Author's Note: So I've drifted over to put up a T+Y fic…I guess this fulfills my angst requirement. Besides, I hate non-endings, not knowing what happened in Touya's and Yukito's relationship in the anime, so I thought I'd tie a few loose ends up…and fill it with lots of angst too… I don't know if everyone's seen the full anime, so there may be references to episodes you don't know about…just tell me if you don't get something and I'll be sure to explain it all in the author's notes of the next chapter. And review? And no flames please; if you're not open minded enough to accept shounen-ai, then don't spread that intolerance to innocent authors…actually, I'd wonder why you were reading a T+Y fic in the first place…
Dedication: Hey Floralmoon; thanks for the suggestion…it's about time I do a T+Y fic… So this is for you.
Disclaimer: Syrupjunkie fell forward with a gasp, knife protruding from his back, thick streams of blood pooling around his mouth. With a death moan he breathed, 'I don't own CCS.'
Sweet SurrenderChapter 1: Quiver
It doesn't mean much
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me
is a cold room
The bow gives a satisfying twang as the feather tipped projectile imbeds itself into the padded target. I relax my stance, my feet finding comfort in the soft grass; a sideways glance tells me I'm not alone. Reaching behind me, soft fur brushes across my fingers, my hand closing around another arrow. Setting the weight on my forward leg, muscles quivering in harmony with the bow, the wood creaks gently as I tug the taught string. All that remains is the multi-coloured circled mark, the release from my fingers only a slight separation of two fingers. A sharp vibration in the air. Thud. Another miss; I shake my head ruefully. It's no use today.
Resignedly, the bow and array of arrows find their repose at my feet, my robe loosened, wind blowing across my exposed skin. It's cool but mildly soothing like a formless caress of fingers. I lower myself to the damp earth waiting, fingers entwining the longer blades of grass. As leisurely as it seems, my hair drips the labours of my intense concentration, or in today's retrospect, my unraveled focus. A draught of cold water and I'm outwardly serene again, anticipating the casual approach of the figure standing off to my right. He swings a backpack off his shoulders, dropping it next to me with a muffled protest. "Aren't you late for work?"
Touya shrugs, taking a seat at my side. "I quit; I don't need money that badly."
I nod knowingly, recalling the countless hours he's taken the past few years, all for the sake of his little sister. I'd smile if I wasn't thinking too intensely of gray things; as it is, I answer perfunctorily. "I see. What're you doing here?"
"Figured you'd be here."
I smile forlornly, battling that familiar invading warmth in my chest. "It's comforting here." You can splay your feet out on front of you, inhaling the aromatic scent of nature, as if you can throw everything else to be scattered in the wind. Touya stares quizzically at me, questioning. "What's wrong?"
"You haven't seemed to be yourself the last few weeks."
"Oh." I fake genuine surprise as well as I can. "I don't feel any different. Just felt like escaping everything for while today, I guess." I nervously turn the shaft of an arrow between my fingers, the smooth wood something to distract me from all the raging emotions that his presence invokes.
"Yuki…" I squeeze my eyes shut, telling myself I won't give in as I feel his cool fingers gently rub the side of neck. The painful pleasure is almost unbearable, the urgent need to fight myself from crumbling completely under his touch. I think about the rigid movements of archery, willing myself to the form the words I've been dreading to tell him. Pulling back. "Touya?" My skin complains as the gentle touches leave me, heated skin bared again to the indifferent breeze.
I part my eyes open, his dark orbs staring into me, expectant curiosity overlaying his casual features. "What?"
"I-I'm transferring universities." Twang. I stroke the hard leather of the quiver as he takes this in, shock subsiding under the wave of uncertainty that rims his eyes.
"Why?" Thud.
One word, infinite excuses, innumerable explanations. "I-I don't know." I let my eyes slide shut as his form straightens, hefting his books, striding away with a stifled 'ja.' Taking up the bow, I aim for the golden center, the arrow instead sticking hard into the bark of a tree standing off to the side. I sigh; any hope of concentration dissipates.
Now that I'm alone again, the discordant thoughts return to flood my mind. Sakura controls magical cards; I am one of her guardians. I am two people, one magical, the second a mere shell, weaved of some intricate spell. I am Yue not Yukito. Touya loves Yukito; he sustained Yue. Do dummies feel? I feel, I think. Are my emotions something programmed? How easy it was just to admit I loved Touya to Sakura, underneath the fake stars of our school's maze. I never doubted it, any of it. I was real, kept repeating it over and over as if I actually could be anything but a false form. A silent understanding passed between me and Touya; the exchanged glances and friendly contact deepening into something more symbolic, every brushing of hands a confession, a conduit for suppressed need. I almost said those three damning words then, but by a fortunate twist of fate, I didn't.
It's all gone I suppose, the prospect of any relationship with Touya. The doubts I'd been burying unearthed themselves in a relentless wave of certainty a little over a month ago. Was my love real even if I wasn't? No, it isn't. I turned away from him, from his love, from the electric feel of his hands against my skin, the years of happiness that used to lay ahead of me like a shining beacon. What's the problem? I don't trust myself anymore. What if my feelings were something automatic, a planned emotion, some cruel side effect of my creation? That one day I'd wake up next to him and no longer love him, realizing that I've never had any feeling for him at all? It was a horrifying thought; it still is.
And now, I must go, leave him behind. It's better to save him the heartbreak earlier than later, isn't it? Though I still wish my time with him were longer…
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Author's Notes: Yep, first chapter done; I don't know how many chapters there are going to be…five? As usual, I've just gotten carried away with feelings and sensations so tell me if I've gone too pretentious… I fully the realize the lemon potential for this fic but this will NOT be a lemon. I'd embarrass myself horribly, so if anything, it'll be superficially suggestive and maybe a little lime.
