Chapter 2

The general's door stood wide open and yet Daniel still hesitated at the doorway. Raising one hand he knocked lightly, not quite sure if what he was about to do was right or not.

Hammond looked up from his paperwork and motioned Daniel inside. "Take a seat, Doctor Jackson, I'll be just one minute with this."

Daniel sat with care, placing the folder neatly on his lap, eyes straying around the office. He'd never really looked before, but now he let his attention focus on the pictures on the wall, the commendations, and the memories that lived in those images. General Hammond had always been more than fair with him, he knew that the latitude this man gave his number one team was probably unprecedented in the military, but what he was about to ask for might strain even this man's tolerance. It wasn't as if he were about to ask for a few days, or even a week.

Resisting the urge to stand Daniel rested his attention once more on the manila file that he had worked on from three that morning. He had gone over all of the proposed applicants for the post of translator come linguist come whatever the SGC might have in mind, and each had their merits and demerits. On the whole though, his bias leaned towards Janice Phillips. The last few articles she had published showed an openness of mind that was rare in the archaeological world, and it was something that would be high on the list of requirements for this post.

"Doctor Jackson?"

He looked up quickly, realising that the general had been speaking to him for some moments.

"Right. Sorry." My god, was that all he could manage, yet another apology? "I've gone through the lists, here are my recommendations. I don't know any of them personally but they are all well respected in their fields. Whether any of them would fit in, I don't know. I presume none of them have been approached yet?"

"Correct. I wanted your assessments first." Hammond was flicking through the notes Daniel had made when his attention returned to the man so obviously uncomfortable in front of him.

"Is there a problem, Doctor Jackson? Something about these folks that I should know?"

Daniel could resist the urge no longer and stood quickly, moving to close the General's door. Outside an airman looked up at the unusual sound before returning to his task. It wasn't often the Commander of the facility shut his door.

Catching himself in the defensive act of wrapping his arms around his body, Daniel forced his hands into his pockets, fingers clenched into tight fists. He had thought long and hard about this request, knowing that it was the only answer to a rapidly increasing problem. He knew that if he asked, the general would have assigned him a therapist, but he also knew that that was not what he needed right now. How could he explain to anyone what he was feeling when he didn't really know himself? No, what he needed was time. Time to think through all that had been, all that might yet come, and how that related to Daniel Jackson the man, not Doctor Jackson, member of SG1.

"Doctor?"

"I want some time off, General. No, no, I need some time off. Things are just… I need a break from this." His head indicated the briefing room beyond, his face pale in the artificial lighting.

"Doctor Jackson, I don't think we can spare you at the moment. SG1 is due out again on Saturday, the MALP indicates that this planet might have a technology on par with that of the Asgard. We need you on this mission."

Daniel closed his eyes against the general's unwavering stare, unaware that the mental anguish he was suffering showed on his face for a brief, unguarded moment.

"Take a seat, son."

Startled blue eyes flew open at the appellation. Concern rested on the older man's face. This man looked out for all of the men and women under his command, but Daniel knew he took special pains when it came to SG1. The leeway he allowed them was borne out of respect for their abilities and the affection he held for them all. But he was military when all was said and done, could he understand the slow destruction of self that Daniel could feel seeping through every pore? Could he begin to comprehend how a one time passionate archaeologist felt at being turned into some kind of GI Joe? Would he even understand why the loss of wonder at new discoveries affected him so badly? To see a new language written for the first time should send a thrill through him as it did just a couple of years before, now it was just one more chore that he had to do, oh, and maybe he would have to kill the artisan who wrote it!

"Daniel?"

That too was a departure for the general. Reluctantly Daniel resumed his seat, dragging it forward until he could rest his hands on the desk. "General, I haven't had any time off in over a year. When the rest of SG1 took a break a few months back, I was here, translating, watching the pile get ever higher. I know you need my expertise when it comes to sorting artefacts, translating some languages, but not for everything I am given to do."

"Such as?" General Hammond's voice was unaccustomedly gentle as he watched the expressive face of the younger man as he fought with his emotions eyes fixed on his clasped fingers.

