Live, from Madison Square Gardens…

The Tekken Talent Show!!! (Or The Tekken Play 2: The Sequel).

By Tekkenicus, the notified, qualified, bona fide (no jokes) person of the year (but to who is a mystery)

Me: Welcome to another rendition of the Tekken Talent Show (otherwise known as the Tekken Play). We didn't want it to be repeated but as soon as we heard there was extra money in it then we agreed

Kazuya (Kaz): Speak for yourself!!

Me: Hey, you already had enough money when we did the MTV (2) Awards! I didn't get anything! Apart from a collection of my favourite anime's, mmmmmmm, Matako Kusanagi (of Ghost in The Shell™ fame)…

Kaz: …(looking at Tek in a weird way)

Me: Anyway, our first act is…er…(reads bit of paper)…an Iranian Chocolate Nosebladder Swipe Pod Eimagonnad pronounced 'I'm a gonad' Fish with Chips (or Fries if this reaches America) and a Mountain Dew?

Heihachi (Hei): Sorry, that's my fish n' chip shop order

Me: Of all the papers in the world, I had to get your fish n' chip (or fries) shop list

Yoshimitsu (Yoshi): Play it again Sam!

Steve Fox (Steve): My name is Steve!

Me: Last I heard it was Dean Earwhicker!

(Everyone laughs)

Hei: BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! EARWHICKER???????

Kaz: Earbiter more like! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHE

Santa Claus: HO HO HO!

Steve: I'm not gonna do my act now anymore!

Me: Awwwww, C'mon! We were only kidding around! Do your act!

Steve: Ok, my act is an interpretive dance act

Everyone: ……eh?

Steve: You heard me!

Me: Erm, interpretive dance?

Steve: Yeah, interpretive dance!

Me: Er, okkkk. Listen, how bout you wait till after the last act

Steve: But that would make me the last act!

Me: Exactly! Now, this next act up is Ling Xiaoyu balancing some plates on stilts

Hwoarang (Hwoar): Nah, how 'bout something talented? Like, oh I dunno, MY GROUP MON-DAY?

Jin: Your group? Talented? My grandfather on the toilet makes better music then that!!

Hei: Nah, that's Wang doing his 'practice'

Wang: Why you little piece of (beep), I'll (beep)ing rip you a new (beep)ing (beep)

Jun: Hey! No swearing! There are children present y'know

Ling: Hey! I'm 18 now! I'm an adult!

Jun: Yes, but there's the Jacks, they're only about 5-7 years old

Jack-2: Subject-Jun made remark about Jack series

GunJack: Should self, you and Subject-Prototype Jack 'kick her booty'?

Jack-2: No, Subject-Prototype Jack will disintegrate in a matter of nanoseconds

P.Jack: Why you pieces of-Malfunction! Malfunction! shuts down

Dr B: Drat! That's the 15th time this week!

Yoshi: You should upgrade him then

Dr B: (whining) But I don't wanna!

Me: Erm, Ling, do your act, quickly!

Ling: Ok, ok. Ahem, watch people! I'm balancing plates on stilts! (sets some stilts up and places some plates on them carefully, making them spin)

Everyone: Ooooooooooooohhhhh-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!

Toshin: #Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla., bing bang#

Julia: OH MY GOD! Toshin's stuck in 1999!

Michelle: Just leave him there. The big green goon!

Ganryu: hurhurhur

Michelle: Ganryu, if you don't remove your hand from that particular area of my lower back/upper leg pretty sharpish then I'm cutting it off! (reveals a hatchet)

Hei: (snatches hatchet away) oooohhhh, dins-dins! (chews away at hatchet blade)

Kaz: I hate that guy!

Me: Who does like that guy? Apart from your mother of course-

Kaz: *sniffles. Mommy…

Paul: Momma's boy!

Jin: That kinda makes me miss my mommy as well

Hwoar: Momma's boy!

Jun: But I'm here Jin

Jin: Oh…dammit!

Kaz: Least you're lucky. All I had was a father that might've murdered her!!

Hei: Kazuya, I told you, she went off with a different guy…

Kaz: Don't blame her if she did do that

Hei: Are you implying that I'm a bad lover?

Kaz: Well, you're a bad father

Hei: Whaaaaaat? Lee turned out nicely didn't her? Well, apart from premature greyness (and, with that unicorn and that stupid laugh, maybe premature gayness)-

Lee: Hey!

Hei: But apart from that he's fine!

Lei: But a little birdie told me that Lee is adopted

Hei: How did you know that?

Lei: His last name is Chaolan, he's Chinese in origin and in looks and he doesn't have any of your attributes of which, through genetic reproduction, should pass onto his child. For example, there's Jin who looks like his father, Kazuya, but has a personality more like his mother's.

Kaz: Jun is not a pansy!

Jin: Oi!

Jun: (scolding) Kazuya!

Kaz: I'm sorry

Jun: Better

Jin: (rolls eyes)

Bryan+Bruce: #Lei is a smarty-pants, Lei is a smarty-pants!#

Forest: Thought Baek would be here

Marshall: He'll turn up, sooner or later.

Ling: HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Screaming so loud that the whole population of China have been woken up)

Marshall: MY EARS!

Paul: MY HEAD!

Nina: Oh, shut up! You're giving me all a headache. It's even worse that I have to sit next to my sister!

Anna: There speaketh the whore!

Nina: (smacks Anna across the face) Bitch!

Anna: Ho!

Everyone: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Nina: Yes, I like that mouse too

Everyone: ?

Ling: I am trying to do my ACT here! WATCH IT OR I'LL KICK ALL YOUR SCRAWNY ASSES!!!!!!!!!

Everyone: (watch the stage)

Kaz: She would make a great daughter-

Ling: SHUT UP!

Kaz: Maybe not :o(

Ling: (sighs) Better, now, back to the act-

Me: Sorry Ling, your time's up!

