Scars of Kismet
Part 4
By Sakata Ri Houjun
~***************~
Tasuki woke alone. At first he dared to think that what had happened last night was merely a dream but the obvious proof was hard to ignore. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that it was just another one of his erotic fantasies, he could smell Chichiri on the sheets, the pillows, and his skin.
He had finally held the man he loved in his arms but he had also been deserted. Did that mean that after what had happened, Chichiri still left? But his friend had confessed to wanting this as much as he. And he certainly did not ask to stop in any way.
A loud peal of thunder startled the bandit and he sat up. One look out the window reminded him of the continuous storms that had besieged Mount Leikaku. And he sat there watching the rain streak along the glass of the window as his mind filled with apprehension, wondering why Chichiri had left.
If in the end that his friend truly did not want him despite last night and was now gone…
But his thoughts were scattered when there came a sudden knock at the door.
"Knock knock. Who's there? It's Kouji. Kouji who? Why, it's only Genrou's best friend and past lover coming to check and see how he's doing. Well then, Kouji, you're welcome to come in since Genrou's feeling a little lonely right now. Thanks. I don't mind if I do."
He opened the door on the last word and poked his head in. Tasuki pulled his knees up to his chest, drawing the sheet up with the motion, and folded his arms on top. He scowled darkly at the sudden intrusion and the teasing undertone in his friend's voice. The redhead was not in the mood for Kouji's little games at this point.
But Kouji chose to ignore the look that Tasuki was giving him, sauntering over to the window and peering outside at the falling rain. "Rough weather we're having, ne?"
"Kouji, what the fuck you want?"
However, Kouji continued as if Tasuki hadn't said a thing. "Nope, not good weather at all. Nobody's gonna get anywhere in this heavy shit."
"Kouji, if you're not going to answer me then get the fuck out. I'm not in the mood."
"Looks like anyone inside this stronghold is gonna be stuck indoors for quite some time still."
"Kouji… Nani?" Tasuki's jaw hung open as his friend's words sunk in.
The older bandit turned around with a sly grin on his face. "You heard me Gen-chan. Nobody's leaving this place with as bad as things are today." He moved over towards the bed and sat down.
"So, Chichiri hasn't left?"
"What do you think?" he returned as he poked Tasuki in the nose. "I think he tried to at the ball crack of dawn, but that's when the rains started to get heavier. Ya gotta love monsoon season."
"So, where is he now?"
"In his room, I suppose. Although I can't really tell since there isn't much activity going on inside." He grinned. "I beginning to think you wore him out."
Tasuki blushed as he hugged his knees tighter. "Kouji…"
"Well, I think just about everyone in the building heard ya, as loud as you two were. Although it was mostly you."
The younger bandit buried his face against his knees and made a helpless whimper of embarrassment. Kouji patted his shoulder in reassurance. "Even though I have a pretty good idea what transpired between you two, I don't know all the details. I think you might have a couple of days to get things set straight. He's not going anywhere."
"Shut up, Kouji," came a muffled reply. "I know."
The cobalt-haired man stood and walked over to the door. "If you love him, Genrou, you need to patch things up."
Tasuki looked up and gave a small smile. "Yeah, I know."
"And I suggest you start now."
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Chichiri felt trapped. He had risen before the sun had climbed in the east with the intent of leaving but again he was held captive by the never-ending storms. Never did he hate the rain as he did today. The monk was miserable as he replayed the prior evening's events over and over in his mind.
Last night, all he knew was that he had to leave Tasuki's room. It was the only answer that could possibly quell his insecure heart. So he had gathered his discarded clothing from the floor and his forgotten belongings that were left in the hallway, and retired to his room, alone.
And though he did not even spare a glance back at the young man to whom he had just made love to, his whole body had felt unnaturally cold and empty. The thunder that rolled through the mountains outside echoed in his heart. Even as he now sat on his bed, attempting to meditate and balance out his ki, Chichiri kept feeling a pull on his essence. And he caught himself standing to return to Tasuki's side. What was happening to him?
A soft knocking on his door attracted his attention. "Chiri?" came Tasuki's whispered voice, laced with fear and uncertainty. Chichiri simply stared at the door and didn't answer.
The knock returned, louder this time. "Chiri, are you in?"
Again, the monk did not reply.
"Chichiri?" he asked one more time without knocking, his voice growing weak with despair. "If you're in, please answer me."
Tasuki was standing before Chichiri's door, staring at it silently and wondering if his breath was wasted on empty air. Even though he had not received a reaction to his inquiry, somehow he knew that his friend was in the room.
He should have known that what had happened last night would have scared his friend. He did take notice, after all, of new emotions raging within the monk's gaze as they made love. Chichiri had stepped on new ground and it had intimidated him.
And what was worse was that he never did find out what had been bothering his friend in all the time since staying here in the stronghold. All he managed to do was perhaps confuse his friend and make the situation more difficult.
But, as Kouji had pointed out, Chichiri wasn't going anywhere and now was as good a time as any to try and handle the situation.
Tasuki loved Chichiri and he wanted him to stay. But he couldn't even begin to find the words to…what? Apologize? To laugh off the whole scenario? What?
