disclaimer: X isn't mine, but Shinta is.
Crimson Tokyo
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 2 - I can't give you anything.
My lips finally let out the breath that had been sunk deeply into my soul like a scar, "Subaru."
After a year, I was able to say his name. Able to say his name, but with the cringing inside my chest like a tangled web of sakura encrouching my body from all sides.
"I'm a hanged man with invisible chains. They're called cherry-blossoms," he had softly said to me once when we were walking.
I turned around to back into my apartment while closing my eyes painfully.
I turned on the light to my apartment once more and the silence was again getting to me.
It was hard being alone.
There was no noise unlike in Kyoto. Tokyo had a secret silence that was so creepy in its atmosphere.
Like that of the dead breathing their air to make the living think.
I haven't said that name in so long.
Not since that day...the only day I had called him that.
Only that one time, it was also once.
I missed him constantly. Deeper than anyone would know.
And I knew grandmother did too. He was her favorite...and yet, she was thoroughly disappointed with him.
Hurt that he had abandoned himself and had become so quiet within that she could no longer recognize him. He had once been a person that smiled a lot and even was polite.
Not even a remnant appeared for want of hope. Though she tried so hard to pull him from the depths of an emotional pool he had made around himself, she knew it was all in vain.
She could no longer save him.
That's what I had been told.
_I_ could never possibly ask him to come back to me once I realized what everything meant.
Everything.
Everything as in what?
Wants...needs...love...hate...death...obligation...
The meshed collage that made a human and a beast at the same time, carnal in their pleasure, pure in their heart's passion.
I don't know what had happened at that time. I was barely three or four at the time.
Grandmother said that when he had changed, I had cried because my instinct knew.
My father had took me into his arms and looked at me. And I was told that I looked back and cried my eyes out. I wouldn't even touch him for about a day because he wasn't his smiling self. I ran to the sakura trees in some park and cried.
I was also told that when I was born, he had held me for hours. He had gone out into the garden and stood looking up to the trees around us. Smiling with a grin that couldn't be described in words, he held me saying, "You are mine."
"But what will I do with you?" he looked at me curiously.
When he wanted to take me out of the household, Grandmother wouldn't allow it. I wasn't able to leave the house. Not just yet.
Aunty Hokuto wrote to me that she would have to fight with him just to hold me. No matter what she did, he wouldn't let go for some strange reason. So, just to spite him, she had somehow magically made my hair a tint of red. So here I was a baby with a strip of red meshed into my bangs.
"It's your father's favorite color," she had written in a notebook to me. "But man, was he so mad at me. Wouldn't talk to me for days. And you know me, not talk to Subaru??? What the hell?!"
So here I am, a sixteen-year-old with a 'natural' tint of red hair that positions itself over my left eye.
And with a dead aunt that I wish I had known. She sounded awesome. Then again, someone must be definitely interesting if she loved those different coloured pens enough to write to me in every color.
EVERY color. ^^;;;;
Somehow, she had known she would leave the world in a few years after I had entered it.
That's why she wrote the notebook: To tell me who she was because she knew that my father wouldn't want to after what happened.
That sense of knowing wasn't so surprising anymore.
After father died, things made more sense, and yet they became more ambiguous at the same time.
Still, after that, nothing shocked me anymore.
Try me.
I think I've heard it before.
Just because I had been encapsuled in Kyoto all these years doesn't mean I don't know life and all its experiences...
I then turned on the radio to fill in the blanks of sound protruding my ears like quiet daggers.
It reminded me of the time when Aunty mentioned in her notebook that I didn't even have a name when I was given that red strip of hair.
I don't even know why he named me that. I asked one time when I was nine. He only said to me, "Ian wanted it."
And that was the end of that.
There was nothing else I had to ask.
But I never knew who my mother was and I never felt the need to search for her. It didn't matter to me. And I found that kind of strange.
Other children would have pined for one and yet I didn't. I had my grandmother, but it just wasn't the same.
I only wanted and needed one thing.
Nothing else mattered...
Only having him...
Only having Subaru.
I would give anything...
Anything at all.
But he didn't accept-"Who's there?!"
