THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RED DWARF

PART 8

(A/N: I would like to thank all my wonderful reviewers individually now. If you want to see your name here, you know what to do.

MissCam: yes, it is weird, and about to get weirder.

Wildcardgal: more silliness on the way!

Queen of the Damned: well, some crossovers work better than others, and some you have to make work.

Platypus II: thanks for the praise and we will keep it up!

Chicory Tee: :)

Leap of fate: I'm writing, I'm writing! More should be up within the next 4-5 days, so stay tuned!

TigerBabe: well, as you now know, you were right. Can't beat logic, can we? More fluffiness next chapter!

Linz: we'll do our best to put more Pippin in future chapters.

Iz: as we've learned, lager is a dangerous thing.

Mamfa: we'll certainly keep going as long as you keep reading!

Asteria: oh, come on, Leggy gets all the girls! We'll have him do something heroic, though.

Melboriel: more laughs to come!

Galen Morlome: there's one way to fix that. Get out there and spread the word!

Right, now on with the show!)

"And who the smeg appointed you Captain?" Rimmer demanded peevishly.

"I'm the highest-ranking officer here. That puts me in charge, Mr. Second Technician Rimmer."
She did have a point. Rimmer seethed silently and plotted to get rid of her once and for all.

The entire company assembled in the Captain's Office at the appointed time, though they weren't all happy about it.

Kryten was particularly annoyed with her, grumbling under his breath: "Bossy old trout!"

"Here is our plan," Kochanski announced to the assembled crew. "We split into two teams--one will search for possible survivors, the other will salvage what supplies and equipment we can find."
"Who's on what team?" Lister asked.

"Dave, you and Kryten are with me . . ."

Kryten harrumphed and looked annoyed, but said nothing.
Kochanski had a blackboard on an easel, with "RESCUE" on one side and "SALVAGE" on the other. She wrote her name, Lister's, and Kryten's under "RESCUE." "Who else have we got?"

"Rimmer and Cat."

"I think we should be on the third team," Rimmer said. "The 'stay behind in case it's a trap and they board us while we're away' team. Cat, me, and . . . the chap with the big sword."

Kochanski's expression immediately signalled that wasn't an option.

"I'll go on the Salvage team!" Merry announced. "I'm good at finding things."
"Except lager," Pippin muttered under his breath. The disappearance of the ship's alcohol had been hard on him. He was looking forward to a pint or two, if they ever found one.

On board the Andrea Bocelli,meanwhile . . . the creatures watched and waited. Waited for food to come to them.
The fake-distress-call ploy had worked like a charm. This red one was the fifth such vessel to fall for it, and the occupants of the previous four had made for fine feasts. These ones would prove no different, surely.

Inside Red Dwarf's ventilator systems,Gollum continued to hunt for the ring. He could sense it nearby, but could never manage to come out where it was. The vents were a maze of tunnels, all leading to the wrong places.

"My precious does not like this,yes." he complained. "We hates it."

There was nothing he could do, though, but press on, and hope he found the ring soon.

In the Captain's Office, the final plan had been laid. The Rescue team consisted of: Kochanski, Lister, Kryten, Aragorn (whom Frodo had suggested for his healing abilities, in case there were injured survivors), Gandalf, and Boromir (big surprise there; if Krissie hadn't been a hologram, everyone would have suspected her of getting him onto her team so they could have a quick snog in a corner somewhere). The Salvage team, meanwhile, was comprised of Rimmer, Cat, the Hobbits, Gimli, and Legolas.
"We'll take Starbug," Kochanski insisted, "and split up when we get there, keeping radio contact. Two people, and two people only, on each team will carry a bazookoid."

"Smegging Mary Sue." Rimmer muttered at her behind her back.

Most of the Fellowship preferred to bring their own weapons, so the bazookoid shortage wasn't a problem.
They boarded Starbug and waited while Kryten went through all the preflight checks. To pass the time, they listened to Rasta Billy Skank's Grammy-winning CD, "Headbangin' in Honolulu".
For 3.8 seconds.
"What the smeg is that noise?" Rimmer demanded.

"It's not noise." Legolas retorted. "It is one of the Skanky One's greatest songs."

"Says you, Pointy Ears."
The argument nearly developed into a full-fledged brawl. Fortunately,Lister was there to keep them from tearing into each other.

"Let's save our energy for the people in that ship over there," he said.

Kochanski was in the nav seat when she felt someone come up behind her. She turned and saw Pippin in the seat behind. "Hi," she said.
"Um . . . hi. Your name's Kristine, right?"
"That's right."
"'S pretty."
"Well, thank you." He was really quite cute and charming when he wasn't racing skutters.
He just sat there, looking at her, for so long that she finally asked, "Was there something else?"
"Um . . .yes, actually." He struggled for a moment, then spit it out. "Why're we doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"This rescue thingy."
She launched into the spiel from the Space Corps manual. "It is our duty as Space Corps personnel to render aid and assistance to . . ." She broke off as she realized his eyes were glazing over. "It's only right that we help those people," she offered at last. "They may still be alive."
"If they're not, can we go home?"
Kochanski smiled at that. "We'll take a quick look around first and see if there's anything we can use ourselves."
"Like lager?" Pippin asked hopefully.
Krissie laughed. She hadn't been around for the big drinking binge, but she had heard stories. "Probably not. Now why don't you go back with the others and have a seat? We're nearly there."

