The One Where I Wonder
By: Jana~
XXX
-When I was younger, I believed dreams came true. Now, lately, I've been beginning to wonder. My dreams certainly haven't come true.
And whose fault is that?
I know it's my fault. It's just, I feel like I have this little black rain cloud, following me everywhere, raining on my constantly. Even on perfectly beautiful sunny days.
That's because you're miserable. And what do you do? You just walk out the door. You just left her there. How could you do that?
I don't know. I don't know how I found the strength to do that.
Strength? Who are you kidding? You're a coward, is what you are. A coward for leaving her in the first place. A coward for not telling her how you really feel.
It wouldn't have done any good. I had my chance and I blew it. All I have now are memories of the good times we shared, knowing I will probably never see them again.
You're pathetic.
I know that. You think I don't know that?
Why did you even go there?
I don't know. I wasn't expecting to see her there.
Oh, right. She lives less than a hundred paces away from the coffeehouse. Of course you were expecting to see her.
Ok, part of me was hoping to see her, but, part of me was hoping I wouldn't have to face her.
That's cause you're a coward. When did it go down hill for you? When she said she was 'just fine'?
I don't know, maybe.
It was a lie, you know that, right?
No, I don't know that.
Yes you do. I am you, remember? I know what you're thinking at all times. You saw it in her eyes. She's as devastated without you as you are without her.
I might be wrong. What if I'm wrong? Joey hasn't said anything about her wanting me back. What if she isn't missing me? What if she's moved on? If I tell her how I feel, I will humiliate myself.
It's worth the risk to find out. She is worth the risk.
When I was younger, I used to think that I could win. At life. At love. You know, find happiness? Now, I wonder if I ever will.
That's because you run away from it. It's been within your reach… you ran away.
Just seeing her, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I know. I'm you, remember?
God, does this mean I'm schizophrenic? Because I'm having a conversation with myself?
No. If you start to talk to yourself out loud, then answer yourself out loud, THEN you may need to worry.
God, I just kept thinking about how we used to walk hand in hand out of the coffeehouse… stroll over to Central Park. I was happy then. That person was happy. I've been searching for that person for the last six months, but I've changed.
I know.
I keep thinking and hoping that the next new day will find the old me. The me that was happy. Now, I wonder, without Monica, is that even possible?
No.
I don't know what to do- What do I do now?
You know what to do. You need to go back. Go back and talk to Monica.
But, what if she turns me down? Or laughs in my face?
Do you honestly think you could be any more miserable than you already are?
No. I doubt it.
Well, then, there you go. Go back to Central Perk and talk to her.
-My brain had a point, but my heart was still afraid. I just stood staring at the subway entrance, knowing if I didn't hurry, I would miss the next train. But if I took the train home now…
If you get on that train and go home, you know you will never go back.
I looked at the subway steps… a life without Monica. I looked back the way I came… a life with Monica, or possibly, rejection and humiliation? Would she take me back? That was the question. What was the answer?
I numbly started down the stairs when something hit me, knocking the wind out of me. It wasn't a physical blow, it was an emotional blow, and it was then that I knew. Whatever else happened, I couldn't live the rest of my life without at least trying. I had to tell her.
I have to tell her how I feel.
Right.
Even if she laughs in my face, I have to tell her I still love her.
Right.
I climbed the few steps I had descended, then stood by the railing, unmoving.
If you put one foot in front of the other, you will get there much faster.
I know that. I just- I don't know-
Just do it already!
"Shut up!"
I didn't mean to say that out loud, and some sweet old lady jumped a foot at my outburst.
"Sorry, ma'am, not you," I apologized, then walked away, back towards the coffeehouse. Back towards Monica. Back towards my destiny.
-I found myself in a full run. Running back to her. Back to admit everything. That I never should have left. That I never stopped loving her. That I want to be with her. I want to be committed to her.
That last revelation floored me, and I stopped running as I gave that thought deserved consideration. A commitment. Was I ready for that? Was I ready for forever? Marriage? Kids?
The bottom line was, I couldn't live without her. I tried to the last six months and it almost killed me. Whatever it was that made me leave her in the first place, it was gone, making way for new fears, but with one discerning difference… I wanted to face my new fears WITH Monica, whereas before, I was afraid OF Monica.
Not afraid of her, per se, just afraid of losing her. Now, my fears are that of living a life without her.
That's the same thing.
No, it's not. Before, I was afraid she would leave me. I was afraid of alienating her. Now, I'm afraid of living a life without her. I need her in my life. If I didn't know that before, I know that now.
So, go tell her. You're here. Look.
I looked up and saw the coffeehouse across the street. I was so busy arguing with myself, I didn't even realize how close I was till I was upon it.
I took a deep breath to settle my nerves, then started into the street and for Central Perk's door. My brain was so focused, my body seemed almost detached, except for my heart, which was racing wildly. I reached for the door and swung it open, taking a step inside. A brief glance around was all it took to locate her, and I smiled as I took a step towards her, but then, I stopped. She wasn't alone…
TO BE CONTINUED…
