In spite of what happened last night, Viole is being a very good soldier about all this. She's keeping her focus- or at least it looks like she is. Maybe she's really inwardly distracted... Like me...
It's very hard to tell just what I'm feeling right now. It seems there are at least a thousand different emotions within me, ranging from excitement to pure terror, and they're all fighting for control. I'd like to feel happy- I'd like to feel like I'm truly in love with him. After all, what we're doing is very secret, and rather- I smile- dangerous, in a fun sort of way. But still, it's rather frightening as well. What if we're discovered? What if- worse still- he's only taking advantage of my feelings? What if he intends on hurting me? Not to mention that Dilandau's not the most stable-minded person on Gaea. This might be some kind of maniacal outburst, the result of a desperate search for release.
Once again, in spite of everything, I'm beginning to feel sorry for him.
Is this my destiny? I ask myself, To be a whore for some love-deprived lunatic? Now I'm angry with myself for letting this happen. I try to channel that anger into my work.
What would Father say?
That thought nearly knocks me out of focus. Father... I haven't written to him in a long time. I don't know when I'll get a chance, though... We're so busy lately.
I start to clear my mind of all these thoughts. Get over it, Cherandle, I tell myself, A battle's coming and you'll need to be ready. Don't think. Just train.
*
I hear myself sigh as I re-enter the world of the waking. I feel rested- more rested than I've felt for a long time. It's because of this that my mind is clouded as I awaken- I assume, of course, that I'm in my bunk at the barracks.
Until I'm conscious enough to recognize that I'm not wearing anything.
Oh... Right.
I shift position slightly. I'm alone in the bed; I can tell without opening my eyes. Where'd he go?
I open my eyes in time to see Dilandau, dressed in his entire uniform, sit down in a chair by the table in the middle of the room and reach for a glass. He notices me and looks away, staring straight ahead.
"You're awake," he notes, filling the glass with wine, "Get dressed, go back to the barracks."
I blink as I sit up. This behavior seems strange- even for Dilandau. "Um, what...?" I ask, and don't get any further. I'm not quite sure what I'm asking.
"It's late," Dilandau says, still refusing to look at me, "No one will see you."
I get out of bed and stand up slowly. Then I begin to dress- quickly. And I've just put an arm through one sleeve of the top when a thought strikes me.
Dilandau looks tired. Not physically tired- his body, in fact, is being held quite straight in his chair. But his face, his eyes, are reflecting a tiredness. One that goes straight down to the bone... to the soul.
I slip my right arm into the sleeve of my uniform and stand there wearing the nearly complete uniform, staring at Dilandau, who in turn continues to stare straight ahead.
Thus far, I have felt angry at Lord Dilandau. I have felt frightened of him. I have felt sorry for him.
Now, for the first time, I feel close to him. Even with his eyes staring coldly away from me, for the first time I feel as if I want to be close to him. As a lover. A friend. I want to ask- he looks angry. It almost stops me... But... I speak, and my voice is soft, so soft I'm not sure if he will hear:
"Lord Dilandau... Aren't you tired?"
There is a silence, one that weighs heavily on my shoulders. He doesn't look any more angry than he did before I asked... Is he even going to respond at all?
I get my answer. "I don't sleep," Dilandau says flatly. His voice then becomes sharp, "Go away." His eyes finally flicker over to me, before traveling back to their previous state, "That's an order."
"Yes, sir," I say in an even quieter tone than before. I hastily finish dressing and leave, slipping as silently through the darkened halls of the Vione as I can. It is late at night. I can see the moons in the sky through one of the Fortress' vast windows. Hardly any soldiers roam the halls. The place is very quiet.
I find my mind dwelling on Dilandau. His eyes changed when I asked him if he was tired... They seemed sad. Almost helpless...
Or maybe it was just a trick of the light.
*
For the last few days, mid-day break has been something of a relief. We were told that last night, a doppleganger was sent out to intercept a hypnotist who was to interrogate Migel. Also, it would appear that Dilandau is not particularly fond of dopplegangers, and he's again taking his anger out on us. I don't think I need to add the fact that several of us have gotten struck in the past few days for not following orders adequately, or for whatever other reason Dilandau could think up for wanting to hit someone.
I'm lagging a bit, walking in the back of the group, and suddenly I notice Gatti turn his head a bit as if he's looking at me out of the corner of his eye. He then nods to Kestrel, whom he's walking next to, and who it seems he was talking to just now, breaks away from the group, and goes to the banister that acts as a border between the walkway and the large gap that separates us from the other walkway. The rest of them keep walking.
Well, this is certainly strange, I think, watching Gatti lean forwards against the banister. I've been sensing a certain tension recently... I figured it was all caused by Migel's capture and Dilandau's anger. But maybe there was something else...
