[Warnings:  shounen ai & swearing.]

~*~

The Ferndale Carnival was packed.

Getting in wasn't terribly difficult, since it was already almost noon and most carnival goers had paid in the morning, but once they stepped past the turnstile, they were confronted with a literal flood of humanity.  It shifted and swam before them like the passing of tides, moving with a chaotic rhythm all its own, and the seven friends found themselves pausing on its edge for a very long time, reluctant to step into it.  There was a murmur, too, that seemed to come from all around them, the muted roar of a thousand voices all speaking at once.  Every now and then, a snatch of conversation--a child, whining to go on a ride in a high voice; an older man, mumbling about trying to find his cigarettes; a group of young girls, gushing about the carnival fortune teller--would drift to them, and the faceless, voiceless sea would become just a group of people again. 

"Miaka," said Taka after a moment, having just finished counting out his change and returning it to his wallet, "it wasn't this crowded when you and your family were here last year, was--"  He broke off, eyes going wide in shock.  "Where did you get that?!"

Miaka blinked, one hand flying behind her back so quickly that she seemed almost not to move at all.  "What?" 

"Ah..."  Ryuuen lifted a finger, stepping forward so as to stand next to the girl.  "I think he means that creamsicle behind your back, Miaka."

Already lapsing into a pout, she brought the hand back to the front, spent a moment licking off the ice cream that had been sliding down towards her hand.  "It's mine," she said, the pout deepening, glancing between Taka and Ryuuen as if afraid they were going to lunge for it.  "Somebody gave it to me.  You can't take it away, 'cause it's mine!!"

Ryuuen raised an eyebrow. "My...precioussss?"

"It was a vendor," Houjun said calmly, drawing the stares of his friends.  "He came through with a cart of ice cream a minute ago, and Miaka bought some."

Genrou snorted.  "No duh."

Houjun, who had been standing at the very back of the group for the last few moments, moved forward to let another group of carnival-goers pass, and ended up standing shoulder to shoulder with Genrou.  "No duh?" he echoed, lifting an eyebrow.

Genrou nodded.  "Yeah.  No duh.  Like...no fucking kidding."  

"Anyway," Taka said, watching with some amusement as a speculative frown came to Houjun's face, "we should figure out what we're doing before we get lost in there.  Miaka, is there a picnic table or a..."  He trailed off, realizing with a start that the girl was now eating a corndog, and had the sticky remains of the creamsicle dangling from her fingers.  He sighed, bringing a hand to his forehead.  "Houjun," he amended wearily, "is there a picnic table or a place we could sit down around here anywhere?"

Houjun nodded, tugging the map out from the back pocket of his khakis, and spent a moment glancing over it.  "There should be some tables right over there."  He lifted an arm, pointed over Genrou's head and to the far right.  "They should be right along the fence."

"Okay."  Taka gave a brief, thankful nod, then glanced over his friends for a moment.  "Sai," he said at last, "you're the tallest.  Want to lead the way?"

"I suppose I could..."

"Okay, then, let's go.  Stick close to Sai, everybody...and if you see any more vendors, keep them away from Miaka."

"No duh," said Houjun.

~*~

"All right, then," Taka concluded, flattening his palms against the dusty tabletop, "so, we meet back here at four thirty.  Does everybody have a watch?"  His eyes flickered around the table at his friends, found Miaka shoveling bites of frozen yogurt into her mouth, Ryuuen and Sai leaning against each other, Houjun skimming over the map, and Genrou and Kouji--

"Hey!!"  Taka glared at the two, dark tufts of hair falling down into his eyes and giving the expression an extra degree of menace.  "That," he continued angrily, jabbing a finger at the "Taka Sux" that had been carved into the table, "is vandalism."  His hands flew upwards.  "I'm not paying for it."

Genrou regarded him innocently.  "What the fuck're you talkin' about, Taka?"

"Yeah," Kouji chimed, "that was fuckin' there when we got here."

"Is it our fault if somebody else thinks you suck?"

A low growl began to work its way from Taka's throat.