"Goa'uld for one. Sam and I have been working on a programme for the computer. Basically, everything I have ever translated has been downloaded into the base main frame; all it needs is some fine-tuning, Sam can handle that. Every language, spoken and written, that we have discovered is also now in the computer, it only needs a linguist to clarify the results, and that doesn't have to be me." Daniel raised his face slightly, looking up at the general. "General, I feel…I feel swamped right now, I need a break, time to rediscover who I am outside of this facility…" His voice trailed off, not sure if he had said too much, or not enough.

"Where would you go, Doctor? Egypt is out of the question, you know how hard it was to get you in there last time."

Daniel shook his head, relieved that his request was being given consideration, and a little taken aback that the general knew him well enough to leap at Egypt as a possible retreat.

"I thought, Belize. Nick's lost temple is somewhere out there. It might be beneficial to have another route off the planet. Plus there may be more we could learn about his 'giant aliens', after all, they are not being all that forthcoming with information right now."

"I see." Shrewd eyes fixed on Daniel with uncomfortable intensity. "And how long would you expect this trip to take, Doctor?"

"A month, maybe two." Daniel tried to keep his voice neutral, but the hope that had suddenly sprung up within him coloured his words.

"That's not practical, Doctor. We can't afford to lose your skills for that length of time. The SGC needs you here right now."

With a sinking feeling of impending disaster, Daniel stood and turned from the apparently unsympathetic man behind the desk.

"You don't understand, General. I have to get away, I must get away, and if you don't give me leave I'll have to resign."

"I don't like threats, Doctor Jackson."

Daniel lowered his head, closing his eyes against the possible reaction and spoke softly. "It's not a threat, General. There is no compromise I can make. If I can't get some time for myself, and soon, I'll be of no use to anyone."

Quickly, before the general could react, Daniel twisted the door handle and flung himself out into the briefing room, clattered down the spiral stairs, and headed for his laboratory.

General Hammond watched the retreating back disappear from view, heard the metallic clang of boots on the stairs, and leaned back in his chair astonished. A moment's reflection assured him that something more was going on than Doctor Jackson had implied.

Picking up the internal phone, he barked out his order. "Get me Colonel O'Neill, now. I want him in my office stat!"

***

It was only a few minutes later that Jack O'Neill tapped on the General's door, one brow lifted in inquiry.

"Come in, Colonel," the older man ordered with an edge to his voice that didn't escape Jack's notice.

Ah, it was going to be one of *those* conversations, he mused. Quickly he scanned the team's most recent activities, none of which might account for the General's current demeanour.

"Take a seat." Hammond waited until O'Neill had taken the seat that Daniel had so recently occupied. "I've just had Doctor Jackson in here with a rather unusual request. I want your thoughts on it."

Now that was unusual, Daniel hardly ever went over Jack's head on anything, preferring to face any disagreement head on.

"Doctor Jackson wants to take an extended leave of absence."

Both Jack's brows raised in astonishment. There had been no hint of this, had there?

The General's fingers tapped rhythmically against the manila folder under his hand on the desk. "He claims he is not required for a lot of the work he is being given to do. I think there is more than that going on, Colonel, and I need to know what it is. Someone with his inside knowledge of this facility can't be allowed to disappear when the mood takes him."

O'Neill's face became perfectly neutral as he thought furiously over the last couple of weeks. Yes, Daniel had been a little inattentive, but heck, that was Daniel. If it wasn't hundreds of years old he wasn't interested in it, but maybe… There had, of course, been the late nights and early mornings, again not something too unusual for the driven archaeologist. Dark rings under blue eyes and a subtle weight loss had also hinted at something more than overwork. Damn, how had he missed this? If Daniel was that stressed that he wanted time out why hadn't he come to him? Oh yeah, right, Jack's inner demons taunted, like the two of you are the best of buddies right now. There had been an almost imperceptible drift between the two men for months ever since that whole NID thing. They treated each other with a little more caution than they had previously, and Jack had never queried why - until now.

"You want me to talk to him, sir?"

"I need to know if, should I agree to his request, Daniel Jackson will pose any kind of a security threat to this facility, Colonel. There is more at stake here than acceding to his demands. I want your recommendations as soon as possible. Call on Doctor Fraiser if you have to, or McKenzie, just tell me he's not in trouble here."