No, I think. No way. They couldn't know... Could they? I look away from Gatti, face straight ahead, and quicken my pace. My mind is making the irrational assumption that if I can get past him without looking at him, I'll be in the clear.
"Cherandle, we have to talk about something," I hear Gatti say, and I stop walking. Idiot!, I scold myself.
"Um, we do?" I ask, playing dumb. There's still the slightest chance that my worst fears won't be realized...
"Yes." He replies, and there is a pause. "It's just..." More silence. Then, finally: "Dammit, Cherandle," he turns to face me, "We're not stupid, you know."
"What?" I ask, startled by the severity of his words.
"You know what I'm talking about," Gatti continues angrily, "Your disappearances at night, giving no explanation of where you've been. Dilandau's never lain a hand on you. Ever." the truth of this last fact hits me like a ton of bricks. I hadn't even realized it myself. "What's up, Cherandle?"
I'm feeling shocked and scared for a moment, but before I can turn defensive, Gatti continues, "I mean, how long did you think it was going to take us to figure out?"
I play the meek little girl. "Are you going to tell Lord Folken?"
Gatti blinks a few times.
"I don't know," he finally says.
I take a few steps past him and go to lean against the banister myself, "Why is this upsetting you so much?"
"You think it isn't obvious?" He's looking at me now, and I'm looking down into the gap. Gatti gently touches my arm, "Cherandle I... I just don't want you to get into a situation where you could get hurt."
"Seems like I'm the only one who isn't getting hurt," I say, glancing at him.
"This isn't a laughing matter, Cherandle."
"Sorry."
Gatti's tone becomes almost incredulous, "Cherandle..." He begins to whisper fiercely, "Someday... He's going to do something to you, I don't know what, but you're either going to be terribly upset or hurt... Or both... And I don't know what I'd do with myself if I just stood by and let something like that happen." He pauses, and rests his hand on my arm again, "...Especially since I was the one who carried you out of the cave in the first place."
Uh-oh. I know that touch. Don't tell me Gatti... Oh, man...
"I'm very grateful to you for that... But Gatti," I say, turning to him again, "Do you honestly think that even if I didn't return his feelings, I could just walk away from him?" I smile, and almost laugh, "I mean... He's Dilandau. "
Gatti doesn't seem to have an answer for that.
"See you at lunch," I say, patting his hand and walking off down the corridor.
*
Lunch is a nervous occasion. For me, at least. Everyone seems to be talking and eating as usual, but I can feel the tension surrounding all of us, especially me. The air is thick with it.
When people start getting up, I don't. I feel even more detached from the group than before.
Soon, the only one left is Viole. We sit in silence for a long moment.
Finally, she speaks, "You wanna talk about it?"
"We'll be late," I say, and start to stand up.
"Yeah. I guess so..." Viole stands up as well. "Well, y'know..." she adds, and doesn't seem to have anywhere to go with that. She leaves. I look down at the table. I'm about to follow everyone when-
"So, Cherandle."
I turn. Malenla, the last person I want to discuss this with, is leaning against the doorframe.
"Yeah?" I ask.
"Is it true?" she asks.
I don't answer; not wanting to lie, not wanting to confirm the truth.
She gets it, and grins widely, "Oh my God!" she exclaims, pointing to the ground and waggling her finger in a circle, "So, uh, you two are really-"
"Look, Malenla," I say, trying my best to be calm but firm, "I really don't want to discuss-"
"No, wait, just hold on and hear me out, cause I've only got one question," she says, holding up a hand to silence me. She pauses. I wait. Finally she asks: "Is he good?"
I stare at her incredulously at the question. But after a short pause, for reasons I can't quite explain, a sound escapes my mouth, a small, quick hard puff of air and sound. And half a second later I'm laughing! And Malenla's laughing too. Malenla! Of all people.
"I knew it, I always knew he would be," she says once we've both calmed down, "Bad boys always are."
"Oh, so you're some huge expert on this?" I ask, and I'm can't believe all of a sudden we're talking like this. Like we're old friends!
"Well, no, not firsthand specifically," she says as we exit the room and begin walking down the hall together, "But I've heard rage can be a great channeling device."
I raise an eyebrow, "So, ah, how come you never went for him yourself?"
Malenla makes a "pfft" noise, "You think I wouldn't if I knew how? I mean what, was I just supposed to follow him to his room and then try to seduce him? You count how many things could go wrong with that and get back to me. But you - I mean, you were the last person I expected to do it. No offense."
"None taken," I say, rolling my eyes.
She leans in close, "What I really wanna know is how did you do it? What was your strategy, huh?"
"Strategy?" I laugh, "Well, uh, no, y'see, there was no strategy. It just sort of... happened."
"Ah. Of course," she grins, "That definitely is the way it goes sometimes." She pats me on the back, "Well, either way, all the more power to you for getting on his good side, eh? Gods knew he had to have one."
