Disclaimer: Clover is Clamp's.



Kibou. (Wish.)

By Miyamoto Yui



Chapter 4 – I didn't know the answer.



~Worries~

I…I should go.

I should push him away from me, but why can't I? Please don't make me cry.

I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't. You wouldn't let me. But I know exactly how he is feeling and it's pushing a dagger through my heart.

Whatever is left of it.

Painfully I push him away. He understands.

If we don't let go, we'll be forced to split apart.

I don't think either of us can stand that. The fear of just thinking that sends a shiver down my spine.

That is worse than dying right now in my honest opinion.

I go back into the kitchen to stubbornly pick up the pieces and many things run through my head. One of them is that this will not matter later.

These dishes are headed for destruction. I just helped them along the way.

I pick them up despite my hands hurting. Maybe I have some kind of acute arthritis. But if I tell him this, he'll worry more.

I age so much faster now. I could see my hands aging before me. Losing myself somewhat and the sharp pain developing in my hands, I'm forced back into reality. Then, CRASH!

He stepped in the room calmly. But, I knew he was worried.

He always worries about me.



~Uta no namae wa Wish.~

(~The song's name is Wish.~)

After fixing up, I head into the living room and turn off the radio and play something else.

I sit on the chair listening silently to the violin playing. Softly…gently…

I want to grasp this feeling deep inside of my heart, but I can't. I want to keep my soul intact, but I am taken to a different world.

One where I don't have to think of how old I am…

Where I'm dying inside and out…

One where I know I'm not deteriorating before him…

The song suddenly stops. This song called Wish.

I open my eyes and look out the window as the rain falls continuously. It seems my eyes are playing tricks on me.

I amuse myself for a few minutes by looking straight at the window. I used to do this for hours at a time.

There was nothing else I could do.

It was so quiet when Gingetsu was gone. I starved just to hear him clicking away on his computer.

Though I never could tell him, I was happy that way. Just having someone there was enough for me. Though I can't entirely enjoy it due to the constraints of my body, my mind, A, or the constant surveillance, I did not mind as much anymore.

For, when I was at the institution, I searched for this feeling. I searched for human warmth.

Even among all these people in their white lab coats, I felt all alone. I was always quiet until one of my brothers talked to me.

Then, A became possessive over me.

When I looked up to the familiar ceiling, I embraced A. But still, even then, I did not feel anything though he held me firmly and tightly. He kissed me on the head and it felt like ice as it sent a current of fear down my body.

Only when he slept did I have any kind of peace. When no one was there or when it was truly quiet did I get to really think and do what I wanted. But being caged, I couldn't do much either.

And so, I stayed in A's arms and looked up at the ceiling thinking, "I wish…I don't know what to wish for."

The next day, I left.



~Until.~

"Lan, I think you should go to bed."

I looked around to find Gingetsu standing over me. He then picked me up and carried me to my bed.

Always…you always bring me back to reality to Gingetsu.

As he turned around to leave, I weakly got up and grabbed him from behind as my tears began to soak his back.

"Why do you always save me, Gingetsu?" I said as I softly sobbed.

"No one else will," he answered.

Even now, the guilt I felt for killing all those people, it comes to haunt me. And each time, it robs me of my sanity and my heart. I become more and more numb as all my emotions leave me.

I am not calm. Not at all.

I wear a smile because I know…

There is nothing else I can do.

"How can you possibly love someone who killed so many?"

"How can _you_ possibly love someone like that?" he countered.



Then, A came into mind and I trembled in nervousness.

"What do you dream of, C?" A had asked me once.

"Nothing." I answered.

I lied.

I held Gingetsu harder as if my heart would spill its blood onto his body.

Him.

I dreamt of you of all this time.



I didn't know the answer…

until you took care of me then.

Until you first cared for my hands

With your warm ones.



As he put his arms around my own,

it was only then that I truly smiled.



To be continued…

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Author's note: Boy do I love, Lan.