AN: Man, it was hard trying to find the right song. I have a ton of them written down that work really well, but I only found two that fit the situation as well as the people right now. I decided upon "Hole in My Soul" by Aerosmith. I think I have an Ed song coming soon for those who wanted one. ^_^ This whole song takes place during ep 20, "Pierrot Le Fou". It's mostly just bits and pieces of what's going through Spike's head during the ep.

Warning: The language gets really nasty further down, so if you're offended by anything stronger than "damn" I suggest not reading this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop or "Hole in My Soul", which belongs to Aerosmith. *Points* There's the door you evil lawyers, don't let it hit you in the butt on the way out.

*
I'm down a one-way street
With a one night stand
With a one track mind
Out in no man's land
The punishment sometimes don't seem to fit the crime
*

Nine ball in the corner pocket…

Voila. I win. My opponent nodded in concession and walked away. I saluted him with my whiskey on the rocks.

I need a stronger drink.

My plan was to wander around Mars and get dead drunk, then go back to the Bebop, piss Faye off and then hope that everything will be the way it was a month ago when I wake up.

I finished the rest of my drink and left the café. Outside, I lit my cigarette and breathed in deeply.

She loves me.

What do you say to something like that? She knows that I still love Julia, she knows that "love" has never really been one of my favourite words, yet she said it to me anyway. It's been a few days since she said it, and I haven't really spoken to her since. She's been treading eggshells around me, I can tell. Faye seems like she's scared that she'll do or say something that will push me away forever.

She probably would… It seems that I'm just looking for an excuse to run away.

*
Yeah, there's a hole in my soul
But the one thing I learned
For every love letter written
There's another one burned
So you tell me, how it's gonna be, this time…
Is it over? Is it over, 'cause I'm blowing out the flame
*

What the hell?

I stopped at the end of the alley and blinked. Just down the street, there were bodies. Dead. All of them.

One man was standing. He was large and round. I waited, hoping he wouldn't notice me and move on.

"Hello, boy."

I gasped and rolled forward, behind some trash cans, drawing my gun. Fuck, I can't afford to get into a fire-fight now. I'm tired, I've been drinking, and this guy just killed a whole bunch of very heavily armed men.

I'm dead.

Shit, what am I gonna do? I fired at him and ran, but he caught up with me and dropped kicked me into the air. After kicking me around some more, he finally let me hit the ground, which hurt like hell. Now, I'm staring down the barrel of a very long gun that looks like a cane.

Am I going to die?

Is this it? Is this the one that I'm not coming back from?

You're not getting out of this one, Spike.

What is this pit in my stomach? I'm not scared of dying still, am I? It's just a dream anyway, so why am I scared?

"I love you, Spike…"

Shit, Faye.

I don't want to die. Please God, don't let me die…

*
Take a walk outside your mind
Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns the knife inside of me
Take a look and you will find
There's nothing there girl, yeah I swear
*

"There he is, the rumoured mummy."

Ouch. Pain, all over. Gimme my orange back, Faye.

"So, I heard you got beaten up by some weird guy?"

Yeah, yeah, I almost died, and it's your fault, now gimme the damned orange.

"I recall you were sleeping like this once before…"

Yes, and you were worried about me. Now gimme the damn orange, I'm hungry.

"You really haven't shown any improvement…"

Yare, yare. I guess this means you have no taste in men then too? No! Don't peel it! It's MINE!

"Oh well, it doesn't have anything to do with me."

Yes it does, it was all your fault I went out drinking, if you hadn't have said that to me- NO! My orange…

"Don't you end up in situations like that because you never behave?"

Like you do… You ate my orange.

"Well, I have nothing to do with it."

My orange.

"So, since I have nothing to do with it, if you'll excuse me…"

That was my orange, wench.

"Take care."

If I could just sit up without passing out from the pain, I'd kill you, woman.

She walked out of the room, leaving the orange peel on my head.

I really hate her sometimes… To think, she was the reason I didn't want to die. Silly me.

*
I'm telling you girl, yeah, cause there's a
Hole in my soul
That's been killing me forever
It's a place, where the garden never grows
There's a hole in my soul
Yeah I should have known better
That your love's like a thorn without a rose, yeah, yeah…
*

"Hello boy, I'll invite you to a wonderful party… Wait, this is- Listen, Ed, keep the fact that this mail came a secret from Spike, okay?"

"Secret? Why? Why secret?"

"If we don't that idiot-"

"Will run out and meet him?" I finished for her. She gasped and looked at me out of the corner of her eye. I raised an eyebrow and smiled at her. Faye moved as Ed walked around her, and leaned against the wall, puffing on her cigarette.

