ZIM FANDANGO
A Semi-epic Tale of Crime and Corruption in the Land Of The Nicktoons
1 Here we go. The first real chapter of Zim Fandango. Enjoy…
2 Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim or Grim Fandango
2.1 PART ONE
In an office in a medium-sized skyscraper somewhere in Nick City, an average-looking Irken tapped his foot nervously, looking out the window. The office was pretty high-tech, yet somehow looked kind of shabby. Hard to imagine since the entire office was made of magenta metal. The Irken was sitting in a chair next to an empty desk. He almost jumped out of his seat as the office door slid open behind him. When he saw who it was, he sighed in relief. "Oh, it's just you."
The very short figure standing in the door frowned and marched in. "Just me? Just me?! Is that any way to talk to the great ZIM?"
"S-sorry, I"
"No, no, there's nothing to worry about. Sometimes I just get a little too in-character off of the set." Said Zim, chuckling. "Now that my appointment with the porcelain is finished, let's see how you're getting to the employment office." Zim walked around the Irken in the chair and sat at his desk, accessing his computer.
"Uh, mister Zim sir…"
"Please, call me Zim."
"Right. You've explained a lot to me, and I think I understand most of it. But…"
"But what? Speak up, man!"
"You said something about the way I'm getting to the employment office. Do you think you could elaborate on that?"
Zim smiled and turned from his computer. "I'd be glad to, Mr. Florez. You see, like all humans our creator Jhonen Vasquez is constantly getting ideas. Some of these ideas may become characters on my show, Invader Zim. When the subconscious gets the idea for the character, it creates a protomatter base for it, a mold so to speak, and gives it certain personality traits and features. These features determine whether you are average or someone destined for greatness. The corporation keeps an eye on all of their cartoonist's brains, and as soon as new characters are formed, myself and the other most popular characters on my show are dispatched to collect this protomatter and give it form. I collected you, for instance."
Flores nodded. "Okay, but about the transportation…"
"Like I said, a cartoon will have certain characteristics. Depending on the personality, a cartoon will have a selection of ways to reach the employment office. If you are destined for a great role such as a regular, you will earn a ticket on the Mega Rail, an incredibly fast train that will get you to the employment office in four hours instead of a year."
"A year?!"
"Well, that's how long it would take the average person to get there. Of course, many just give up and stay where they are. Those people are losers. Anyway, only a very, very, very small amount of cartoons qualify for a ticket. The Almighty Tallest are an example. As I was saying, for those lower than a really great role can take a Cruiser, or a Runner, or a cargo transport. Of course, that's just in descending order."
"And what am I qualified for?" asked Flores eagerly.
"Well, let's see." Said Zim. He started typing on his computer, accessing Flores' file. A graph came up, showing a train, a Cruiser, a Runner, and a bus, each on top of the other. A line indicating Flores started at the train then went below the zero mark, leaving him at negative fifteen on the ranking scale. "Hmm…well, it seems that the Mega Rail is just out of your reach, but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve…" He started typing again, frantically, also hiding the display from Flores to keep him from knowing how much of a loser he was. "Ah ha!"
"What? What is it?"
"The Excelsior Line! That's the ticket!"
A few minutes later, at the street entrance to the Nickelodeon building…Flores was standing on the front steps, holding a walking stick that had Excelsior written on the side. "Yes, she's a beauty isn't she? That compass in the handle will sure come in handy to." Flores scowled down at Zim. Zim ignored his client's look of anger. "Oh, you're going to have a great time. Wish I could come with you."
"Why can't you? You could give me a lift."
"Sorry Flores, against the rules. Besides, I have my own job, remember? You'd better get going. With any luck, I'll see you in about a year!" Grumbling, Flores stared down the stairs, walking into the street and heading out of town. Zim shook his head to himself sadly. He had not told Flores the reason that most toons gave up getting employed. Many dangers and monsters inhabited the world, and the only way to the employment office was through a path of these dangers. Zim didn't know why the office was all the way at the edge of the world and at the end of a dangerous trail, but it was probably to sort out the true characters from the poseurs. Since many could not survive the journey, they either died or just quit and set up a life of their own. But there was another reason aside from the fact that Flores was heading into trouble that made Zim sad. Even though he was one of the most popular Nickelodeon toons of all, his nemesis Dib was the one who got the bigger office. And not just any office, it had been Zim's old office. There was also the fact that Dib ended up constantly getting more and better clients than Zim, causing there to be a higher number of humans in the show than anything else. It wasn't fair. It was like the head of Nickelodeon favored Dib or something. Dib seemed more and more close to a promotion every day. Zim sighed and headed back into the building.
One elevator trip later, he was on the top floor of the building, along with all the other offices belonging to the top toons. He walked past the big golden door that marked the door to the office of Herb Scannell, head of Nickelodeon in both worlds. Although he was a real person, he traveled back and forth between the toon and real worlds to give assignments and stuff. As he walked past the desk of Herb's toon secretary, Sandy the squirrel, looked up from her work. "Hey Zim, do you think you could not leave the office early today? The boss wants a word with you after everything is officially closed."
Zim sighed. "Tell Herb I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere." Zim continued down the hall, pausing for a moment to glare at the door to Dib's office, before entering his own. He sat at his desk and slumped, holding his head in his hands. There was one more reason Zim was a little sad. He was very lonely. There were plenty of girls around, but none of them felt right to him, even the Irkens like Tenn or Tak. He sat up. "Why aren't things the way they should be?" Zim asked himself. "Why am I so alone? The only real friend I have is Gir, and he's well, pretty much a moron. Why can't I get a relationship, get a life outside this job?" He frowned and slapped himself. "Stop that thinking, soldier! First things first, I have to get out of this tiny office. And to do that, I need a client. A good client. And I will get one, and rain doom upon Dib's filthy big head! Muahahahahahaha!" He grinned. "That always cheers me up. Of course, since it would be illegal for me to hack into the inferior human company database and find any potential clients for myself, I'll just have to wait for one."
As if on cue, his screen lit up. "You've got mail!" said the computer. Surprised, Zim opened the E-mail. It was from the boss! "To: all stars. Bless your lucky stars and get to your freaking vehicles! We've got a mass brain stem activity due to letting the cartoonists watch The Matrix, meaning a bunch of new clients! Too many to assign specific cases, so first come, first serve! From: Herb Scannell.
Zim grinned. "Well, what do you know! Looks like some luck is finally coming my way. There's even a chance I'll get a really good client! To the garage!" Running out of his office and down the hall, he got to the freight elevator that led to the garage, only to discover that there was a bunch of cartoons already trying to cram themselves into the elevator. Zim groaned, knowing he now had no choice but to take the stairs. He headed over to the door next to the elevator and went inside, entering the stairwell. Activating his spider legs, he jumped off the railing of the stairs, going straight down. As he fell, he used his spider legs on the walls to keep himself erect and also to slow down his descent. When he was only a few floors away from the bottom, he dug his spider legs into the concrete walls, causing a horrendous ear-splitting noise and halting his fall. Carefully, he lowered himself to the bottom and entered the door leading to the garage. He walked into the cavernous room just in time to see a huge number of cars, a submarine and a few Voot Runners move out of their private spaces and zoom through the open dimensional portal to the cartoonists minds. By the time the rush was over, Zim's battered Voot Runner was the only thing left. He walked over to the Runner and tried to open the cockpit, only to find it locked. He shrugged and reached into his utility pod, looking for the keys. They weren't there. What the? He grimaced, knowing he would have to go over to the mechanic's section of the garage. Walking past all the parking spaces, Zim approached a shack built into the wall with several tools and machine parts on the floor. The mechanics kept spare keys, so Zim would be able to borrow it until he found his normal keys. Zim knocked on the door. There was a noise from within the hut, and the door burst open, revealing…"Gir!?"
"Hi Master!" said Gir happily.
"Gir, what are you doing here?"
"The nice man with the big head threw me down here in a big chute and this nice man pulled me out of a heap of metal and tried to do something to my head and then he said 'I give up, I've done as much as I can, I'm leaving," and left but he gave me a program that makes me love fixing things and being around engines even more than I love tacos so I'm the mechanic!"
"What?"
"Dib tried to throw me away and the mechanic tried to fix me. He had partial success, but couldn't completely cure my insanity. So now I'm more rational and I also now have a passionate love for engines and things that go "vroom" so I became the new mechanic. It's sort of a side job for when we're not filming."
"I thought your side job was working at Krazy Taco."
"Well, I quit." His eyes turned blue again. "Leprechauns!"
"You quit? You actually gave up on tacos?" Gir nodded. Zim was in shock. "Impossible…how could anyone fix you that well? Tell me, who was this mechanic?"
Gir frowned and scratched his head. "I think his name was Dexter. Or Cookie."
