Warnings: Nothing happens in this chapter. It's just one long fit of depression.
Chapter Nine
Somehow, and God only knows how, I manage to fall asleep again. Way to go, me. I wake up again at around three in the morning, feeling totally awake and completely miserable. Usually if I wake up, Tsuzuki and I will go make hot chocolate, and then I'll try to get back to sleep, and if I can't we'll talk for a while and --
I've got to stop doing that.
Akimiya is still here, but he's asleep in the armchair. I suppose I owe him and Tatsumi for staying with me, but really I think they just don't trust me. I'm not sure I trust myself. All that pretty talk about not wasting Tsuzuki's sacrifice aside, the thing I'd like most right now (well, except for getting Tsuzuki back, but that's pretty obvious) is to curl into a ball and die.
I should probably stop doing that, too.
Well, let's see. Tatsumi dumped out the wine, so I can't just drown my sorrows like I did earlier. I'm not hungry in the slightest, and Akimiya is asleep. That isn't leaving me a lot of options other than staring at the ceiling and feeling miserable, so I do that until around dawn.
At six, Akimiya stirs and blinks at me. "How long've you been awake?" he asks, his voice fuzzy from sleep. I don't want to rip his throat out anymore, but I'm not terribly pleased with him anyway. Forgiven, but never forgotten.
"I dunno," I lie, because I don't really want him to know I've been moping like an idiot for three hours straight out of sheer lack of energy to do anything else. "A while, I guess." Sit up. Good going, me. Climb out of bed, even better. Nearly fall over from dizziness. Not so good going.
"You need to eat something," Akimiya says, standing up and helping me back onto the bed. "A bowl of rice isn't sufficient for two days. If I cook something, will you eat it?"
"Yeah," I say, more because I don't feel like arguing with him than out of any real desire to eat. Also because I want to go to work and distract myself, and I don't think I can do that if I can't walk straight. I want to know what happened when Tatsumi went to see Tsuzuki yesterday, too.
"Okay. Don't try to go anywhere, for crying out loud." Akimiya rubs his eyes and wanders out into the living room. I ignore him and wobble my way into the bathroom. Some cold water on my face has me feeling slightly more human. I ignore the waves of dizziness and manage to struggle into some clothing, then go out into the kitchen. Even if I feel like crap, I'm going to act as normally as possible.
"Idiot," Akimiya remarks, as I make my way into the kitchen and pour myself a mug of tea from the fresh pot on the counter. He must have just made it.
"And proud of it." I dump some sugar in the tea; that'll help with the dizziness, then start to sip at it. My head aches, probably from lack of food. Either that or the still lingering hangover, but I think that's probably gone by now.
Akimiya sighs and continues with what he's doing, which actually smells really good. Pancakes. I bet he doesn't know that's one of Tsuzuki's favorite breakfast foods. Otherwise he wouldn't be cooking it, because Akimiya is a smart guy.
He puts a plate down in front of me. "Now eat all of that, and then I'm going to go home and change and I'll meet you at work, okay?"
"But first you're going to sit here and watch me to make sure I eat every bite?" I surmise, pouring syrup on the pancakes.
"Damn straight."
I really hate him sometimes.
So I eat the damn pancakes and then he leaves to go home and probably be all lovey dovey with Rika, which I would be annoyed about if I had the energy. I heard a really good description of depression once, actually, which was something along the lines of "people tell you to cheer up, and if you had the energy, you'd strangle them."
Or kill yourself, but that's beside the point.
By now it's nearly eight in the morning. I go for a walk before work. That's something that's always helped me think. Of course, it's also something that got me raped and murdered, but hey, who's keeping score?
Right. Office. Go inside, hang up my jacket. Everything's normal. Everything's fine. If I just keep telling myself that . . .
I won't notice that Tsuzuki is standing next to the coffee machine.
My jacket slides right out of my fingers and lands on the floor with a soft thud. For some reason, this is enough noise for everyone in the entire office to look over at me, and everything goes very quiet all of a sudden.