"It's a secret, secret mail!" Ed said cheerfully, pointing to the computer on her head. I leaned forward and read it.

"Space Land? Pretty considerate for him to hold the party there…" I said.

"Are you going like that?" Faye asked quietly, gesturing toward my bandages. "It would be perfect if the party was a masquerade."

I stared at my hand. Do I want to go? Maybe he'll really kill me this time. If I don't go, he'll probably just hunt me down though.

"Maybe this one really will be the end of me," I murmured quietly to myself. I saw Faye stiffen out of the corner of my eye and spoke a little louder. "Just kidding," I said, and smiled at her. "Would you come rescue me if I said that?" I asked. I could see fear in her emerald eyes. She didn't want me to go. Finally she just turned her head from me and took another puff of her cigarette.

"Idiot," Faye muttered.

"Idiot! Idiot; idiot!" Ed echoed, laughing.

*
I'm as dry as a seven-year drought
I've got dust for tears and I'm all tapped out
Sometimes I feel broke, can't get fixed
I know there's been all kinds of shoes underneath your bed
I sleep with my boots on, but you're still in my head
This time I feel like I'm down to my last licks
Is it over? Is it over, 'cause it's driving me insane
*

I don't want to think about what happened with Faye. I need to go off and do something dangerous to get my mind away from reality…

Reality. Is that what this is? I never liked to believe that it was reality. It's a dream. I'm watching a dream, right? Why does my life suddenly become complex again, after all these years? Julia left me. That's it. She's gone. Why can't I seem to get over that? I guess I don't want her to be gone. To admit that she's gone would be to admit that this isn't a dream, that it really is reality… but if I admit it's reality, I have to admit that Faye loves me, and that I… Heh… That I go out of my way to piss her off.

I landed the Swordfish outside of Space Land. This place… It's still around? I remember when they had first built it, when I was a kid. I jumped out of the ship and winced, holding my ribs. I'm in a lot of fucking pain. Why do I do this to myself? I get my ass kicked, then I have to go find something to screw me up mentally and emotionally, then I have to push them all together so that I'm screwed up on the outside and the inside at the same time.

I seem to have a knack for fucking my life up.

*
Take a walk outside your mind
Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns the knife inside of me
Take a look and you will find
There's nothing there girl, yeah I swear
*

"Hello! Welcome!"

Lights blared into my eyes. I shielded them with my arm and looked up at my host.

"Yo…" I replied. He laughed loudly.

"Let's party!" he cried, and waved his hands. Around me, the theme park came to life, fireworks, lights and the rides all turned on. How the bloody hell did he do that? Is there someone else here? I thought he was alone? Shit, maybe I really won't come back from this one. I took a few steps back, I definitely wasn't expecting this.

He began shooting at me with his cane/gun. I ducked and drew my gun, firing back at him and retreating into the park. I found a door and opened it.

I slammed it shut and took a few breaths. It hurt to breathe, but he'd catch me if I stopped.

"You're not allowed in here," a small hologram said, appearing in front of me. Go away you stupid computer image.

I moved forward. It was a ride of some sort. The hologram kept following me, telling me how dangerous it was to be in here and that we should play somewhere else. Yeah, right. I heard a loud noise, spun around, and hit the ground as a large… penguin… flew over my head. A penguin…

More penguins followed, with the madman on one of them, trying to hit me. I ducked and dodged and have probably ripped open a few wounds, cos my chest hurts like hell right now. I ran toward the exit, hearing gunshots behind me. Whatever it is, it's a damn big gun. I flew forward as the building behind me exploded.

I wish he'd just die.

*
I'm telling you girl yeah cause there's a
Hole in my soul
That's been killing me forever
It's a place, where the garden never grows
There's a hole in my soul
Yeah I should have known better
That your love's like a thorn without a rose, yeah, yeah…
*

I ran into the shop area, and put my back to a pillar. I'm breathing pretty heavily. My chest is killing me. God, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, it hurts to be alive.

Heh. How prophetic does that sound? It hurts to be alive. Hell yeah it does. I cocked the gun and peered around the corner. Is that him up there? I can hear him laughing but I can't see the bastard.

It's quiet. Too quiet. I don't like quiet. Quiet makes me think about things I don't want to think about… like Faye… or Julia. Can you believe it? I don't want to think about Julia. That's a new one. It's been hurting lately to think about Julia. My chest… It gets this empty feeling.

God, where is that idiot? I really don't want to start thinking about this right now. I walked carefully around the pillar and fired at the round silhouette. Shit, it wasn't him. I turned and saw him bounce down the hallway, laughing maniacally. I fired at him, but the bullets just bounced off. I don't even see why I bother. What the hell? He isn't shooting back? What's he up to?