"How long have you been the mechanic?"
"About a year."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You didn't ask."
"…Good point. Gir, I need spare keys for my Runner. I have to collect a protoform and Dib's already ahead of me. If I don't get there in time, he and the others will have already gotten the good clients."
"I'll give you the keys…"
"Thank you, Gir."
"…If you take me with you."
"What? Why?"
"Because I'm bored and I wanna see Jhonen's head!"
Zim sighed, acquiescing. "All right, you can come. But I warn you, we are about to enter a realm of unbelievable danger and chaos, a realm where terror lurks behind every corner and if you get lost, you can never escape."
Gir started getting worried. "Vasquez is that messed up?"
"Huh? No, I was referring to the Interdimensional Highway. The traffic on that thing is unbelievable. Come on, get the keys and let's go."
"Yay! We're going on a trip!" Gir ran into the hut. A minute later he came out with the keys to Zim's Runner. Zim took them, opened the Voot Runner, and buckled in, Gir beside him. Despite all its appearances on the show, all the Runner can really do is hover off the ground. It's a lot like an advanced car in that sense. The Runner levitated off the ground and dashed into the portal. Several minutes later, after an unbelievable bout of traffic, Zim managed to navigate his way into Jhonen Vasquez's subconscious. An astral road appeared under the Runner, allowing them to keep floating. The subconscious was a really weird and freaky place, with lots of pigs and talking dolls floating around. Gir looked at the place in awe. "Wow…like a moose!"
"Yeah, cool isn't it? Come on, we've got to hurry." He steered the Runner down the road; piloting through the several storage sections dedicated to Vasquez's other creations. He passed through the Happy Noodle Boy, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and Squee before finally reaching the Invader Zim section. Just as he passed through the gate, a Foob Cruiser sailed past him, two figures in the cockpit. One was a tall, gothic-looking human woman. The other was Dib. The big headed human grinned and waved at Zim as he passed, heading away. "Dib!" hissed Zim. Angrily, he flew through the section, not noticing the turn-offs and almost missing the new section. Zim parked the Runner and stepped out. "Gir, stay here. I won't be more than a minute."
He walked across the bleak field, looking for a protoform. To his disappointment, there was only one left. The others had come and gone. Hoping it would be the good client that would show Herb he was worthier than Dib, he tore into the material of the gray blob with one of his spider legs. The blob ripped apart, revealing…an Irken who looked extremely cranky and was even shorter than Zim. Looking at his rescuer, the Irken named as Bronu said, "Nice dress."
One long drive later…The Runner flew out of the portal and landed in Zim's parking space, nestled between the other spaces, which were already full. As they exited the Runner, Zim kept explaining the situation to Bronu. "Now, we have several travel packages you might be interested in-"
Bronu growled. "Stuff the yap and give me something where I can get lots of quiet and time to think." He headed over to the freight elevator.
Zim started to follow, but Gir got his attention. "Master, if you want I can fix up your Runner so it's really fast and really cool…"
"Gir, it's against the rules to modify cars without permission from upstairs, and I doubt they'll give it to me."
Gir shrugged. "Okay, but I was under the impression that you wanted to get better clients, and I figured that a faster car would help you beat the others to the protoforms. I mean, you do want to surpass Dib, don't you?"
Zim's eye twitched. "Okay Gir, you talked me into it. Do whatever you want to the Runner, just make it better than Dib's!" With that, he headed after Bronu.
Gir's eyes bulged. "Oh yeah! SLAM the front into the cannons, enlarge the ship, and chrome everything…"As he babbled to himself, driving the Runner out of the garage and heading towards the junkyard, Gir started drooling. "Cupcake!"
After going up to his office and checking the files, Zim determined that Bronu was also a deadbeat. But since the client didn't want to walk, there was only one other way to get Bronu to the employment office. "Urf…come…on!" shouted Zim.
He was in one of the rooms on the building's first floor, attempting to stuff Bronu in a cryogenic pod. For those who refused to walk, cryogenic capsules were made available so they would be shipped to the employment office. It took roughly a year to do so, and frankly it seemed that Bronu was regretting his choice not to walk. Zim succeeded in shoving the little Irken into the pod. Bronu clung onto the door edge with his spider legs, trying to keep from being shut in. "Wait! Can't you find me something else? Something where I can stretch my legs?"
As Zim tried to force the legs off of the hinge, Zim said, "You know I'd really like to Bronu, but the boss is a real hardass and I can get in trouble for not giving the client the best transport they deserve."
"I gotta be a hardass with lazy toons like you working for me." Said a familiar voice from behind Zim. He paused, horrified. No, it couldn't be. It was. Herb Scannell…
"M-Mr. Scannell, what can I do for you?" asked Zim, panicking while still trying to force Bronu into the pod.
The human scowled. "Zim, what are you doing with your career? Aside from your paltry acting skills, you've got nothing to show for a job! Why can't you get clients?"
"I've got a client right here!"
"I mean premium clients, Zim. Clients who are getting a ticket on the Mega Rail. Why can't you be more like Dib?"
That did it. "Like Dib?!? LIKE DIB!?!??!? Well, maybe I would be more like Dib if I had a huge head, or glasses, or was an inferior life form! Maybe I would get premium clients if you assigned more to me instead of Dib, instead of leaving me with scumbags like Mr. Bronu here!"
"Hey!" yelled Bronu.
Herb was taken aback. "Now you're blaming the clients, Zim? That does it! If you don't get one premium client by the time the next season rolls around, you're fired, no matter what the repercussions will be on the public! We'll replace your time slot with the Dib Membrane show, in which Dib Membrane saves the world and finds out all sorts of supernatural stuff!"
"But the public will hate it! The ratings will drop to nothing! I've been single-handedly supporting your channel for two years now, and yet you give Dib all the good stuff! Why?"
Herb chuckled menacingly. "Wouldn't you like to know? Well, maybe you'll find out why I seem to fancy Dib if you get a premium client by next season. Otherwise, you'll be out on the street with no way to earn a living and no way to ever become more than you are now! All you'll have is your stupid pet robot, the pod on your back, and that big wide smile of yours. So start working harder or else!" Herb left, laughing evilly.
"Who you calling a scumbag? Why I oughta" Angrily, Zim kicked Bronu into the pod, threw in a complimentary coffee mug, slammed the door shut and turned the valves on the tubes connecting to the pod. Two chemicals sprayed from the tubes, going into the pod. As Bronu screamed, trying to get out, the chemicals mixed into a super-cold solution that would keep Bronu out for almost a year.
Walking out of the packing room, Zim thought to himself, "Premium client…how am I supposed to get a premium client? Maybe it's time I stopped waiting for fate to intervene. It's time to stop expecting a premium client, like it's going to just fly in here tied to a missile. It's time to take one." He returned to the top floor, intending to do some hardcore planning in his office. He started to walk past Dib's office, before noticing the door was open. Curious, he decided to go in and see what Dib had done to his old office. The results were appalling. Dib had replaced all of the magenta metal with carpets and wallpaper, trying to stamp out anything even remotely Zim-like. There was a huge picture of Dib painted on the ceiling. There was a large array of dominos laid out on the floor. Dib liked dominos. Speaking of Dib, the human cartoon was standing on a stool, hitting a punching bag. Zim realized now was the perfect opportunity to get some things off his chest. Zim decided to take the initiative, hoping his sudden speech would startle Dib and cause him to fall. "Hey, Dib!"
Surprised, the big headed boy lost his balance and fell off the stool, shaking the ground and causing his complex domino system to topple. Picking himself up, he looked furiously at Zim, then seemed to mellow out. Or he was trying to at least. He climbed back up the stool and stood over the alien. "So, what do you want?"
"How did you make out at the brainstem?"
Dib grinned a little too nicely. "Let's just say Mrs. Membrane has a passion for trains."
"You got a woman who will be in your family?"
"Talk about good family values."
"And she got a ticket on the Mega Rail?"
"Choo choo, little buddy. What did you get?"
Zim sagged. "I got a little guy who ended up being sent pod post."
"Well that's too bad, Zim. Maybe you'll have better luck next time." He started hitting the bag again. "Anything else I can do for you?"
"I wanna tell you something."
"Good Zim, let it all out, there's no reason for you to be afraid of me."
Zim bristled at that, wishing he could just rip Dib's throat out. "You know, this used to be my office."
"I know, I found your name in some comic books in the old desk."
"Comic books? Ha! I don't read comic books."
"Really? Then you don't mind if I throw away all 300 issues of Sonic the Hedgehog?"
"Ah! Don't! Those are my fav…" Dib's grin got big again. "I hate you." Dib went back to punching. Zim continued. "Anyway, I want it back."
"Sorry, only way you're getting this office is if I drop dead."
