THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RED DWARF
PART 6
(A/N: I know I said there wouldn't be any more drunkenness in this story, but Gollum had other plans. Oh, and Kris' crush is revealed in this chapter!)
They had dinner in the
Officers' Club that night. The skutters, who would normally have been serving,
had locked themselves in a supply closet, so the honors fell to Lister and Cat.
Kochanski managed to get a seat between her crush and the other good-looking
one.
Rimmer once again
searched Lister's face for signs of jealousy . . . but Lister, it seemed, was
oblivious to the situation.
How smegging stupid could he be? The woman he'd spent three million years
obsessing over was openly flirting with a storybook character, and he didn't
mind? How could he not be just a little jealous?
Rimmer decided to take matters into his own hands.
"So, Ms. Kochanski, ma'am . . . I understand they're showing Casablanca
in the ship's cinema tonight . . ."
"And . . . ?" Kochanski prompted.
"Why don't you
take . . . um, What's-His-Name with you? Sort of an evening out."
"What's-His-Name" looked at Kochanski in confusion. "Out? I
thought we were in space."
"Mr. Rimmer is speaking metaphorically," Kochanski laughed.
"What he means is, we should go on a . . . date."
Still no reaction from Lister. What was the man made of, steel?
"Then maybe a little late-night drink at Parrot's?" Rimmer suggested.
Lister gave him a
skeptical look. "After what happened with Merry and Pippin and their
skutter races? I wouldn't recommend it, man. One or two pints there and
Krissie's date'll be under the table . . . and Krissie can't drink anything
anyway 'cause she's a hologram."
Up in Petersen's quarters,meanwhile, Gollum was discovering that he rather
enjoyed the taste of Hansen's Wicked Strength Lager. "My precious likes
this very much." the creature said, licking his lips with glee. "We
wants to have more of this." He cracked open another bottle . . . and if
the crew of the Red Dwarf
had thought a drunken hobbit was trouble, well, they hadn't seen anything yet.
"Excuse
me," Kochanski said, with a pointed look at Lister, "but I can speak
for myself."
"Sorry," Lister mumbled.
"Do you hear something?" Kris' would-be date asked.
Everyone listened very closely, but all they could hear were the sounds of
skutters trying to hide.
"I don't hear a smegging thing." Rimmer said.
"Um,excuse me, chaps," Holly said, "I don't mean to be rude, but
the security cameras have picked up something rather odd in Petersen's
quarters."
Rimmer glanced at a display screen and saw a brief flash of movement near the
door; he also noticed that the door to Petersen's personal refrigerator had
been left open. "What the smeg....?"
"Something definitely followed us," Aragorn said
grimly.
Frodo sighed. "I was afraid of that."
"Whatever it is, it's after you-know-what."
"What?" Cat asked.
Aragorn continued as if he hadn't been interrupted. "So that means that we
can't leave you alone. We'll have to work out a rotating system of watches . .
."
"Why?" Cat asked.
"Does this mean we don't have to do the laundry?" Merry asked
hopefully.
"It means we've got trouble right here in Red Dwarf
City." Kryten said, looking at the image of Petersen's quarters.
Gimli picked up his axe, ready to decapitate the intruder.
"What could have followed you here?" Lister asked Gandalf.
"Many things. Most of which wouldn't hide from us."
"And the ones that would hide?" Kryten said.
"Does anyone else mind that we left in the middle of dinner?" Pippin complained.
"Never mind dinner--we have more important things to think about." Legolas chided him.
"More important
than dinner? I should think not!"
"I've lost it again," Holly announced.
"Oh, wonderful," said Rimmer. "Should we form search parties?
Only take us a week."
"No."
Kochanski sighed. "Let's just keep an eye out for it."
"Agreed." Boromir kept one hand on his sword.
"Is the date
still on, then?" Krissie asked.
"Oh, absolutely," said
the last person on Earth Lister would have expected Kochanski to fall for.
"I don't know
what she sees in him," he remarked to Rimmer, who scoffed.
"Must be that big horn of his."
Not a Wicked Strength Lager was safe on Red Dwarf at present. In a way, it was
a good thing. If Gollum had been in full possession of his senses at the time,
he would have gone straight for the Ring, and things would have gotten very
nasty very quickly.
But he liked the taste of this strange drink, and went looking for more.
"My precious feels good." he said, staggering up to the doors
of Parrot's. "We wants more wicked strength lager, yes. Maybe we finds
some here?" Sure enough, a quick search behind the bar yielded at least
three kegs of said lager packed in stasis all bearing the cautionary label DO
NOT LET PETERSEN TOUCH OR SEE.
Meanwhile, Cat was taking matters into his own hands.
"We gotta find you something to wear, bud!"