"Hello!"

Ack!

I shot at the voice, and turned to find it was a giant robotic dog. An amusement park, why did it have to be an amusement park? I turned away and started to jog down the hall only to have the dog blow up behind me.

I flew forward and hit something. What the hell is it?

A roller coaster. Shit. It's moving too. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit… Where the fuck is he?

I stood up carefully and looked around. There he is! Coming the other way. He flicked his arm forward and I felt something catch me around the neck and pull me forward, out of the roller coaster seat.

Ow.

He's coming back.

I fired at him and got a grenade thrown at me for my efforts.

God hates me.

*
Is it over, yeah it's over, 'cause I'm going out, I'm free!
Take a walk outside your mind
Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns the knife inside of me
Take a look and you will find
There's nothing there girl, yeah I swear
*

Freezing cold. The water is cold. Very cold.

I gasped, and swallowed a large mouthful of sea-water. Bleck. My arms hurt too much to swim, I'll just have to hope I still float.

My head broke from the water and breathed in deeply and coughed. I found that I was near the edge of the water so I pulled myself out. Bullets suddenly began to rain around me. I looked around and saw the madman sitting on top of a wall, opposite of me, laughing and shooting. Bloody hell.

"It's show time!"

What the hell are those? Missiles?!

I began to run, and shoot back at him. No matter how futile it seems to be; since bullets appear to bounce off of him. Suddenly, a loud explosion rocked the ground around me and I spun around to see my opponent firing at a small mono-flyer…

Faye?

"That really wasn't necessary," I muttered, running toward the place that she was playing hide-and-seek with him. He fired back at her with his missiles and just missed, hitting a giant pig instead.

Stupid woman. Sure, I teased about dying, and asked if she'd come rescue me, but I didn't want her to actually COME.

The pig's head fell off, almost on top of me; some of the other debris hit her mono-flyer and she fell from the sky.

Oh shit, I'll never forgive myself if she gets killed.

*
I'm telling you girl yeah cause there's a
Hole in my soul
That's been killing me forever
It's a place, where the garden never grows
There's a hole in my soul
Yeah I should have known better
That your love's like a thorn without a rose, yeah, yeah…
*

There he is.

We stared at each other, neither one of us moving a muscle. The parade was coming closer. I moved slowly to get the knife I had tucked in the back of my pants. I could tell he was about to fire, any second. I reached for the knife and the light passed by me, just as he pulled the trigger. He hesitated for a second, long enough for me to jump and throw the knife at him. I caught him in the leg with the knife, he caught me in the shoulder with the bullet.

I could feel it tearing through my skin, ripping through the muscle in my shoulder, breaking a few things on its way through and then exiting again as I hit the ground. God, it hurts. Everything just seemed to stop for a moment, and then my opponent fell to the ground crying in pain. He's like a child screaming when they skin their knee. It's strange to see a man, in his forties at least, crying like a baby. The parade is getting closer… if he doesn't move he's gonna get killed.

"Mommy, it hurts!" he screamed, over and over, the same thing. For some reason I can't really do anything but sit here and watch him.

He's dead… I wonder if it hurt?

…I'm morbid.

*beep, beep*

I looked down and pulled my comm-unit out of my pocket.

"Spike, we know what he is-"

"It's okay. I don't need it now…" I replied, and turned it off, shoving it back in my pocket. I stood up slowly and clutched my shoulder. It was bleeding pretty badly. I looked over at where Faye had crashed and saw her climbing out of the mono-flyer. I stumbled toward her. I'm so tired.

She came toward me, huffing and puffing. She's so cute when she's pissed.

"Spike! You stupid idiot!" she shouted at me as she approached. I stood still. The world seemed to turn in circles if I moved, so I think staying still might be a bit better. My shoulder doesn't hurt so much anymore. As a matter of fact, nothing really hurts that much anymore. I looked at Faye. She seemed so far away from me, I couldn't really hear anything she was saying.

I'm cold.

"You talk too much," I muttered to her as the world started getting darker.

I wonder if this is what it's like to die?

What if I do die? If I died right now, I'd die in Faye's arms…

I think I could die happy like that…

If Faye were there…

*
Maybe I'm in love, in love, in love,
Maybe I'm in love…
Maybe I'm in love, in love, in love,
Maybe I'm in love…
Maybe I'm in love, in love, in love,
Maybe I'm in love…
Maybe I'm in love, in love, oooh,
Maybe I'm in love…
Maybe I'm in love…