"Curse you, Frank Hollister, for bringing that snooty cow on board." Rimmer grumbled threateningly under his breath.

"I can't believe we're doing this," Sam said.
Frodo, who was reading a book (he had long since given up on the puzzle after even Holly tried to throw her two cents in), looked up and said, "What?"

"Going into space."

"It doesn't look all that interesting to me," Frodo said. "Just black with twinkly bits."
"Yes, but we're actually between the twinkly bits! Isn't that amazing?"
"What's amazing is that nobody's found the lager in two days."
"It's a big ship. We'll find it."
"We?" Frodo raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I could use a pint or two, once in a while, in the evenings. I wouldn't go crazy with it or anything . . ."
"We're preparing for docking," Kochanski announced. "Please strap yourselves in and hang on."

"Don't even think about it." Lister said when he saw Rimmer trying to sneak up to the escape pod.

"What? I was just, erm, checking that it's still here."

"Right, Rimmer. Get back in your seat."

Docking was a complicated procedure, but Kryten being the professional that he was, they managed it without a hitch.
Almost.
Rimmer reached for the magazine that had hit him in the back of the head. "Good Things in Small Packages, eh?" Thinking it was a gift catalogue, he opened it . . .
It wasn't a gift catalogue. Not unless you were buying gifts for someone with a leather fixation and very little clothing budget.
"Right, whose is this?" he demanded.

"Smeg, it's not mine." Lister said.

The Hobbits attempted to look innocent, but failed miserably.

"Well?" Rimmer demanded.

"I borrowed it from Dave," said Merry.
"No smeggin' way!" Lister exclaimed in outrage. "I'm not into that!"

"Well, where did it come from, then?"
Lister finally admitted, "I found it in a locker and gave it to them. I didn't know it was that explicit!"
Rimmer rolled up the offensive publication. "I'll just hang on to this, then."

"Pipe down, everyone." Kochanski instructed. "We're on final approach."

Those who were not already strapped into their seats did so now. It was an exciting moment . . . for almost everyone.

Repeating his earlier assessment of Kochanski, Kryten muttered, "Bossy old trout."

"Kryten!" Kris exclaimed. "Just get us over there, and save the comments till we're on board!"
Kryten rolled his eyes. "Yes, ma'am."

Things were going a bit better aboard Red Dwarf. Gollum had finally found his way out of the maze of vents, but as he slithered out into the main corridor, he realized he was on an empty ship.

"My precious wonders where everyone went." he said,shuffling into the drive room. "We not finds anyone at all."

Even the giant head on the wall that had been watching him was gone away.
And the ring . . .
"The ring! The ring is gone, my precious!" Gollum lamented. He curled himself into a corner and cried.

"Almost there now," Kochanski announced.
Holly had provided a view on the cargo-bay monitor, and the Fellowship eagerly watched the new ship grow larger and larger.

The creatures, meanwhile, watched and waited for their meal to arrive.

They were mutant life-forms, results of a genetic experiment gone hideously wrong. For millions of years, they'd thrived on devouring other beings; for the past several centuries they'd lived on Gelfs, humans being scarce. But when they found an entire shipload of human beings, they'd wasted no time setting a trap . . .

It would have interested the party very much to know that these creatures were descended from Orcs. But they would find that out soon enough.

"Holly," Kochanski said, "a little music, please."
The Rasta Billy tape picked up where it had left off.
"Not that music! Something . . . spacey."
Rasta Billy was replaced by the theme from 2001.
"Much better. Are you all okay back there?"

"Yeah." Lister said. "I sure could go for a curry, though."

"I think I'm gonna be siiiiiiick," Sam moaned.
Cat reluctantly handed him a barf bag. "Just don't get it on this suit, OK? This is my third-favorite suit of all time! I let Elfy borrow Number Two."
"Elfy" tried very hard to disappear into the vinyl seat back, but it clashed with the borrowed suit.

Rimmer suddenly noticed that Frodo looked quite agitated. "Are you all right?" he asked. "You're not going to be sick too, are you?"

Frodo emphatically shook his head. "There's something evil on that ship. I can feel it."

"Well, it's a good thing we're armed, then, isn't it?" Rimmer nodded at the bazookoids resting up against the wall. "Evil can't stand up to good old-fashioned firepower."

"This from somebody who runs from his own shadow." Lister said to Gimli.

"Aye," the Dwarf said, raising his axe. "Anything evil on that ship has to go through us first. I'm in the mood for a battle."

So, incidentally, were the creatures aboard the Andrea Bocelli . . . .

Finally, after what seemed like ice ages, Starbug was docked, and Kochanski opened the airlock.
"Now remember, keep in touch every five minutes. Stay alert; this is an alien environment."
"I thought it was an Earth ship," Lister said.
"Well, it was," she replied, "once. Now there could be anything living in here."
At the first main corridor, they split up.
"Good luck," Kochanski said, saluting. Only Rimmer returned her salute, with one of his own, which made him look like he was swatting flies.
"Right," he said, when Kochanski's group was out of sight. "Let's move out."