"Oh God." Kochanski groaned.
Cat started with his own wardrobe, but the guy was a bit too
broad-shouldered to fit into any of his suits. So they tried Ship's Stores.
The first outfit was a green pullover and cargo pants. "Too casual,"
Cat pronounced it.
Next, gray dress slacks and a white shirt. "Too formal."
A blue rugby shirt and jeans. "Uh . . . don't take this the wrong way,
bud, but horizontal stripes make you look fat."
They thought they had found the perfect outfit--blue button-down shirt, jeans,
and black boots--until Cat declared it needed one more little touch. A black
cowboy hat.
"Perfect!"
Kochanski took one look and burst out laughing.
"Hey, hey, hey, you're not supposed to see your date before he picks you
up!" Cat chided her, ushering her out of the room. "Go back to your
room and prepare to be dazzled by his brilliance!"
Lister came in. "Are you almost done with--oh my God."
"What's wrong?" Cat asked. "I think it's a good look for him!
Kind of a Renaissance Marlboro Man kind of thing."
Lister emphatically shook his head. "Cat, Cat, Cat . . . what the smeg are you thinking?"
"Too late now," Cat pointed out. "He'll be
late for his date! Besides, I promised Elfy I'd do him next!"
"Elfy?"
"Yeah, his real name was too long. I'm thinking paisley . . ."
Krissie went back to her room to prepare herself. It's
only a date. You've been on hundreds of dates. Okay, not hundreds, but you know
what I mean. Just an ordinary date, with a sexy, buff, warrior dude . . . who
dies in the second book.**
She looked up into her mirror and gave herself a stern look. But
we won't think about that, will we? And we certainly won't mention it at all.
That could change the whole fabric of history. If any of them finds out what
happens to them . . .
There was a tap at her door.
Back at Parrot's, meanwhile, Gollum was having the time of
his life leapfrogging from table to table and getting tanked out of his skull
on Hansen's Wicked Strength Lager. Had any of the hobbits come across him at
that moment, they could have captured him with the greatest of ease.
"My precious gets down with Rasta Billy Skank!" he shouted as he
pressed several buttons on the club jukebox; within seconds, the entire cafe
was shaking as if an earthquake had hit. And Gollum added to the cacophony by
singing along to the Skanky One's lyrics. Until you've seen a Stoor*** gyrating
to thundering guitar music, singing at the top of its lungs in a state of
nearly total inebriation, you cannot imagine how truly bizarre the universe can
get.
Krissie opened her door. Boromir was standing there in the
cowboy outfit, complete with hat. She was trying hard not to laugh.
"Are we ready, then?"
"I hope so..."
The ship's cinema was rather small, more of a screening room
really. There was a dispenser on the far wall for popcorn and drinks and such.
Krissie and Boromir took their seats in the fourth row. Close to the action,
but not so close that they'd have to crane their necks to see.
"So what happens now?" Boromir asked.
"The lights will go down," Kochanski told him, "and the film
will start."
"And it's just images on that big white thing?"
"Yes, they're nothing that can jump out and hurt you."
"Oh. Good." He settled back into the seat, and sipped his drink. Kris
had got him popcorn and Milk Duds to go with it. She was getting hungry just
looking at it. Being a hologram meant that she didn't have to eat, but it just
wouldn't be a movie without popcorn.
The skutters discreetly took up a seat in the back...
The door at the top of the aisle opened just as the lights went down. Someone came in, and sat down directly opposite Boromir and Kris.
"I don't believe this...." Kochanski groaned.
Lister took no notice of them. He just sat and watched the film.
"Is there a problem?" Boromir asked her.
"Excuse me," she said, sliding out into the aisle.
"I'll be right back."
She crossed over and sat next to Lister. "What are you doing here?"
He looked up. "Watching Casablanca,
what else?"
"You're not here to spy on us?"
"No. Why would I be?"
"Because you're a jealous prat?"
"I am not jealous!" Lister protested. "Why
would I be jealous?"
Krissie was spared having to answer that obvious question by the arrival of Cat
and Gimli, who'd been sent to look for the mysterious visitor whose badly
off-key voice had been echoing off the walls of Parrot's just a few minutes
earlier.
Said visitor was now barreling through Red Dwarf's corridors on Lister's space
bike, giggling insanely (nothing new for him)
as he whipped around corners with reckless abandon."Makes way for
my precious!" he yelled, nearly flattening Stabhim.
"What's up?" Lister asked.
"Unfortunately, very little. Our mysterious visitor is very good at hiding
himself."
"How d'you know it's a he, then?"
Gimli held up a beer-stained copy of one of Lister's Playmates.
"Oh."
"I'm tellin' you, bud," Cat said, "he's sucked down enough lager to get an elephant drunk!"
