Chapter 17-The Truth Can Hurt
I don't know what's the matter with me. Four hours ago, I honestly thought that my life couldn't get any worse. My ex-girlfriend had killed the child I wanted so badly, my older brother had gone totally crazy and Lucas had come back to make my life hell. But somehow, life still managed to deal a cruel blow…don't ever believe it when they say that life can only get better…
I can't even think straight right now. I want to talk, I want to cry and yet somehow I can't do either of those things. The scene keeps going round and round in my mind…If only I'd done something differently, if only I'd been quicker, maybe she'd still be here with me. And the one thing that haunts me most is what I said to her before I walked away. I told her I hated her, that I wished she were dead. Then just hours later, she was. I never got to tell her that I loved her, that despite everything she did to me, I had always loved her. And now it's too late. She died believing that I hated her…if I could take that back I would. I'd give everything I had just to hold her in my arms one more time…Lana I love you. I always did. I'm sorry I never told you. I was angry; I didn't mean what I said. You'll be in my heart forever.
As Damon gave a sigh and looked up, he caught Vincent's eye. In the dim light of their dying campfire, the young boy looked paler than ever and his green eyes had a haunted look in them. In his arms he held Gary, and the two young guys clung together, no longer caring what anyone thought. Brock, Ash and Misty sat huddled together. Misty's eyes were red from crying, as were Ash's. Brock looked like he was in shock. Jessie had also been crying and James was doing his best to comfort her. Apart from the occasional soothing word, none of them had spoken since they had left the temple, after placing Lana's body carefully on the alter. Even though none of them, except Vincent and Damon, had known Lana, her death had still shocked and upset them. The fact that she had been murdered in front of their eyes shook them even more. And for Ash, Misty, Brock and Gary, Lana's death, along with everything else they had faced, had shattered their innocence and forced them to face the real horrors of the world they lived in.
Suddenly overcome by a burst of anger, Damon screwed up the paper and threw it into the fire, where it slowly burnt. Brock looked at the paper, then back at Damon. "I'm sorry…" he began to say, but Damon held up his hand and shook his head. "I don't want to hear it," he said quietly. "Not yet"
"Denying it won't bring her back" Vincent said wearily. "She's gone and talking about it might just help you realise that"
"Maybe I just don't want to talk about it" Damon snapped. "None of you can understand. None of you have loved someone like I loved Lana and then lost them"
As Brock and Vincent turned away from him, Damon felt guilty for snapping at them. He knew that they had only wanted to help, but he felt that no one could help him. Slowly he got to his feet. "I'm going for a walk," he told them, his voice trembling slightly. "I want to be alone. I'll be back soon"
"Fine" Vincent barely glanced at him as he walked away. "Be careful"
Sol-leks lifted his head up and watched as Damon disappeared into the trees. Then silently, as soon as no one was watching him, he got to his feet and trotted off after him.
Damon half walked, half ran away from the group. He didn't care where he was going; he only knew that he had to get away.
"Why?" he asked out loud, not caring if anyone could still hear him. "Why is it always me? It's always been me"
'Kevin was right' a voice in his head jeered at him. 'You're a loser, you always have been. No one loves you and no one wants you. Not even your brother'
"Shut up!" Damon yelled, shaking his head. "That's not true"
'Oh isn't it?' the voice taunted. 'Your mother never wanted you, your stepfather hated you, your brothers only stayed because they felt sorry for you and Lana…'
"Just shut up!" Damon smashed his hand against a tree, ignoring the rush of pain, which shot through his hand. "I don't want to hear it"
'Lana was screwing everything with a pulse. She never loved you and who could blame her. You treated her like dirt. It's your fault she's dead. You killed her just like you killed your parents'
"I did not…" Damon started to say, then gave up. Sinking to his knees, he put his head in his hands and began to cry. He was startled suddenly, by a wet nose pushing at his arm. Looking up, he was relieved to see that it was only Sol-leks.
