THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RED DWARF
PART 14
"How much longer, Holly?"
"Hmmm . . . oh, 'bout twelve hours and thirty-six minutes." Holly said.
"Plenty of time to have one last drink," said Lister, prompting Kochanski to roll her eyes.
"I think we have more important things to worry about right now than one last bash!"
"Wha'?"
Down in the landing bay, things were going a bit better. Repairs to Starbug were almost complete.
"I see things are going well, Mr. Gimli, sir," Kryten said. "I hope the skutters have been of some help to you."
"That they have, Kryten." Gimli nodded appreciatively.
Two of the reserve skutters were checking the underside of the ship. A third was polishing the windows.
The six reserve skutters didn't have names. Once he found this out, Gimli had given them all Dwarfish names . . . which Kryten found somewhat difficult to pronounce.
"What remains to be done?"
"Well, Mr. Gimli," Kryten said, "perhaps you could do something about the furry dice in the cockpit . . ."
"The what?"
Lister, who'd come down for a progress report, was horrified at what he'd just heard. "Smeg, Krytes, you're not takin' my furry dice away, are you? Those are my lucky furry dice that I've had on every car I've ever owned!"
"With due respect, Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten said, "'lucky' isn't exactly the first word that springs to mind where your furry dice are concerned."
"Okay, so they're a little worse for wear, but I'm
keepin' 'em. It was under those dice that I first made love in a car."
"I'm sure we didn't need to hear that, sir," Kryten said.
Elsewhere, Merry was getting better, but he was reluctant to
take his next dose of medicine.
"No!" he insisted, turning away from the spoon. "It tastes
horrible!"
"But you have to take it!" Kochanski insisted. "I thought we went over this already!"
"C'mon, be good now, Merry!" urged Pippin.
"No, it was bad enough the first time!"
Gandalf came into the medi-bay and said to Kochanski, "What's all this, then?"
"She's trying to poison me!" Merry burst out.
"He's being melodramatic." Kochanski insisted.
Gandalf sighed and came up to Merry's bed. "Why must
you be so stubborn?"
"I don't want to take that ucky stuff!"
"Now, really, Merry, you're being ridiculous about this." Gandalf chided him.
Merry's response to this was to clamp his mouth shut and turn away.
Gandalf, in turn, decided to try a spot of bribery.
"It's such a shame," he said. "I had all this lovely chocolate ice cream, but it seems Merry isn't hungry. Ah, well, I'm sure I can--"
That changed Merry's attitude rather quickly. His mouth seemed to come unclamped all of a sudden.
"How did you do that?" Kochanski asked Gandalf breathlessly.
"Oh . . . a little applied psychology."
Rimmer came to the main hangar to inspect Starbug.
"Very nice," he said. "Very . . . well done. Whatever it is you did." It was obvious by the blank look on his face that he didn't have a clue what had been done.
Gimli decided to have a little fun with him.
As Kryten watched, the dwarf ducked inside the cockpit, where
he pulled a lever . . . and gave Kryten a wink as Rimmer got a little too close
to one of the starboard steam vents.
WHOOSH!
Rimmer screeched much louder than was actually necessary.
A klaxon went off.
"Purple alert, purple alert," Holly announced.
"What's a purple alert?"
"It's not quite as bad as a red alert, but a bit more serious than a blue alert." Kryten explained. "We'd best get up to the drive room and see what's happening."
So up to the Drive Room they went.
"It's those smegging Orcs again, isn't it?" Rimmer grumbled.
"Sort of."
"What do you mean, sort of?" Rimmer was truly getting annoyed now.
"Well, those creature-thingies down on the planet," Holly said, "well . . . um . . ."
"WHAT? Spit it out, you doddering idiot!"
"They've got bazookoids."
"They what?
How in the name of smeg did those slavering monsters get bazookoids?"
"Maybe a Space Corps ship crashed down there--" Lister suggested, but
the others had their doubts about that theory.
"How many more minutes we got, Hol?"
"Let me see . . ." Holly tried to think (which wasn't easy for her).
"Take your time," said Rimmer. He was, of course, being sarcastic.
"Hang on, I'm thinking. It's hard work, thinking."
"What's going on?" demanded Cat, who didn't like having his nap
interrupted.
"We're in deep smeg," said Rimmer.
Cat looked worried. "How deep?"
"Do the words 'get a shovel' give you any clue?"
"Uh, yeah..." the Cat said two seconds before he
ran off.
Kochanski sighed. "Well, he's certainly a big help..."
"Right." Rimmer went into "command"
mode. "Have everyone meet in the hangar bay. Tell our guests to change
back into the clothes they came in . . ."
"Oh, I think he looks nice," Kochanski said. "I don't care if
it's an anachronism, it's a dead sexy one."
Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Oh, spare me . . ."
So the call went out, and the Fellowship assembled one more time in the main hangar.
The skutters, however, were staying far away. They were not anxious to be ridden again . . . although they would have been some help in the battle against the planet-side Orcs.
"C'mon!" Merry pleaded with them. "Just one more ride?"
"The last one ever!" Pippin added.
The skutters looked at each other, then at Merry and Pippin . . .
It was a very short ride . . . but fun for the hobbits.
"Have you got all your gear?" Lister asked.
"Yes, thank the Valar." Gandalf said.
Cat was trying to persuade Legolas to pack the "hippie" gear in his pack. "But it looks so good on you, man!"
Legolas demurred . . . .
Lister passed out the bazookoids. "Shoot to kill," he urged his comrades, "'cause you can bet your last dollarpound they will."
"How d'you work this?" Sam had his pointed backwards.
Kryten corrected the mistake. "It's this button, sir," he said, after he had gotten the bazookoid turned the right way.
Gollum's stasis booth was wheeled out.
"Do we have to bring him?" Frodo asked.
Rimmer rolled his eyes scornfully. "Well, of course you have to bring him, you gimboid. If you go back and he doesn't, it'll smeg up the story right proper. Just make sure you hide all the wicked strength lager when you get back to Middle Earth."
"I don't think we have any, actually."
"Well, whatever the Middle Earth equivalent is, then." Rimmer retorted impatiently.
Kochanski looked at Boromir, not knowing what to say.
She cleared her throat. "Well . . ." she began, and then didn't know what to say after that.
"What is it?"
"I . . . guess this is it. Goodbye."
"I'm afraid so."
"It's been fun."
"Yes, it has."
Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Oh, for smeg's sake...."
Lister glared at him. "Give 'em a moment!"
"Now then . . ." Kochanski said, eyes blinking.
There were a lot of unfinished sentences.
"I . . ."
"Yes?"
"We . . . um . . ."
"Don't . . ."
"Get on with it." an exasperated Rimmer grumbled under his breath.
The planet loomed larger and larger before them.
"ETA, Kryten?" Lister asked.
"Five hours, nineteen minutes, sir."
"Smeg! That doesn't leave us much time to fight our way
to the portal before it closes! We'll have to get in as close as we can."
"Excuse me," Rimmer said. "I thought I gave the orders round
here!"
Lister rolled his eyes. "Fine. Give the order."
"Get in as close as you can," Rimmer ordered.
Kryten, being a Mechanoid, was not programmed for smart-aleck comments.
"Yes, sir!"
Everybody held their breath . . .
Then they all held it a bit too long and gasped for air. "Smeggin' 'ell."
Lister choked out.
Kryten set them down less than a kilometer from the portal site. "There we are, sirs," he said jovially.
"It should be safe," Gandalf proclaimed. "The
noise of the landing probably scared off all the--"
A huge army of Orcs rushed up to intercept them.
"Er . . . never mind."
