Well, you people are all really lucky, because I decided even I wasn't enough of a bitch to leave that cliffhanger for a week, so I busted my ass and got chapter eight done. And now there *really* won't be any more for a week or so. But at least this doesn't leave off at too horrible a place.
Chapter Eight
Tsuzuki's voice comes out remarkably calm, much calmer than I'm feeling. "How exactly do you mean that?"
Muraki leans closer, and I can see his lips brushing over Tsuzuki's ear. I'm seeing red, and it's only Akimiya's hand around my arm that keeps me from rabidly attacking him. "You swear to be mine, body and soul," he practically purrs, "and I'll save him."
Tsuzuki pushes him away, a look of disgust on his face. "How can you think I would possibly accept such an offer?" he asks, his voice burning with anger.
Muraki glances at his watch. "Oh, I'm sorry, I misjudged. Actually I think he probably only has about an hour."
Tsuzuki pales, and from the sudden lightheadedness I'm feeling, I'm pretty sure that I've gone pale too. There might have been a chance that Watari would find a cure if it was a day. But an hour? There's just no way. And with only an hour, that doesn't give Tsuzuki any chance to consider the offer.
There's no question, however, of what being 'Muraki's' would entail. I can't . . . I can't expect him to do that. Not for me.
Tsuzuki walks over to me and stands in front of me, brushing my hair out of my eyes. I'm sure he can see the panic written all over my face, but he still seems perfectly calm. Then he leans down and kisses me briefly, his lips barely touching mine. "Gomen ne, Hisoka . . . gomen."
He turns back to Muraki. "I accept."
"What?" I stare at him in astonishment. "No! You can't . . . you can't be his!"
He gives me a brief look, his eyes dark with sorrow. "I can't just let you die, Hisoka . . . not if there was a way to stop it."
"But . . . he could be lying, he could . . ." My voice trails off. Muraki lies when it suits his purpose, but he isn't lying now. I just know. "You can't do this, not for me, I don't deserve something like this, I . . ."
"Take the bandage off," Muraki instructs me.
I reach up, unthinking, and pull it off. The wound is still open, and there are red marks branching away from it now. Muraki lays his hand over it, and I resist the urge to flinch away. "Tsuzuki, don't do this. I'd rather be dead than alone, you know that, you must know that by now . . ."
Muraki starts chanting softly, under his breath so I can't catch what he's saying.
"Tsuzuki, PLEASE!"
There's a searing pain in my throat and I go to my knees as Muraki steps away. For a second I wonder if he's actually killed me, but then the pain vanishes like it was never there, and my throat is healed.
Muraki pulls out a different knife, a smaller one, and walks over to Tsuzuki. "Tsuzuki-san."
Tsuzuki extends his hand. I want to say something, but I can't. Muraki is going to make him swear a blood oath, one that cannot be broken without dire consequences. I can't let this happen, but at the same time . . . there's nothing I can do. Muraki slashes both their palms and presses them together. "Say it."
Tsuzuki swallows hard. "I swear, on my blood, I am yours. Body and soul."
"TSUZUKI!"
A faint smile touches Muraki's lips. "And I swear, on my blood, that I will not harm Hisoka again." He lifts his palm, still dripping blood. The wound on Tsuzuki's heals. "And I think we're both satisfied, ne, Tsuzuki-san?"
Tsuzuki nods silently.
Muraki turns to Akimiya and I, smiling. "Jaa ne."
Tsuzuki gives me a last look. "Gomen nasai . . ."
And all I can do is watch as Muraki puts a proprietary arm around Tsuzuki and leads him out of the warehouse.
"No." I don't know who I'm saying it to. Perhaps Akimiya. "That didn't just happen. I-In a minute I'll wake up a-and . . ."
"We need to go home," Akimiya says softly. I can tell he is not relishing the idea of explaining this to Tatsumi. He's liable to go hunting Muraki himself . . . except he can't. Because this was Tsuzuki's decision, and a blood oath can't be broken unless both members of the binding release it.
He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me back to the Meifu. I feel a bit dazed. He lands us outside HQ so we can walk in like everything is normal. Except everyone will know it's not, because Tsuzuki isn't with us. "You okay?" he asks me.
Stupid question. I push open the door and go inside. Tatsumi is in the main room, and he looks up when we come in. His face is simply questioning -- for the moment. "Tsuzuki-san wa?"
I open my mouth to explain, and the words stick in my throat. I'm struck by the sudden urge to cling to Tatsumi and cry, but somehow I don't think that would go over very well.