Ling: WHAT?! Says who?

Me: Says this shotgun and me! Now, gerroff the stage or you'll have some lead to go with your brain!

Ling: Fine! (Leaves stage, muttering something that sounds like 'Meany!')

Me: Now, our next act is, well, hopefully gonna be better then the last act

Paul: Least it ain't Marshall and Forest doing opera singing.

Craig: Yeah, sounds terrible

Paul: You're Craig Marduk ain't ya?

Craig: Yes

Paul: Man! King is gonna kill ya!!! Hehehehe!

Craig: Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Me: It's…Marshall and Forest Law doing some opera singing!

Everyone: Oh GOD NO!

Me: Why? What the matter with it?

Paul: Well, ever heard a bunch of turkeys gobble at the same time?

Me: Depends on how hungry they are. Anyway, on with the act!

(Marshall and Forest appear on the stage suddenly)

Yoshi: Whoa! How did they do that?

Dr B: You're the ninja with the teleportation and magic tricks, you figure it out!

Kunimitsu (Kuni): I did it! I admit it!

Yoshi: You will be sentenced to a place of my choosing (teleports Kuni away)

Dr B: Hey, where'd she go?

Yoshi: Erm…..(looks nervous)

(At Disneyland)

Kuni: Huh? Where the hell am I?

Mickey Mouse: The happiest place on Earth!

Kuni: Really? Well, that means you won't get mad if I do this! (kicks Mickey Mouse right in the happysacks)

Mickey Mouse: (in a higher pitched voice) Ooooooooh mate!

Kuni: Didn't think your voice could get any higher!

Mickey Mouse: I'm a guy in a suit dammit! It's bleedin' obvious!

Some Kid who was passing by: Mickey Mouse isn't real? (eyes wobble with tears)

Kuni: Oh brother!

(Back at Madison Square Gardens)

Marshall: (spouting out something that sounds like something from 'Ride Of The Valkryies' by Wagner)

Forest: (in that funny Asterix-style costume that you get fat lady opera singers always wearing when performing this opera, and also spouting out lines that go with the opera)

Paul: Someone! Please kill me!

Kazuya+Nina: With pleasure! (unleashes a weapon. Kazuya with a handgun, Nina with a bigger gun)

Kazuya+Nina: …? (both put away weapons at the same time)

Kazuya+Nina: Jinx!

Kazuya+Nina: I said it first!

Kazuya+Nina: No, I did

Kazuya+Nina: (sighs) man, I need a drink!

Anna: Typical! Wouldn't get me doing that!

Lee: Me neither!

Anna: I'm still not talking to you after that anime scene thing y'know

Lee: Neither am I to you

(Both Anna and Lee looking as of they're not looking at each other, but they are! Honest!)

Anna: …

Lee: …

Hwoar: For (beep)'s sake! Just (beep) already! (gets struck by a cartwheel kick)

Jun: No swearing in front of the children!

Jane: Y'know, I'm an adult too

Jack-2: And the Jack Series are robots already programmed to know such words

GunJack: Example: (beep)

Ling: And I'm now 18!

Jin: And I'm now 21!

Everyone: So where are all the children?

King: #we are the world!#

Lei: Not now King!

King: (stops singing)

Craig: Ooh-er! (Hides)

Jun: It's the children watching this that I'm worried about

Me: Wait? We're on live television? Now?

Cameraman: Yep

Director: Uh-huh

Producer: Of course

Other TV Staff+Jun: Yes!!!

Me: Bloody Hell!!!! (Gets struck by a Tooth Fairy Uppercut)

Jun: No swearing darn it!

Toshin: My Tooth Fairy looks much better

(Everyone stares at Toshin)

Toshin: Can't y'all keep a clean mind for once????

Ganryu+Wang: We can!

Michelle+Julia: Yeah right!

Wang: You doubt my willpower?

Julia: Why else are you called Wang?

Hei: He's called that cos he's got one dangling from his forehead! Bwahahahahahahahahaargh! (Is caught in a chokehold)

Wang: Why you piece of-

Me: Let's cut to a commercial break!

Director: Commercial Break! Play the jingle!

(Jingle plays)

Cameraman: And…we're clear!

Wang: Why you lousy piece of (beep), I'll rip your (beep) outta your (beep) so you can't (beep) your (beep)ing (beep)er! You mother(beep)er!

Jun: Right! That's it! Tek, lend me your shotgun!

Me: No, accidents will happen

Jun: What kind of accidents?

Me: (1) A fatality (2) A vengeance and (3) you getting your little greasy mitts on my big gun

(Everyone stares at Tek, apart from Kazuya, who glares at him)

Me: Oh come on! Clean your heads, for (beep)'s sake!

Jun: (sound of a machinegun being assembled)

Me: Er, ok, no more swearing now, y'hear?

Jun: Better (

Me: (nervous smile)

Jin: I'm bored (with cheeky intentions)

Julia: Me too (also with cheeky intentions)

Hwoar: And me (with 'I'd like to see this!' intentions)

Paul: This isn't gonna turn into a weird ending like the last story is it? With all those people making out, the stormtroopers and Tek going off into the sunset with Unknown

Me: That never happened!

Paul: (presses a button on a remote control and on a TV screen, it shows Tek going off into the sunset with Unknown)

Me: …

Eddy: Hey, least he hasn't any children yet

Me: er…yeah…no children

Unknown: (entering the arena, making the place totally silent as she walks towards the stage)

Kazuya: She still doesn't have an identity?

Jin: Guess not

Me: (looking very nervous indeed!)

Ling: D'ya think Tek…y'know…

Julia: Erm…probably…

Jin: Maybe…

Hwoar: Well, I dunno! Ask him!

