DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill - Paramount is God.  All hail Paramount.  They own everything in the Star Trek Universe - I'm just using my overactive imagination to take their characters where they refuse to go.  All in the name of fun, not profit (I wish).

CAUSALITY

CHAPTER NINE: SECOND CHANCES

Fragmented thoughts slowly penetrated the Captain's consciousness.  The first thing she became aware of was that the burning pain in her side was gone and it no longer hurt to move.  She could tell she was somewhere bright and warm, but her thoughts were too sluggish to piece together where that might be.

After a few seconds, she became aware of a voice and a hand on her shoulder.

"Captain?  Can you hear me?"

She slowly forced her eyelids open, squinting as the bright lights in the Sickbay roof stung her eyes.  When her eyes adjusted to the light, she could see the Doctor hovering over her.

"Doctor," she said hoarsely, trying to sit up.  The room seemed to spin around her and she fell back on the bed.

"Not so fast, Captain," he said gently.

She heard the doors to Sickbay open, and when she rolled her head to the side she saw Chakotay enter.  His anxious expression evaporated when he met her gaze.  He moved to her side, and as he reached her she tried to sit up again, slower and with the Doctor's help.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Sore…and a little disoriented."

"Understandable," said the Doctor, scanning her with a tricorder.  "You gave us all quite a scare.  Fortunately, due to my medical prowess you'll soon be back on your feet."

He caught a glance from Chakotay and, taking the hint, left him alone with the Captain.  The Doctor moved off to his office and as soon as he was out of hearing range Chakotay turned to the Captain.

"What do you remember?" he asked her.

She frowned.  "I was in the cave…the Mallorians attacked us.  I was trying to reach you, then…everything else is a blur."

"There was a cave-in that cut us off from the rest of the security team," he offered, filling in the blanks.  "You were injured, but we managed to get you to one of the access shafts and make it to the surface."

"We?  Did you…"

"Your…double?"

She nodded wordlessly.

"She helped me get you to the surface.  She…was shot by the Mallorians during the escape.  She didn't make it."

She was silent for a few seconds as she absorbed this information.  "Did she tell you…what happened to her?"

"About being stranded with the Mallorians for five years?"  He nodded.  "Yes, she told me."

Her eyes searched his face, trying to determine how much her double had revealed to him.  There was something he wasn't telling her, she was sure.  When she was unable to determine anything from his expression, she changed the subject.

"Are we still in orbit of Mallor Prime?"

"No.  We broke orbit as soon as we made it back to the ship.  If we had stayed any longer I think the Mallorians would have sent ships after us."

The Doctor returned from his office and moved towards the Captain.  "I'd like to run some more tests on the Captain, and she should probably get some rest."

Chakotay nodded and moved to leave.  He took a step away from her side, but then reached over and squeezed her shoulder.  "It's good to have you back, Kathryn."

She arched an eyebrow.  "I didn't realize I was gone."

He smiled.  "It's good to have you back all the same."

She watched him as move out the doors as the Doctor scanned her with a tricorder.  She sat still while he worked, deep in thought, but after a few moments she spoke up quietly.

"Doctor…did you see her?"

"Your alter ego?"  He slowly closed the tricorder.  "In a manner of speaking."

She frowned.  "What do you mean?"

"She was already dead when I examined her."

She thought for a few seconds before she spoke up again.  "How did she die?"

"She was shot point blank with a Mallorian disruptor.  The tissue damage was irreparable."

"No, I mean…how did she die?  Was it on the planet?"

"From my understanding, she was shot on the planet and died shortly after the away team made it back to Voyager.  You'll have to ask Commander Chakotay if you want to know more."

She looked up sharply.  "Why?"

"Lieutenant Paris said he was with her when she died."

Her eyes dropped to the floor as she processed this information.  Chakotay had watched her die -- that would explain whatever she had sensed from him.  She could only imagine what her double had said.  Being without him for five years, then laying critically injured, him by her side and only seconds to live…she knew what she might have said in the same situation.

And if he knew half of what her double had told her…

She left the sentence hanging in her mind and let out a deep sigh.  Whatever he knew, she hoped it wouldn't affect their command relationship.  Or their friendship.

*

The doors to the Captain's quarters slid open in front of Chakotay and he stepped tentatively inside.  The room was fairly dark, but after a few seconds his eyes adjusted and he could make out the Captain sitting on one of the couches by the windows.  He moved across the room towards her.

"I see the Doctor finally let you out of confinement."

She chuckled.  "On the condition that I stay off duty for another twenty-four hours."

"I'll try and keep the ship in one piece until then."

She smiled and leaned back on the couch.  "Did you just want to rub it in or was there a reason you stopped by?"

He instantly became serious and sat down in a chair facing her.  "I thought you might be curious about what happened on the surface.  After you were injured."

She looked at him in silence for a few moments, then nodded.