Akimiya explains while I stand there. My mind is still trying to grasp exactly what happened. By the time he's finished, almost everyone has gathered around to hear the story. There's silence when he finishes. I think Tatsumi's head is going to explode. I mean, really. Brain goo everywhere. I also think I might fall over any second now. My knees feel shaky.
"But he can't do that," someone says uneasily. I can't even identify their voice. I look blankly at Tatsumi.
He hesitates. "If Tsuzuki-san refutes his position here, it means that he's disobeying the conditions of his continued existence. There would be . . . steps . . . taken to end it, if this is the case."
I shake my head. My voice, surprisingly, sounds perfectly normal. "Muraki won't let that happen. He'll let Tsuzuki continue to work. He'll just have to stay on Chijou . . . with him."
There's a low murmur. I can't really decipher what everyone is saying. It's all coming in fuzzy. I can't think. Just sort of looking around. Everyone's trying to figure out what to do. They don't realize that there's nothing that can be done.
"Everyone shut up." My voice comes out more harsh than I intend it to. "There's nothing we can do. Tsuzuki made his choice and the oath has been sworn. He can't take it back now unless Muraki lets him, and somehow I doubt he will."
Everyone looks at me. "Kurosaki-kun," Tatsumi begins, and then stops. He, at least, is smart enough to know that there's nothing he can say that will help.
"Are you okay?" Akimiya is the one who asks.
I stand there and stare at him for a long second. Without warning, the anger I've been holding back all boils up at that stupid question. "Yes, Akimiya. I'm perfectly fine." I demonstrate how fine I am by punching him squarely in the jaw. He tumbles backwards and I follow. Somehow, I'm not quite sure how, I end up sitting astride him, punching him repeatedly. I'm so mad that the entire world is blurry.
"It's all your fault!" Is that my voice? It sounds different. I'm shrieking. All out shrieking. "You're the one who did this! You made this happen!"
Akimiya is holding his hands over his face to defend himself, but he isn't fighting back. This continues for about thirty seconds while everyone looks on, dumbfounded, before someone grabs me around the waist and pulls me off. I turn around and swing wildly at whoever it is.
Fortunately, Tatsumi intercepts my fist before it hits, which is probably good because in retrospect I didn't really want to punch Tatsumi. That would just be all sorts of bad. Then he twists my arm around my back, yanking it hard enough to hurt like a sonofabitch.
"LET ME GO!"
"Not until you've calmed down."
Tatsumi is the picture of calm. I'm fighting like a hell hound, as best I can with my arm wrenched around behind me, and he just stands there. He isn't even using both hands to hold me.
It hurts too much to continue, so I go limp after a minute and stand there, breathing hard.
"Are you going to stay calm?" Tatsumi asks.
I think about it for a second. "Yeah."
"All right." He lets me go. I immediately leap for Akimiya again, but Tatsumi was expecting this, and his hand snags my shirt and tugs me backwards. He turns me around and gives me a rough shake. "Blaming him isn't going to help, and you know it."
The red starts to recede from my eyes, and I suddenly realize that I just tried to kill Akimiya with my bare hands in front of everyone else. And oddly enough, no one looks mad at me. Not even him.
Tatsumi gives me a close look, then lets me go. I think I'm falling. Someone catches me from behind and helps me to the floor. I think it must be Watari; there's blond hair in my face. Tatsumi kneels beside me. "You should go home," he says quietly.
Home. Is there really such a thing anymore?
"I can't. I can't." I try to say something else, but nothing else comes. I'm crying. In front of everyone. This day just keeps getting better and better. "I don't have anywhere without him." I think I'll turn around and cry into Watari's shirt. He'd take it better than Tatsumi, in any case. He puts his arms around me and hugs me. The way Tsuzuki used to hug me when I cried.
Tatsumi is moving now, getting everyone else to quit gawking and go back to work. Even Akimiya reluctantly allows himself to be pushed away. By the time he comes back, I've stopped crying, but it's more from a lack of energy than out of a lack of tears. "If I send you home," Tatsumi says, "can I rely on you to not do anything stupid?"
I pull away from Watari, stung. "I'm not going to waste Tsuzuki's sacrifice. Don't insult me."
Tatsumi looks annoyed, but only very briefly, before the concern is back. "Then go. There's nothing else you can do here today, and it won't help you to be here."
"Whatever." I manage to stand up.