"Ts . . . Tsu . . ." I have lost grip on all language skills. Even drunk I was doing better than this.
Even the furniture seems to be holding its breath.
Tsuzuki gives me a big smile. "Ohayo, Hisoka!"
He's actually going to try to pretend nothing's wrong. I knew he was an idiot, but this really takes the cake. I swallow hard. Try to manage to speak. It's totally not working. And everyone is just staring at me. I really wish they'd stop that. The silence is so loud that it's deafening me.
Deep breaths. Right. If I pass out again, I'm just shooting myself right here.
". . . ohayo?" Tsuzuki tries again, his smile faltering.
I'm not doing this in front of everyone. I'm not going to start crying again. I'm not, I'm not, I'm really not.
Akimiya walks in, at which point I realize I'm still standing in the doorway, because he nearly walks into me. He, having slightly less tact than everyone else but not being tongue-tied like I am, stares openly at Tsuzuki. "You're here."
"Aa," Tsuzuki says. And that's all he says. He's giving Akimiya a look that borders on being dirty. I suppose he's not too pleased with him either.
Akimiya backs away a step, unconsciously.
"Are you okay?" Hey, look, my voice came back. Without warning, or informing me of what it was going to say.
Tsuzuki smiles again. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine."
"H-He didn't . . . hurt you?" I've got to get myself to shut up. This just isn't something we should be discussing in front of everyone.
"No, no." Tsuzuki waves his hands around, looking slightly distressed. "I'm fine, really."
"That's . . . that's good."
I'm saved as Tatsumi walks in and gives the entire room that mildly deceptive look that means 'get back to work before I dock all your pay.' Everyone scurries back to what they were doing, which I find pretty amusing, seeing as Tatsumi didn't even have to say anything. Tsuzuki sort of eeps and then darts into the hallway leading towards the lab. My feet are following him, which I didn't instruct them to do.
"Tsuzuki, wait. Please."
He stops in the middle of the hallway, which is blessedly empty, with his back still turned to me. "Hisoka . . ."
"Please . . . don't turn away from me . . ." I'm walking now, unsteadily, towards him. Wrap my arms around him from behind, hiding my face in the back of his shirt. "Please . . ."
There's a long minute of silence, before he takes hold of my hands and literally pries me off of him, then steps away. He still won't look at me. "I can't," he finally says. "I'm . . . not allowed . . . to let you touch me."
Okay. That's it. I think my brain just caved in. My knees did, at any rate, because I'm now on the floor. And it hurts. It hurts like someone just took an axe to my chest. I can't even breathe through the pain.
"No . . ."
"Gomen ne, Hisoka . . ."
"NO."
I slam my fists into the floor, hoping that will distract me. It doesn't. There are soft footsteps and Tatsumi walks up. He doesn't say anything. He and Tsuzuki look at each other for a long minute, before Tsuzuki looks away.
"Doesn't matter anyway," he mumbles.
"You can't say that," I manage. My voice is wobbling so hard it's about to start registering on the Richter scale. "I can't do this every day. I just can't."
He and Tatsumi give each other that look again.
"I mean, it's not as if you're going to transfer and I'm going to -- oh." It sets in. No, that's not quite true. I figure it out, but it doesn't set in. "Oh. When?"
Tsuzuki looks away. "Day after tomorrow."
"Where?"
"We're not sure yet. Another division, that's all."
Where he won't have to see any of us. Especially not me. "Why?"
"It was my idea," Tatsumi says. I give him a glare that probably would shrivel everyone except him. "You two won't be able to work together, and don't deny that. It's easier if he just leaves."
"But . . ." There go my language skills again. I can't protest, because Tatsumi is right. But at the same time, I can't agree, because I can't live without him. And suddenly the words burst out of me. "Don't you realize that I would have rather died than lost you?!"
There's a long moment of silence.
"I know," Tsuzuki finally says. "But I couldn't let that happen. Not if there was a way I could stop it."
"But Muraki . . . Muraki is . . . you two are . . ."
Tsuzuki presses his hands against his face. "I know."