"That could be arranged." Zim muttered under his breath. Out loud he said, "I think we should team up, work together." Zim lied.
"But Zim, I-I could never team up with somebody who's so much more if a man than I am." Dib replied sarcastically.
Zim scowled. "Oh come on, even Gaz is more masculine than you are. And she's a girl. Why do you always get the good clients?"
"I'm not the one you should be asking, Zim. You need to take a good long look at the guy in the mirror for the answer to that."
"No thanks, I don't get the same pleasure from that that you do." Zim said, grinning.
Dib tensed, looking like he was trying to hold something back. "Well of course not, why would anyone, even yourself want to see something as ugly as your face?"
"Why would anyone, even yourself, want to see something as big as your head?"
"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!" shouted Dib.
Zim nodded, knowing he had struck a nerve. But he decided to move on before Dib tried something a little more dangerous. "Anyway, can I have one of your clients?"
Regaining his composure, Dib said, "You can have one of my clients once I get one I think you can handle."
Zim snorted. "I can handle anything you've got human, especially if that's your best right jab."
Dib shot Zim a look. "You could do better?"
"Want to see?"
Reluctantly, Dib stepped down from the stool. Zim climbed up and punched the bag, knocking it off of its hook. It landed on the floor with a dull thud. "Hey! That was my only punching bag!"
"Just hook it back up and it'll be as good as new." Said Zim.
Frowning, Dib did just that and went back to pummeling the bag, his punches getting wilder and stronger. "Is there anything else, Zim?" Dib asked between his teeth.
"Yeah, I wanna punch you in the mouth." Zim joked, half-serious.
"Aw no, not the Christmas party again."
"What happened at the Christmas party?" Zim asked, confused.
"Blacked out on the whole thing, huh? A piece of advice: lay off the alcohol."
Zim walked away from the stool, leaving Dib to his business. Wanting to take a look at Dib's computer, he got behind the desk. "Hey Dib, what's your password?"
"Get away from my computer, alien."
Zim shrugged and got out of Dib's chair. As he did so, he noticed that the cable leading from Dib's network box to the wall was bright red. Remembering that his own was standard black, as was everyone else's, Zim filed the color in his memory, knowing it might come in handy. He decided to leave. As he walked out the door, he said, "Goodbye Bighead." Dib growled angrily, but Zim was already out the door and safe in his own office when Dib turned around.
He sat behind his desk, chuckling a little. Then he got serious. He needed a plan, something that would get him a premium client. His best bet would definitely be to intercept Dib's E-mail. The only way he could do that was to plant a bug in the server so any information sent to Dib's computer would also be received by Zim. However, the server was kept in a secure area that could only be accessed by the janitor. Aside from stealing the guy's keys or breaking in, how could he get down there to mess with the server? Getting a notion, he called up floor maps and blueprints on the computer. He was surprised to discover that the upper part of the waste processor that led to the sewers was in the same room as the server. Since the waste the machine processed was, er, biological product, that meant the best way to mess up the processor would be via the toilets. As Zim's brilliant mind leapt into action, he quickly used his computer to generate the appropriate device to tap Dib's cable. Good thing he knew Dib had a red cable, so it would be easy to plant the device. He put the little ring- shaped device in his pod and left the room, heading for the prop department. He borrowed two balloons and went down to the pod packing room. He noticed that Bronu had already been taken away, along with some other pods full of supplies. Their next stop would be the employment office at the edge of the world. Well, it wasn't actually at the edge of the world since the planet was round, but it was on a really big mountain, overlooking a huge precipice. Zim walked over to the two tubes that contained the freezing chemicals. He attached a balloon to either tube and opened the faucets, filling both balloons. He turned off the faucets and put the balloons away, heading for the men's room closest to the processor. After making sure nobody was occupying the stalls, Zim walked into one and dropped one balloon into the toilet, flushing it. He then dropped the other balloon into the toilet and flushed it. Squeezing through the narrow plumbing system, the two balloons made it to the interior of the incredibly filthy and disgusting processor. The balloons popped, their chemical interiors mixing. As the two chemicals combined into the super cold material, the processor was clogged up as all the waste turned to ice, backing up the pipes. As the water in the toilet started turning murky, Zim grinned evilly, the first phase of his plan in place. He left the bathroom and took the stairs to the maintenance level, where he found a door marked "Server and Waste Processor" wide open. It was good to see that the management had identified the problem so quickly and sent a man to fix it. Zim walked into the room that held both important devices. Zim immediately saw three things. First off was the fire extinguisher next to the door. Second, was the huge metal cylinder in one corner of the room, extending from the ceiling to the floor. The janitor, one of the Butt Ugly Martians, was trying to fix the thing, poking his head now and then through a hatch in the side of the cylinder. Zim shuddered. He hated Martians. They were ugly, stupid, smelly, and they cost him his show at one point. Third, was the blue box sitting on a pedestal in the center of the room. Cables came out from it, going into the walls all over the room. All but one of the cables were black. This one was red. Zim found his target. As he approached the server, the Martian grunted, hearing him. "Hey, who's there?" Grimy and smelling worse than usual, the Martian turned around. "What the…what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I was just, um, checking to see if the server was working properly."
"That's my job!"
"I thought you were one of the stars of B.U.M."
"I am. But I'm also a janitor. So what are you doing here?"
"I already told you."
"Oh yeah. Hey, why don't you come over here so we can talk face to face."
"No thank you."
"Why not? You think you're better than me or something?" the Martian, now recognizable as Duwop, said angrily.
"No." said Zim truthfully. He didn't think he was better than Duwop. He knew he was better than Duwop.
"Well, good." He turned around and went back to work.
Unable to hold down his curiosity, Zim went over to the processor to see what Duwop was doing. The Martian had opened a panel on the big machine and was trying to clean the insides with a laser torch. "So, what are you doing here?"
Duwop grunted. "Some smart-ass sent the cold packing chemicals down the toilets, freezing up the processor and jamming the plumbing system. I'm using this torch here to clean out the frozen junk."
"How long do you think it would take?"
"Hard to say, could be hours."
"Or until nobody's around to see you leave?"
"Of course. Now could you kindly leave me alone, green boy? I've got a lot of work to do here." Zim started walking away, heading for the server box. Duwop kept fiddling with the laser torch, cleaning out more crap (literally) until he accidentally turned the torch the wrong way, setting himself on fire. He screamed, trying to beat out the flames. Hearing the burning flame, Zim ran over to the door, grabbed the fire extinguisher, and ran back. He found that Duwop had already beaten out the flames. The Martian took one look at the fire extinguisher and yelped. "Ahhhh! What are you doing? That's a magnesium-based fire extinguisher! If any of it hits the cryogenic packing material, we'll both be riding the Roman candle out of here!"
Zim frowned. "What? Why would they put something so dangerous in here?"
"I guess they didn't expect it to be full of hazardous waste, dumbass!"
He went back to work. Growling, Zim put the extinguisher in his pod, not caring that he was probably breaking building regulations. Seeing that Duwop was occupied, Zim quietly walked over to the server. Taking out the ring, he split it in two and reconnected it around Dib's cable. Lights started blinking on the ring, indicating its operation. Pleased, Zim left the Martian alone, head back to his office. As he returned to the top floor, he noticed that Dib's door was still open. Looking in, he saw Dib was still punching the bag, muttering to himself about wringing Zim's neck. Zim returned to the office and checked his computer. Of course, it was too much to expect there to already be a message, and there was none. With nothing else to do, he started playing DOOM III to pass the time. After about an hour, the "You've got Mail!" icon flashed up. Eagerly, Zim clicked it. As he had hoped, it was an assignment for a new client. Knowing Dib would get this at the exact same time, Zim quickly read through the specs on the new cartoon. "Okay, let's see…Name: Rana, Sex: Female, Species: Undefined, Personality traits: Pretty nice and responsible, an overall good person, but can be dangerous if angered, Ranking…Oh my god…A COSTAR!?!?!?" Zim got out of his seat. He couldn't believe it. A new star for the show! And if he got to her first, she would be working with him instead of Dib. That would change the balance of power between the enemies greatly, since Dib had Gaz and Zim had Gir. With a new star, either side could gain supremacy. And this also meant she was a premium client, securing his job! He quickly rushed to the freight elevator, only to see Dib was already running for it. Dib jumped in and closed the doors only seconds before Zim could make it. Zim knew it was too dangerous to risk another jump down the stairwell, so he had no other choice but to wait for the elevator to come back up. And since Dib's Cruiser was faster than Zim's old Runner was, he could only pray that whatever modifications Gir had made to the Runner would be sufficient to overtake Dib. As he pushed the call button and waited for the elevator's return, he called Gir on his built-in communicator. "Gir! Come in, Gir!"
