THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RED DWARF

PART 13

The lift's automated service announcement came on. "Welcome to Ship's Lift Number Four Hundred and Seventy-Three. Novadyne Lift Systems thanks you for choosing us today, and reminds you--"
"Yes, thank you, can you just take us to the Medical floor?" Frodo interrupted.

"No need to be rude."

"I'm sorry," Frodo said, not knowing why he was apologizing to a mechanical box, "but we are in something of a hurry."
"You probably won't want the in-lift meal, then."

"Not particularly, no."

"Oh, don't mention meals," Sam groaned.
There was a sudden lurch as the lift started up. A small illuminated sign lit up above them. It said: ENJOY YOUR TRIP.

Sam clutched his stomach.

Just as he thought he couldn't hold on any longer, the lift slowed to a stop.
"We hope you have enjoyed your stay with us. Please remember Novadyne Lift Services for all your--"
Frodo pressed the button and closed the doors on the rest of the speech. "Heaven save us from talking mechanical boxes."

"Now which way is the Medical Unit?"

"Down the hall, first door on the right." Kryten said, escorting his Hobbit charges to the medi-bay.

"I think I'm going to die," Merry moaned.
A lone skutter approached him.

"Hi, skutter."

The skutter inclined its three-pronged head, as if asking what was wrong.

"I'm dying." Merry said.

The skutter looked up at him. It wasn't quite sure what dying was, but it thought it was a bad thing.
It rested its head on Merry's shoulder.

"What do we do?" Legolas asked Lister.

"There must be something we can give 'im."

"You'd better give it to him fast." Rimmer said. "That portal's closing in fourteen hours."

"First we have to find out what's wrong."

"What's to find out?" Merry groaned. "I'm dying."

"I doubt it's that serious."

Merry looked at Kryten with a hurt expression. "Don't you believe me?"

"It's not a question of belief, sir. Ah, the medi-scanner has finished its diagnosis." Kryten shooed the skutter away and read the long strip of machine code. "It seems you have a rather serious allergy to curry."
"A what?"
"Really more of a sensitivity . . ."

Rimmer groaned. "This is just smegging lovely."

"I think the important question," said Aragorn, "is how do we get rid of it?"
"In fourteen hours?" Kochanski added.

"Smeg," Lister said, "we've really got our hands full."

"Is he going to die?" Pippin asked.

"Not if we can help it, Mr.Pippin." Kryten said.

If you could just get him to stop being sick long enough to get him through the portal," said Holly, "that should do."

Kryten turned to Perky and Stabhim. "Can you carry him?"
The skutters looked at each other. Hadn't there been enough of that already?

"Pinky? Bob?"

The door whooshed open (impressively), and Cat rushed in.
"There you are, bud!"

"Hello, Mr.Cat." Merry said weakly.

"Is this a bad time?"
"Yes, I think so," said Rimmer.

Holly took the opportunity to record another log entry.
"Ship's Log . . . um, whatever today's date is. It's your basic good news/bad news situation: we've found a portal so the strange people can go home. It's getting them there that's the problem. Starbug's got some mechanical problems, and one of the short little visitors is sick. I just hope it's not catching . . ."

Gandalf and Lister gazed in concern at Merry.

"Has he ever been this sick before?" Lister asked.

"He's been sick quite a few times before," Gandalf answered, "but not to this extent..."

There was a blip as Holly appeared on the monitor.
"Good news. Repairs to Starbug are going well. Should be ready in about six hours."

"That's the first good news I've heard all day." Rimmer said.

"I think I've found something," Kryten announced.

"Wha'?"

"A possible cure. It's right here in the medical literature."

Everybody except Merry crowded around Kryten.

"The only problem is, we don't seem to have two of the key ingredients."

"What are they?" Aragorn asked. "Perhaps I have them already."

"I have a complete inventory list here, Mr. Aragorn." Kryten said, handing him a list of the ingredients in question.

As it turned out, the ingredients were in his pack, and the two of them set to making the medicine.
Making it was the easy part. Getting Merry to actually take it . . . that was a little harder.

"No. I don't like the way it smells." Merry turned away when Kochanski tried to put the spoon in his mouth.

"But you need to take it, to get better."
"I don't want to."
Kochanski felt like the mother of a five-year-old. "It's good for you."
"You can't make me!"

"Kryten, help . . ."

"Do you want me to hold him down, ma'am?"
Krissie hadn't thought of that, but perhaps there were other ways than force. "If you could just talk to him, maybe . . ."

Merry looked up at Kryten with mournful eyes. "Please don't make me take that horrible stuff, Mr. Kryten, sir . . . .'

"I'm sorry, Mr. Merry, but Ms. Kochanski is right. You do need to take it in order to get well." Kryten hated having to agree with Kochanski ("arrogant cow," he muttered under his breath), but unfortunately it was the only choice at the moment.

Merry reluctantly opened his mouth . . .

The stuff tasted as bad as it smelled. Worse, if possible. It was all he could do to swallow it without gagging. And then there was the question of whether or not it would stay down.

Everybody waited . . .

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" Merry asked.

"We want to see if you're gonna spin your head like that chick in The Exorcist." Cat said.

"Cat!"

"What?"

Lister shook his head. "Never mind."

"Oi, what's happening?" Holly said to Kryten.

"We have just given Mr. Merry his medicine. Hopefully it should begin working soon."
"Good. That little hairy fellow says he's having a hard time with Starbug. Perhaps one of you chaps could go assist him?"

Rimmer emphatically shook his head. "Don't look at me, I'm not going anywhere near that hairy little git."

"I believe I should go," Kryten said.

"Good idea." Kochanski said, checking Merry's pulse.

"Will he be all right, do you think?"

"I hope so."

Cat decided it was time to do another makeover. This time he set his sights on Aragorn.
"I'm thinkin' black," he said, trying to picture whether the ranger would look better in leather or suede.
"Oh, no! Not me! I'm fine the way I am!"

"C'mon, bud," Cat said, "give it a try!"

"NO!"
"Okay, if the outfit's out, can we do something different with your hair?"

(A/N: There will be smegups in the next chapter, so I need some questions from you. What do you most want to know?)