"I can't. I can't accept this."
"You have to."
"I CAN'T!"
Tsuzuki walks over and pulls me into a hug, and we both sink to the floor, clinging to each other.
"I thought you weren't allowed to touch me."
"He said . . . I could do whatever I needed to . . . to say goodbye to you."
Of course. Because Muraki doesn't want me hanging over Tsuzuki's head, not now that he's finally gotten him. Whatever it takes for Tsuzuki to let go of me. Muraki either doesn't realize or doesn't care that I'll never be able to let go of him.
While we sit there, Akimiya walks up. He stops in his tracks when he sees us, and backs away. I'm not sure Tsuzuki even realizes that he's there.
He finally lets go of me and stands, helping me to my feet. "Hisoka . . . be brave, okay? I think you can do this."
I just shake my head, feeling numb.
He kisses my forehead and says something usually reserved for the most private of moments. "Ai shiteru, Hisoka . . . I really do."
Tears are running down both of our faces now, unchecked and unheeded. "Please. Please don't do this."
"I have to." He kisses me again, on the lips this time. "Sayonara."
And he turns and walks away.
I watch him go, watch until he's out of sight, vanished around a turn in the corridor. Tatsumi and Akimiya are watching me, probably waiting for the inevitable explosion. I turn to them slowly.
"Tatsumi . . .?"
He looks at me.
"Send me somewhere. Anywhere. There must be some assignment that needs doing. I don't care if I'm looking for someone's pair of lost socks. I don't care if you send me to Antarctica, but get me the hell out of here. If I . . . If I see him again . . ."
Tatsumi nods, and understands. One goodbye is enough.
"Come to my office," he says after a brief pause. "And we'll talk about it."
~~~~
Tatsumi, bless his dear little heart, manages to find pretty much the perfect case. It's in a remote corner of Japan so we won't be near Tsuzuki and Muraki. It won't require a great deal of concentration (i.e. I'm not going to wind up getting myself killed out of distraction) but will need enough thought to distract me from what's been happening.
Akimiya and I spend the morning discussing the case and doing some poking around, and then he takes me out to lunch. Night falls before I'm even really aware of it and we go to a nearby hotel.
He reviews what we've learned, more for my benefit than for his, I'm sure. I try to listen, but the entire world seems to be moving about three times as fast as I'm capable of going. I'm dazed and hurt and would like nothing more than to be home in bed with Tsuzuki right now.
"How did you do it?" My voice is shaking so much I can barely recognize it as my own. "Live, every day . . . like this . . .?"
Akimiya sighs and sits down on the bed next to me. "One day at a time," he says with a shrug. "Hour by hour, minute by minute if necessary. There were minutes that were easier than others."
"It never stops hurting." It's not a question. Just a statement of something I know to be true.
He shrugs again. "Not in the seven months that I endured it, at least."
I rub my eyes, trying to push back the tears. I really have been crying too much lately. Makes me feel like a grade-A wuss. "But how did you do it? Just . . . tell me something, please."
He sighs. "Remember when we first met, and you asked how long I'd been dead?"
I nod. "Two weeks."
"How long were you dead before you got a case?"
"Uhh . . . a couple days." I frown. "Enough for Konoe-kachou to give me some basic training and stuff, but not much. But . . . there was sort of a dire need then, I mean . . ."
He shakes his head. "That's usual, from what I hear. I just didn't get anything because I was still in pieces. Don't get me wrong, every Shinigami has a story they'd rather not tell, and none of us have died in pretty ways. Or even normal ways, from what I can tell."
I wait for him to finish.
"But . . . for almost a week . . . I couldn't do anything. I fell apart every time I even tried to get out of bed. I had chosen to be a Shinigami to protect her . . . and I wanted to, but I missed her so much that every time I thought about her . . . it was like dying all over again."
"Is this supposed to encourage me?" I ask skeptically.
He shrugs. "I got past that. So will you."
"How?"