The image of Gir eating a large taco appeared on the communicator. While stuffing his face, Gir managed to say, "Hi Master!"
"Gir, where are you?"
"In the mechanics shack."
"Have you finished modifying the Runner?"
"Uh huh!"
"Good. We need to get going, fast."
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Because I need to beat Dib to this next client."
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Because if I don't, I could lose my job!"
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Because my boss is a jerk!"
"Okay, meet you in the garage."
The communicator switched off. Zim was relieved to see the elevator had finally arrived. He hopped in and headed to the garage. What he saw when he stepped out did NOT look like the Runner. Gir had removed the bubble shield for the cockpit and got rid of the walls surrounding it, pushing the drivers seat into the front. Heavy-duty laser cannons had replaced the energy ball launchers. The hover engines supporting the Runner had been upgraded, allowing the Runner to levitate several feet in the air to avoid the problems of bumpy roads. (Even though it's a floating car, it's a low- riding model so bumpy roads are bad for it.) The top half of an improved PEG reactor was sticking out of the hull just behind the open cockpit and was covered by a Tefliglass bubble. The thruster pods sticking out of the sides of the Runner were larger and longer, with flame and taco decals on them. A pair of seats were located behind the reactor, covered by a force field to keep the riders from getting bugs in their teeth. A platform rose just behind the two seats, supporting a throne-like chair with some controls on the arms. This was also protected by the aforementioned force field. A huge thruster cylinder emerged from the back of the Runner, underneath the throne and between the two pods. Gir was sitting in the driver seat, looking as if his little android heart would burst at any moment from unbridled joy. Oh, did I forget to mention that the whole thing was covered in shiny chrome? Zim stared at the machine that had once been his car, so to speak. "Gir, are you crazy? That was a company car!"
"Oh yeah! And it's even better company now! Hop in master! Let's give the Doom Wagon her first test drive!"
"The what?"
"Captains always name their ships something, so I figured why not name this vessel something cool? I call her the Doom Wagon!"
Zim looked over the vehicle again. "I don't believe this. Gir, I'm actually proud of you!"
"Thank you Master! Now let's go stop mean Mister Bighead from stealing your client!"
Zim climbed into the throne at the back of the Wagon, giving him a high view of everything. "Onward, to victory!"
"WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gir spun the Doom Wagon around, driving into the portal. Using the new hover engines, they were able to literally soar above the traffic.
As they entered Vasquez's mind, Zim could see Dib's Cruiser far up the road, nearing the entrance to Squee. "Gir, we're not going to make it!"
"Buckle your seatbelt, Master! This is gonna be a close one." Gir flicked a switch on the dashboard.
The huge thruster glowed and ignited, firing a stream of superhot plasma outward and propelling the Doom Wagon down the road at an incredible speed. Gir screamed, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" while sticking his tongue out, waving in the wind. Zim screamed as he was pushed back in his seat, digging his claws into the armrests. He was about to yell at Gir to stop, when he suddenly noticed that they had actually caught up to Dib's Cruiser. The super fast ship zoomed past Dib, causing his ship to spin out of control and almost fall off the road. Dib's head smashed into the front of the cockpit, cracking his glasses. He stared in disbelief as Zim's ship rocketed down the road, leaving him in the dust. Zim laughed maniacally, very happy now.
The Doom Wagon zoomed into the Invader Zim section and came to an immediate and very smooth stop, gently landing on the ground. Impressed that he hadn't even felt any jolt from the stop, Zim unbuckled himself and got off the chair. Jumping down, he walked up to the drivers seat and petted Gir on the head. "Good boy. Good robot." Gir squealed and giggled, squirming in his seat. Zim walked across the bleak landscape, looking for the protoform. As he got near, the blob moved a little, its features giving off just a hint of Irken. Extending a spider leg, Zim sliced through the protoform, taking a look at the creature inside. His heart stopped.
The most beautiful Irken he had ever seen moaned and opened her eyes. A little clumsily, she got out of the protoform. "Who…who are you? Where am I?" She was about Zim's height, only a millimeter taller than he was. She had a standard uniform, but she seemed to fit into it more nicely than Zim liked to imagine. Her utility pod was normal aside from the green spots and the Irken insignia stamped on the center spot. Her antennae were curly, as were all Irken females, but something about them seemed different. They weren't nearly as long as Tak's, yet they were longer than the average girl's antennae. In a way, her eyes were the greatest things about her. They were a deep forest green, a green so deep that when Zim looked into them he felt as if he could drown in them. He shook his head, snapping out of this trance.
"My name is Zim. I have just freed you from that protoform. We are inside the mind of our creator, Jhonen Vasquez."
"I don't completely understand…"
"Don't worry, I'll explain it all on the way back to civilization."
"Why did you rescue me?"
Zim paused, not completely sure how to answer, the girl, Rana. "Because you might be able to save me."
She looked at him, puzzled, then noticed the Doom Wagon and Gir, who was making engine noises while playing with the steering controls. "Is that your vehicle? And your SIR?" He nodded. "They look cool." He blushed visibly.
A half-hour later, back at the Nickelodeon Building, in Zim's office…Zim had just finished explaining the whole deal about employment and stuff to Rana. She frowned after Zim had finished telling her his involvement in all this, and told her how important she was going to be to both the show and his continuing career. "That's a lot of responsibility, Zim. What makes you think I'm that good?"
"Rana, I'm sure of it. According to your file, you are guaranteed a ticket to…" He accessed the database on his computer and selected her file, checking her travel status. His findings were quite unexpected. "…Nowhere?" According to the file, Rana didn't deserve a ticket on the Mega Rail. She didn't even deserve to be sent by cryogenic pod. "WHAT?!"
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
"I can't seem to find you your ticket. But the ranking on your file said you were going to be a costar. That means you should have a ticket, but the computer says you don't."
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Impossible, you were born a half-hour ago. Are you sure you're the real Rana?"
"Well, who else would I be?"
"I don't know. Maybe some other Irken female?"
"Is there anyway you can check?"
"Actually, yes. May I see your pod?" She nodded. Zim got out of his seat and opened one of the spots on Rana's utility pod. A cable extended from a similar panel on his own and went into the hole. After a moment, the cable came out. "Well, that was disappointing. According to your pod, you are Rana."
"Then why is there a problem?"
Zim shook his head, frustrated. "I-I don't know. You know what I've gotta do? I've gotta go straighten this all out. I'll be back, okay?"
A bit saddened, he started out the door. He was too caught up in his own feelings of confusion and misunderstanding to hear Rana say, "I'm sorry I let you down Zim."
Zim walked down the corridor, heading for the elevator so he could get to the company records. As he started to pass Herb's office, the big golden door burst open and an irate Herb Scannell leaned out. "Zim! In my office! NOW!"
Several minutes later, Zim and Dib were both standing before the desk of their boss, admiring his spacious and tastefully decorated office. Dib looked somewhat amused, despite the big bruise on his giant head and the crack in his glasses. Zim was worried and nervous. Herb did not look happy. "You vandalize company property to eavesdrop on an employee's personal line to obtain secret information so you can take your illegally modified car and run Dib here off the road!" The president yelled at Zim. He cringed. "And it was all to prevent a client from going to her legitimate agent!"
"Nothing's legitimate about this place. You give Dib all the good clients!" said Zim, a little weakly.
Dib shook his enormous head. "Zim, now I'm embarrassed for you."
Herb scowled even more, his face twisting. "I'm going to have Rana come in here right now so you can apologize to her in person." He stabbed the P.A. button on his desk. "Sandy, please send in Rana."
"She left fifteen minutes ago. She said she had a long walk ahead of her and she had better get started."
"WALKING!?!" shrieked Scannell, a vein standing out on his head. "Why does she think she has to walk to the employment office?"
"That was the best thing I could find her." Said Zim, feeling very guilty.
"Zim, Rana was going to be a costar, and she thinks she's walking just because you couldn't find her ticket!? This is why I give all the good clients to Dib, since he's more responsible in this matter! That girl was a saint and a shoe-in for a ticket on the Mega Rail! Now she's somewhere else, lost in the Petrified Forest outside of town, forced to confront the demons of the wild unprotected and alone, her destiny stolen by an over- reaching actor who was looking for a commission he didn't deserve. You are in BIG trouble, Zim. You're fired. Dib, his slot will now be your own. The first episode of The Adventures of Dib Membrane will be premiering this Friday."
"Yes!" cheered Dib.
"As for YOU, Zim…" Herb Scannell grinned evilly. "Well, you'll just have to wait and see, now won't you?" Zim looked down at the floor, very worried.
