er, that is, they fell into a fissure that led to an alternate dimension known as the Land of Oz. They set off down the Purple Prose road and met some eerily familiar characters along the journey:

-Spikecrow, a hard-bodied British straw man who doesn't have a cock, but oh the things he could do if he did...

-Tin Willow, a MALE NOW! redhead made of metal who is addicted! to oil.

-Furry Xander, a very puffy, very hungry lion.


Now everybody's trying to get to the Precious String City where the Wizard named Oz will grant them their hearts' desire.

Oh, and Dawn got transformed into an overgrown dog and abducted by Glory's warty monkey-tailed minions. Nobody noticed.


**********************************


"Hey, I think this is it!" Tin Willow exclaimed, panting heavily because he was an addict.

"Mnph mway," Furry Xander mumbled in response. He chewed and swallowed. "Oh, God.--"

"Goddess," Tin Willow corrected.

"--I thought there would be a whole lot more wacky hijinks before we got anywhere close to Precious String City." Furry Xander shook from fear. Tin Willow shook from withdrawal. Both looked up in wonder because indeed, before them stood a vast city, its skyscrapers sparkling glimmering green, with thin leather and cotton ropes wound around them and stretched between them like tightwires. The city's conversion from an emerald-based to a string-based economy was clearly not complete.

"Buffy, what should we do? The gates are closed."

"Huh?" Buffy extracted her tongue from Spikecrow's ear canal and spit out the errant pieces of straw. "Oh, we're here? Honey, put me down, I can't do anything up here."

"Hardly fair, is it?" Spikecrow responded. "I've been 'up' here for the whole bleedin' journey, I've done plenty for you. Cor!" Buffy jumped down and decked Spikecrow for no apparent reason. "Bollocks, it's no use makin' with the sexual innuendo when everybody knows it's all talk. 'Cause I 'aven't got a cock, see? Balls!"

"Aw, you've got those, silly!" Buffy ribbed playfully as she nuzzled his cheek in the same spot where she'd punched him not a moment before.

Furry Xander took a momentary break from eating.

"So, listen, Buffy, what should we do?" Tin Willow asked, impatiently shaking with need for the oil that must be available within city limits. "There's a gate, and it's closed."

"Did you try knocking?" Buffy responded. Spikecrow smirked at that and leaned in close to whisper in Buffy's ear.

"Knocking, right," Tin Willow affirmed. "I can do that." And he knocked on the door to the city.

The gate swung open. A guard stood at the entryway, his thick folds of loose skin barely covered by the string bikini he wore. "Visitors! Welcome to our city!"

"Clem?!" Buffy cried, incredulous. "What are you doing here? And, in a string bikini?" Spikecrow pulled Buffy closer, jealous that she was responding to another man showing so much skin, more skin than Spikecrow even had to show, in fact.

"I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met, although you seem to know my name somehow," Clem replied. "But won't you please make yourselves at home in our city?"

"I'm Buffy? You came to my birthday party, then you couldn't leave?" Clem shook his head, apologetic. "Great, we've got an alterna-Clem, too. Except this one's still named Clem. Can this get any weirder?"

As the four travelers proceeded through the gates into the city square, they found themselves surrounded by townspeople, men and women alike, large and small, young and old, all dressed in string bikinis. Within a moment of sighting the visitors, the townspeople burst into song.

"That's such an old joke," Buffy sighed, "I really should have known better."

Death, death, death!

They sang,

Pain, pain, pain!
And a mind-rape mutinous,
That's why we cry the day away
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss.
Lies, lies, lies,
Secrets, too,
And a fling that's scandalous,
That's how this season's drama plays
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss.
We flip out and try to kill all of our friends,
Can't we kill ourselves before this madness ends?
Oh, what a trend!

Death, death, death!
Pain, pain, pain!
And a mind-rape mutinous,
That's why we cry the day away,
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss.
Death, death, death,
Pain, pain pain,
(Death, death, death, death!)
And a mind-rape mutinous,
That's why we cry the day away,
With some death death death!
Pain pain pain!
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss.

Good deeds here,
Save lives there,
But you're morally ambiguous.
That's why we made up demon eggs
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss.

Power trips here,
Insecurities there,
But recovery's more virtuous.
That's why the magic addiction's here
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss.

It will take a lot to tie up these loose ends.
Will we lose our edge like
ER or like Friends?
Maybe!
Oh, what a trend!

Short quip here,
Exposition there,
Ignore our everyman--no big loss!
Who needs that relief anyway
From the Angsty Old Land of Joss! -- Death!

Death death death-
Pain pain pain-
Death death death death-
Death!
That's why we cry the day away
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss
And a death death death,
Death death death death death
Death death death death death death death death
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss
Death death death pain pain pain--
In the Angsty Old Land of Joss!


Buffy, Spikecrow, Tin Willow, and Furry Xander stood in stunned silence for a long moment. "Well," Buffy broke the silence, "that was..."

"Depressing," Tin Willow finished.

"Actually, I was going to say, illogical. Wasn't this the Land of Oz at the beginning of the story--um, journey? You know, named after the Wizard named Oz? And an awful lot of that song just didn't make sense in the context of our, um, journey, you know?"

"Hush, now, love," Spikecrow soothed. "Have a little cultural sensitivity. 'Round these parts, standard practice is for people just to ignore all the plot holes so as not to draw attention to 'em. Then later on they might bring 'em up in a self-referential, jokey kind of way, but I think I've got that about covered by now, eh? Now give us a kiss and let's pretend this whole thing never happened. Cor!"

And so, Buffy and Spikecrow kissed as the travelers entered Precious String City.