THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RED DWARF
PART 7
(Additional disclaimer: in addition to not owning RD or LOTR, I also do not own Andrea Bocelli or Enterprise.)
"Don't start, Rimmer." Lister warned his holographic bunkmate.
Rimmer looked up from
his golf program. "I didn't say a word."
"You didn't need to. I know what you're thinkin'."
"Yes, I'm thinking 'I wish Lister would go away and leave me alone.'"
"You know what golf needs?" Lister asked after a moment's pause.
Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Oh, do enlighten me."
"Cheerleaders."
"Cheerleaders? In golf?"
"Well, obviously not when someone's makin' a shot, but when they sink a
really good one, they can all jump up and down and yell."
"And you think this will improve golf?"
"Oh, yeah. All the really popular sports have cheerleaders."
"What about baseball? No cheerleaders in that."
"Well, they have mascots. That's almost as good."
Next door, the Hobbits were apparently doing a jigsaw puzzle by committee.
Kryten did his best to keep things civil, but what had started as an offer of "help" had turned into an argument that ended when Merry accidentally knocked the puzzle to the floor.
"All in all, I'd rather be fighting trolls." Frodo
groaned. He picked up what was left of the puzzle and started out the door.
Alone.
Several hours later Gollum awoke from his lager-induced slumber . . .
He couldn't remember
anything about the previous evening, other than he'd had a lot of fun. Then he
remembered the most important thing.
"The ring!"
Frodo only got about ten feet before being hit with a flying tackle. The puzzle
dropped again and scattered all the way up the corridor.
"Where d'you think you're going?" Pippin demanded. "You're not
supposed to go off by yourself!"
"I'm sick of the arguing!"
"We're just
trying to help!"
"I can do without your help, thank you!" He bent over to pick up the
puzzle pieces and was attacked again.
"Don't you go anywhere without us!" Merry shouted in his ear.
"What are you talking about? I can take care of myself!"
Kryten came running
after them. "Is anyone hurt?" he asked. Then he tripped on a stray
piece of puzzle and fell on top of them.
It was at this moment that Rimmer came along, saw them lying in a tangled heap,
and decided not to ask.
"Kindly get off me now." Frodo grumbled at Merry.
"We just wanted to help," the younger Hobbit sulked.
"You couldn't have found some other way?!"
"Why are you being such a grouch all of a sudden?"
"Boys, boys!" Kryten pleaded.
"I am not being
a grouch!" Frodo protested.
"Yes you are! Is it because of--?" Merry nodded towards the ring's
hiding place. None of them had mentioned it to their hosts, for fear of
endangering them.
"I just want a quiet place to do my puzzle in peace!"
"But you can't be alone!"
"Why not?"
"You know why not," said a voice behind them.
"Well,I'm sorry, Aragorn, but the arguing was driving me mad." Frodo told the ranger bluntly.
"I'm sorry this is so hard on you, but we can't let anything happen to you, especially not now." Their visitor was still unidentified--Holly hadn't even been able to pick up more than a glimpse on the security cameras.
"Where is that little bugger?" she grumbled to herself.
Whoever or whatever he was, he appeared to be very good at
hiding. But they'd find him/her/it, sooneror later.
Meanwhile, something very strange was going on in the Officers' Lounge . . .namely, Gollum looking for the ring.
Stabhim came in to
clean up, got a look at the intruder who was tearing the place apart, and
scooted off to get help.
Unfortunately . . . all he got was ridden again.
Merry rode him up and down one corridor after another, ending up in the Botanical Gardens, where Sam was working on the ornamental hedges.
"Look out!"
Sam pulled Merry off
the skutter, which veered to a stop just inches from the hedges.
"What are you doing? You're not supposed to be riding those things!"
"Says who?"
"Says everyone! Why can't you stay out of trouble for
once?"
"I wasn't getting into trouble!"
"I think the skutter might see it differently."
"No way! He loves going for rides! Don't you, skutter?"
The skutter emphatically shook its mechanical head.
"If you do this again I'll have you locked up," Sam threatened him.
Meanwhile, Gollum found his way into the ventilation system,
and was prowling around the ship.
As it was a big ship, he got very lost very quickly.
"My precious knows not where we is."
Frodo, meanwhile, was attempting to finish his puzzle in Todhunter's old quarters when Holly, who had volunteered to keep an eye on him, picked up a distress signal from outside the ship.
"What is it, Hol?" Lister asked as soon as he got the news.
"Automated distress signal from a vessel just off our
port bow," Holly said.
"Life signs?"
"None. It's an SCS** registry number . . . I'm running it now . . ."
Kochanski joined them. Half her hair had been braided, with blue ribbons at the
ends. Lister looked at her curiously.
"What?" she demanded. "I just wanted to do something nice with
my hair for once!"
"You never braided your hair for me!"
"You never asked me to!"
"Both of you shut the smeg
up!" Rimmer hissed. "Now then, Holly, what have got on that distress
signal?"
"Hmmm . . . it's
coming in now . . . I'll put it onscreen."
Just as she was about to, there was a scream from the next room.
"Okay, okay!" Cat said. "I was just trying to help! Sheesh! All
I said was that piece goes--"
"Cat!" Lister exclaimed. "We're gettin' a distress signal from
another ship!"
"Maybe they can help Short Stuff with his puzzle."
Lister rolled his eyes . . .
A grainy image of a
ship's interior appeared on the monitor.
"This is the SCS Andrea Bocelli
requesting emergency assistance. We are having mechanical failure . . ."
There was a burst of static that drowned out the next few words. " . . .
short on supplies. If . . . Corps ships in the area, please respond . . ."
"So it's not aliens then?" said Rimmer.
" SCS Andrea Bocelli?Never heard of that one, Hol." Lister said.
"Wasn't he a Renaissance painter?" Rimmer asked.
Kochanski sighed in annoyance. "Honestly, Rimmer, you're useless, aren't
you? He wasn't a painter, he was a singer! One of the finest voices of the 21st
century. I have all his recordings myself."
"Why would anyone name a ship after a bloody singer?"
"Beats me," said Lister. "Maybe they're fans."
"Round everyone up," Kochanski ordered. "Everyone. We're forming
a rescue party."
"But Holly said there were no life signs."
She gave him a pointed look. "You'd trust a computer who spent two million
years making silly faces into the mirror just to pass the time?"
"Good point," Lister had to admit.
"Anyway, if there are no survivors, we can salvage what we can from them
and then destroy it."
"Destroy it?" Rimmer asked.
"So no one else can get hold of it. There's some nasty beings out
there--GELFs, simulants . . . who knows what else. We don't want them having
access to our technology."
Rimmer looked down and to his right, as if looking for something. Lister asked
him about it.
"Oh, I'm just looking for the UPN logo. I feel like I've wandered into an
episode of Enterprise
by accident. This isn't the sort of thing we do."
"Well, it is now," Kochanski told them. "General meeting,
Captain's office, ten minutes. Spread the word."
**SCS--Space Corps Service