"If I send Sakamoto-san by later to check on you, will you try to kill him again?"
"I make no promises. He can stay the hell away from me." I can't really hear anything I'm saying. I know the words are coming from my mouth, but I don't even know where they're coming from. It's not me that's saying them. I'm not this bitter and angry. I was bitter once, but Tsuzuki helped me, and I stopped being that way. I didn't need that protective shell around him, because I knew that he'd never hurt me.
I guess I was wrong.
~~~~
I get home just around sunset, which is kind of alarming because I don't remember where I've been all day. I've just sort of been stumbling around in a daze. Well, that's excellent. I should eat, but I'm not hungry. I could try to sleep, but somehow I think I would just end up staring at the ceiling and wishing that I could kill myself. Which I can't, of course.
Somehow I end up lying on the kitchen floor. I really have to start paying attention to what my body does when I'm not looking. It's past dinner. I wonder if Tsuzuki's eaten yet. Did Muraki take him out to dinner? Buy him dessert, maybe?
What are they doing now?
I have to stop thinking like this. Screw that, I have to stop thinking altogether. There's one traditional cure for that, and it's the two bottles of wine in the back of our cupboard. I'm not sure why Tsuzuki had them; I think he was saving them for a special occasion. Well, what's more special than losing your own true love to the man who raped and killed you?
Never been a better time to get drunk, if you ask me.
I've been working on my liquor tolerance since that one cup of sake knocked me out, though I still don't like sake in general, I can drink quite a bit now. Hopefully I'll drink enough to pass out. Passing out sounds really good right about now.
~~~~
My head is pounding. And so is the door. No. Not right. Doors can't pound. Think someone is pounding on the door. Feeling kind of giddy. Not usually a word that can be applied to me. Can giddy be used as a bad thing? It's bad now. Like not all here. Floating. Three inches out of my body. One and a half bottles of wine out of my body, really. Why is the door pounding? This whole thing just isn't making any sense. Not much makes sense when you're plastered. Plastered. Funny word. What does wall material have to do with alcohol consumption? And why can I still remember the meaning of the word consumption when I can't figure out why someone is pounding on the door?
Nitwit. Stupid idiot. Someone is pounding on the door because they want me to answer it. Why else would they be pounding on it? Sheesh. Okay, self. Get up. Right. I'm lying on the kitchen table. Why the table? Not sure, really. Don't remember when or how I got up here. Think it was to keep the wine within reach. Reach. Reach for the wine. Yeah, that's good.
Oh right. Was gonna answer the door. Why am I still conscious? Normally I would've passed out half a bottle ago. Door. Where is the door? I really should know this. I live here. With Tsuzuki. I bet he would know where the door is. Except I don't know where he is. He must be . . . out. Somewhere. Can't remember. Brain hurts is fuzzy. No. I don't know. Never mind.
Door. Haul self off the kitchen table, wind up on kitchen floor. Progress! Crawl to the door. Would look in peephole but it's too far up. Kinda manage to haul myself up enough to pull the door open, then fall forward right onto whoever it is. I hope it isn't Tatsumi.
It's Tatsumi. Remind me to never hope for anything again.
He gives me a look. The kind of look he always gives me. You know, that look. The one that clearly states he thinks I'm an idiot. Guess he's right. Why am I drunk, anyway? It seemed like a really good idea but now I don't actually remember why. Think it had something to do with Tsuzuki. Who isn't with Tatsumi. So that's strange, but I don't know where he is or what's he doing. That doesn't sound right. Whatever.
"Ohayo, Tatsumi . . ." Is it morning? When is it? When am I? Why did I say ohayo when I have no idea what time of day it is? Head hurts. "Why're you here?"
"I came to check on you." Tatsumi lets himself in and shuts the door behind him. I'm still kneeling on the floor, kind of in a puddle. Didn't think people could be puddles, but somehow seems to be a good . . . you know. Thing. Metaphor. "Seems like a good thing. What have you been doing?"
"Doing? Nothing. Nothing but . . . sitting. Or lying. On the kitchen table. With the wine. We were saving it for something but I wanted it."
Tatsumi pinches the bridge of his nose, looking . . . I dunno. Looking something unpleasant, that's for damn sure. "Kurosaki-kun, how much wine have you drank?"
I laugh. Why it's funny is sort of beyond me, but it seems funny so I'm going with it. "I dunno. Count the empty bottles if you wanna know."