Uh oh! What's Herb Scannell going to do to Zim? Is there another reason Dib is favored over Zim? Will Rana make it out safely? Find out on the next chapter of Zim Fandango…
A Semi-epic Tale of Crime and Corruption in the Land Of The Nicktoons
1 Here we go. The first real chapter of Zim Fandango. Enjoy…
2 Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim or Grim Fandango
2.1 PART ONE
In an office in a medium-sized skyscraper somewhere in Nick City, an average-looking Irken tapped his foot nervously, looking out the window. The office was pretty high-tech, yet somehow looked kind of shabby. Hard to imagine since the entire office was made of magenta metal. The Irken was sitting in a chair next to an empty desk. He almost jumped out of his seat as the office door slid open behind him. When he saw who it was, he sighed in relief. "Oh, it's just you."
The very short figure standing in the door frowned and marched in. "Just me? Just me?! Is that any way to talk to the great ZIM?"
"S-sorry, I"
"No, no, there's nothing to worry about. Sometimes I just get a little too in-character off of the set." Said Zim, chuckling. "Now that my appointment with the porcelain is finished, let's see how you're getting to the employment office." Zim walked around the Irken in the chair and sat at his desk, accessing his computer.
"Uh, mister Zim sir…"
"Please, call me Zim."
"Right. You've explained a lot to me, and I think I understand most of it. But…"
"But what? Speak up, man!"
"You said something about the way I'm getting to the employment office. Do you think you could elaborate on that?"
Zim smiled and turned from his computer. "I'd be glad to, Mr. Florez. You see, like all humans our creator Jhonen Vasquez is constantly getting ideas. Some of these ideas may become characters on my show, Invader Zim. When the subconscious gets the idea for the character, it creates a protomatter base for it, a mold so to speak, and gives it certain personality traits and features. These features determine whether you are average or someone destined for greatness. The corporation keeps an eye on all of their cartoonist's brains, and as soon as new characters are formed, myself and the other most popular characters on my show are dispatched to collect this protomatter and give it form. I collected you, for instance."
Flores nodded. "Okay, but about the transportation…"
"Like I said, a cartoon will have certain characteristics. Depending on the personality, a cartoon will have a selection of ways to reach the employment office. If you are destined for a great role such as a regular, you will earn a ticket on the Mega Rail, an incredibly fast train that will get you to the employment office in four hours instead of a year."
"A year?!"
"Well, that's how long it would take the average person to get there. Of course, many just give up and stay where they are. Those people are losers. Anyway, only a very, very, very small amount of cartoons qualify for a ticket. The Almighty Tallest are an example. As I was saying, for those lower than a really great role can take a Cruiser, or a Runner, or a cargo transport. Of course, that's just in descending order."
"And what am I qualified for?" asked Flores eagerly.
"Well, let's see." Said Zim. He started typing on his computer, accessing Flores' file. A graph came up, showing a train, a Cruiser, a Runner, and a bus, each on top of the other. A line indicating Flores started at the train then went below the zero mark, leaving him at negative fifteen on the ranking scale. "Hmm…well, it seems that the Mega Rail is just out of your reach, but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve…" He started typing again, frantically, also hiding the display from Flores to keep him from knowing how much of a loser he was. "Ah ha!"
"What? What is it?"
"The Excelsior Line! That's the ticket!"
A few minutes later, at the street entrance to the Nickelodeon building…Flores was standing on the front steps, holding a walking stick that had Excelsior written on the side. "Yes, she's a beauty isn't she? That compass in the handle will sure come in handy to." Flores scowled down at Zim. Zim ignored his client's look of anger. "Oh, you're going to have a great time. Wish I could come with you."
"Why can't you? You could give me a lift."
"Sorry Flores, against the rules. Besides, I have my own job, remember? You'd better get going. With any luck, I'll see you in about a year!" Grumbling, Flores stared down the stairs, walking into the street and heading out of town. Zim shook his head to himself sadly. He had not told Flores the reason that most toons gave up getting employed. Many dangers and monsters inhabited the world, and the only way to the employment office was through a path of these dangers. Zim didn't know why the office was all the way at the edge of the world and at the end of a dangerous trail, but it was probably to sort out the true characters from the poseurs. Since many could not survive the journey, they either died or just quit and set up a life of their own. But there was another reason aside from the fact that Flores was heading into trouble that made Zim sad. Even though he was one of the most popular Nickelodeon toons of all, his nemesis Dib was the one who got the bigger office. And not just any office, it had been Zim's old office. There was also the fact that Dib ended up constantly getting more and better clients than Zim, causing there to be a higher number of humans in the show than anything else. It wasn't fair. It was like the head of Nickelodeon favored Dib or something. Dib seemed more and more close to a promotion every day. Zim sighed and headed back into the building.
One elevator trip later, he was on the top floor of the building, along with all the other offices belonging to the top toons. He walked past the big golden door that marked the door to the office of Herb Scannell, head of Nickelodeon in both worlds. Although he was a real person, he traveled back and forth between the toon and real worlds to give assignments and stuff. As he walked past the desk of Herb's toon secretary, Sandy the squirrel, looked up from her work. "Hey Zim, do you think you could not leave the office early today? The boss wants a word with you after everything is officially closed."
Zim sighed. "Tell Herb I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere." Zim continued down the hall, pausing for a moment to glare at the door to Dib's office, before entering his own. He sat at his desk and slumped, holding his head in his hands. There was one more reason Zim was a little sad. He was very lonely. There were plenty of girls around, but none of them felt right to him, even the Irkens like Tenn or Tak. He sat up. "Why aren't things the way they should be?" Zim asked himself. "Why am I so alone? The only real friend I have is Gir, and he's well, pretty much a moron. Why can't I get a relationship, get a life outside this job?" He frowned and slapped himself. "Stop that thinking, soldier! First things first, I have to get out of this tiny office. And to do that, I need a client. A good client. And I will get one, and rain doom upon Dib's filthy big head! Muahahahahahaha!" He grinned. "That always cheers me up. Of course, since it would be illegal for me to hack into the inferior human company database and find any potential clients for myself, I'll just have to wait for one."
As if on cue, his screen lit up. "You've got mail!" said the computer. Surprised, Zim opened the E-mail. It was from the boss! "To: all stars. Bless your lucky stars and get to your freaking vehicles! We've got a mass brain stem activity due to letting the cartoonists watch The Matrix, meaning a bunch of new clients! Too many to assign specific cases, so first come, first serve! From: Herb Scannell.
Zim grinned. "Well, what do you know! Looks like some luck is finally coming my way. There's even a chance I'll get a really good client! To the garage!" Running out of his office and down the hall, he got to the freight elevator that led to the garage, only to discover that there was a bunch of cartoons already trying to cram themselves into the elevator. Zim groaned, knowing he now had no choice but to take the stairs. He headed over to the door next to the elevator and went inside, entering the stairwell. Activating his spider legs, he jumped off the railing of the stairs, going straight down. As he fell, he used his spider legs on the walls to keep himself erect and also to slow down his descent. When he was only a few floors away from the bottom, he dug his spider legs into the concrete walls, causing a horrendous ear-splitting noise and halting his fall. Carefully, he lowered himself to the bottom and entered the door leading to the garage. He walked into the cavernous room just in time to see a huge number of cars, a submarine and a few Voot Runners move out of their private spaces and zoom through the open dimensional portal to the cartoonists minds. By the time the rush was over, Zim's battered Voot Runner was the only thing left. He walked over to the Runner and tried to open the cockpit, only to find it locked. He shrugged and reached into his utility pod, looking for the keys. They weren't there. What the? He grimaced, knowing he would have to go over to the mechanic's section of the garage. Walking past all the parking spaces, Zim approached a shack built into the wall with several tools and machine parts on the floor. The mechanics kept spare keys, so Zim would be able to borrow it until he found his normal keys. Zim knocked on the door. There was a noise from within the hut, and the door burst open, revealing…"Gir!?"
"Hi Master!" said Gir happily.
"Gir, what are you doing here?"
"The nice man with the big head threw me down here in a big chute and this nice man pulled me out of a heap of metal and tried to do something to my head and then he said 'I give up, I've done as much as I can, I'm leaving," and left but he gave me a program that makes me love fixing things and being around engines even more than I love tacos so I'm the mechanic!"
"What?"
"Dib tried to throw me away and the mechanic tried to fix me. He had partial success, but couldn't completely cure my insanity. So now I'm more rational and I also now have a passionate love for engines and things that go "vroom" so I became the new mechanic. It's sort of a side job for when we're not filming."
"I thought your side job was working at Krazy Taco."
"Well, I quit." His eyes turned blue again. "Leprechauns!"
"You quit? You actually gave up on tacos?" Gir nodded. Zim was in shock. "Impossible…how could anyone fix you that well? Tell me, who was this mechanic?"
Gir frowned and scratched his head. "I think his name was Dexter. Or Cookie."
"How long have you been the mechanic?"