The lights of my apartment suddenly turned off and I swirved around cautiously in my place trying to concentrate where the aura was coming from.
But floating in the air, there was only a faint one.
GRAB!
The familiar gloves took a hold of my neck and gently stroked it on its sides.
"What do you want?" I seethed through my teeth. With vindictive eyes, I wanted to burn him with just my touch.
Too many people in the building...
Must find a way out...
Silence.
The warm lips kissed the back of my neck and I closed my eyes both in pleasure and in bitter hate at him and my weak self.
"That's enough, Shizuka."
My voice echoed on the walls. It was as if I were always talking to myself...
"No." The haunting whisper echoed in my mind. "I want _everything_."
"Sorry, but I just can't do that." I tried to counter. I shook but he wouldn't budge.
I can't give you anything. I'm barren...
I would melt from his touch everytime though I pretended that I was as hard as stone tapped on by rain.
Unmoved and unmoving.
He started to kiss the back of my neck more with his warm breath digging itself into my skin. I closed my eyes and tilted my head up.
"Pity that I couldn't make you my prey Shinta Sumeragi-kun."
As he grabbed my waist and held me closer to him, I felt his heart beat faster and faster with his body shaking in frustration, anger, want, and pain. He was just as confused as I.
"Still I can't escape the ghost of you," suddenly sang on my Cd player like a song of the past that never would cease to go away.
My chest became tight again.
Yet again, Shizuka made me always confused in our subtle, yet restless game of cat and mouse.
Only, we couldn't tell who was chasing who anymore.
He knew I wanted his life, but in exchange, he wanted everything else...
My mind. My heart. My soul.
But I could never give any of these things if they were already taken from me...
So who was really controlling who?
And so, this was what made me hate the sakurazukamori even more than killing my father. This was one of the few secrets I couldn't ever tell Grandmother.
Shizuka had always wanted to take more than I could ever give him...
Just like my father.
Only, I let you, Subaru.
At that moment, Shizuka began to kiss my lips as if he wanted to suffocate me in my pain...
---
Author's note: Sorry for this chapter's shortcomings, but I hope you enjoyed it!
Crimson Tokyo
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 2 - I can't give you anything.
My lips finally let out the breath that had been sunk deeply into my soul like a scar, "Subaru."
After a year, I was able to say his name. Able to say his name, but with the cringing inside my chest like a tangled web of sakura encrouching my body from all sides.
"I'm a hanged man with invisible chains. They're called cherry-blossoms," he had softly said to me once when we were walking.
I turned around to back into my apartment while closing my eyes painfully.
I turned on the light to my apartment once more and the silence was again getting to me.
It was hard being alone.
There was no noise unlike in Kyoto. Tokyo had a secret silence that was so creepy in its atmosphere.
Like that of the dead breathing their air to make the living think.
I haven't said that name in so long.
Not since that day...the only day I had called him that.
Only that one time, it was also once.
I missed him constantly. Deeper than anyone would know.
And I knew grandmother did too. He was her favorite...and yet, she was thoroughly disappointed with him.
Hurt that he had abandoned himself and had become so quiet within that she could no longer recognize him. He had once been a person that smiled a lot and even was polite.
Not even a remnant appeared for want of hope. Though she tried so hard to pull him from the depths of an emotional pool he had made around himself, she knew it was all in vain.
She could no longer save him.
That's what I had been told.
_I_ could never possibly ask him to come back to me once I realized what everything meant.
Everything.
Everything as in what?
Wants...needs...love...hate...death...obligation...
The meshed collage that made a human and a beast at the same time, carnal in their pleasure, pure in their heart's passion.
I don't know what had happened at that time. I was barely three or four at the time.
Grandmother said that when he had changed, I had cried because my instinct knew.
My father had took me into his arms and looked at me. And I was told that I looked back and cried my eyes out. I wouldn't even touch him for about a day because he wasn't his smiling self. I ran to the sakura trees in some park and cried.
I was also told that when I was born, he had held me for hours. He had gone out into the garden and stood looking up to the trees around us. Smiling with a grin that couldn't be described in words, he held me saying, "You are mine."
"But what will I do with you?" he looked at me curiously.