"Maaaaaybe now would be a good time to go our separate ways," Ryuuen announced, rising to his feet with a tight smile.  "See you guys later!"

Miaka dropped her frozen yogurt back onto the table with a loud clunk, twisting in her seat to stare at him.  "Ryuu-channnnnn," she said, pouting again, "you have to wait for me and Taka.  You said you'd ride the bumper cars with meeeee.  Right?  Rightrightright?"

Ryuuen smiled.  Sai had been dragged to his feet when his boyfriend leaped up, and so the two of them stood together just beside the table, hands clasped and shoulders pressed together.  "Okay," he said, the smile softening.  "But you do know that you're gonna have to stop eating for long enough to get into the bumper cars, right?  Because I don't think they'll let you eat while you're riding."

"Awww, really?"

Ryuuen nodded, sweeping his long violet hair back over his shoulders.  "I'm afraid so."

"Aw.  That's a dumb rule."

"Yeah, well, anyway..."  Genrou sat back with a grunt, swung his legs over the bench of the picnic table, and stood up.  Kouji followed, tucking his pocket knife back into his jeans as he moved, and a moment later, the two were standing side by side, doing their joined best to look bored.  "Kouji 'n me're gonna go see if there're any good rides this year."

Kouji rolled his eyes.  "Not fuckin' likely."

"So, ya comin', Houjun?  Or are ya gonna stick around with these freaks for a little while?"

"Ah..."  Houjun glanced between his friends, a slight frown tugging at his lips.  "I..."

"Ahhhhhh, looklooklook!"

Startled, the six turned to stare at Miaka, who was currently bouncing up and down in her seat, pointing wildly. 

"Aw, come on," Genrou growled.  "If it's even another fuckin' ice cream vendor..."

"No!" Miaka exclaimed frantically, still pointing. "Looklook!  It's Juan and Shouka and Doukun!!  JUUUUUAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!" she called loudly, waving her arms over her head.  "JUUUUAAAN!!"

The rest of them turned...and sure enough, there, just on the edge of the human sea and looking a little lost, was the Myo family, the youngest member perched on his father's thick shoulders.  At the sound of Miaka's voice, the three paused and turned, and were nearly run down by the flood as a result.  Seconds later, however, they had broken free of the swarm of bodies and were moving with smiles towards the picnic table, Juan in the lead and Shouka trailing just behind.

By the time they reached the table, Miaka had leaped up from her seat and was running towards them; Shouka was nearly toppled by the girl's enthusiastic greeting.  "Aww, I'm so glad you guys are here!" Miaka gushed, pulling back from the startled-looking woman to give Juan a quick hug.  "It's so great to see you!  And, ahhh, now we're all together!!"

Juan gave a good-natured, albeit slightly-afraid, smile.  "It's good to see you, too, Miaka.  Taka."  He nodded to the others.  "Everyone."

Miaka, meanwhile, had taken a short step back and was gazing up at the child perched on Juan's shoulders, a grin spreading across her face.  "Awww, Doukun's so cute!  How old is he now?"

"Five and a half," Shouka replied with a smile.  Her honey-colored hair was tugged back into a high ponytail, and from the damp splotches spotting her white tanktop, it was a good bet that the three had recently come from the swimming area.  "But, honestly, sometimes I think he's five going on thirty.  Yesterday he used a word Juan and I had to look up in the dictionary to understand, and..."  She gave a smiling sigh, bringing a hand to her forehead.  "Anyway. We all needed a break, so here we are.  We've been here since nine--Doukun went on some kiddie rides, Juan gave a free medical consultation to some woman we met at the waterslide, and now we're heading over to the concession stands to get some drinks."

Juan nodded solemnly.  "It's been a busy day."

"Yes," Shouka agreed with a smile.  "So, how long have you been here?  Very long?"

Miaka waved a hand, moving back to the table and sitting down; the three followed, Juan and Shouka lowering themselves into the seats Genrou and Kouji had recently abandoned, while Doukun was thunked down onto the tabletop, where he sat quietly as the conversation continued. 