He briefly explained what had happened after the cave-in, but he avoided discussing his conversations with her double and related only the facts of their escape.  When he finished, telling her how there had been nothing they could do to save her double, they sat in silence for a long time.

She scrutinized his face, trying to determine what he was holding back.  "How much did she tell you?"

He knew instantly what she meant.  "She told me it was hard on her, being separated from…the crew.  She said she had a lot of regrets."

Her eyes searched his.  She could tell he was hiding something…but as she continued to look at him, it felt as though he was searching for something in her eyes and she turned away her gaze, uncomfortable.  She turned her eyes to the stars streaking by the window, hoping the steady motion would calm her turbulent thoughts.

He knew she was probably aware of his scrutiny, but he couldn't take his eyes off her face.  It felt like they were close to something, but he wasn't sure whether to push forward or pull back.  Telling her more could destroy their friendship, but he wasn't sure he could hold back.

"I just…I needed…I don't know what I needed.  A good push, maybe.  But you could never push me."

"I thought it would make things worse."

"It might have, at first.  But I probably would have come around in the end."

Could he really trust what her double had said?  Being alone for five years could have twisted her perspective and intensified any feelings she had for him.  What if she was wrong -- what if Kathryn didn't "come around"?  Could he really risk their friendship?

Just then, she turned around from the window, surprised to see him still staring at her.  He felt a pang of guilt at her innocent questioning expression.  In all the years they had known each other, he had always been completely honest with her.  There had never been any secrets between them…how could he leave without telling her everything?

He moved over to sit next to her on the couch.  "Kathryn…I think you deserve to know the rest."

She eyed him carefully.  "The rest of what?"

"The rest of what she told me."

She squeezed her eyes shut.  "Chakotay…don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't say something we'll both regret," she pleaded.

He scrutinized her face and his eyes widened.  "You know what she told me," he said softly.

She looked away from him, trying to slow her racing thoughts.

"Just think how many regrets you would have right now if you knew you were never going to see Chakotay or the crew again.  But you will have a chance to make up for those regrets.  Those missed opportunities."

She knew that this, right now, was one of those opportunities.  But despite the voice that was screaming inside her head to tell him, her lips refused to move.  She couldn't tell him.  It could destroy their friendship, their command relationship.  She couldn't let that happen…but could she really keep silent after everything her double had told her?  Everything she knew that she felt as well?

He reached over and rested his hand on her shoulder.  The unexpected gesture broke her resolve and she turned to look at him, emotion shining from her soft blue eyes.

"Of course I know what she told you," she whispered.

He could barely hear his own voice over his heart thumping in his ears.  "And?"

Her lack of restraint didn't last and he saw the flash of pain in her eyes as she turned away from him.  Her silence was enough for him to understand that despite her experience she wasn't ready to open up to him.

He sighed and closed his eyes.  He should have known that even this wasn't enough to overcome her scruples about protocol.  "I should go," he said softly, resting his hand on her shoulder.  She didn't move, still staring out the window.

She barely registered him rising from the couch as she stared out at the stars streaking by the window. 

"Imagine waking up every morning for five years and not knowing where they were.  If they were safe.  If they finally managed to get home."

Every Starfleet bone in her body, every instinct she had cultivated over her long career, was telling her to let him go.  But, just as strongly, all her feelings for Chakotay that had been building for the last seven years were begging her to call him back. 

"I'm trying to make you realize that you have something special here, and you're bound and determined to ignore it."

The violent storm in her mind increased -- her Starfleet principles against her heart.  The Captain against Kathryn.  Emotions hit her one after the other, making her wince as if she was in physical pain.  She pressed her hands to her ears in an attempt to stop her raging emotions and thoughts.

"You've wasted so many years.  It stops here, Kathryn."

"Chakotay."

The chaos in her mind was silenced as he turned around.  He was surprised at the tone of her voice and even more surprised when he saw the emotion in her eyes.  He moved towards her and sat next to her, waiting for her to continue.

"You said," she began softly, "That I deserved to know what happened on the planet.  I think you deserve to know what she told me."

"Kathryn…"
"No, let me finish.  I may never have the nerve to say this again."

He smiled.  "I've never known you to lack the nerve for anything."

She took a deep breath.  "You know that she had a lot of regrets.  That it killed her, being separated from the crew…from you.  She told me…she wished she had told you…how she felt.  How every day she wished...that she had..."  She paused and looked in his dark eyes, seeing their seven years of trust and friendship reflected back at her, and she knew she didn't have to finish the sentence.

The emotional release was so great that the tears she had been holding back started to run down her cheeks and she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her face into his shoulder.  "I don't know what I would do without you," she whispered.

They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, but eventually he pulled away from her.  They stared at each other, their eyes seemingly locked together, then slowly he reached around his neck and removed a pendant that was partially concealed by his uniform.

He fingered the carving on the blue stone.  "She gave this to me," he said slowly.  "On the surface, before she was shot."

