Letters from a Dark Lord
By: Angua27
I had a heck of a time writing these last few. I don't know why, but it was really hard so I hope you appreciate this. Grr... Oh, well. I had fun anyway. So...I don't own Saruman or Voldie or whoever I happen to stick in here. I do own Joe though. He's the one that helped me get over my writers cramp although he's pretty insignificant. Thanks to Joe. I think this parts shorter anyway. I'll try to write more. Oh! And I want to thank Karkaroff for the extremely entertaining review. I like Christopher Lowell! Voldie and Saruman like him too, or at least Voldie does. He's going to send Saruman some tapes. Maybe you can subscribe to Dark Lords Weekly. I hear Voldie's planning on writing an article soon.
Part 3
Date: Today
Dear Voldie,
Of course I'd like to meet at the Hanged Man. It would be great to talk to Ronnie so he can give me some decorating tips. Gods know I need them! Well, I guess I'll see you soon. I'll come a week from when I send this. I wrote the date at the top of the paper so you wouldn't be confused. I also don't know what calendar system you use. I just put "today" so it would be simple and you could still understand.
I'm looking at my wardrobe trying to decide what to wear now. I would like to wear my white robes, but ever since Gandalf took over my position as head of the order I feel it's a kind of social taboo if I wear the same thing Gandalf does because he'd get too huffy. Now that he's the head of the order, he's gotten quite a big head. We used to hang out all the time, but ever since I "came out of the citadel" and told him I'm a dark lord he's been so prejudiced. *Sigh* I guess it's his loss that he's so close-minded.
I tried to speak Parseltongue to a snake that happened to slither into my Secret Chamber. The snake just stared at me and stuck its tongue out. He didn't say anything to me! Can you imagine the nerve? Later I found that snake and skinned it so Wormtongue and I had fried stake for dinner. It's actually really good with ketchup.
I'm really excited about meeting you finally. I'll talk to you soon.
Peace Out,
Sharky
Dear Sharky,
It was really cool meeting you, but I'm afraid the muggles at the Hanged Man didn't like it too much. They kept giving us funny looks when we practiced our evil dark lord laughs. I'd think they'd be used to it by now. They were probably just jealous they can't laugh as coolly (is that a word?) as us. MwhahahahaSNORThahahaha!
You certainly can hold your liquor well. I've never met anyone who could drink four kegs of Vodka and wash it down with a cyanide chaser. It's great being a Dark Lord. We're damn hard to kill except for the fact the Clever Hero always ends up killing us. That part kind of sucks.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you what happened on the way home. Okay. So I was walking back and this guy jumped out and said "Voldie! Long time no see!" I was pretty amazed because I don't think I've ever seen him before in my life. And he jumped out of the bushes. That was pretty amazing too. He said his name is Joe and we used to hang out together back at the old school (Hogwarts, that is). I didn't really remember him, but here's the good part. He says he knows you. Since Hogwarts, he opened up a dark lord delivery service called Dark Lord Delivery Service. It's a highly underrepresented occupation, but I'm glad the old boy's up to it. I never even heard of it until last Tuesday, but he said he's delivered to you before. It'll be much easier to send packages from now on.
Times running short now, so I'm gonna go.
BFF,
Voldie
Dear Voldie,
That's really a coincidence about Joe. You are talking about Joe Dela, right? Then again, I suppose there aren't a lot of Joes in the trade. It's highly specialized.
I took your advice about the ents. I put some weed killer around the citadel and they haven't done more than stare threateningly from the borders yet. I had some extra so I snuck into Mordor and put some on Samwise's favourite flower bed. I hid a tree and watched when he showed up to water them in the morning. I must say, I laughed more than I have since last Tuesday. The hobbit was practically in seizures over those daisies. When he saw me though, I practically got in big trouble. "I'm gonna tell Mister Frodo and he'll cut off your pipeweed run," he said. I stuck my tongue out at him and ran like the dickens. I'm thinking this letter isn't going to get to you very quickly because there's this hobbit army surrounding my citadel. Don't laugh! Hobbits are quite scary in groups.
The Hanged Man was really fun. I loved how you put that chatterbox curse on that one man. His wife looked upset, but I just couldn't believe anyone could speak that quickly. I don't even think he breathed. Your world has much better drinks. I mean we have PINTS, but not, say, Mike's Hard Lemonade. Man that stuff is zingy. We're going to have to start a Mike's Hard Lemonade-pipeweed trade. We can both make a mint and retire. Just kidding! You know what they say, once a Dark Lord, always a Dark Lord. Ah, well. Talk to you soon.
Peace Out,
Sharky
**
'Kay! That's it for now. Voldie'll be replying soon. Until then, heed this shameless plug and read something else I wrote, or, because I have to at least try to be nice to others, read some of my favourite stories. Tschus!