When he wanted to take me out of the household, Grandmother wouldn't allow it. I wasn't able to leave the house. Not just yet.
Aunty Hokuto wrote to me that she would have to fight with him just to hold me. No matter what she did, he wouldn't let go for some strange reason. So, just to spite him, she had somehow magically made my hair a tint of red. So here I was a baby with a strip of red meshed into my bangs.
"It's your father's favorite color," she had written in a notebook to me. "But man, was he so mad at me. Wouldn't talk to me for days. And you know me, not talk to Subaru??? What the hell?!"
So here I am, a sixteen-year-old with a 'natural' tint of red hair that positions itself over my left eye.
And with a dead aunt that I wish I had known. She sounded awesome. Then again, someone must be definitely interesting if she loved those different coloured pens enough to write to me in every color.
EVERY color. ^^;;;;
Somehow, she had known she would leave the world in a few years after I had entered it.
That's why she wrote the notebook: To tell me who she was because she knew that my father wouldn't want to after what happened.
That sense of knowing wasn't so surprising anymore.
After father died, things made more sense, and yet they became more ambiguous at the same time.
Still, after that, nothing shocked me anymore.
Try me.
I think I've heard it before.
Just because I had been encapsuled in Kyoto all these years doesn't mean I don't know life and all its experiences...
I then turned on the radio to fill in the blanks of sound protruding my ears like quiet daggers.
It reminded me of the time when Aunty mentioned in her notebook that I didn't even have a name when I was given that red strip of hair.
I don't even know why he named me that. I asked one time when I was nine. He only said to me, "Ian wanted it."
And that was the end of that.
There was nothing else I had to ask.
But I never knew who my mother was and I never felt the need to search for her. It didn't matter to me. And I found that kind of strange.
Other children would have pined for one and yet I didn't. I had my grandmother, but it just wasn't the same.
I only wanted and needed one thing.
Nothing else mattered...
Only having him...
Only having Subaru.
I would give anything...
Anything at all.
But he didn't accept-"Who's there?!"
The lights of my apartment suddenly turned off and I swirved around cautiously in my place trying to concentrate where the aura was coming from.
But floating in the air, there was only a faint one.
GRAB!
The familiar gloves took a hold of my neck and gently stroked it on its sides.
"What do you want?" I seethed through my teeth. With vindictive eyes, I wanted to burn him with just my touch.
Too many people in the building...
Must find a way out...
Silence.
The warm lips kissed the back of my neck and I closed my eyes both in pleasure and in bitter hate at him and my weak self.
"That's enough, Shizuka."
My voice echoed on the walls. It was as if I were always talking to myself...
"No." The haunting whisper echoed in my mind. "I want _everything_."
"Sorry, but I just can't do that." I tried to counter. I shook but he wouldn't budge.
I can't give you anything. I'm barren...
I would melt from his touch everytime though I pretended that I was as hard as stone tapped on by rain.
Unmoved and unmoving.
He started to kiss the back of my neck more with his warm breath digging itself into my skin. I closed my eyes and tilted my head up.
"Pity that I couldn't make you my prey Shinta Sumeragi-kun."
As he grabbed my waist and held me closer to him, I felt his heart beat faster and faster with his body shaking in frustration, anger, want, and pain. He was just as confused as I.
"Still I can't escape the ghost of you," suddenly sang on my Cd player like a song of the past that never would cease to go away.
My chest became tight again.
Yet again, Shizuka made me always confused in our subtle, yet restless game of cat and mouse.
Only, we couldn't tell who was chasing who anymore.
He knew I wanted his life, but in exchange, he wanted everything else...
My mind. My heart. My soul.
But I could never give any of these things if they were already taken from me...
So who was really controlling who?
And so, this was what made me hate the sakurazukamori even more than killing my father. This was one of the few secrets I couldn't ever tell Grandmother.
Shizuka had always wanted to take more than I could ever give him...
Just like my father.
Only, I let you, Subaru.
At that moment, Shizuka began to kiss my lips as if he wanted to suffocate me in my pain...
---
Author's note: Sorry for this chapter's shortcomings, but I hope you enjoyed it!