Ling: Hey Tek! Did you…y'know…(making a suggestive motion with her hands, looking like a train going in and out of a tunnel)

Me: (frowns)

Ling: Guess not…

Unknown: (whispers something in Tek's ear, with the attention of everyone in the arena, keeping them in suspense)

Me: (sighs with relief) Anyway's, back to the show!

Cameraman: Camera's rolling!

Everyone: WHAT DID SHE SAY?!?!?!?!

Me: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Jeez! You'd think I could keep my life in privacy!

Kaz: Not really

Me: :o(…Anyway, our next act is…(reading bit of paper)…oh god…

Christie: Wonder what the next act is

Eddy: Hope it's not breakdancing again! Honestly! Just 'cos our style looks like it!

Christie: Yeah!

Hwoar: I bet it's my band! It has to be!

Snotrag (the drummer of Mon-Day): I hope so! I seriously need some alcohol here!

Haemorrhoid (the bassist of Mon-Day): And me!

Guitar Bloke (the lead guitarist from Mon-Day): Any chance of a rum and coke?

Jin: To think I performed with them

Snotrag: You were just doing your duty, now shut up, he's about to say the act

Me: It's…

Everyone: yes? (sounding eager to know)

Me: …it's…

Everyone: Yes??? (sounding very eager to know)

Me: …it's….

Everyone: YES??????! (sounding very, very eager to know)

Me: …It's…

Everyone: FOR (beep)'S SAKE, TELL US!!!!!!!

Me: …It's… Mon-Day

Everyone: (falls back, anime style)

Hwoar: Told y'all it was my group…Hey, where'd my band go?

(At 'The Money in the Hand' pub and bar, just opposite Madison Square Gardens)

Snotrag: (to bartender) I'll have a Scotch on the rocks

Haemorrhoid: I'll have the same

Guitar Bloke: Any chance of a rum and coke

Bartender: Ok, that'll be…$30 each

Snotrag+Haemorrhoid+Guitar Bloke: WHAAAAAT???!!!

Snotrag: (whilst fumbling around in his wallet) No wonder this place is called 'The Money in the Hand'!

Bartender: Just cough it up!

Haemorrhoid: (literally coughs up $30 well, 20 $1 notes and a $10 note) there ya go

Bartender: Er, thanks

Guitar Bloke: (running towards the toilet)

Bartender: Hey! Where are you going?

Guitar Bloke: To get you your $30, I think it's on the move! (rushes into the men's toilets, looking constipated)

Bartender: No, you can have yours for free! (runs to the toilets, looking green in the face)

Guitar Bloke: hehehe, works every time!

(Back at Madison Square Gardens)

Hwoar: Those bastards! I bet they're at the Money in the Hand!

Me: Well, I'll assign you a temporary band then!

Hwoar: Fine

Me: ok, the drummer will be…Paul!

Paul: Screw you! I ain't doing it!

Me: (presses button and Paul is thrown out of his seat and onto the drum stool at the drum kit)

Paul: (goggle-eyed)

Me: The bassist will be…er…aha! Lee! You'll be the bassist!

Lee: Ah crap! (walks slowly to the stage and picks up his bass guitar)

Me: And finally, our lead guitarist…Hey, Jin, you can play lead can't you?

Jin: Nah, that'll be-

Kaz: (whispers something to Jin) if you don't say my name, then I'll put in a good word for you to be in a Final Fantasy movie

Jin: -Er, it'll not be my dad, cos he…er…doesn't know how to play lead guitar

Kaz: Good boy

Jun: Oh, I'm sure your father could, after all, he played lead guitar in an old teenage band he got together.

Kaz: Ah crap!

Jun: Aww, go on honey, I bet you'll do really well

Kaz: (grumbles and mutters)

Paul: WHAT? Him?! No way!

Kaz: You think I'm eager enough to be anywhere near you?!?!

Lee: Hey, be brave bro', I'm doing it ain't I?

Kaz: Er, we're not technically bro's, if you know what I'm saying

Hei: Aaaahhhh, stop your whining and get up on stage

Kaz: Fine, but first, Dad?

Hei: Yes son?

Kaz: Could you put this frayed wire into your mouth (reveals a frayed wire, which is actually the wire leading to the lead guitar)

Hei: Er, Ok (puts wire in mouth)

Kaz: (walking up on stage, snickering)

Hwoar: Here's ya chords…(gives the chords to his reluctant new members)

Lee: (reading)…hey, these aren't original chords!

Paul: Nor drum tabs.

Kaz: They seem to sound quite familiar…(plays a few of them, giving Heihachi an electric shock)

Hei: YIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!

Kaz: Mwahahahahahahahahaa!

Hwoar: hey, you guys are here to play, not to say…anything

Paul: Ooh, nearly a rhyme! How smart are you?

Hwoar: Shut up, bunghole!

Paul: hurhurhur

Me: Just get playing will'ya?!?

Hwoar: Ok, ok, jeez! This tune is called…er…(reads title)…'Sweet Child O'Mine'

Kaz: Thought I recognised it! Would've preferred a bit of the Stone Temple Pilots to be honest

Paul: I would've preferred some other Guns N Roses song, this one's too sappy

Lee: Well, I like it

Hwoar: Hey, Kazuya! You're starting off!

Kaz: I am? mwahahaha

Hei: …uh-oh

Kaz: An a' 1, an a' 2

Nina: She does it more then that!

Anna: (beep) off!

Nina: (beep) you!

Kaz: …whatever

Jin: Plagiarist!

Jun: Jin! He's your father!

Jin: Yeah, but he stole my catchphrase!

Kaz: (plays the intro to 'Sweet Child O'Mine')

Hei: YIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! (in electric shock, continues like that till end of song)

Lee: (plays his bass chords)

Paul: (enters the drums)

King: hehe, 'enters'

Bryan: Sssshhhh!

Hwoar: (doing the Axl shuffle/dance-type thing) # She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories. Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky.