"Ssh!" Kochanski whispered.
Cat looked over his shoulder. "Where's Elfy? I thought he was right behind
us!"
"Yes,where is he?" Gimli wondered.
The door opened . . . and a terrified Stabhim whizzed through it, followed by Rimmer. "Lister,we'd better break out the bazookoids--our phantom visitor's struck again."
"We're tryin' to watch the film!" Lister
protested.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," said Rimmer, "she gets on the damn
plane and leaves him. There. Happy? Now let's go."
He didn't see four tiny, furry forms sneak past him, in search of free popcorn.
Elsewhere,Gollum was doing wheelies on Lister's space bike in the hallway near Mr.Ackerman's* old quarters."My precious likes this as much as lager."he said with delight.
"Can we go yet?" Rimmer turned, but ran straight
into . . . Elfy.
If the Renaissance Marlboro Man was funny, Legolas' new outfit was downright
hilarious. He wore a blue paisley shirt, a lavender vest (fringed, of course),
green bell bottoms, and white high-heeled boots. His bow was slung over one
shoulder, making him look like some sort of hippie Robin Hood.
"Oh,smeg." Lister sighed.
Cat shrugged. "What? It's a good look for him!"
Just then Aragorn had the misfortune to enter, and Cat pounced on his next
victim. "I got the perfect thing picked out for you, bud!"
"I don't think so!"
Cat jerked a thumb at Aragorn and said to Lister and Rimmer, "What's his problem?"
Meanwhile, the Hobbits were forced to sit in the front row, as it was the only place they could see.
"What's going on?" Sam asked Frodo.
"Someone's stealing my popcorn, that's what." He shot a pointed glance over to his left.
"I beg your pardon?"an indignant Merry demanded.
"You took all my buttered pieces!"
"I did not!"
Between the popcorn argument and the confusion topside, no one noticed the
sound of a space bike pulling up to the cinema doors.
Gollum climbed down from the bike and staggered into the theater.
He heard voices and hit the floor, crawling through the back row until he got to the far side. Then he made his way down front in search of spilled popcorn.
"Mmmm . . . good for my precious."
Kochanski had had just about enough of everyone spying on
her date. "Holly, pause the film," she said.
The action on the screen froze.
"Put me on PA."
"Go ahead," Holly said.
"Right!" Kochanski announced. "Is there anyone else who would
like to come watch us watching a film? Come on, the rest of you may as well get
down here. Not that there's anything to see."
"Was it something I said?" Lister asked Gandalf.
Kryten came in, obviously unhappy. "First you take me away from my laundry duties to run your calculations, then you call me away from that to come and interrupt your date. Women!" He took a seat in the back row and sulked.
"I think she was being sarcastic when she made that call." Rimmer said, rolling his eyes.For a Series 4000 mechanoid, Kryten could be such a stupid git.
"Can we start the film again?" Lister asked. "It's just getting to the good part."
"Hang on a bit, chaps." Holly said. "I've got the intruder's life signs again, and they're coming from somewhere inside the theater . . ."
"Something just crawled across my foot!" Merry
exclaimed, jumping up.
"That was my popcorn, you idiot!" said Pippin.
"Where is it now, Holly?" Kochanski asked.
"I've lost it again."
"Oh, smegging brilliant," Rimmer remarked.
Holly looked put out. "It's hard to get a lock on something when I don't
know what it is! You think you can do any better, you're welcome to try."
Unbeknowst to them, Gollum was sprawled underneath one of the back seat, clutching his head and moaning in pain. "Uhhhhhhhggh . . . my precious feels horrible. We feels like our head is exploding."
"Are we gonna watch the rest of the film?" Lister
asked.
"What about my popcorn?" Pippin demanded.
None of
them noticed a badly hung-over Gollum sleeping it off in one corner.
After the film was over
(mercifully uninterrupted again by anyone), Boromir walked Kochanski back to
her quarters.
"I must say," she told him, "this is the most . . . memorable
date I've ever had."
"I don't think I've ever had one," he said, "so you've got me
there."
"We must do this again sometime."
"Preferably without the hangers-on."
Kochanski nodded and made a mental note to have serious words with Lister.
"Well . . ." They looked at each other a long moment.
Krissie realized that were this a normal date, this would be the point where
they kissed good night. However, since she was a hologram, that wasn't exactly
possible.
"Good night," she said, and slipped inside quickly.
Boromir walked back to the room he shared with Aragorn, humming "As Time
Goes By" without even realizing it.
**Yes, I know it's at the end of the first movie, but i n the books it's the beginning of the second book.
***Gollum's species according to the LOTR books
*Red Dwarf's first officer;he appeared in season 8.
