"Dawn!" Buffy cried as she broke down the door to Glory's chamber, a pile of warty monkey minion corpses in her wake. Oz, Tin Willow, and the others filed in behind her, and the group stood by the door, facing the Wicked Bitch, who held an oversized puppy in a tight headlock at the opposite end of the room.

"So you finally remembered me," Dawn intoned sullenly. "Just in time for Glory to try to kill me. Again."

Glory gently stroked Dawn's shiny, luxuriant brown fur. "Oh, Key-puppy, it's nothing personal. I'm just trying to get home. I don't much care who I have to kill to get there. Now hold still a minute." With each stroke of Dawn's hair, she chanted, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home." In an instant, a violent red vortex swirled up around Glory's shiny red stiletto heels, pulling her and her warty minions (corpses and all) down into it. "A ha!" Glory cackled as she melted out of sight, "That's so much more efficient than the whole ritual bloodletting thing!"

And she was gone.

That's it?" Tin Willow questioned, incredulous. "That was the Wicked Bitch? Did anybody even care what happened to her? She didn't even kill anyone. I would've made a better Wicked Bitch than that." Tin Willow sank into the chair at Glory's abandoned vanity table and examined himself in the mirror. "Come to think of it, I feel like I really should have been a wicked bitch or something. You know, great big bad force of darkness. This Tin Man with an addiction thing is kind of a copout, dontcha think?

"Oh, Tin Willow, it's never too late," Buffy soothed. "Your story could change all of a sudden, really late in the game. You never really know, y'know? Some day you might just fall off the wagon and slick a lot of crude oil on top of your head to signify that the petroleum products have taken over your body and soul or something crazy like that."

"Mmm hmmmm," Tin Willow nodded, mesmerized by the thought of bathing in all that crude oil.

"Hey, that reminds me," Buffy said. "Oz, I promised all my friends here that you would try to help them with their problems. Now, I know you're not really a wizard, but you're still one of the smartest people I know. Do you think you could try to help?"

"I'll give it my best shot," Oz nodded.

"'Ere, me first," Spikecrow stepped up, "I've been hangin' about the longest. But not hangin' so well." He raised an eyebrow and smirked, but received no response. "Right then, see, trouble is, I haven't got a cock. Got this whole little song and dance number, if you like." He cleared his throat. "I could while away the hours--"

"No need for that," Oz cut him off, already understanding the problem because he was so remarkably intelligent. "It's really all very simple. Only porn stars and hens have 'cocks.' You're not a porn star."

"But Buffy said that I--"

"Please don't finish that sentence," Oz cut him off again, mercifully sparing everyone present from hearing details no clean-minded person would care to know. "You might have a penis, Spikecrow; I haven't looked. But you're never going to have a cock."

"Bloody hell!" Spikecrow shouted, enraged. "I'm never going to have what it takes to please this bleeding woman! That's it. I'm going to Antarctica. Maybe somebody there can give me a cock."

"Antarctica?!" Buffy exclaimed. "You're leaving me to go to some lame ass continent that has nothing to do with anything because you think that's what I want? Whatever, Spikecrow. Have fun with the penguins." But he was already gone.

"One down," Tin Willow intoned ominously from his seat at the vanity table.

"Huh?"

"My turn now!" he expanded, jumping up to face Oz and Buffy. "Oz, please, I need some oil, very badly. I'm all squeaky and rusty. I need it, I really, really need it bad!" He stretched out his wavering hands in supplication. "So bad I've got the shakes, see?"

"Tin Willow," Oz sighed, grasping the other man's shaking hands in his own. "I don't think oil is what you really need. I think maybe you crave oil because you're sublimating your true desire for love."

Tin Willow stammered and looked away, "N-n-no, I don't think that's it. I think I need oil. Hear that squeak? I'm not sublimating any desire for love."

"Gay love?" Oz whispered, intertwining his fingers with the tin man's. Their eyes met, random romantic music swelled in the background, and they embraced. "I love you, Tin Willow."

"I love you, Oz."