Now and then when I see her face, she takes me away to that

special place and if I stared too long

I'd probably break down and crrrrrrry#

Lee: (thoughts: This song is such a great song)

Jun: (thoughts: I can read minds, and you wouldn't believe the amount of profanity in some people's heads. Especially Ling's!)

Ling: (thoughts: too juvenile to include)

Hwoar: #whooooooooooooaaaaaahoooooaaaaa, sweet child o'mine.

Whooooooooooooooaaaaaaaahoooaaaaa, sweet love o'mine#

Paul: (thoughts: …why do I enter the Tekken tournaments anyway?)

Kaz: (thoughts: Die you old Prodigy-obsessed old fart-face!)

Hei: (thoughts: YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!)

Hwoar: #She's got eyes of the bluest skies as if they thought of rain.

I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I'd hide

And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by#

Bryan: I can't believe they're this good!!

Lei: Well, technically, this isn't Mon-Day.

Bryan: #Lei is a smarty pants#

Bruce: #Lei is a smarty pants#

Bryan+Bruce: #Na-na, na-na naa!#

Lei: *sniffles :o(

Hwoar: #whhhhhooooooooooaaaahoooooooaaa, sweet child o'mine

Whoooooooooooaaaaaahohohooooaaaa, sweet love o'mine#

Kaz: (breaks into a solo)

Everyone: (holding up lighters, apart from King, who held up a beer, Jun, who held up a hand in cheer, and Heihachi, who was being electrocuted)

Hwoar: #whhhooaaaaho, yeah, whoooooooaaaaaaahohohoaaaa, sweet child o'mine

Whoooooooaaaaaaaoohhhhohohhhhhhooooa, sweet love o'mine

Whoa, ohohohhhhoooooooaaaa, sweet chiiiild o'minnnee, ooooohhh, yeah yeah

Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhh, sweet love o'mine-ine#

Jin+Jun: (jump away from Heihachi as Kazuya breaks into the main solo)

Hei: (looking like a fireworks display)

Kaz: (thoughts: I'm enjoying this!!!!)

Hei: (thoughts: YIIIII!!!!! I'm NOT enjoying this! YIIIIII!!!!!!!!!)

Hwoar: (dancing around with the mike-stand)

Lee: (twanging at the bass)

Paul: (thoughts: Man, I hope the sweat doesn't make my flat top fall out of place)

Julia: Would've preferred some Nirvana though

Michelle: Eh? I thought you were into the same stuff as your friend, Limg Xiaoya

Julia: er, that was a typo from a magazine

Michelle: Oh, well, how do you pronounce her name then?

Julia: 'Lin Show-you'

Michelle: Oh…well, I thought you were into the same music as her

Julia: There's a lot you don't know about me, mom

Lee: (thoughts: Hey, here's my vocal bit!) #where do we go now? where do we go? Where do we go now?#

Hwoar: #Oooohaaaaowwhoowww-#

Lee+Hwoar: #Where do we goooo?#

Kaz: (in whispery voice) #sweet child o'mine!# (thoughts: Hey, I sounded a bit sexy there. Think I'll try it out later)

Hwoar: #Ooowwwwwww, where do we go now?#

Lee: #where do we go now? where do we go now?#

Hwoar: (at same time as Lee) #ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai#

Lee+Kaz+Hwoar: #Where do we go now?#

Hwoar: #Aaaaahaaaaaaooooowwww, oh, where do we go? AAAAOOOWWWW, WHERE DO WE GO NOW?#

Everyone: WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Toshin: I'll tell you where do you go now, you go off the stage!

Angel: Not a big fan of the band then?

Toshin: Not really

Hwoar: #Where do we go-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh where do we go nooow?#

(stage gets soaked in Hwoarang's sweat)

Hwoar: (thoughts: Man, after this, I'm gonna drain the bar dry!)

Nina: Hmmmm, I prefer the Pogues to GNR

Anna: More like one of the Corrs to me, but which one?

Nina: grrr…

Anna: Ah yes, Jim Corr, that's the one

Nina+Anna: (once again start another catfight)

Hwoar: #Where do we go? Oooohhhhowah where do we go now- oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh#

Everyone (apart from Toshin, and Nina and Anna, who a busy fighting): WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hwoar: #Sweet chi-I-ild, sweet chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihiiiiiiiiiiiiiihhhhhaa-ah- ahild of miiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnah#

Paul+Hwoar: (thoughts: Thank God it's over!)

Lee+Kaz: (thoughts: Damn, it's over but with Kazuya's reasons more evil then Lee's of course)

Hei: (looking like a cigarette butt, faints)

Wang: Yes! He's dead! WOOHOO!

Kaz: Hey! That's my line!

Yoshi: That's my horse!

Cloud Strife (what's he doing here?): What am I doing here?

Me: Erm, the Final Fantasy Talent Show is next door

Cloud Strife: Thanks (runs off next door)

Me: (thoughts: What a bloody nice bloke)

Kaz: To think I acted as him in a movie!

Jun: Well, I enjoyed it

Kaz: (grumbles)

Hei: Man, those volts really hurt! Why did you do that son?

Kaz: OH MY GOD!!! YOU DON'T KNOW??????????

Hei: I've just had thousands of volts ran through my body, I can't remember anything!

Nina: You get used to it after a while…

Kaz: Ok, here's your identity, you are an Irishman called Tim O'Tay, and you wash your hair everyday

Hei: (speaking in bad Irish accent) Well, so I am! Saints be praised!

Jun: Kazuya!

Kaz: Ok, ok, you are a Japanese business empire owner called Heihachi Mishima, you talk about world peace yet you actually wanna take it over by trying to get unlimited power. First by trying to control the Toshin, which failed-

Toshin: Thankfully!!

Kaz: -and now to find the Devil gene within me. Of which you'd combine with some DNA from Toshin, which would make something nearly unbeatable and invincible.