"About a year."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You didn't ask."
"…Good point. Gir, I need spare keys for my Runner. I have to collect a protoform and Dib's already ahead of me. If I don't get there in time, he and the others will have already gotten the good clients."
"I'll give you the keys…"
"Thank you, Gir."
"…If you take me with you."
"What? Why?"
"Because I'm bored and I wanna see Jhonen's head!"
Zim sighed, acquiescing. "All right, you can come. But I warn you, we are about to enter a realm of unbelievable danger and chaos, a realm where terror lurks behind every corner and if you get lost, you can never escape."
Gir started getting worried. "Vasquez is that messed up?"
"Huh? No, I was referring to the Interdimensional Highway. The traffic on that thing is unbelievable. Come on, get the keys and let's go."
"Yay! We're going on a trip!" Gir ran into the hut. A minute later he came out with the keys to Zim's Runner. Zim took them, opened the Voot Runner, and buckled in, Gir beside him. Despite all its appearances on the show, all the Runner can really do is hover off the ground. It's a lot like an advanced car in that sense. The Runner levitated off the ground and dashed into the portal. Several minutes later, after an unbelievable bout of traffic, Zim managed to navigate his way into Jhonen Vasquez's subconscious. An astral road appeared under the Runner, allowing them to keep floating. The subconscious was a really weird and freaky place, with lots of pigs and talking dolls floating around. Gir looked at the place in awe. "Wow…like a moose!"
"Yeah, cool isn't it? Come on, we've got to hurry." He steered the Runner down the road; piloting through the several storage sections dedicated to Vasquez's other creations. He passed through the Happy Noodle Boy, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and Squee before finally reaching the Invader Zim section. Just as he passed through the gate, a Foob Cruiser sailed past him, two figures in the cockpit. One was a tall, gothic-looking human woman. The other was Dib. The big headed human grinned and waved at Zim as he passed, heading away. "Dib!" hissed Zim. Angrily, he flew through the section, not noticing the turn-offs and almost missing the new section. Zim parked the Runner and stepped out. "Gir, stay here. I won't be more than a minute."
He walked across the bleak field, looking for a protoform. To his disappointment, there was only one left. The others had come and gone. Hoping it would be the good client that would show Herb he was worthier than Dib, he tore into the material of the gray blob with one of his spider legs. The blob ripped apart, revealing…an Irken who looked extremely cranky and was even shorter than Zim. Looking at his rescuer, the Irken named as Bronu said, "Nice dress."
One long drive later…The Runner flew out of the portal and landed in Zim's parking space, nestled between the other spaces, which were already full. As they exited the Runner, Zim kept explaining the situation to Bronu. "Now, we have several travel packages you might be interested in-"
Bronu growled. "Stuff the yap and give me something where I can get lots of quiet and time to think." He headed over to the freight elevator.
Zim started to follow, but Gir got his attention. "Master, if you want I can fix up your Runner so it's really fast and really cool…"
"Gir, it's against the rules to modify cars without permission from upstairs, and I doubt they'll give it to me."
Gir shrugged. "Okay, but I was under the impression that you wanted to get better clients, and I figured that a faster car would help you beat the others to the protoforms. I mean, you do want to surpass Dib, don't you?"
Zim's eye twitched. "Okay Gir, you talked me into it. Do whatever you want to the Runner, just make it better than Dib's!" With that, he headed after Bronu.
Gir's eyes bulged. "Oh yeah! SLAM the front into the cannons, enlarge the ship, and chrome everything…"As he babbled to himself, driving the Runner out of the garage and heading towards the junkyard, Gir started drooling. "Cupcake!"
After going up to his office and checking the files, Zim determined that Bronu was also a deadbeat. But since the client didn't want to walk, there was only one other way to get Bronu to the employment office. "Urf…come…on!" shouted Zim.
He was in one of the rooms on the building's first floor, attempting to stuff Bronu in a cryogenic pod. For those who refused to walk, cryogenic capsules were made available so they would be shipped to the employment office. It took roughly a year to do so, and frankly it seemed that Bronu was regretting his choice not to walk. Zim succeeded in shoving the little Irken into the pod. Bronu clung onto the door edge with his spider legs, trying to keep from being shut in. "Wait! Can't you find me something else? Something where I can stretch my legs?"
As Zim tried to force the legs off of the hinge, Zim said, "You know I'd really like to Bronu, but the boss is a real hardass and I can get in trouble for not giving the client the best transport they deserve."
"I gotta be a hardass with lazy toons like you working for me." Said a familiar voice from behind Zim. He paused, horrified. No, it couldn't be. It was. Herb Scannell…
"M-Mr. Scannell, what can I do for you?" asked Zim, panicking while still trying to force Bronu into the pod.
The human scowled. "Zim, what are you doing with your career? Aside from your paltry acting skills, you've got nothing to show for a job! Why can't you get clients?"
"I've got a client right here!"
"I mean premium clients, Zim. Clients who are getting a ticket on the Mega Rail. Why can't you be more like Dib?"
That did it. "Like Dib?!? LIKE DIB!?!??!? Well, maybe I would be more like Dib if I had a huge head, or glasses, or was an inferior life form! Maybe I would get premium clients if you assigned more to me instead of Dib, instead of leaving me with scumbags like Mr. Bronu here!"
"Hey!" yelled Bronu.
Herb was taken aback. "Now you're blaming the clients, Zim? That does it! If you don't get one premium client by the time the next season rolls around, you're fired, no matter what the repercussions will be on the public! We'll replace your time slot with the Dib Membrane show, in which Dib Membrane saves the world and finds out all sorts of supernatural stuff!"
"But the public will hate it! The ratings will drop to nothing! I've been single-handedly supporting your channel for two years now, and yet you give Dib all the good stuff! Why?"
Herb chuckled menacingly. "Wouldn't you like to know? Well, maybe you'll find out why I seem to fancy Dib if you get a premium client by next season. Otherwise, you'll be out on the street with no way to earn a living and no way to ever become more than you are now! All you'll have is your stupid pet robot, the pod on your back, and that big wide smile of yours. So start working harder or else!" Herb left, laughing evilly.
"Who you calling a scumbag? Why I oughta" Angrily, Zim kicked Bronu into the pod, threw in a complimentary coffee mug, slammed the door shut and turned the valves on the tubes connecting to the pod. Two chemicals sprayed from the tubes, going into the pod. As Bronu screamed, trying to get out, the chemicals mixed into a super-cold solution that would keep Bronu out for almost a year.
Walking out of the packing room, Zim thought to himself, "Premium client…how am I supposed to get a premium client? Maybe it's time I stopped waiting for fate to intervene. It's time to stop expecting a premium client, like it's going to just fly in here tied to a missile. It's time to take one." He returned to the top floor, intending to do some hardcore planning in his office. He started to walk past Dib's office, before noticing the door was open. Curious, he decided to go in and see what Dib had done to his old office. The results were appalling. Dib had replaced all of the magenta metal with carpets and wallpaper, trying to stamp out anything even remotely Zim-like. There was a huge picture of Dib painted on the ceiling. There was a large array of dominos laid out on the floor. Dib liked dominos. Speaking of Dib, the human cartoon was standing on a stool, hitting a punching bag. Zim realized now was the perfect opportunity to get some things off his chest. Zim decided to take the initiative, hoping his sudden speech would startle Dib and cause him to fall. "Hey, Dib!"
Surprised, the big headed boy lost his balance and fell off the stool, shaking the ground and causing his complex domino system to topple. Picking himself up, he looked furiously at Zim, then seemed to mellow out. Or he was trying to at least. He climbed back up the stool and stood over the alien. "So, what do you want?"
"How did you make out at the brainstem?"
Dib grinned a little too nicely. "Let's just say Mrs. Membrane has a passion for trains."
"You got a woman who will be in your family?"
"Talk about good family values."
"And she got a ticket on the Mega Rail?"
"Choo choo, little buddy. What did you get?"
Zim sagged. "I got a little guy who ended up being sent pod post."
"Well that's too bad, Zim. Maybe you'll have better luck next time." He started hitting the bag again. "Anything else I can do for you?"
"I wanna tell you something."
"Good Zim, let it all out, there's no reason for you to be afraid of me."
Zim bristled at that, wishing he could just rip Dib's throat out. "You know, this used to be my office."
"I know, I found your name in some comic books in the old desk."
"Comic books? Ha! I don't read comic books."
"Really? Then you don't mind if I throw away all 300 issues of Sonic the Hedgehog?"
"Ah! Don't! Those are my fav…" Dib's grin got big again. "I hate you." Dib went back to punching. Zim continued. "Anyway, I want it back."
"Sorry, only way you're getting this office is if I drop dead."
"That could be arranged." Zim muttered under his breath. Out loud he said, "I think we should team up, work together." Zim lied.