"The way I did it was the wrong way," he says. "As is evidenced by my recent nervous breakdown. I locked it all away. I pushed it back and ignored it, and didn't tell anyone. But that's not really what I would recommend."
I look away. "But . . . if there's no other way to make this stop hurting . . ."
"It doesn't make it stop hurting, Hisoka," he says gently. "It just makes it hurt differently."
"Can it possibly get worse than this?" I ask, my voice still trembling. "God, Akimiya, to sound totally cliched and pathetic, it feels like he just ripped my heart right out of my chest. I've never hurt so badly in my entire life." Words have started pouring out of my mouth, much against my will. "I know it was bad for you but you don't understand. I was always, always alone. And it hurt so much but I could never say anything. I thought that I was worthless and that no one would ever care for me.
"And then . . . Tsuzuki came . . . and it was like . . . I don't know. Like nothing I had ever felt before. All that pain and loneliness just . . . went away. He made me feel whole. He made me feel like I was actually worth something, because there was someone who cared about me. And now . . . now he's gone." I swallow hard to hold back the tears. "And I can't. I can't go back to the loneliness. I just can't."
Akimiya pulls me into a hug and I bury my face in his shoulder. "And I suppose it doesn't mean anything that you have other friends?" he asks softly.
"No," I reply. "I'm sorry, but it doesn't. I know that . . . that other people care for me now, but I don't feel it the way I did with Tsuzuki. And it's so much worse . . . knowing that he's with Muraki. Remember when you told me that you wanted Rika to be happy, even with someone else?"
He nods slightly. I don't see it, but I can feel the movement against me.
"I finally realized what you meant. If Tsuzuki was with someone now that he was happy with . . . I would try to accept it. I don't know how much I'd be able to, but I'd try. But this . . . I can't accept. He hates Muraki, and I know Muraki's going to hurt him, and it's infuriating not to be able to help."
"I know." Akimiya hugs me tighter. "And I'm . . . I'm so sorry. If I could think of anything, or if there was anything I could do . . ."
I pull away. "You really shouldn't blame yourself."
"I know," he repeats with a sigh. "But that isn't stopping me from doing it."
"You should try to be happy now," I manage. "Now that you have Rika . . . you deserve to be happy after everything the two of you went through together."
"Aa," he says. "And maybe I could forgive myself . . . if everyone else could forgive me."
"I -- "
"It isn't you," he says. "Didn't you see the way Tsuzuki was looking at me this morning? He hates me, and I don't blame him. I'm the reason he has to endure this."
"I wasn't paying much attention to anything this morning," I admit. "But . . . it isn't your fault. It's just . . . Muraki. He nearly conned me into killing myself by accident with that last stunt he pulled. This is no different, except he had the sense to try his tricks on someone who had never dealt with him before, and couldn't fight back. If I had been in your position . . . I'm not sure I would have done any differently."
"That helps now," he says, "but it won't help when Tsuzuki looks at me that way."
"It doesn't matter," I reply quietly. "You'll never see him again. None of us will."
Silence greets this statement.
Saying it makes it more real, more concrete, but oddly enough, it doesn't make it hurt any more. I think I've simply reached the limit of pain where I can't feel anymore. It doesn't matter if it gets worse, because it couldn't possibly hurt more than it already does.
"Akimiya . . ." My voice comes out as a whisper. "Tell me what to do."
He leans over and draws me into a hug. "I can't," he replies simply. "Because I don't know."
~~~~
Tatsumi greets us and takes out report when we get back about three days later. He looks tired; there are slight dark circles underneath his eyes. Probably not enough for most people to notice, but certainly enough for those of us who know him well. Or maybe I should say those of us who know him better; I'm not sure that any of us know him 'well.'
"Is he gone?" I ask. My voice is even and calm, a step above where I was when I left. I've gone numb. It's like what Akimiya said. I've just locked it all away inside. He's right. It doesn't stop hurting. It just hurts where no one can see it.
Tatsumi nods slightly. "Aa."
"All right." I don't say anything else. There's nothing I can say.
