THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RED DWARF

PART 11

"Are you mad?!!!" Rimmer demanded. "I say let's get the smeg out of here on the double! Who's with me?"

Everyone looked at him as if he'd gone spare.

"Rimmer,we've got to get these guys home." Lister told him."We can't just run off, even if there are a whole bunch of smeggin' orcs out there . . . ."

"Well, you can count me out," Rimmer said. "I'll help organize the goodbye party, but I stop there. I don't hunt anything dangerous."

Kochanski glared at him. "You're coming, and that's an order."
"You can't give me orders! You're dead!"
"Well, so are you!"

Rimmer tried to think of a comeback . . . but all that came to mind was "I know you are, but what am I?" Much too juvenile for a serious conversation.

"We're waiting, Mr. Second Technician Rimmer."

"What, right now? But I'm not dressed for anything dangerous!"

"Kryten, get him a bazookoid."

"But, ma'am--"
"Just do it!"
Kryten stalked off, muttering something about how was a hologram supposed to hold a bazookoid.

Kochanski then looked up at Holly's face on the monitor and said, "Is there any way we can augment this ship's defenses?"

"How? Not a repair shop in miles."

"We can't." Rimmer insisted somewhat smugly. "So it looks like we're going with the retreat option after all."

"How many times do I have to say this?" Kochanski snapped at him. "You are not in--"
A skutter went whizzing by, with someone short in pursuit.
"Come back here! I only want to be your friend!"

The skutter tried frantically to elude Merry's grasp . . .

"Oh, not again!" Kochanski moaned.

Frodo shook his head. "Yes,again."

"Allow me, sirs." Kryten stepped in front of the skutter . . . and kept Merry distracted while the skutter made its getaway.

"What'd you do that for?" Merry demanded.

"You were about to crush the skutter, sir." Kryten said.
"Could we get back to the smeggin' Orcs, man?" Lister interrupted.

"Crush the skutter?" Merry was indignant. "I'm not that heavy! I'll have you know I'm considered downright skinny for a Hobbit! Crush the skutter, indeed!"

Rimmer smirked. "Those things are only sixty pounds!" he said. "You're at least twice that."
"I am not!"

"Are too."

"No I'm not! Am I, Pip?"
"Oh, no. Positively anorexic," Pippin reassured him.

"Smeg," Lister chortled, "you must be jokin'!"

"Said the pot to the kettle," Rimmer snickered.

"COULD WE GET BACK TO THE SMEGGING PROBLEM AT HAND?!!" Kochanski spluttered. "WE-ARE-ABOUT-TO BE-ATTACKED-BY-ORCS!!!"

"I thought they were all on the planet," said Cat. "We don't go to the planet, we don't have a problem."

"'Fraid it's not that simple, chaps." Holly interrupted.
Rimmer rolled his eyes. "What the smeg is the problem now?"

"The window's closing. In about eighteen hours the portal will close, and our chances of finding another one are about the same as finding a clean sock in Lister's laundry basket."

"Could this day get any worse?" Lister said to himself.

Rimmer looked at him. "Never say that, Lister. It could always get worse."

And sure enough, it did, in several stages.
First, one member of the party turned out to be allergic to curry.

Then the scanners went down.

Then Starbug developed mechanical problems that would only just be fixed in time.
It was not a good day.

Frodo decided to have a nice relaxing bath.
Alone.
"Really, I'll be all right. There's no need for you to come in with me."

"But Mr. Frodo, sir . . ."

"Sam, I'll be fine. It's not like anything's going to climb out of the drain pipe and attack me."

"But we're not supposed to leave you alone . . ."

"I think I'll be all right for a few minutes in the bath. Unless it's become a spectator sport."

Neither one of them knew that Gollum was skulking about the access tubes overhead. He was looking for food, but he stopped when he picked up a particular scent.
"The ring!"

He licked his lips and followed Frodo. "Soon the ring comes back to my precious, and we kills stinking Hobbitses, yes!" He cackled insanely . . . .

Frodo couldn't hear Gollum's mutterings over the bathwater running. He stripped off all his clothes . . .

. . . and was horrified to feel Gollum's unseen form pounce on his back. "You gives my precious the ring!" Gollum screamed, lunging for Frodo's throat. "It's ours, and Hobbitses gives it back or we kills them!"