Hei: (in normal voice) Grah! So I am! How did you know all this?

Kaz: I read it on a certain website, oh and by the way, we both hate each other guts ever since we met each other, and you're a big loser who looks like a piece of crap

Hei: Grrrrrrr!

Lee: Well, Kazuya started hating your guts when you threw him off a cliff but technically, Kaz is right

Hei: I know that, you imbecile! (gives Lee a backhand, sending him rolling, a la Tekken Anime style, right across the arena)

Me: Anyway, after such bantering, our next act is…Michelle Chang?

Michelle: Why is that so hard to believe?

Me: Didn't think you'd enter, after what I did to ya last time

Michelle: Nah, I buried the-HATCHET-on that ages ago

Hei: Hatchet? Where? Where? Gimme gimme gimme!

Wang: #A man after midnight#

Jin: Hmmm, déjà vu

Julia: Really?

Jin: Yes

Julia: Ah, interesting

Jin: …

Julia: …

Jin: …d'ya think anyone's paying us any attention?

Julia: …Not really

Jin: Ah………I think I'll pop off to the toilet

Julia: Me too! (Both Jin and Julia run off to the toilets)

Lei: Me three! I really gotta go!!!!!!! (also runs off to the toilets)

Ganryu: Can't miss this!!! (goes off to the toilets as well, but is stopped when a hatchet narrowly misses his head by a mere millimetre)

Michelle: You go there over my dead body! You are not watching my daughter…erm…'get jiggy' with her boyfriend!

Ganryu: How about us getting jiggy ourselves?

Michelle: (shoots a glare that could scare the mask of every movie serial killer)

Ganryu: Er…hurhur…um (goes back to his seat)

Kaz: You still friends with Michelle, Jun?

Jun: Oh yes, we meet for coffee each afternoon

Kaz: Oh…(starts to get worried)

Lei: (coming back from the toilets, how did he do that so fast?) I could go for some coffee right now…

Bruce: Why bother? All it does is make you piss all the time and keep you awake

Lei: I'm a cop, I NEED to be alert at all times!!

Bruce: But do you need to piss all the time?

Lei: …I wonder what the next act is

King: *sniff Armor King…

Yoshi: What's the matter King?

King: I just found out that Armor King's been killed

Craig: !

Yoshi: (looking at Craig) Oh, really?

King: yeah, some drunken idiot in a bar killed him

Craig: (taking slow steady steps towards the exit)

Yoshi: Well, I could tell you who killed him…

King: You could?

Yoshi: Yeah

King: Great, cos if I ever caught the guy who did it, then I'd tear out their lungs, wash them and sell them to a little kiddie under the guise that they're a new type of balloon that's 2 balloons in one!

Craig: (runs out through the door but bumps into…Armor King!)

Armor King (A.K): Hey, watch it mate!

Craig: Huh? But…but…but-Yaaaaaaaah! (runs right out of the building, and then runs for 20 miles, screaming)

A.K: …loser (enters the arena)

King: ARMOR KING!!!!!!!!! (runs to him and hugs him…well, bearhugs him)

A.K: (getting blue in the face) You're…choking…me!!!

Me: Well, that's our next act done, which was 'Resurrection by Armor King', good, but it can't beat Mon-Day

Hwoar+Lee+Paul+Kaz: (grumbles)

Me: But I don't think that union is gonna last

Kaz+Paul: Got that right!!

Kaz+Paul: …?

Kaz: Hey, I already did this with Nina, I don't need to be doing it with you!

Paul: Erm…That sounded kinda…naughty

Jun: (scolding) Kazuya!

Kaz: Not in that sense!!!

Michelle: Hey, what about MY act?

Me: Oh, sorry Michelle, carry on

Michelle: Ok, here's my act, first, I'll need a volunteer

Kaz: Take Paul!

Paul: Take Kazu-whatsisface

Kaz: Grrrrr!

Paul: Rrrrrrrr!

Ganryu: Take me!!!!! Take me pleeeeeeeeaaasssseeee!!! (waving his arms in the air wildly)

Toshin: Dirty child! (burns Ganryu's ass)

Ganryu: Ow! My ass!

Toshin: Man, it would take me forever to completely toast his buns!

Angel: Ok, you're scaring me now; it sounds like you're in love with Ganryu!

Toshin: You know I only have eyes for you…

Angel: And I have this eye for you! (blasts Toshin with laser)

Toshin: Ow!

Devil: (quickly changing from Kazuya to Devil) STOP IT!

Angel: Sorry Devilkins

Devil: BETTER! (reverts back to Kazuya)

Kaz: Gah!

Michelle: Ganryu, come on down!

Ganryu: Wahoo! (runs onto the stage)

Michelle: (mumbling something like 'Oh, help me God!')

Ganryu: What d'ya want me to do my little Angel

Angel: Hey, I'm the only Angel around here!

Toshin: Not very angelic (blasted by laser again)

Angel: That's once!

Michelle: Just strap yourself to that big bull's-eye

Ganryu: Ooh, kinky (straps himself to the bull's-eye)

Michelle: Activate the bull's-eye!

Me: (presses button and the bull's-eye begins to spin around)

Ganryu: Hey! What's going on! Yaagh! (hatchet narrowly misses him)

Michelle: Here's my act, I'm going to throw some-HATCHETS-at this bull's- eye, blindfolded, and without Ganryu getting harmed

Everyone: ohhhhhh (sounding disappointed)

Michelle: Yes, I know, but I'm not going to jail for you or anybody

Everyone: Ok then

Me: Well, they were very understanding!

Kaz: Was that a sarcastic remark?

Ganryu: YAAAAAGH!

Me: No, not really

Kaz: Aww, pity

Jin: Hey Dad! According to Tekken 4, I should be really angry with you and beat you in a fight

Kaz: After giving up the Mishima Style for Traditional Karate? No-f'n-way! Its takes a style to defeat a style

Jin: I also have to beat up grandfather as well

Kaz: Amen to that!