"No, we just got here," she explained, smiling so widely that every tooth showed.  "But, it's so great that we ran into you guys!  I mean, with all these people here, what're the chances?"

"It must be fate," Saihitei offered quietly. 

"Yeah," Miaka said, sounding considerably more subdued.  "Must be..."
---

Ryuuen shifted his weight onto the other foot as the conversation continued, pleased to see their friends but also anxious to get away from them.  Because...

He closed his eyes for a moment, thankful that all attentions were focused elsewhere, and brought his right hand to the center of his chest, rubbed at it a little.  It didn't...hurt, exactly, he thought, struggling to be rational even though every bone in his body begged for him to stop being stupid and just tell them, tell them for God's sake and go to the hospital... 

But, it didn't hurt, it really didn't.  It was more of an...uncomfortable pressure, as if someone were pressing against his chest a little harder than they should.  It had started as a very dull, aching touch a few minutes ago, now was a little stronger, and despite everything within him that insisted that this was not the same, that this was nothing to be alarmed about, all he could think about was what Saihitei had said yesterday.

Saihitei's first boyfriend.  He just...died.  Just died.  Because he didn't tell anybody.  Maybe he was hurting.  And maybe he thought it was dumb, to say something when it felt like nothing.  Or maybe he was afraid, that he would have to go to the hospital and be alone and cold and...maybe. 

I could...just die, couldn't I?  Right now.  Right now, I could just...die.

He stood there in silence for awhile longer, thinking about that--thinking about what it would be like to die, how it would feel.  Would it hurt?  That was what people always asked about death, wasn't it?  Did it hurt?  Was it hard?  What happened afterwards?  Reunion with long-dead friends and family?  Eternal paradise?  Eternal damnation?  Darkness?  Nothingness?  Or, something more subtle?  Existence as a ghost, able to walk freely among still-living loved ones?  Reincarnation into a new body, a new life as a new person? 

If I was somebody else...would I know I loved you, Sai?

As if somehow sensing the course of his thoughts, Saihitei turned towards him then, and their eyes met.  They were such...beautiful eyes, he found himself thinking a little wistfully.  Gold, but specked with brown, and with a hint of green playing in the irises.  But...there was so much more in those eyes than just color, so much more than just that visible beauty.  The person he loved existed in those eyes, more than just the touch of a hand or the warmth of an arm around his shoulders--more than just a body or just a beautiful face above his own.

You're so much more, Sai. 

What would it do to you, if what happened to him happened to me?  What would it do to you if I just...just...

"Sai."  He'd spoken before his brain had caught up with his vocal chords; the fingers clinging to his own tensed slightly, and the beautiful golden eyes above him narrowed slightly, the eyebrows above them dipping downwards in concern.

"What is it?" Sai asked softly, careful to keep his voice low enough so their friends wouldn't hear.  His eyes flickered downwards for a moment, widened as he saw the smaller man's arm, clasped to the center of his chest, the fist rubbing absently at the area.  "Ryuuen, are you all right?  Is it...is it happening again?"

There was such...anguish in his eyes.

He worries about me so much.  I hate to do this to him.  I hate to have to hurt him.  He deserves better than this.  He deserves better than to have to deal with having two boyfriends with problems like this.

God, it must be killing him.  Why him?  It isn't fair.  He's so kind and so warm and so loving--he's the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.  What did he do to deserve this?  What did he do to deserve me?  It doesn't seem fair.

Very consciously, he lifted the arm from his chest, returned it to his side.  "No, it's nothing," he insisted, managing a small smile.  "I...I thought for a second...but, no.  I'm all right."

He can hear how hollow that is, can't he?  He can hear how fake and...Sai, I'm lying.  I'm lying, don't believe me.  Please. 

Sai's eyes narrowed a bit.  "Are you sure?  If you aren't feeling well, we can leave."