Pained, that's the word I was going for. Tatsumi looks pained. He walks into the kitchen, so I follow him. Sorta crawling. "Were these both full when you started drinking?" Tatsumi asks, picking up the one that's half full.
"I don't remember." I'm still laughing. For some reason all this seems terribly funny. I grab the chair and use it to pull myself into a standing position, then wobble over and take the bottle. I think it would taste bad but I'm not really tasting anymore. Don't think I've eaten all day, so maybe my taste buds have forgotten how to work.
Tatsumi takes it back. "You shouldn't drink anymore."
"Yeah I should." I grab the bottle and start trying to pull it away, which is really not working at all. Damn him anyway. "'m not sleep yet."
He raises an eyebrow. "You were planning on drinking until you passed out?"
Laughing again. "Sure wasn't drinking for the fun of it." Actually don't remember why I was drinking. Good thing, 'cause it would probably hurt to remember. "D'you know where Tsuzuki's?"
He gives me a long, steady look. "Have you eaten anything today?"
"Lunch maybe. Don't know. Don't 'member where I was at lunchtime." I don't like that answer. What kind of answer is that? He answered my question with a question that had nothing to do with my question! "Where's Tsuzuki?"
"I think you need to go to bed," he says. Avoiding me again!
Well, show him. Stamp my foot. I'll just throw a good old-fashioned temper tantrum. Mommy hated those. She got Daddy to beat me when I did it, but I don't think Tatsumi would do that. "I want Tsuzuki!"
Tatsumi looks . . . that word again, I've forgotten it. "You can't have Tsuzuki, so go to bed."
"Can't sleep all by myself . . ."
"That's ridiculous and you know it. You sleep in a bed by yourself when you're on assignment."
"But not this bed." Tug on his arm. That might help. "This bed is for me an' Tsuzuki. Not for just me. It smells like him. Like, um, that thing . . . that Tsuzuki smells like, never mind, I don't remember."
He gives me a look. "You really don't remember where Tsuzuki is?"
"Well, no, but that's what the wine was for, ne?" I grab for the bottle again, but he holds it out of my reach. Then he empties it into the sink. "Hey! That was . . . um . . . for something . . . my head hurts. Whyn't I pass out yet?"
Tatsumi sighs, pulls out a chair, and sits down. I think he's wondering why he got stuck with the task of checking up on me. Because who would want to check up on me anyway? No one cares about me 'cept Tsuzuki, not really anyway. I miss Tsuzuki wanna know where he is.
Whoops, fell over. On the floor now. Kinda kneeling. Looking at Tatsumi's knees. They're very . . . ordinary knees. But there's only so unique you can get with knees I guess.
"I want Tsuzuki but he's gone." My profound statement of the day. It can only go downhill from here. "That's all I remember. That he's gone." Great crying now. Can't really stop it but not sure I care. Eyes hurt. No. Head hurts, that's what I meant. Crying and my head just somehow ended up in Tatsumi's lap. Think he's gonna kill me. Of all the laps to be crying into, really, why'd it have to be Tatsumi's?
But he doesn't kill me, which I'm beginning to think might be preferable, he just sits there. He doesn't say anything but I guess that's because he knows there's nothing he can say. Finally no more crying. Feel sick. Like throw up sick. Don't want to throw up in Tatsumi's lap. "Gonna be sick."
"You know where the bathroom is," Tatsumi says. Given that earlier I didn't remember where the door was that's not really true, but I manage to stumble in there anyway. Hate being sick. Stand up and the world comes in waves. Falling.
~~~~
Oh. God. I've never felt so awful in my entire life. My stomach is churning and my head is throbbing. My legs feel like jelly. It's a good thing I'm not sitting up. Try to open my eyes, but they're gummed shut. Oh that hurts. The light is too bright, so I close them again. Got a brief glimpse of someone here. Don't know who, because I can't feel them. Wait. That means it must be Akimiya.
"Are you awake?"
Yup, definitely Akimiya. He seems fond of asking the stupid questions right around now. I remember something vague about being angry with him, but at the moment the past couple days are pretty blurry. "Nnnghk," I reply.
"I'll take that as a yes. Can you sit up?"
"Unnnh." What the hell has happened to my language skills? I'm reduced to Neaderthalesque monosyllabic grunts. Just what I needed to enhance my image. I try to shove myself into a sitting position, but the world spins alarmingly and I drop back. "Ohgod." Hey, that was two syllables! I'm really improving.
"You need to drink some water. You're dehydrated."