Hei: (still feeling the electrocution effect) I can't feel my legs…

Jun: Do you have to be so mean in front of our child?

Kaz: (in whiny voice) Juun! Heihachi shot him right between the eyes!

Jun: Well, I'm sure he's sorry about that now, aren't you Heihachi?

Hei: …Er, yeah, sorry….

Jun: See?

Kaz: (sighs)

Ganryu: Please get me off here! I promise I won't spy on you again! I'll get rid of those pictures of you on that website! I'll get rid of that poster on that billboard outside town! I'll stop my subscription to 'Binoculars Monthly'. Just GET ME OFF HERE!!!!!!

Michelle: Mwahahahahahahaa!

Toshin+Devil: Hey! We're the evil one's here!!!!! (cross between Toshin's red and Devil's purple)

Michelle: Well, there's a new one in town, and she's one bad (beep)!

Nina: Hey! I'm the Badass (beep) in this game!

Anna: Says who, Plastic Boobs?!

Nina: GrrrrrrrRRRRRRRAGGGGHHHH!!!! (another, but more violent, catfight ensues)

Steve: You'd think they'd stop fighting each other for once!

Violet: Well, I guess that's how they are

Kaz: LEE! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF?

Violet: Well, while I was away, I thought I'd dye my hair

Kaz: Well, the clothes are traditional, but the hair! It makes you look like a complete and utter wa-

Me: Ey-ey-ey! Stop all this squabbling

(squabbling continues, along with some new fights)

Lei: Baldy boy!

Bruce: Girly boy!

Marshall Law: Vanilla-Ice-wannabe

Paul: Bruce-Lee-wannabe

Kaz: Me-wannabe

Jin: Psycho!

Hei: Ah, shut up the both of ya's, you're both crappy!

(Kazuya and Jin both smash Heihachi in the face, knocking him out)

Kaz: Right, now, where were we?

Jin: I just called you a psycho

Kaz: Ah, ok (charges up his fist)

Me: (turns into a Devil version of himself) RIGHT! IF YOU ALL DON'T STOP (beep)ING ARGUING, THEN I'LL PERSONALLY RIP THE (beep) OUTTA ALL OF YOU!!! NOW, SHUT THE (beep) UP!!!!!

Everyone (including Nina and Anna): (shuts up)

Devil Me: BETTER!!! (reverts back to normal self)

Kaz: And give me back my devil spirit!

Me: Ok, ok, (gives Kazuya his devil spirit back), anyway's, thank you Michelle, for your contribution to the show

Michelle: But I'm not finished!

Ganryu: Oh yes you are!

Me: On this one, I have to agree with Ganryu, you've used up your time so, (with megaphone) GET OFF THE STAGE!

Michelle: Fine (takes back hatchets and goes back to her seat)

Ganryu: Hey! What about me?

Michelle: Oh God! Do I have to?

Me: Erm…I'd better get someone else to un-shackle Ganryu. Any volunteers?

(stony silence)

Me: Er…anybody?

(stony silence)

Me: Do I have to assign a volunteer to un-shackle Ganryu?

(Still a stony silence)

Me: Ok, Julia, un-shackle Ganryu

Jin: Er, she's still in the toilets

Me: Eh? What's she doing?

Jin: I'd…rather not say, for morality's sake

Me: Oh god…Viol-er, Lee, you do it

Lee: Great! Un-shackling a sumo wrestler from a bull's-eye, It's my lucky day!

Me: Hey! No sounding sarcastic!

Lee: (mutters, mumbles and grumbles whilst getting Ganryu off the bull's- eye)

Ganryu: I'M FREE!!!

Me: Ok, now, Ganryu, I'm giving you a new seat…er…next to Michelle I think will work

Michelle: WHAT? But that's where Julia sits!

Me: Well, now she can sit next to Jin

Jin: (big grin on his face)

Ganryu: (bigger grin on his face)

Michelle: (evil frowning looks at Tekkenicus)

Me: Er…anyway, our last act is…Steve Fox's interpretive dance

Everyone: BOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Me: I know, I know, interpretive dance isn't my thing either, but we've run out of acts. We've already had Ling Xiaoyu spinning plates on stilts-

Ling: And you never watched either!

Me: -Marshall Law and Forest Law doing some opera singing-

Paul: Sounded like someone was skewering Bruce Lee!

Marshall+Forest: grrrrr

Me: -Mon-Day performing a G n' R song-

Violet: G n' R?

Lee: Guns N' Roses

Violet: Oh

Kaz: Great, another person with a split personality!

Me: -we had Armor King doing his resurrection trick-

A.K: What does 'e mean 'resurrerection'?

King: Didn't that Craig Marduk guy kill you in a bar room brawl?

A.K: Nah, he just knocked me out that bad. I realised something was weird when I woke up in a hearse!

King: Ohhhh, Armor King! Giz us a hug! (Another one of those bearhugs)

A.K: (in strained voice) I'm…choking…again!!

Me: -and, just now, we had Michelle throwing hatchets at Ganryu-

Ganryu: (whimpers)

Me: So, whilst I look for other acts, here's a commercial break. Play the jingle!

(Jingle plays)

Cameraman: And……we're clear

Me: Somebody get me my f'n Coke!

Ling: (shudders)

Me: (looks at Ling, and remembers) the drink that is! (gets his Coca Cola™)

Julia: (coming back from the toilets) hey, why's Ganryu in my place?

Me: (sipping his Coca Cola) I've seated you next to Jin

Julia: mmmmmm……

Jin: mmmhmmhmhmmmmm……

Kaz: Oh God…

Jun: What's wrong?