I smile back.
*
Dilandau orders us all out of our guymelefs. It's the same routine as when we were first called to find Escaflowne. But something seems different about this situation... A soldier enters the room and salutes to Dilandau's Alseides, just like last time. Dilandau emerges from his guymelef and climbs down, just like last time. But there seems to be a different sort of feeling in the air as we all descend to the floor of the training area and stand at attention.
The thing that is causing the change in atmosphere is most likely the look on Dilandau's face. His features are set in stone. There is a pause before he speaks; icy words that almost seem to make the temperature in the room drop:
"Migel is dead."
*
"Cherandle?"
"Huh?- Oh, Kestrel. Sorry, I'll get off your bed-"
"No, that's all right. I could use someone to talk to."
A pause.
"My whole army career has been so crapped up."
"I wouldn't say that, Cherandle."
"Oh, you wouldn't, would you?" I lean sideways against one of the posts which holds the bunks together. I sigh. "Poor Migel... Kind of makes you wonder how long the rest of us have."
Kestrel smiles, "I think I know how you feel... I mean, it was pretty hard for me, having a father in the army and all... Never knowing if he was going to come home alive or not..." He looks at me, "...But my father's a good man. And so is your's... You really have to count your blessings in a time like this. That's the only way to get through hard times. Remember what you have."
"Never surrender," I say, remembering the motto on his sword.
"Absolutely."
I think of my own family motto. "And eventually, everything will be reborn."
"Always," Kestrel says, his glasses glinting in the dim light as his fishes his battered guitar out from under his bunk.
I then remember my father's letter to me. The one he sent with my sword. The tradition is reborn, as it rightly should have been, and as it always will be.
Migel will never be reborn.
I sniff and blink my eyes. I see my father's sword, which hangs off of my bunk. I stand up and remove it the regulation sword and scabbard, opting instead for the stunningly beautiful sword that belonged to my father. That bears the Zarain family crest and motto.
If I go down like Migel, I want to be wearing my father's sword.
So I can be reborn.
"Glad we had this little talk," Kestrel says as I leave the room. His head lowers, and he begins playing a soft, simple tune.
I look over my shoulder with a smile and close the door.
*
Dilandau, along with Gatti, Chesta, Guimel, Dalet, and Viole, arrive back at the Vione later that night. None of them seem very pleased. All Dilandau had said they were going for was to "meet" with the doppleganger who had been sent out by Folken. Like the "dragon hunting" incident, there seems to be a feeling in the air that indicated there was more to the plan than was given to us.
Most of us are standing in the corridor as they arrive, and my gaze shifts over the six figures and rests on Viole. I try to catch her eye- I'm ready to talk now- but as Dilandau passes me, he gives me a look out of the corner of his eye, his eyelids half-lowered. I don't quite know what it means, but... I sigh. What else could it mean? I give Viole a smile- like the kind she gave me on our dragon hunt- and slip away from the others to follow Dilandau.
*
As I enter the room, I note that, as usual, the lights are out. I take a few steps in. I can't see him anywhere.
"Lord Dilandau?" I ask quietly. No answer. "Si-"
"They know, Cherandle." The door zooms shut behind me. I turn, "They know. How could you let them find out?!"
"I'm sorry!" I say, voice panicked in the the dark, "I didn't mean to-"
Hands grasp my arms, pinning them to my sides, "But... you... DID." He's leaning in close now, "You did..."
That's it. Migel's death, the tension, the fear. I can't take it anymore.
"I didn't. I didn't do anything." I say, defiant.
"Don't you talk back! " he exclaims, pushing me several feet backwards, "DAMN it, Cherandle, do you know how much trouble I could get in for this?! I thought you understood that! I thought you could keep it a secret -"
"Dilandau, I love you! I w-"
I stop in mid-sentence, my mouth hanging open, my eyes wide, muscles tensed, as though not only my mind, but my body as well is shocked by the words that just came flying out of my mouth. I love you...?
As shocked as I am to have said it, Dilandau seems twice as shocked to have heard it. I can't be sure if he's angry or just surprised, but his eyes are wide, and they seem to be burning holes right through me.
"Go on and hit me," I say, tears swelling beneath my eyes, "I don't even care anymore." I almost wish he would hit me, just so I could feel like this was a normal situation.
But he doesn't. After a few moments, he just collapses into one of the chairs at the table by his bed. There is another long silence.
"Do any of this make sense to you at all?" He asks. There's anger in his voice, and tension, but there's also something I've never heard before.
I wring my hands a bit and look down at the floor, "I- I don't know... Lord Dilandau..." I look up again, and pause, choosing my words carefully. "I'm confused, too."
He's staring at me again, and he's giving me almost the same look he he did for those few moments in the aftermath of his brush with Van Fanel.
"Sit down," he says. It almost sounds like an order.