He handed it to her and watched her react when she recognized the pattern.  "She wanted to be near you," she said softly.

His eyes widened.  "How did you know that?"

She smiled sadly.  "It seems like something I would do…if I lost you."

Their eyes were fixed on each other again, but after a few seconds the uneasy silence was broken.

"We can talk about this later," said Chakotay, watching her as she examined the pendant.  "I should probably go."

She didn't answer him but offered him the pendant.

He put his hand over hers and closed her fingers over it.  "No, keep it."  He rose from the couch.  "I think she would have wanted you to have it."  He took a deep breath.  "Kathryn…I know that nothing…I know we have to keep our relationship strictly professional.  I know that you need it that way.  Keep the pendant."

He was almost halfway to the door by the time she had control of her voice enough to call after him.  "What if I don't want it?"

He turned around in surprise.  "What?"

She stood up and threw the pendant down on the table.  "I don't want some cold, unfeeling piece of rock.  I want you."

He was too stunned to answer at first as she closed the distance between them.  "Kathryn…"

She reached him and silenced him with a finger over his lips.  "It's taken me a while…but I'm not going to walk away from this.  Not again."

It was obvious he was reluctant to believe her.  She could tell even though he remained resolutely silent.

"I could see what losing you did to her," she continued, her voice beginning to tremble.  "I know what she went through, how her regret consumed her.  I don't want to become that person."  She reached up and rested her hands on his shoulders.  "Who knows what could happen tomorrow, or the day after that.  I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that I've lost what we could have together."

He took her hands in his and gently removed them from his shoulders.  "Kathryn, I want you to take some time to think about this.  I want you to be sure."

"I've wasted seven years waiting to be sure.  I think it's time I did something on faith instead of looking for some kind of justification in rules and protocols."

Before he had a chance to object again, she leaned forward and kissed him.  His resistance only lasted a few seconds before he returned the kiss.  She started to pull away, but he put his hands on her hips and pulled her against his body, leaning down to kiss her again.  When their lips met, she wrapped her arms around his neck as their kiss became more passionate.

They pulled away from each other, panting for breath.  She leaned forward and he kissed her forehead softy.

"I should go," he said softly.

She shook her head and leaned closer to him.  "No.  Stay."

He closed his eyes, trying to shut out her beautiful face that was tempting him to do what she wanted against his better judgment.  "Kathryn, if you change your mind in the morning I don't want to lose your friendship.  Or your respect."

She leaned forward, so close that when she spoke he could feel her lips moving against his.  "I've gone this far…I can't go back.  I don't want to go back."

His eyes were still shut, and he leaned forward and rested his head against hers.  He could smell her hair as it brushed against his cheek.  He moved his hands slowly up and down her hips, and she pulled away from him slightly and tilted her head up, kissing him again gently.

When they broke apart again, he sighed.  "What about protocol?" he asked softly.

She shook her head before she answered.  "It doesn't matter."

He placed his hand on her chin and tilted her face up towards him.  "We both know that's not true, Kathryn.

She looked away.  "No," she said slowly.  "But…it's not as important as this."  She looked up at him again.  "Just because there are going to be obstacles doesn't mean we couldn't make it work."

"Are you sure?" he asked again.

She leaned forward and kissed him again.  She put her hand around the back of his head ran her fingers through his hair.

He took this as her answer and followed as she slowly started to back towards her bedroom.  She slipped her hands inside his uniform jacket and started to push it off his shoulders.  He did the same for her as they backed up against the wall that divided her quarters.

They shifted sideways, still locked together.  Chakotay pulled his arms from her long enough to pull his turtleneck and his tank top over his head, and she pulled off her turtleneck as well.

Engrossed in undressing, they backed up against the bed unexpectedly and fell on it in a heap.  Their lips finally broke apart at the fall, and Chakotay found himself laying on top of Kathryn, half on the bed.  He stared at her in silence for a few seconds, mesmerized by her hair splayed out below her head and her heaving chest only partially concealed by the tank top.

The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile and she reached up, tracing his tattoo with her finger.

"I'm sure."

*    *    *

Kathryn shifted slightly on her side, pulling the blankets closer around her.  She could tell it was early, so she didn't open her eyes and allowed herself to remain half asleep, taking comfort in the warmth surrounding her.

I could feel his arms around me, his breath on the back of my neck.  It was so peaceful, so comforting.  And then I woke up, and he was gone.

Her eyes snapped open in a sudden panic and she lay perfectly still.

When she became sure that she wasn't imagining the rising and falling of his chest next to her back, she relaxed and closed her eyes again with a smile.

She knew that she should wake him.  She wanted a chance to talk before their shifts began…but a few more minutes wouldn't hurt.

Her smile widened as he shifted closer to her in his sleep and put his arm around her waist.

So much had happened to get to this point.  So much loneliness, suffering, and loss.  So many mistakes.

But not his time.

This time, she had done something right.