I have to speak carefully in between the sudden bursts of stars behind my closed eyelids. "I'm -- going -- to -- be -- sick." Swallow hard. Trying to hold back the nausea. What with how often I've been throwing up lately, I'm amazed that I'm not losing weight like crazy.
"Roll over."
I open my eyes to see Akimiya put the trash basket by the side of the bed. That's good, 'cause I really don't think I could make it to the bathroom in my current condition. What the hell was I doing last night, anyway? I roll over and am promptly violently ill.
Akimiya hands me a tissue to wipe the involuntary tears off my face, then hands me the glass of water. "Drink that. I'll be right back." He picks up the trash can and leaves the room. I can only barely manage to hold the glass up to my lips and drink. Once I get the first swallow down, though, I realize that my mouth tastes like cotton balls and week-old rum. I'm pathetically thirsty. The rest of the glass is gone in three swallows.
He comes back in with another glass of water and a bowl of rice. "Eat the rice and you can have the water."
"Ugh." I look at the rice and my stomach lurches. "Don't think I can."
"You'd better. You didn't eat anything at all yesterday." He sits back down and hands me the rice, with a spoon. I'm not really up to using chopsticks and he seems to understand this. I start to eat the rice, mostly because I really want the water. I guess I am hungry after all. "You're lucky, you know. That fall you took would have killed a regular person."
Fall? I don't remember falling. It might explain why my head aches so badly, though.
Akimiya sees the look of confusion on my face. "You don't remember?"
My mouth is full of rice, so I shake my head. Then swallow. "I remember leaving work yesterday . . . everything after that is pretty fuzzy. I think I made an idiot out of myself in front of Tatsumi." Pause. "Hey, what time is it?"
"It's midmorning. Tatsumi-san gave me the day off from work so I could come here and make sure you were all right. I think he stayed here last night."
"Oh. God. Shoot me now, please."
Akimiya laughs slightly. "You don't remember getting drunk?"
"I think the word you're looking for is 'wasted', actually. It's there in patches. When did I fall?"
"Tatsumi-san said you went into the bathroom to be sick, then he heard a thud. You fell and cracked your head on the side of the tub. Probably would've killed you, you know, if you weren't already dead."
"I don't remember that at all." Pause. "I think I was really drunk."
"I don't really blame you."
I finish the rice and reach for the water. "Why are you here? To make yourself feel better about what happened?"
"No," he says quietly. "Because I'm your friend. Or was, anyway. And I'm worried about you."
My head hurts. "I want to be angry with you," I admit. "But I'm not. Yesterday . . . yesterday was bad. I guess I'm a little better now. But if I wasn't mad at you for trying to kill me, I suppose it's not fair to be mad at you for nearly succeeding. Besides," I add, giving him a look, "you're torturing yourself over it enough without my help."
He laughs softly. "Yeah, I guess I am. Hisoka, I can't . . . I can't apologize enough. And I know that . . . that you'll never forgive me, but . . ."
"Shut up, Akimiya." I press both hands to my face. "Don't make yourself any more miserable than you already are. You did it for the woman you love, and . . . I can't hate you for that. You were manipulated. We all were."
Silence for a minute. I put the empty glass on the side table. My head hurts too much to be having this conversation.
"Tatsumi-san said he was going to go to Chijou today," Akimiya finally says. "To speak to Tsuzuki about his job. He said he'd probably be in tomorrow."
I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Who would it be harder for, really? Akimiya wasn't allowed to see Rika at all. I'll be able to see Tsuzuki, but not to have him. Which way is worse? "All right."
Another pause.
"It does . . . get better, you know," he says hesitantly. "It doesn't stop hurting, but . . . you can stop thinking about it all the time."
"You're not fooling anyone, least of all me. I'm an empath. It didn't get better for you. You just repressed it. You were obsessed, Akimiya. Now stop trying to help. It won't work, and we'll only both end up feeling worse."
Silence.
"Is she staying?" I finally ask.
He nods slightly. "Aa. She's staying."
"That's good." Close my eyes. "It'd really suck if this was all for nothing. I'd be pissed."
He doesn't reply to that.
"Is there anything else you need?" he finally asks.
"No. I just . . . I think I'll try to get some sleep."
"Do you want me to go? Or stay?"
I roll over onto my side, facing away from him. "Please . . . stay. I don't really want to be alone right now."
"Aa."
But even though he's there, I've never felt more alone.
~~~~
See everybody soon, hopefully. ^_^