"Hello Wolfang" he said, wiping his eyes with one hand and reaching out to pet his brother's pokemon with the other. "Sorry about this"
"Wolfang, Wolfang"
"I kept hearing this voice in my head. It says…things. It's driving me mad"
"Wolfang" Sol-leks moved back and looked round. "Wolfang"
"No, don't get Vincent. I'm all right, honestly. It's just getting to me, I guess. You know today, everything. It's driving me mad. I wonder if Jack's feeling like this too"
"Probably" someone answered him. Damon gave a sigh and shook his head. "Vincent" he said. "I told you I needed to be alone"
"It's not good to be alone when you're upset" Vincent told him, coming over. Sol-leks ran to meet him and Vincent rubbed the pokemon's head affectionately. "Listen Sol-leks" he said seriously. "Damon and I need to talk. I want you to go back and look after the others. Strawberry's there too. Don't let them wander off, okay?"
"Wolfang" Sol-leks gave Vincent's hand a quick lick and dashed off in the direction of the camp.
"That's quite some pokemon," Damon said, after a minute of silence. "Understands every word you say to him"
"Yeah, he's good. I'm proud to be his friend"
"That's the mark of a good trainer," Damon said seriously. "If a pokemon trainer is going to succeed, he needs to see his pokemon as friends, as his equals. Otherwise they won't do their best for him"
"Sol-leks will always be my equal" Vincent said quietly. "Damon…about Lana"
"Was it my fault?" Damon asked him, scanning his face for any sign that he was correct. Vincent shook his head. "Is that what they tell you?" he asked. "Do the voices say that its your fault? If so then that's you blaming yourself"
"Good point. They say she never really loved me"
"This is not going to be what you want to hear" Vincent started, and then hesitated. "I don't think Lana really loved anyone," he continued. "And you two didn't exactly have a great relationship, but I think the fact that she was with you for a year, when she could have had anyone else, shows that she did feel something for you. If it was love, if it was just affection, I don't know"
"Did I really treat her like dirt?"
"I don't know. You treated her like you treated me, pretty badly. But she could have left, she could have just walked out on you. And she didn't. When you first started knocking me around, I used to blame myself. Many times I almost walked out, but I just couldn't. And do you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because I loved you Damon. Because even when you turned into a monster, underneath I could still see my big brother. The same big brother who always stuck up for me and let me tag alone with him. That's why I couldn't leave. And even when you were hitting her, I believe that Lana could still see something good in you"
"Maybe you're right" Damon admitted. "I still can't believe she's gone"
"It'll get easier in time" Vincent reassured him. "It'll hurt like hell for a while, then it'll begin to fade away. You can't blame yourself"
"No, I guess you're right" Damon got to his feet, then turned to face his brother. "Vincent" he said slowly. "I've made an important decision. I'm a good trainer, not as good as you or Jack, but a good trainer"
"Right. So what are you getting at?"
"I'm not good enough to train a Mew. And I don't deserve her"
"Damon…"
"No, listen to me. I want to take her to Mew Valley and set her free. Then she can be with her own kind. I think that'll be the best thing for her"
"That's a nice idea Damon. So what you're saying is…you want to go to Mew Valley. I'm up for that. It'll be a new adventure anyway. But it'll be difficult. To my knowledge, very few people have ever heard of the valley, let alone been to it"
"We can do it" Damon gave his younger brother a small smile. "I think its what Lana would have wanted"
"I'm sure it is" Vincent said slowly. "If she can see us now, I'm sure she's very happy"
"Yeah, I'm sure she is"
The two brothers stood in silence for a moment or two. "You had better get back" Damon said finally. "They'll will be wondering where you are. I'll be along in a minute, I just want to say goodbye on my own"
"Okay" Vincent touched his shoulder gently and headed back to their camp. Damon waited until he had gone and gently touched the stone around his neck. "Goodbye Lana" he said quietly. "I'll miss you, but I know you'll still be with me. I'll never forget you"
As he turned to follow his brother, a cool breeze blew suddenly. Damon smiled, understanding what it meant. "Yeah Lana" he said softly. "I love you too" Then he turned away and followed his brother back to camp. He knew they had a long journey still ahead of them.