"It's so sweet!" Buffy sobbed into Dawn's shoulder. "Just when my love life is falling apart, theirs is just beginning!"

"Why can't I ever find a gay lover in an alternate dimension?" Dawn whined. Buffy shot her a look. "Yeah, okay, I went a step too far with the complaining that time, even I'll admit that. But I still think I'm owed a big-time apology about the puppy dog thing."

Oz and Tin Willow stepped back from their embrace and held each other for a moment at arm's length. "What about Furry Xander?" Oz inquired. "Didn't he want my help with something?"

"Furry Xander!" Buffy called, still sniffling slightly. "Where did he go?"

Dawn sniffed the air as casually as she could. "He's hiding over there, behind the door," she said. "Dog, remember? I'm still waiting for my apology."

Sure enough, Buffy pulled Furry Xander out from behind the door and deposited him in front of Oz. "Go on, tell Oz why you came here." Furry Xander just sat, quivering, on the floor as phantom images from long ago swirled in his mind.

"Bring me a rich, meaty giraffe, or do not dare to show your face here! I should have mated a lioness who could provide for me!"

"I tried, sir, truly, I--"

"Your meager offerings do not please me! Take your furry little runt and get out of my sight!"


Furry Xander stammered, "N-n-no, I won't, I can't ask him. I won't be so cruel, Oz is good to me, please, no."

"You came all this way, and now that the moment is here you're afraid to ask for what you want because you think it will be cruel to me?" Oz questioned. "That doesn't make any sense at all. I want to be your friend, Furry Xander. Please tell me what's going on in your mind."

"M-m-mama!" Furry Xander blubbered, "Z-zebra, get out, he c-c-called me furry little r-r-r." He broke into incoherent sobs.

"Huh. So, you wanna talk about some of this kittenhood trauma and possibly deal with some of your troubles instead of just running away? C'mon back to the townhouse with me and Tin Willow. Everybody in Precious String City keeps making me Beefy Noodle Casserole day and night because they think I like it, so we'll have plenty to eat while we talk things out."

Furry Xander looked up at Oz through tear-filled eyes. "Can I be your new gay lover, too?" He grinned. "Kidding, only kidding. But thank you. That sounds wonderful." Furry Xander, Tin Willow, and Oz proceeded toward the door to leave Glory's castle behind for good, content in their new arrangement.

"Hold on," Buffy interrupted. "Oz, it's wonderful that you were able to step in and solve everybody's problems with relatively little build up or conflict, and I thank you for that, but--what about me?" Dawn cleared her throat, although it came out as more of a yelp. "Me and the puppy? Glory used the Key, so now we're stuck here. And there's no Slayer in Sunnydale, and there's no Giles here. This is like Hell. I need to get home. Surely you have another miraculous solution up your sleeve."

Oz turned back to face Buffy. "What makes you think Dawn isn't the Key anymore? What kind of keys do you know that stop working after you use them once?"

"Well, that is a good point," Buffy conceded.

"You saw how the Wicked Bitch used the Key to return to her home dimension. You know what to do. Come on back to the house with us. We'll catch up a bit more, and then you can go home as soon as you feel ready."

"Thanks, Oz," Buffy grinned. "You really have solved all of our problems. You're even more helpful than Riley's wi--no, wait, I mean, you've been really, really helpful. Y'know, I'm kinda short on money--nah, never mind, I'd never ask for help with that." With the discussion thus concluded, Buffy linked arms with the trio by the door, all of whom promptly un-linked in order to fit through the door. And so they pranced back to Precious String City, little Dawn Puppy scampering behind, all singing,

We all adore the Wizard
The wonderful Wizard named Oz!


*****************************

Late that evening, after all the emotional goodbyes had been said, Oz and Tin Willow cuddled together on the couch while Furry Xander curled up, finally sated, in his new hammock. Buffy stood by the door, her arm wrapped around Dawn's furry shoulders.

"So I guess this is it."

"Ready to go home, Dawn?" The puppy nodded. Buffy gently stroked her fur, chanting, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home. . . ."