"You want to come over for dinner?" Akimiya asks me. He knows better than to leave me alone tonight, I suppose. I'm grateful in an odd way; I'd rather be alone but I know it's not a good idea. So I simply nod in silent agreement.
Rika greets Akimiya with an enthusiastic kiss, and I have to look away to keep from either crying or screaming; I'm not sure which. Then she turns to me and gives me a slight hug. I get the feeling that Akimiya keeps in touch with her while we're gone by way of his dreams, because she must have known we were coming back today, and that I'd be with him. There's dinner on the table already. Akimiya shoos me into a seat and I force myself to eat. It tastes like ash in my mouth. I'm sure the food is good, I really am, but I'm too numb to even enjoy it. I eat out of courtesy; no more, no less.
They keep up a light conversation and occasionally try to involve me, but I feel disconnected, like I'm far away and watching all this happening to someone else. Like a bad movie or something. This can't actually be me, right? I've lived through enough bad things. I was due for a break, and I got it. It couldn't have ended so quickly, could it? Tsuzuki will come back to me.
Won't he?
Eventually we all fall into a gloomy silence (that is, they fall; I already wasn't talking.) "Come on, I'll walk you home to make sure you get there okay," Akimiya says, and grabs his jacket.
It's late; the streets are silent and empty. The weather is beautiful as always; it does rain occasionally, but not often. I asked Tsuzuki why, once, because the trees are spiritual and don't need water to live and grow. The best he could come up with was that some people were comforted by the rare rainy days.
We walk in silence; Akimiya has apparently given up on finding anything to say to me. The house Tsuzuki and I share isn't large; it only has one bedroom. After all, it was where Tsuzuki lived by himself before I moved in. It's comfortable enough for two people, though too small for any more than that.
Akimiya follows me inside, presumably to make sure I even do that okay. I stop short in the doorway and he bumps into me. There's a note taped to the door.
It's very simple. It reads simply 'I thought it would be easier this way, if we didn't see each other, and Tatsumi agreed. Sayonara, Tsuzuki.'
Dreading what I'm going to find, I push open the door. The apartment is pretty much intact; he left all the furniture and most everything that did not specifically belong to him. But everything that would even remotely remind me of him -- his clothes, his books, even the chocolate cake mixes in the pantry -- is gone.
Akimiya follows me around the house as I dazedly discover each missing item, and we finally stop in the middle of the living room. I can't think. I don't know if I should be upset or glad. Pretty much all I know is that if killing myself was an option right now, it's one I would be taking.
"Do you want to come back over?" Akimiya asks hesitantly.
I want to take him up on the offer, want it badly, but shake my head. "What good would it do? It'll still all be here tomorrow and I'll have to face it then. Putting it off for a day won't help, and I can't put it off indefinitely."
He nods, offers a few brief words of comfort that mean nothing, and leaves. It's barely even nine, but I'm too numb to even think; so I just crawl into my pajams and curl up on the sofa. I can't sleep in the bed yet. I just can't. It still smells of him. No, that's not true. It doesn't smell of him. It smells of us.
I turn the television on and stare blankly at it, disjointed words and images that I can't fit together into any useful picture. Nothing seems to fit together right now. Everything's just one big blur. I guess I never realized how much I depended on Tsuzuki to give my life meaning and focus.
I can't stop thinking about him.
It only takes about half an hour for me to give in. Now I know how Akimiya must have felt, trying not to dream about Rika. I reach out to Tsuzuki with my empathy. I could always find him empathically, always.
He's hurting. I can feel him. It hurts him so badly to be with Muraki. He's afraid and in pain, and I can't help.
So I do the only thing I can think of; wrap an empathic embrace around him, surrounding his mind with mine. There's a flash of startlement as he recognizes my presence, a brief wave of disapproval -- he knows this is a bad idea just as well as I do -- but it's covered up by the outpouring of love and desperate need.
I stay there for God knows how long, basking in the warmth of Tsuzuki's mind, before I finally fall asleep.
~~~~
Right. I apologize for the overwhelming depressiveness of that chapter. Feedback?