Kaz: The fact that Jin's gonna be making out right behind me gives me a headache

(Everyone looks at Kazuya)

Kaz: Erm, he's in the seat behind me

(Everyone still looks at Kazuya)

Kaz: I mean that Jin's gonna be making out with Julia right behind my back!

Jun: (gasps) you've been having an affair with Julia?!?!?!?

Michelle: Grrrrrrr (reveals a hatchet)

Kaz: NO! Look where Jin is! He's in the seat behind me, with his girlfriend. They're gonna make out in the seat behind me!!

Jun: (sighs with relief)

Everyone: Well, why didn't you say so?

Kaz: ……I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown now…

Hei: Mwahahahahahah-ack! (hit by a Wind Godfist)

Kaz: That's made me feel much better

Jin: Didn't know my father could tell the future…

Julia: (giggles)

Kaz: (sighs)

Dodge Viper (D.V): (enters the arena) Hey-ho!

Me: Oh God! It's my nephew!

D.V: Farty pants, farty pants, oops, I pooed!

Me: If anyone wants to kill him, then you're allowed, cos we're not on the air at the moment

Kaz: Great! Heeere Dodgy, Dodgy, Dodgy! (Pulling up the sleeves on his blank shirt and removing his shades)

D.V: You pooed, you pooed, you…pooed? Er, HELP!

(Dodge Viper gets beaten half to death by Kazuya's Tidal Wave Ninestring f, f, N, 2,1,4,4,2,4,2,1)

Me: Thanks Kaz, I owe you one

Kaz: Nah, you owe me 50.

Me: Eh?

Kaz: I loaned you £50 so you could go mad in the downtown areas so you owe me £50 back…what did you do with the £50 anyway?

Me: (reminisces going mad in video game arcades…yet not putting the required coin in any of them. Then reminisces about paying some guy to go on the tunnel of love with an anonymous lady he brought along) Ah, happy memories

Kaz: Er…yeah, anyway, you owe me £50!

Me: Ok, ok, I'll get you your money soon!

Jun: (using her mind-reading psychic powers) hmmm, I think I know which lady he's talking about

(Everyone gets interested in Jun)

Me: Ok, Jun's mind-reading ability will be used for the next act

Jun: I don't think he should do that

Jin: Why not?

Jun: Cos I just found out where he went with Unknown

Julia: Where did they go?

Jun: I'll tell you soon enough (with sneaky intentions)

Michelle: And I thought Ganryu was the sneaky one

Ganryu: Mummy…hello mummy, can I have some chocolate? Mommy…

Michelle: Ganryu, get your pork-chop-filled face out of my cleavage!!!

Bryan: Whoa! Ganryu is the luckiest person, and yet, also the unluckiest

Lei: Eh? What are we talking about?

King: #I'm too sexy for my shirt#

Lei: Er, you're not wearing a shirt

King: Eh?…Oh, so I'm not

Bruce: Goofball!

Eddy: Ai carumba!

Christie: Er, what Eddy said

Steve: When the hell am I gonna do my act?

Me: At the end!

Steve: With where this is going, there's never gonna be an end!

Me: Just shut up, you'll get your chance like everyone else has

Steve: Jeez!

Cameraman: And we're back on the air!

Me: We've found an act, and it's Jun Kazama doing some mid-reading

Everyone: Ooooooooohhhhhhh-Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

Nina: Sound familiar Anna?

Anna: Don't start!

Jun: (making her way up on stage)

Hei: Bah! Mind Reading! It's a bunch of old crock!

Jin: So it's like you then!

Hei: Whhhhyyyy youuu!

Wang: Ah, shaadap you old fart!

Hei: Speak for yourself, (beep)-euphemism!

Jun: Who said that?

Me: Is it GunJack?

GunJack: (makes a robotic noise)

Lei: Nope

Me: Is it Kazuya, the man with the purple suit and the spiked hair?

Kaz: Hey!

Lei: Nope

Me: (sees where Lei is going with this) is it the wisecracking Chinese kung- fu cop over there (points to where Lei is sitting)

Lei: Could be (jumps into the top drawer of a filing cabinet and then comes out of the bottom drawer in his Chinese kung-fu suit, and with an eye-mask, a la Lone Ranger style)

King: #Hong Kong Wulong, number 1 super-guy#

Lei: (poses)

Bruce: (thoughts: Super gay more like)

Jun: (thoughts: I heard that!)

Bruce: (thoughts: Yaagh! She's genuine!)

King: #Hong Kong Wulong, quicker then the human eye#

Me: Ok, that's enough of the 'Hong Kong Phooey'-isms

Lei: No way! It's much more fun!

Me: Hey, what I says, goes, now sit down or I'll make you sit down!

Toshin: YOU DARE TRY TO BE EVILLER THEN TOSHIN?!?!?!

Me: Ah, shut up you green baboon!

Toshin: BABOON??!! I'LL SHOW YOU BABOON!!!

Me: Bring it on, man!

Jun: (uses her psychic powers to calm Tekkenicus and Toshin down)

Toshin: Oooooohhhhrrrggghhh, nighty-night, mommy-(falls asleep)

Me: Whoooaaaaaa, Look at all the pretty colours-(falls asleep)

Jin: Hey, he's doing a Hwoarang impression!

Hwoar: (beep) you man! I'm gonna kill ya!- Whoooaaaaaa, look at all the pretty colours-(falls asleep)

Jin: Thanks Mom!

Jun: (smiles)

Forest: Hey! Who gonna host the show now?

Paul: I think I can handle the job

Kaz: (presses Family Fortunes buzzer)

Paul: Ah (beep)-weeeeeee, swirling lights and Ishtar from Macross 11:Lovers Again! Sing a song of six-(falls asleep)

Ling: Ok, is everyone gonna be falling asleep if they swear now?

Me+Paul+Toshin+Hwoar: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jun: Yes, because I've had enough of this. There are children younger than 15 reading and watching this you know

Lee: Reading?