By: Angua27
I had a heck of a time writing these last few. I don't know why, but it was really hard so I hope you appreciate this. Grr... Oh, well. I had fun anyway. So...I don't own Saruman or Voldie or whoever I happen to stick in here. I do own Joe though. He's the one that helped me get over my writers cramp although he's pretty insignificant. Thanks to Joe. I think this parts shorter anyway. I'll try to write more. Oh! And I want to thank Karkaroff for the extremely entertaining review. I like Christopher Lowell! Voldie and Saruman like him too, or at least Voldie does. He's going to send Saruman some tapes. Maybe you can subscribe to Dark Lords Weekly. I hear Voldie's planning on writing an article soon.
Part 3
Date: Today
Dear Voldie,
Of course I'd like to meet at the Hanged Man. It would be great to talk to Ronnie so he can give me some decorating tips. Gods know I need them! Well, I guess I'll see you soon. I'll come a week from when I send this. I wrote the date at the top of the paper so you wouldn't be confused. I also don't know what calendar system you use. I just put "today" so it would be simple and you could still understand.
I'm looking at my wardrobe trying to decide what to wear now. I would like to wear my white robes, but ever since Gandalf took over my position as head of the order I feel it's a kind of social taboo if I wear the same thing Gandalf does because he'd get too huffy. Now that he's the head of the order, he's gotten quite a big head. We used to hang out all the time, but ever since I "came out of the citadel" and told him I'm a dark lord he's been so prejudiced. *Sigh* I guess it's his loss that he's so close-minded.
I tried to speak Parseltongue to a snake that happened to slither into my Secret Chamber. The snake just stared at me and stuck its tongue out. He didn't say anything to me! Can you imagine the nerve? Later I found that snake and skinned it so Wormtongue and I had fried stake for dinner. It's actually really good with ketchup.
I'm really excited about meeting you finally. I'll talk to you soon.
Peace Out,
Sharky
Dear Sharky,
It was really cool meeting you, but I'm afraid the muggles at the Hanged Man didn't like it too much. They kept giving us funny looks when we practiced our evil dark lord laughs. I'd think they'd be used to it by now. They were probably just jealous they can't laugh as coolly (is that a word?) as us. MwhahahahaSNORThahahaha!
You certainly can hold your liquor well. I've never met anyone who could drink four kegs of Vodka and wash it down with a cyanide chaser. It's great being a Dark Lord. We're damn hard to kill except for the fact the Clever Hero always ends up killing us. That part kind of sucks.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you what happened on the way home. Okay. So I was walking back and this guy jumped out and said "Voldie! Long time no see!" I was pretty amazed because I don't think I've ever seen him before in my life. And he jumped out of the bushes. That was pretty amazing too. He said his name is Joe and we used to hang out together back at the old school (Hogwarts, that is). I didn't really remember him, but here's the good part. He says he knows you. Since Hogwarts, he opened up a dark lord delivery service called Dark Lord Delivery Service. It's a highly underrepresented occupation, but I'm glad the old boy's up to it. I never even heard of it until last Tuesday, but he said he's delivered to you before. It'll be much easier to send packages from now on.
Times running short now, so I'm gonna go.
BFF,
Voldie
Dear Voldie,
That's really a coincidence about Joe. You are talking about Joe Dela, right? Then again, I suppose there aren't a lot of Joes in the trade. It's highly specialized.
I took your advice about the ents. I put some weed killer around the citadel and they haven't done more than stare threateningly from the borders yet. I had some extra so I snuck into Mordor and put some on Samwise's favourite flower bed. I hid a tree and watched when he showed up to water them in the morning. I must say, I laughed more than I have since last Tuesday. The hobbit was practically in seizures over those daisies. When he saw me though, I practically got in big trouble. "I'm gonna tell Mister Frodo and he'll cut off your pipeweed run," he said. I stuck my tongue out at him and ran like the dickens. I'm thinking this letter isn't going to get to you very quickly because there's this hobbit army surrounding my citadel. Don't laugh! Hobbits are quite scary in groups.
The Hanged Man was really fun. I loved how you put that chatterbox curse on that one man. His wife looked upset, but I just couldn't believe anyone could speak that quickly. I don't even think he breathed. Your world has much better drinks. I mean we have PINTS, but not, say, Mike's Hard Lemonade. Man that stuff is zingy. We're going to have to start a Mike's Hard Lemonade-pipeweed trade. We can both make a mint and retire. Just kidding! You know what they say, once a Dark Lord, always a Dark Lord. Ah, well. Talk to you soon.
Peace Out,
Sharky
**
'Kay! That's it for now. Voldie'll be replying soon. Until then, heed this shameless plug and read something else I wrote, or, because I have to at least try to be nice to others, read some of my favourite stories. Tschus!