"But Zim, I-I could never team up with somebody who's so much more if a man than I am." Dib replied sarcastically.
Zim scowled. "Oh come on, even Gaz is more masculine than you are. And she's a girl. Why do you always get the good clients?"
"I'm not the one you should be asking, Zim. You need to take a good long look at the guy in the mirror for the answer to that."
"No thanks, I don't get the same pleasure from that that you do." Zim said, grinning.
Dib tensed, looking like he was trying to hold something back. "Well of course not, why would anyone, even yourself want to see something as ugly as your face?"
"Why would anyone, even yourself, want to see something as big as your head?"
"MY HEAD IS NOT BIG!" shouted Dib.
Zim nodded, knowing he had struck a nerve. But he decided to move on before Dib tried something a little more dangerous. "Anyway, can I have one of your clients?"
Regaining his composure, Dib said, "You can have one of my clients once I get one I think you can handle."
Zim snorted. "I can handle anything you've got human, especially if that's your best right jab."
Dib shot Zim a look. "You could do better?"
"Want to see?"
Reluctantly, Dib stepped down from the stool. Zim climbed up and punched the bag, knocking it off of its hook. It landed on the floor with a dull thud. "Hey! That was my only punching bag!"
"Just hook it back up and it'll be as good as new." Said Zim.
Frowning, Dib did just that and went back to pummeling the bag, his punches getting wilder and stronger. "Is there anything else, Zim?" Dib asked between his teeth.
"Yeah, I wanna punch you in the mouth." Zim joked, half-serious.
"Aw no, not the Christmas party again."
"What happened at the Christmas party?" Zim asked, confused.
"Blacked out on the whole thing, huh? A piece of advice: lay off the alcohol."
Zim walked away from the stool, leaving Dib to his business. Wanting to take a look at Dib's computer, he got behind the desk. "Hey Dib, what's your password?"
"Get away from my computer, alien."
Zim shrugged and got out of Dib's chair. As he did so, he noticed that the cable leading from Dib's network box to the wall was bright red. Remembering that his own was standard black, as was everyone else's, Zim filed the color in his memory, knowing it might come in handy. He decided to leave. As he walked out the door, he said, "Goodbye Bighead." Dib growled angrily, but Zim was already out the door and safe in his own office when Dib turned around.
He sat behind his desk, chuckling a little. Then he got serious. He needed a plan, something that would get him a premium client. His best bet would definitely be to intercept Dib's E-mail. The only way he could do that was to plant a bug in the server so any information sent to Dib's computer would also be received by Zim. However, the server was kept in a secure area that could only be accessed by the janitor. Aside from stealing the guy's keys or breaking in, how could he get down there to mess with the server? Getting a notion, he called up floor maps and blueprints on the computer. He was surprised to discover that the upper part of the waste processor that led to the sewers was in the same room as the server. Since the waste the machine processed was, er, biological product, that meant the best way to mess up the processor would be via the toilets. As Zim's brilliant mind leapt into action, he quickly used his computer to generate the appropriate device to tap Dib's cable. Good thing he knew Dib had a red cable, so it would be easy to plant the device. He put the little ring- shaped device in his pod and left the room, heading for the prop department. He borrowed two balloons and went down to the pod packing room. He noticed that Bronu had already been taken away, along with some other pods full of supplies. Their next stop would be the employment office at the edge of the world. Well, it wasn't actually at the edge of the world since the planet was round, but it was on a really big mountain, overlooking a huge precipice. Zim walked over to the two tubes that contained the freezing chemicals. He attached a balloon to either tube and opened the faucets, filling both balloons. He turned off the faucets and put the balloons away, heading for the men's room closest to the processor. After making sure nobody was occupying the stalls, Zim walked into one and dropped one balloon into the toilet, flushing it. He then dropped the other balloon into the toilet and flushed it. Squeezing through the narrow plumbing system, the two balloons made it to the interior of the incredibly filthy and disgusting processor. The balloons popped, their chemical interiors mixing. As the two chemicals combined into the super cold material, the processor was clogged up as all the waste turned to ice, backing up the pipes. As the water in the toilet started turning murky, Zim grinned evilly, the first phase of his plan in place. He left the bathroom and took the stairs to the maintenance level, where he found a door marked "Server and Waste Processor" wide open. It was good to see that the management had identified the problem so quickly and sent a man to fix it. Zim walked into the room that held both important devices. Zim immediately saw three things. First off was the fire extinguisher next to the door. Second, was the huge metal cylinder in one corner of the room, extending from the ceiling to the floor. The janitor, one of the Butt Ugly Martians, was trying to fix the thing, poking his head now and then through a hatch in the side of the cylinder. Zim shuddered. He hated Martians. They were ugly, stupid, smelly, and they cost him his show at one point. Third, was the blue box sitting on a pedestal in the center of the room. Cables came out from it, going into the walls all over the room. All but one of the cables were black. This one was red. Zim found his target. As he approached the server, the Martian grunted, hearing him. "Hey, who's there?" Grimy and smelling worse than usual, the Martian turned around. "What the…what are you doing here?"
"Oh, I was just, um, checking to see if the server was working properly."
"That's my job!"
"I thought you were one of the stars of B.U.M."
"I am. But I'm also a janitor. So what are you doing here?"
"I already told you."
"Oh yeah. Hey, why don't you come over here so we can talk face to face."
"No thank you."
"Why not? You think you're better than me or something?" the Martian, now recognizable as Duwop, said angrily.
"No." said Zim truthfully. He didn't think he was better than Duwop. He knew he was better than Duwop.
"Well, good." He turned around and went back to work.
Unable to hold down his curiosity, Zim went over to the processor to see what Duwop was doing. The Martian had opened a panel on the big machine and was trying to clean the insides with a laser torch. "So, what are you doing here?"
Duwop grunted. "Some smart-ass sent the cold packing chemicals down the toilets, freezing up the processor and jamming the plumbing system. I'm using this torch here to clean out the frozen junk."
"How long do you think it would take?"
"Hard to say, could be hours."
"Or until nobody's around to see you leave?"
"Of course. Now could you kindly leave me alone, green boy? I've got a lot of work to do here." Zim started walking away, heading for the server box. Duwop kept fiddling with the laser torch, cleaning out more crap (literally) until he accidentally turned the torch the wrong way, setting himself on fire. He screamed, trying to beat out the flames. Hearing the burning flame, Zim ran over to the door, grabbed the fire extinguisher, and ran back. He found that Duwop had already beaten out the flames. The Martian took one look at the fire extinguisher and yelped. "Ahhhh! What are you doing? That's a magnesium-based fire extinguisher! If any of it hits the cryogenic packing material, we'll both be riding the Roman candle out of here!"
Zim frowned. "What? Why would they put something so dangerous in here?"
"I guess they didn't expect it to be full of hazardous waste, dumbass!"
He went back to work. Growling, Zim put the extinguisher in his pod, not caring that he was probably breaking building regulations. Seeing that Duwop was occupied, Zim quietly walked over to the server. Taking out the ring, he split it in two and reconnected it around Dib's cable. Lights started blinking on the ring, indicating its operation. Pleased, Zim left the Martian alone, head back to his office. As he returned to the top floor, he noticed that Dib's door was still open. Looking in, he saw Dib was still punching the bag, muttering to himself about wringing Zim's neck. Zim returned to the office and checked his computer. Of course, it was too much to expect there to already be a message, and there was none. With nothing else to do, he started playing DOOM III to pass the time. After about an hour, the "You've got Mail!" icon flashed up. Eagerly, Zim clicked it. As he had hoped, it was an assignment for a new client. Knowing Dib would get this at the exact same time, Zim quickly read through the specs on the new cartoon. "Okay, let's see…Name: Rana, Sex: Female, Species: Undefined, Personality traits: Pretty nice and responsible, an overall good person, but can be dangerous if angered, Ranking…Oh my god…A COSTAR!?!?!?" Zim got out of his seat. He couldn't believe it. A new star for the show! And if he got to her first, she would be working with him instead of Dib. That would change the balance of power between the enemies greatly, since Dib had Gaz and Zim had Gir. With a new star, either side could gain supremacy. And this also meant she was a premium client, securing his job! He quickly rushed to the freight elevator, only to see Dib was already running for it. Dib jumped in and closed the doors only seconds before Zim could make it. Zim knew it was too dangerous to risk another jump down the stairwell, so he had no other choice but to wait for the elevator to come back up. And since Dib's Cruiser was faster than Zim's old Runner was, he could only pray that whatever modifications Gir had made to the Runner would be sufficient to overtake Dib. As he pushed the call button and waited for the elevator's return, he called Gir on his built-in communicator. "Gir! Come in, Gir!"