Steve: I've been to that festival, not as good as Glastonbury though

Lee: ?

Kuni: (entering the arena) Finally! I've made it back!

Yoshi: Erm, where were you?

Kuni: Disneyland

Yoshi: oh, sorry bout tha-mwhmmmm (caught in a big lip-lock from Kunimitsu)

A.K: Whoa! HEY! THERE'S A COUPLE MAKING OUT HERE!!!!

(lip-lock continues)

Lei: (looks at watch)

Bruce: …

Bryan: Hey! There's a public toilets over there! Use it!

Me: Wa-wh-where am I? Ooh bugger, I'm still doing the show!

Kaz: Haven't had a lip-lock like that in a while

Jun: Hmmmm (thinks about it, then plants a big lip-lock on Kazuya)

Jin: AGH! No! Not in my face!

Julia: Then look away

Jin: (looks away from his parents and looks at Julia instead) much better in a suave voice

Julia: (giggles)

Jin: (plants a lip-lock of his own on Julia)

Me: When are these lip-locks gonna end?

Lee+Anna: (already in a lip-lock)

Toshin+Angel: (also in a lip-lock)

Ganryu+Michelle: (in a lip-lock, but with Michelle fighting for her life)

Paul: Nina-

Nina: No (beep)ing way!

Paul: Damn!

Forest: Wish I could get a lip-lock

Marshall: Er, I'll see you back home son (leaves the arena)

Forest: Where could he-oh my god!

(Suddenly, the Final Fantasy Team invade, which stops all the lip-locks)

Me: Thanks ma-

Reno: Save it fool!

Me: (frowns)

Tseng: We are here to take over this fanfic right now!

Me: Says who?

Final Fantasy Guys and Gals: SAYS US!

Hei: Not if I have anything to say about it!

Red XVIII: Is this wise?

Barret: If it isn't then…well, who'd care?

Red XVIII: Guess so

Me: Well, I guess there's only one thing for it…

Lei: Wonder what he could mean…

Jin: I think I know…

Me: LLLLLLLLETTT'S GET READY TO RUMBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Big fight starts between the Final Fantasy people and Tekken people and Tekkenicus. But, then, suddenly, in the middle of the craziness and the fighting and the punches and the kicks and the-)

Everyone (including the FF ppl): GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!

(Ok, ok, jeez! A mysterious voice cries out amongst them)

Voice: I SHALL BECOME ONE WITH THE FANFICTION!

Everyone: Sephiroth!

(Sephiroth, in his amazing flying and evil style appears)

Lee: Copycat!

Kaz: (elbowing him in the side) shut up!

(Sephiroth spots Lee, picks him up, swings him around and flings him at an unsuspecting Cloud)

Cloud+Lee: Argh!

Hojo: That's my boy!

Sephiroth: I AM NOT YOUR BOY!

Paul: Give it up already, we all know you're the son of Hojo and Lucretia

Kaz: Dumbass!

(This next bit of footage is censored, as it is too violent)

Me: Ooooooooh that had to hurt! Didn't think he could summon a meteor to do that!

Paul: Can someone help me? I appear to be very badly burnt. I'm not dead, just very badly burnt. Can someone get a doctor or somethi-(sound of a bullet, but actually being a small piece of a meteor blasting into Paul) You shot me! You shot me right in the arm! Why did yo-(another bullet-like sound, and silence)

Forest: Oh my God! Sephiroth killed Paul!

Nina: You (beep)stard!

Sephiroth: AND NOW, I WILL INTRODUCE YOU TO MY MOTHER…

Jun: Isn't that nice

Tifa: Not really…

Sephiroth: (drops a root of Jenova)

Yoshi: That's it? Jeez! (slashes the root and kills it)

Kaz: Didn't know it was that easy to defeat

Sephiroth: EH? HOW DID YOU DEFEAT JENOVA SO QUICKLY?

Yoshi: Laser sword. Go figure

Sephiroth: (getting rid of the old high and mighty voice) Hmmm, well, I just have this giant masamune

Yoshi: Hmmm, say, let's talk about this over lunch, k?

Sephiroth: Ok

Nina: My, my, my, that's a big sword he's got!

(Everyone, including the great Sephiroth, stares at Nina)

Nina: Not in that sense you dolts!

Me: Anyway's, let's just stop this while we're ahead, ok?

Everyone: Ok

Steve: hey! What about my act?

Me: Perform it in front of the camera, we're going

Steve: Ok, er (facing camera), ok, here's my act. Interpretive Dance by Steve Fox.

Cameraman: Sorry, out of film!

Steve: (beep)!-hey, it's a big glowing pink thingy!-(falls asleep)

Cameraman: (leaves)

Director: (leaves as well)

(24 hours later)

Baek: Hey guys!

(his only response being the sounds of his echoing voice and the sight of no people)

Baek: Eh? (looks at invitation) Ah crap! I'm a day late! (grumbles and mutters curses under his breath as he walks out of the arena)

Paul: Man, how long was I out? Ah well, (leave the arena)

Snotrag+Haemorhoid+Guitar Bloke: We're back!

(Silence)

Haemorrhoid: Hey, where'd everyone go?

Snotrag: Wait, you guys (looks at watch) We've missed the rest of the show, it's tomorrow!

Guitar Bloke: How d'ya know?

Snotrag: It says so on my watch (shows Guitar Bloke the watch) See, 4th September!

Guitar Bloke: Ah (beep)-whoa man, it's all swirly!-(falls asleep)

Haemorrhoid: (looks at Snotrag)

Snotrag: (looks at Haemorrhoid)

Haemorrhoid: That's……just basically (beep)ed up-whooo!-(falls asleep)

Snotrag: Hey, what's going on?!?

(silence)

Snotrag: Ah, (beep) it!-heeeeeeeey man! It's Ishtar!-(falls asleep)





Fin'e