Jack looked up quickly, catching the softening of the man's voice. Heck, everyone had a soft spot for Daniel, it was the nature of the beast to connect with the most unlikely of people, and Hammond was no more immune than the rest of the SGC it seemed.

"I'll do what I can, sir."

***

Daniel sat at his desk, elbows propped against an open book, head resting in his hands. Only the reading light was on, leaving the room in shadows that suited his mood. He hadn't said enough to convince the general. He hadn't revealed enough of his inner unrest to warrant his leave, and above all else he had threatened to resign. Well, if that didn't get the men in white coats down here what the hell would?

It took a moment or two to realise that he wasn't alone. Thanks to military efficiency the squeak from the hinges had been fixed some days ago and he had not heard the door being pushed open. It was the sudden play of light that alerted him to company. He raised his head slowly, eyes blinking at the glare from the hall.

"Daniel."

Jack, of course, and that tone of voice was way too familiar to him. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, replacing his glasses and focusing on the man standing silhouetted in the door.

"You'd better come in. I take it General Hammond has talked to you?"

O'Neill pushed the door too again, letting the lock click shut behind him. It had become an unwritten rule that you didn't disturb any of SG1 if their doors were closed, well mostly that is.

"Yeah, we spoke. Hammond tells me you want some time off, an extended vacation. You know you could always borrow the cabin for a while. Fish as big as…" Jack's arms dropped from their exaggerated description of the fish to be found in the lake. "Okay, I know that's not your style, but why the sudden rush?"

"It's not sudden, Jack."

Daniel went back to contemplating the pages before him, not seeing the words written there.

Jack hesitated for a moment. "Is it Sha're? Because you never did take time out, Daniel, you just kept on going as though work could heal you. It doesn't work that way, I should know."

"No," Daniel said softly. "It's not Sha're. It still hurts but no that's not it." And suddenly he was on his feet, grabbing a video from the pile beside his screen. "Who am I, Jack? What am I?"

The older man's confused eyes rested on his piercing blue. Then Jack shook his head slowly. "You're Daniel Jackson, archaeologist, linguist, member of my team and a friend."

"Look at this, look a me on this footage."

Jack turned puzzled eyes to the screen, watching a younger Daniel Jackson, long hair falling in his eyes as he worked to decipher a large stele covered in Goa'uld symbols. Then the linguist put in another tape, later in SG1's travels, but still Daniel was beavering away at some knotty problem, an almost obsessive light in his eyes as he sorted over artefacts from a civilisation believed to have descended from an ancient Minoan culture. On and on the clips went, with each one it seemed some of the enthusiasm that had personified that young Daniel was stripped away.

"Do you see, Jack? Look at this one again. Here I didn't even know how to hold a gun, let alone use one. Yeah, funny I know," he said, catching Jack's unintentional grin.

"But you know what? It isn't funny any more. I know how to use more weapons than the average enlisted man. I've killed more people than I want to remember. And you know what else, Jack? It doesn't hurt any more."

"Daniel… Look, I admit it, it's not what you signed on for, but you've saved the rest of us countless times because you know how to use those same weapons. "

"Damn it, Jack! What is it with you? Why can't you, just for once, stop being military and see it from my point of view? I don't want to spend the rest of my life running around with a gun in my hand. I don't want to walk onto a world that should be an historian's dream and fight my way to get off again. I want time to find out who I am now, and whether I can live with that."

"You're still mad at me about shooting that damn robot aren't you? Look, I had to do it; those damn bugs were out of control! It was them or us."

Daniel turned his back on the angry, pleading eyes of his friend. He did not want to remember that scene in the embarkation room. His fury with Jack then had been almost overwhelming. He had poured his heart into trying to earn Reese's trust, just a minute more and the replicators would have been gone, and no-one would have had to die, robot or not. The knowledge they had lost in that split second of Jack's uncontrolled fire was unfathomable. Reese, android creator of the replicators, could have held the key to freeing the Asgard from their nightmare enemy. Daniel felt the fury rise within him again, and gritted his teeth against the words that wanted to force their way past his tight pressed lips.

"Look, Daniel…"

Daniel's angry glance pierced Jack's armour, heading straight to that soft spot he carried for this intense young man.