The image of Gir eating a large taco appeared on the communicator. While stuffing his face, Gir managed to say, "Hi Master!"
"Gir, where are you?"
"In the mechanics shack."
"Have you finished modifying the Runner?"
"Uh huh!"
"Good. We need to get going, fast."
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Because I need to beat Dib to this next client."
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Because if I don't, I could lose my job!"
"Whyyyyyyyy?"
"Because my boss is a jerk!"
"Okay, meet you in the garage."
The communicator switched off. Zim was relieved to see the elevator had finally arrived. He hopped in and headed to the garage. What he saw when he stepped out did NOT look like the Runner. Gir had removed the bubble shield for the cockpit and got rid of the walls surrounding it, pushing the drivers seat into the front. Heavy-duty laser cannons had replaced the energy ball launchers. The hover engines supporting the Runner had been upgraded, allowing the Runner to levitate several feet in the air to avoid the problems of bumpy roads. (Even though it's a floating car, it's a low- riding model so bumpy roads are bad for it.) The top half of an improved PEG reactor was sticking out of the hull just behind the open cockpit and was covered by a Tefliglass bubble. The thruster pods sticking out of the sides of the Runner were larger and longer, with flame and taco decals on them. A pair of seats were located behind the reactor, covered by a force field to keep the riders from getting bugs in their teeth. A platform rose just behind the two seats, supporting a throne-like chair with some controls on the arms. This was also protected by the aforementioned force field. A huge thruster cylinder emerged from the back of the Runner, underneath the throne and between the two pods. Gir was sitting in the driver seat, looking as if his little android heart would burst at any moment from unbridled joy. Oh, did I forget to mention that the whole thing was covered in shiny chrome? Zim stared at the machine that had once been his car, so to speak. "Gir, are you crazy? That was a company car!"
"Oh yeah! And it's even better company now! Hop in master! Let's give the Doom Wagon her first test drive!"
"The what?"
"Captains always name their ships something, so I figured why not name this vessel something cool? I call her the Doom Wagon!"
Zim looked over the vehicle again. "I don't believe this. Gir, I'm actually proud of you!"
"Thank you Master! Now let's go stop mean Mister Bighead from stealing your client!"
Zim climbed into the throne at the back of the Wagon, giving him a high view of everything. "Onward, to victory!"
"WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gir spun the Doom Wagon around, driving into the portal. Using the new hover engines, they were able to literally soar above the traffic.
As they entered Vasquez's mind, Zim could see Dib's Cruiser far up the road, nearing the entrance to Squee. "Gir, we're not going to make it!"
"Buckle your seatbelt, Master! This is gonna be a close one." Gir flicked a switch on the dashboard.
The huge thruster glowed and ignited, firing a stream of superhot plasma outward and propelling the Doom Wagon down the road at an incredible speed. Gir screamed, "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" while sticking his tongue out, waving in the wind. Zim screamed as he was pushed back in his seat, digging his claws into the armrests. He was about to yell at Gir to stop, when he suddenly noticed that they had actually caught up to Dib's Cruiser. The super fast ship zoomed past Dib, causing his ship to spin out of control and almost fall off the road. Dib's head smashed into the front of the cockpit, cracking his glasses. He stared in disbelief as Zim's ship rocketed down the road, leaving him in the dust. Zim laughed maniacally, very happy now.
The Doom Wagon zoomed into the Invader Zim section and came to an immediate and very smooth stop, gently landing on the ground. Impressed that he hadn't even felt any jolt from the stop, Zim unbuckled himself and got off the chair. Jumping down, he walked up to the drivers seat and petted Gir on the head. "Good boy. Good robot." Gir squealed and giggled, squirming in his seat. Zim walked across the bleak landscape, looking for the protoform. As he got near, the blob moved a little, its features giving off just a hint of Irken. Extending a spider leg, Zim sliced through the protoform, taking a look at the creature inside. His heart stopped.
The most beautiful Irken he had ever seen moaned and opened her eyes. A little clumsily, she got out of the protoform. "Who…who are you? Where am I?" She was about Zim's height, only a millimeter taller than he was. She had a standard uniform, but she seemed to fit into it more nicely than Zim liked to imagine. Her utility pod was normal aside from the green spots and the Irken insignia stamped on the center spot. Her antennae were curly, as were all Irken females, but something about them seemed different. They weren't nearly as long as Tak's, yet they were longer than the average girl's antennae. In a way, her eyes were the greatest things about her. They were a deep forest green, a green so deep that when Zim looked into them he felt as if he could drown in them. He shook his head, snapping out of this trance.
"My name is Zim. I have just freed you from that protoform. We are inside the mind of our creator, Jhonen Vasquez."
"I don't completely understand…"
"Don't worry, I'll explain it all on the way back to civilization."
"Why did you rescue me?"
Zim paused, not completely sure how to answer, the girl, Rana. "Because you might be able to save me."
She looked at him, puzzled, then noticed the Doom Wagon and Gir, who was making engine noises while playing with the steering controls. "Is that your vehicle? And your SIR?" He nodded. "They look cool." He blushed visibly.
A half-hour later, back at the Nickelodeon Building, in Zim's office…Zim had just finished explaining the whole deal about employment and stuff to Rana. She frowned after Zim had finished telling her his involvement in all this, and told her how important she was going to be to both the show and his continuing career. "That's a lot of responsibility, Zim. What makes you think I'm that good?"
"Rana, I'm sure of it. According to your file, you are guaranteed a ticket to…" He accessed the database on his computer and selected her file, checking her travel status. His findings were quite unexpected. "…Nowhere?" According to the file, Rana didn't deserve a ticket on the Mega Rail. She didn't even deserve to be sent by cryogenic pod. "WHAT?!"
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
"I can't seem to find you your ticket. But the ranking on your file said you were going to be a costar. That means you should have a ticket, but the computer says you don't."
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Impossible, you were born a half-hour ago. Are you sure you're the real Rana?"
"Well, who else would I be?"
"I don't know. Maybe some other Irken female?"
"Is there anyway you can check?"
"Actually, yes. May I see your pod?" She nodded. Zim got out of his seat and opened one of the spots on Rana's utility pod. A cable extended from a similar panel on his own and went into the hole. After a moment, the cable came out. "Well, that was disappointing. According to your pod, you are Rana."
"Then why is there a problem?"
Zim shook his head, frustrated. "I-I don't know. You know what I've gotta do? I've gotta go straighten this all out. I'll be back, okay?"
A bit saddened, he started out the door. He was too caught up in his own feelings of confusion and misunderstanding to hear Rana say, "I'm sorry I let you down Zim."
Zim walked down the corridor, heading for the elevator so he could get to the company records. As he started to pass Herb's office, the big golden door burst open and an irate Herb Scannell leaned out. "Zim! In my office! NOW!"
Several minutes later, Zim and Dib were both standing before the desk of their boss, admiring his spacious and tastefully decorated office. Dib looked somewhat amused, despite the big bruise on his giant head and the crack in his glasses. Zim was worried and nervous. Herb did not look happy. "You vandalize company property to eavesdrop on an employee's personal line to obtain secret information so you can take your illegally modified car and run Dib here off the road!" The president yelled at Zim. He cringed. "And it was all to prevent a client from going to her legitimate agent!"
"Nothing's legitimate about this place. You give Dib all the good clients!" said Zim, a little weakly.
Dib shook his enormous head. "Zim, now I'm embarrassed for you."
Herb scowled even more, his face twisting. "I'm going to have Rana come in here right now so you can apologize to her in person." He stabbed the P.A. button on his desk. "Sandy, please send in Rana."
"She left fifteen minutes ago. She said she had a long walk ahead of her and she had better get started."
"WALKING!?!" shrieked Scannell, a vein standing out on his head. "Why does she think she has to walk to the employment office?"
"That was the best thing I could find her." Said Zim, feeling very guilty.
"Zim, Rana was going to be a costar, and she thinks she's walking just because you couldn't find her ticket!? This is why I give all the good clients to Dib, since he's more responsible in this matter! That girl was a saint and a shoe-in for a ticket on the Mega Rail! Now she's somewhere else, lost in the Petrified Forest outside of town, forced to confront the demons of the wild unprotected and alone, her destiny stolen by an over- reaching actor who was looking for a commission he didn't deserve. You are in BIG trouble, Zim. You're fired. Dib, his slot will now be your own. The first episode of The Adventures of Dib Membrane will be premiering this Friday."
"Yes!" cheered Dib.
"As for YOU, Zim…" Herb Scannell grinned evilly. "Well, you'll just have to wait and see, now won't you?" Zim looked down at the floor, very worried.
Uh oh! What's Herb Scannell going to do to Zim? Is there another reason Dib is favored over Zim? Will Rana make it out safely? Find out on the next chapter of Zim Fandango…
