Author's Notes: Another chapter, some more angst and sad stuff…
A lot of thanks to: Moon Castle, Gil-Galad (don't worry about sadness, I'm a sucker for happy endings…), anjali-chan (losing control is one of my favourites too, just behind 'slipping away' anyway), CreatiStar (hope you remember…maybe my sucky memory is rubbing off…), Rhea-chan (hehe, I'm taking archery next semester because of Yukito…=P)
Disclaimer: A flashbulb went off, the inspector observing the dead body. "Anyone hear anything?" The valet replied quickly, "he said this evening, he didn't own CCS or 'Sweet surrender.'" The inspector took a puff of his pipe. "Yes, that is suggestive…"
Sweet SurrenderChapter 2: Dying
I've crossed the
last line
From where I can't return
Where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
And led me from my home
I can't say how long I've been awake, days it seems. The sun is rising, the orange of the sky lightening, the call of birds already like trilling, mournful music in the air. I rub my eyes, looking about my room, a disarray of boxes and suitcases a week before, but now blurred and barren, a lonely scrap of torn paper the remnant of my haste to pack. Today, I leave.
I rub my eyes again, sore lids pressed deep against pigmented tissue. A bright field of coloured spots dances in my vision, something at least to distract me from the tormenting emotions poised on the edge of my consciousness, ready to pounce on me and rip me raw. By this time tomorrow, I'll be somewhere wholly new, another bed, another life. I roll over, sweeping away the unbidden remonstrances my conscience throws at me, defending myself against them. I have to leave. The decision stands weak in the face of the bliss that staying would mean, but fundamentally I know I'm right; I have to believe I am.
The beeping of the little alarm clock on my bedstand gives a futile warning ring before powering up to a shrill chime. I listen intently as the whining voice goes higher, the demanding tone invading my mind. I lie and listen, letting it scream; in fact, it's nice to feel my mind cringing in hurt against the alarm than feeling my heart breaking apart over and over again as each minute falls away from now and my departure. The sun's above the horizon now, the room bathed in the beige light filtering through the curtains. This is it. I take a deep breath and reach for my glasses, my surroundings taking crisp lines and angles as light converges through the lenses. I half-stumble, half-plod towards the bathroom, the tiles cold against my feet, room partly shaded as the sun slants in sharply through the single window. Turning the hot water on, I stare a while at my reflection in the mirror. No change, I'm the same as I was yesterday, as I was six months ago. But inside, I know I'm not the same, not happy anymore, empty.
Suddenly shivering, I quickly disrobe and step under the rushing nozzle, wishing for an instant that the hot water could possibly warm my insides instead of running scorchingly over my skin. Unexpectedly, an attack of panic grips me, some kind of silent desperation welling up, wobbling my legs. I slump against the wall, sliding down to sit under the harsh ministrations of the pounding water. Bringing my knees to my chest, I watch blindly as the water cascades against my face, a painful stream of the hot liquid jabbing at my eyes, smearing my vision, washing the would-be tears away.
I exit the shower, not knowing how long I've been flooded over, brooding. The towel grates against my sensitized skin, scraping and gnashing at every drying swipe I take. I've washed away everything, hardening myself to remain emotionless, taking a lesson from my other half. My likeness in the fogged glass thins his lips, adjusting his glasses in icy precision.
A cursory examination of the room tells me everything's packed, the overfilled duffel bag sitting quietly next to me. Grabbing it quickly, I stride out of the room, shutting the room as well as my memories. All this ends today.
The hall clock chimes noon, my approach to the front door halted by an added tone, the doorbell ringing lugubriously. I anticipate who it is, heart pounding and dying at the same time. Dropping the bag at my feet, a force overpowers my will and draws me closer to the threshold.
Touya stands unsure in the exposed doorway, hand upheld to knock. "Yuki…"
"Touya…" Nothing more; I can't say anything more; what is there to say?
He hesitates momentarily, letting his arm fall to his side. "I-I wanted to see you off."
I nod, turning my back to grab my bag and walk out with him. A soft click echoes in the corridor, the light from outside disappearing with a quick sweep. I tense a little, a creaking footstep behind me.
"Yuki…"
"Hmm?" I turn to face Touya, his unreadable eyes staring down at me. "What is it?"
He shakes his head dolefully. "I don't understand."
I pretend to not know what he's talking about, kneeling back down to mindlessly check over the zippers of my bag. "Understand what?"
"Us…"
I freeze at the word, swallowing. "Us? What about us?" I ask indifferently, hoping he wouldn't catch the slight tremble in my voice.
"How we went from wherever we were to here…" His shadow intensifies as he steps closer placing an excruciatingly light hand on my shoulder. "Yuki…please tell me, tell me why…"
I'm not quite sure how it happens, but I'm facing him, watching him plead with me. But what can I say? I could tell him, and he'd tell me that I was wrong, tell me that my fears were unfounded. I know him too well; he'd succeed in convincing me not to go, persuading to let myself fall, be blissfully ignorant of anything but love. But for how long? How long before that piercing doubt resurfaces and I'm in hell again? My only reaction is and can only be a stuttered, "I-I can't."
"Are you confused? About me?"
It's funny, disturbingly funny that I'm so confused over him and yet so sure. I nod for lack of a better response.
He give me a small smile, mirthless but understanding. "I see…" I don't know what he sees from my expression but he leans down, and I lift my head up; I can't help it. If I was leaving, wasn't I allowed a parting kiss, something to remember and smile fondly at when I'm cold and desolate?
Strangely, I've never been so certain of anything as much as I am about this, no moment to second guess myself, only to feel. And I fall. And die at the same time. It's soft, so soft and yielding that I want to sink. A gentle brush of fingers rubs at the back of my neck, pulling me deeper against his lips; I willingly drown. As he separates, I stare feverishly for a second into his eyes, clenching my jaw as I pull slowly away. "I'll be late for the train." I pick up my bag trying frantically to walk normally through the doorway before I find myself fixed to the spot, unable to leave him.
"Wait, Yuki…"
I turn and glance icily at him, straining to give away nothing, nothing of the churning emotions, not the feeling of having my stomach drop out, not the bitterness burrowing through my lungs with each breath. "Yes?"
Touya sighs a little. "I'll be here if you change your mind."
I blink and steady my nerves. "I won't."
He watches me for a moment, spanning what seemed like hours. "Will you think about it?" His voice is soft, tenderly insistent.
My reserve falters under his appeal and I reply quickly and betraying myself. "I-I will…" With that, I gather the remains of my strength, taking a fierce hold of the door, slamming it between us. A barest breath enters me before I run, duffel bag swinging wildly at my side, smashing into my legs, lungs smoldering in the exertion. Chest burning, I run, toward the station, toward uncertainty, anywhere away from destiny.
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Author's Notes: Isn't this depressing? Just a few more chapter to go; think it'll be limey at the end…don't know how my mood will be though…