"Oh, for crying out loud! Daniel you have to talk about this. Hammond isn't going to let you just go tearing off into the wild blue yonder without a good reason." Jack stepped closer to Daniel, even as the linguist took a step back.

"I think you'd better leave, Jack. Tell Hammond I need an answer by tomorrow." Then he turned his back on the astonished gaze and switched on his screen, reading intently from its flickering display.

Behind Jack's retreating form his door closed with a decided thump. Military doors were not designed for slamming or his would have been taken off its hinges he was sure.

Jack stood outside the closed door, fists punched into deep pockets, his eyes riveted to the floor as he struggled to bring his sudden surge of anger back under control. Teal'c's heavy footsteps only barely registered through the mist of his emotions.

"O'Neill."

The colonel's head came up, casting an unreadable look at the jaffa.

"There is a problem with Daniel Jackson?" Though it was a question, the jaffa's voice sounded more like a statement.

"Yeah," Jack sighed. "Yeah, there is."

"I have noticed for some time now that all is not well."

"You did?" Damn, where had his wits been these last few weeks?

Teal'c inclined his head in acknowledgement. "I have seen this before in jaffa. Daniel Jackson is losing himself."

Again, that implacable statement, and Teal'c was rarely wrong. O'Neill's face screwed into a grimace.

"So, what's the cure then?" Jack asked, half fearing the answer.

"In Jaffa an extended Kel no reem would be advised. I do not believe meditation would help Daniel Jackson however."

Jack waited for a moment, then two, expecting the jaffa to continue. Finally, "Well? What do you suggest then?"

"I do not know."

"Oh you're a great help!" Hands tossed up in disbelief, the colonel strode down the corridor and headed for Sam's laboratory.

***

The stars were particularly bright in the cool night air. Each tiny pinprick of light seemed to glisten and twinkle just for him. Daniel's breath steamed into the darkness as he sighed. Behind him the lights of Cheyenne Mountain blazed like a beacon, but here, off of the well-lit road, trees shadowed the area in blissful darkness. He didn't turn when he heard the soft sound of footfalls behind him, he knew who it would be.

"Hey there. Thought you might need this." Sam pressed a Styrofoam cup of steaming coffee into his half numb hands.

"Thanks." Gratefully he wrapped his chilled fingers around the plastic, letting the heat warm him. He took a sip, then two, feeling it track through his system, the caffeine kicking in a moment later.

Sam stood beside him, the silence resting easily between them. There had been many times over the last few years when the two of them had stood like this, speaking without saying a word, understanding without intruding. The trust between them went deeper than friendship. They had relied on one another countless times, knowing that any member of the team would gladly sacrifice themselves for the others. That tight bond held them together, but it could not bridge every chasm. Still, Daniel took comfort from the knowledge that Sam had sought him out, was ready to stand out in the damp night air just to keep him company.

"I guess Jack has been talking then?" Daniel murmured around his coffee cup.

"Yup."

His eyes sought hers in the shadows. "What do you think, am I ready for the funny farm yet? McKenzie preparing the padded room for me again?"

She moved a little closer, sharing her body warmth with him where her shoulder rested against his. "I don't think you need that kind of help, Daniel. You do need to talk though. It doesn't matter who to, just let someone help you."

"Yeah, well that is something the military does so well, right! Listening is right up there with how to tie your boots and how to destroy the enemy." His eyes locked onto the distant stars again; his mouth set in a grim line. "Jack tried to listen but he doesn't hear what I'm saying. I don't think he can ever understand what I am feeling right now."

"Is there anything I can do? You know I am here if you want to talk, about anything, anything at all."

He shot her a grateful look, eyes softening as they met her concerned gaze. "I know you are, but the only one I need to talk to right now is me, and I can't do that here. I need space, Sam. I need time to think with no deadline hanging over my head. I want to get my hands dirty again, touch history; feel it in my heart once more…" his voice trailed off into the dark night.

Two pairs of blue eyes contemplated the night sky for a moment longer, then, as though an unspoken communication had passed between them, they headed back to the facility together.

***

Sam, Jack and Teal'c sat in the general's office the next morning. Serious faces returned Hammond's equally concerned gaze. The atmosphere in the room was heavy, uncomfortable.