He had given his friend the choice last night all the while making it clear that regardless of whatever the older man chose he didn't want him to leave or to hate him. And within his friend's eye, he had seen the longing and need that was as deep as his own as well as the fear.
Who knew what had truly been going through Chichiri's mind last night?
But Tasuki couldn't put it off, not anymore. He spun around and leaned his back against the hard grain of the door, feeling the tears build up in his eyes at the fact that Chichiri was apparently going to ignore him.
"Chichiri, I… Last night, I… When you told me that you were leaving, I didn't want you to… I didn't want you to go. I waited outside and I wanted to stop you." The young bandit hung his head as his voice lowered to a whisper. "It felt like you were pulling away from me and I didn't want to let you go. I…"
Tasuki felt his legs buckle and he slowly slid down to the floor. His eyes closed as tears began to spill.
"I guess you could say that I've…I've always been attracted to you. Ever since you first took off your mask for me that night in Kutou, I… I've always wanted you. I never did want you to know of my tendencies though, but Kouji had screwed that up during the war when he kissed me in front of you."
The redhead laughed dryly as he recalled how when Kouji and the other bandits had saved them from Nakago. After his best friend had pulled him into a dance and he had informed the bandits of their dire situation, Kouji had kissed him quickly to cheer him up. And Chichiri had witnessed the whole thing.
"But you didn't judge me for being that way," Tasuki continued. "I thought it was because you were a monk or that you knew that it wasn't the time to sling insults what with a war going on and all. But once it was over, and you and I were the last, you offered to let me travel with you. I was so happy because it seemed that you accepted me. However, you never did bring up my preferences again.
"It didn't matter though because I was so content. I only wanted to be with you. Not like last night, but…just being in your presence was enough for me. I…" he faltered as a shudder overtook his frame and he sniffed.
Chichiri slowly approached the doorway and he stared at the carved pine as he placed a hand on the wood. The monk hung his head as he listened to his friend pour out his heart to him.
"Had I known that this would have happened… I would have let you go a long time ago if I knew that you were going to shut me out like this. I wouldn't… I don't know why you tolerated me for so long." He laughed again as he scrubbed his eyes with his sleeve.
"Since you've stayed here, you've only gotten sadder. I… I only wanted to make you happy again. But so much for that, huh? I mean, look where my 'good intentions' got me last time, nearly raping Miaka and attempting to kill myself. Except this time, I ain't possessed by some demon only speaking from my heart. And it hurts." Tasuki's voice wavered as he continued to speak.
Chichiri was now kneeling before the door, head still hung and a painful tightness about his chest. He pressed his forehead against the unyielding pine, feeling the grain bite into his skin. He didn't want to hurt his friend, not this way. But what could he do to alleviate this?
"It hurts that you're shutting me out like this and ignoring me, but I can't really blame you. And I don't have any regrets. I…don't. I… If I had a chance to do this all over again, I'd do exactly what I did. And even if it means that you hate me forever… Or if you think that I took advantage of you in any way… I…"
He paused and took in a deep breath. "I wouldn't change a damn thing about last night. I still would have kissed you, touched you, and made love to you…. And you can't stop me from saying it.
"I would promise the stars themselves if it meant that you would stay, if it meant that you would smile at me. And even if you can't return my feelings at least let me know that you don't hate me for what I did."
Tasuki buried his face in his hands. "Gods, Chichiri…" he sobbed.
Chichiri felt his own eye tear up as he closed it tightly. Every word that Tasuki had spoke stabbed into his heart like a knife, ripping open deep wounds that continued to bleed. Tasuki's sobs were like salt being rubbed into those wounds and the older man's tears fell freely as he listened.
"Tasuki…" he breathed.
But the bandit did not hear him. Instead, he looked up as he sniffed again. "I know you're not listening. I'm just making an ass of myself in front of your door. I guess it is true that people do crazy shit when they're in love."
Chichiri's eye snapped open. Tasuki didn't just merely lust after him, but loved him? So, every word that was spoken last night, every gesture made and heartfelt caress, had been genuine? It wasn't some mere primal instinct or just that he was attracted to him? Throughout all their travels to last night, Tasuki had loved him? And the impassioned speech that Tasuki had spoken suddenly took on a deeper meaning.
It was as if the monk's sight had suddenly cleared up, as if he could see with unclouded vision to a profound understanding. And that was the answer. That was what he was missing.
Tasuki had to have been a fool to want to fall in love with him. And he knew that he was an even greater fool for ignoring that fact. And he smiled bitterly, realizing that he was undeserving of any such emotion that Tasuki might feel towards him.
"Tasuki…" he said again, even louder than before, but there was no answer. Chichiri stood and opened the door only to find the hallway empty as if the voice he had heard speaking the sorrowful words was nothing more than a phantom of his own despair.
It was just as well. Tasuki deserved so much better than he. Kouji or someone else, but not a weary and shattered man such as himself. The younger seishi didn't deserve the pain he was responsible for causing him.
And he closed his door, deciding it would be best for him to depart regardless of the weather and leave his friend behind. Forever.