"No, I'm...I'm okay.  Really. I just felt a little weird there for a second, but..."  The smile felt so sickeningly-false, but he wore it anyway, even as everything rational within him screamed.  "I'm okay, now.  Sorry.  I didn't mean to worry you."

Sai's expression remained solemn for a moment longer, his larger fingers sliding more fully over Ryuuen's smaller ones, gripping them tightly.  "It's all right.  Are you sure you're okay?"

No.  No, I'm not sure.  It feels like someone's pressing down on my chest and my stomach is churning and I feel kind of strange, like you feel when you go limp in a swimming pool, and your legs and arms are just floating...

"Yeah," he said, "I'm sure."

"You're lying," came a soft, accusing voice from in front of him.

Startled, Ryuuen turned away from Sai, found Doukun sitting there on the edge of the picnic table, gazing at him levelly.  The boy was dressed in a red T-shirt and blue swimming trunks, his slightly-pinkish brown hair sheared into a bowl cut that somehow made him look even younger than he was.  Despite his appearance, however, there was no mistaking the intelligence in his eyes, or the very adult solemnity that had crept into his cherubish features. 

At this outburst, the others' conversation stopped, and all eyes turned to the child.

Juan cleared his throat, a deep rumble like thunder against the silence, and rested his hands on the boy's shoulders.  "Who's lying, Doukun?"

But, there was little doubt as to who he was referring to.  The child's eyes stayed firmly on Ryuuen, even as his father spoke to him; Ryuuen, likewise, was frozen into place by the boy's stare, the blind panic churning within him and battling even the pressure in his chest.

"He's lying," Doukun said after a moment, his high child's voice sounding odd beneath the adult sentiments.  "He said he's okay.  He said it didn't hurt.  But it does. His face showed me.  It hurts."  The wide green eyes narrowed.  "Doesn't it?"

And, just like that, all eyes were on him.

"Ryuuen?" said Juan slowly, tentatively, studying him.  "Are you in pain?" 

His heart was suddenly pounding in his ears; he bit down on his lower lip, struggled to come up with an answer that might convince them that he was all right, that it was nothing to be concerned about--no reason to stop all they were doing and focus on him like this...

Noticing his hesitation, the tall man rose to his feet, circled the table, and halted just before the eighteen-year-old.  "Don't be afraid to tell us, if you are," Juan said quietly.  "I know that it's frightening, and that it's easier to ignore things and pretend that they're not happening, but in the long run..."  His voice grew very soft, very gentle.  "Would you rather we blame ourselves later, for not having noticed that you needed help?"

He glanced around him, the heavy darkness of guilt in his stomach, noticing that Miaka had stopped eating, Kouji and Genrou were solemn and silent, and Saihitei...Saihitei...

With a quiet sob, he flung himself into his boyfriend's embrace, pressing his cheek to the man's warm, broad chest and closing his eyes.  "I'm sorry," he whimpered, holding onto Sai almost as tightly as Sai was now holding onto him.  "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I-I didn't want to worry you a-and it seemed like nothing but I kept thinking about him, and..."  The tears came, then, streaming down his cheeks in a wash of salt and anguish, and his next words were barely a whisper.  "I'm sorry it's not fair I'm sorry."

Strong hands rubbed at his back, warm arms held him close.  "Shh," Saihitei soothed, his voice wavering as he spoke.  "I know.  I know."

Genrou's voice came, then, shaky and low.  "Is he okay?  He's okay, right?"

~*~

*Author's Notes:  Phew.  *collapses*  As those who have glimpsed my directory page know, I have recently gotten a job for myself. o.O;;  Thus, I haven't had much time at all for writing fanfiction, although I HAVE worked more on The Last Wish, Even Geniuses Get the Blues, Stand By Me, and at least four new fics that I'm waiting until I get further into to post. ^^;;;  But!  Anyway.  Breathing is one of my favorite fics to write, so hopefully I'll be able to devote some more time to continuing this A.S.A.P.  But if not...well, I'm sure you'll survive, somehow. ^_~.  Until then, though, feel free to leave a review with your comments.  They are my fuel. ^__^.  ~Ryuen