"You are sure that Doctor Jackson's request is valid?"

"General, if we don't let Daniel have some time I think things could get a whole lot worse. And it's not as if he's going somewhere where the NID could grab him. He wants to bury himself in the jungle of all places."

"I have to agree with the colonel, sir," Sam added. "I don't believe Daniel is any danger to himself or anyone else right now. But, with all that has happened these last few months, he needs time to come to terms with what he had been forced to do. I think we all forget he's not military sometimes. He doesn't think the same way the airforce expects us to."

"Daniel Jackson was not born a warrior," Teal'c added.

General Hammond's gaze rested on each of his number one team's serious faces. He knew that SG1 would protect their team mate as best they could, and that he had to heed their warnings. His instinct told him this might not end the way they all hoped, but he had given them his trust time and again - he wouldn't withhold it now.

"Very well. If Doctor Fraiser clears him, I'll grant his request. Dismissed."

The trio filed out quietly, as though a part of them was already missing.

***

Saturday came around; Daniel had already left the facility and was on a plane to Central America as SG1 returned from their mission. Each one of them had, at some point during their mission, turned to talk to Daniel, expecting him to be right beside them. Each now carried his image like a ghost at their side, feeling somehow lessened by his absence.

Janet, doing the post mission checks, noted their lethargy with concern. It was almost as though they were in mourning. Maybe if she had been witness to the final meetings between the group she would have understood better.

Daniel had been searching through his room. He knew that somewhere in this organised chaos lay the small box of instruments that his parents had bequeathed to him. The fine brushes and delicate probes had travelled to every dig that he had participated in. To go now without them would be wrong. He didn't really think of them as a talisman, more a link to his past life, a life he wanted back.

"Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's voice startled him.

"Hey, Teal'c."

"I believe it is an Earth custom to bring a gift to someone who is travelling far." One giant hand held out a small highly polished and intricately carved stone.

Daniel took it carefully, letting his fingers skim over the delicate design. "Ah, no. Actually it's me that's supposed to bring you something back."

Teal'c watched the archaeologist intently for a moment, forcing more words from him. "Thank you, for this. I haven't seen anything like it before. The carving looks almost Egyptian, what are the symbols meant to represent?"

"I do not know. My father gave it to me when I was chosen."

Daniel's eyes lifted quickly to the jaffa's serene face. "I can't take this from you, Teal'c. It's too precious a gift."

"I have used it as a guide to peace when anger threatens. Its complicated pattern brings my thoughts back from the wrong path." Unfathomable dark eyes rested intently on Daniel's wide blue. "Perhaps it will guide you as well Daniel Jackson."

Daniel felt his guts tighten as he fought to hold down his emotions. Teal'c cared enough about him to give such a gift? His eyes dropped to the stone, and the impossibly complex design.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

A few minutes after Teal'c had left, Jack joined him. He came bearing coffee, an excuse to visit one more time before Daniel left the mountain.

"You packed yet?"

"Almost," Daniel replied, eyes scanning the shelves, searching for the small box.

"Janet finished with you then?"

Spotting it buried under a pile of books, Daniel's answer was muffled as he removed the box from its hiding place.

"Right. So, you're packed then."

"Yes, Jack, I'm packed. Was there something else you needed to know?"

Jack's hand fiddled with a stone-handled dagger that lay on top of a pile of notes, turning it round with his fingers.

"Ah, Jack, that blade is tipped with poison, you might want to put it down."

"Damn. Why don't you label these things!"

"I do." Daniel picked up the artefact, turning it over so that the handle revealed a red sticker.

Silence lay between them. Finally Jack cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Daniel, you coming back?"

Daniel's eyes drifted away from contemplation of the dagger, and for a moment he couldn't answer.

"I don't know," he said softly.

Sam caught up with him in the elevator as he left that night. Her tight hug and whispered, 'take care of yourself' had in some ways been the hardest meeting of the day, though it had been the briefest. He had a feeling that the SGC thought him lost already. He slung his pack into the back of his car, checked his rear view mirror for one last look at the facility, then put his foot to the floor and gunned the vehicle out of the car park.