Scars of Kismet
Part 5
By Sakata Ri Houjun
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Kouji wiped away his tears as he leaned against a wall father down the passageway. "I must have been blind to have not seen this happening."
Ever since his best friend had returned to the stronghold, he had noticed little things about Tasuki that made him different from the Genrou he knew. And yet, Tasuki had acted as if nothing was wrong. So, Kouji had assumed that things would eventually return to normal. But there was always that unfamiliar emotion sliding behind his friend's eyes every time he got intimate with him.
"I must have been a fucking baka to not have noticed this." He smiled through his tears.
After informing Tasuki that Chichiri was stranded for the time being, he had followed his friend silently to the monk's door and hid. He had wondered how this was going to play out, speculating if his friend's emotions were well placed or if it were a mere attraction, no different than the relationship he had shared with Genrou.
But listening to his friend's emotional speech and him crying brokenly like he did…
He had never heard Tasuki cry that way before, never knew such words even existed inside the younger man's heart. And he had shed tears with him, wishing that he could run out there and comfort his friend. But he wasn't what Tasuki needed. It was Chichiri's embrace that would soothe his heart and warm reassurances that would bring a smile to his face.
But the monk had stayed quiet behind his shut door, seeming to ignore Tasuki as he had laid his heart bare. Finally, after his sobbing had subsided, Tasuki stood and left. Kouji thought for a moment that the older man was cold and cruel to simply disregard him like that. But then he heard the door open and Kouji peaked around the corner to watch as Chichiri looked up and down the hallway.
And he noticed the tears on his cheeks. So, the monk wasn't so callous as to not be affected by Tasuki's words. But after a period, Chichiri retreated back into the seclusion of his room and Kouji made a discovery about himself. He had loved Genrou and always would, and more than that he would be willing to do anything to ensure his best friend's happiness even if he was no longer Genrou.
Without any other belief in his mind, Kouji charged from the shadowed hallway and straight up to Chichiri's door. Lacking in his usual pretense, he busted the door open, not caring if he broke the door or if Chichiri was in the way.
The cerulean-haired seishi stood in shock at the abrupt entrance of the younger man and the evident anger in his green eyes. And he clutched the shimmering blue cloth of his kesa as Kouji advanced on him. Once he was toe to toe with the older man, Kouji grabbed him by the shoulders in a fierce grip and shook him roughly.
"K-Kouji-kun?" Chichiri inquired with fear etched into his voice
The bandit met that fearful look and grit his teeth as he remembered Tasuki's words. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"
"K-Kouji?"
"How can you sit in here and ignore Tasuki like that? I thought you were supposed to be the compassionate one! You damn selfish bastard! Are you so fucking insensitive? Do you not have a damn heart at all?" The cobalt-haired bandit shoved the monk away in detestation.
Chichiri squeezed his eye shut and bowed his head in shame as he wrapped his arms around himself. "I suppose I don't then if that's how you view me."
Kouji narrowed his eyes as the monk sank onto the covers of his bed. "I thought as much," he muttered angrily as he crossed his arms. "Gen-chan deserves better than the likes of you."
"I agree, Kouji," Chichiri whispered in defeat as more tears slid down his cheeks. "I'm not worthy of him."
"Unfortunately, though, it's Tasuki that loves you and he can't change that. None of us can." The bandit's voice took on a softer tone as he sighed. "You can never chose who you love."
The older man looked up at his words. "But I'm incapable of love, Kouji. I think I only have a perverted lust to offer him at best. I may be what he thinks he wants, but not what he needs."
Kouji shook his head. "You're exactly what he needs and if you feel that strongly about yourself, then perhaps what you feel towards him runs deeper than you realize."
Chichiri averted his gaze then as he pondered Kouji's statement. "I don't know what to tell you, Kouji."
"It's not what you can tell me, but what you can tell Tasuki."
"And what am I supposed to tell him?"
"How about the god-damn truth?" he snapped.
"And what would that be?"
"Well, for starters, you could tell him how you feel!" Kouji shouted in frustration.
"I can't," Chichiri whispered.
"How so?"
"I don't know how I feel. How can you tell someone how you feel if…"
"Tasuki loves you," Kouji intoned flatly after a slight pause. "How he can love someone like you, I don't know. Ever since he got back, I've been listening to him go on and on about how wonderful a friend you are." He laughed harshly and shook his head. "I wonder who it really was that he was talking about since it certainly wasn't you."
Kouji turned to leave, his anger vented momentarily but his mind nowhere at ease. But there wasn't anything else he could do except walk away before he killed the monk. Not that it would be such a bad idea, but Tasuki would have his balls on a plate.
"Kouji-kun…"
The young bandit turned upon hearing his name and perceived that the monk's eye was shimmering with so much guilt that he regretted reacting the way he did for a moment.
"Does Tasuki truly love me?"
"You heard it yourself, didn't ya? I haven't seen him act this way before. You're damn lucky to have his affection."
Chichiri closed his eye and his body visibly relaxed. "Arigatou," he murmured as Kouji left, closing the door behind him.
And then the monk began to mull over his thoughts. The images of last night swirled around with both Tasuki and Kouji's words. And added to that was everything that had happened before then to bring him to this moment. And he knew that it had been wrong to ignore Tasuki, to push the younger man away after all that had happened.
Chichiri rolled up his sleeve to gaze at his scars once again as he pondered these things. And then a new thought occurred to him as he tried to recall the last time he had cut himself. It had been right before meeting the Suzaku no Miko and the other seishi, hadn't it? He had been so preoccupied at the time with his duty that he didn't have time to really dwell on his loneliness and pain. But after that…?
His duty had long been finished and he had suffered even more loss because of it. Yet, why hadn't he regressed to that particular habit? Because he wasn't truly alone. He had Tasuki to travel with him, his warm presence a refreshing change that allowed the monk to forget the solitude he had grown accustomed to. And he had enjoyed every moment of their time together even though it wasn't always peaceful.
And he realized he never did see the most obvious fact that had been raging within his heart all this time. Why had he followed Tasuki here? Why had he tolerated the bandit's presence with his bad habits and annoying quirks with a patience he had never known before? Why had he remained here even after proclaiming on several occasions that he was leaving?
The answer was simple. Somewhere along the way, since meeting Tasuki, he, himself, had fallen hard for the younger seishi. An emotion that went beyond the mere curiosity of sex or relief for the pang of loneliness that had caused him to hurt himself in the past was what had him connected so deeply to Tasuki.
And he had lost so much belief in himself that he hadn't dared open himself up to the possibility of actually falling in love again. After losing his beloved long ago, he had given up on love, closed himself off to the emotion. But Tasuki had reawakened it within himself even though he hadn't been aware of it all this time. And he had forgotten his pain…until now.
The true source of his misery had lain not within the walls of the stronghold, but beyond it. The possibility of leaving this place, of losing Tasuki, became a heavy burden on his heart that was painful to bear. He now knew that if he had separated himself from Tasuki like he had intended, then he would have certainly regressed to his old way of life. He would have eventually grown bitter and resentful in his loneliness and perhaps would have ended up killing himself, unable to stand the suffering. And perhaps he would still have ended up that way if it hadn't been for the young redhead.
Tasuki loved him. Him. A monk with a broken past and no stability, a wanderer who had nothing to offer him except his scarred heart. And he had already given it away to the younger seishi, hadn't he? He didn't know when he had, but it was true. And Tasuki had presented his own, accepting and wanting him as he was.
And Chichiri felt the muscles of his face pulling into a gentle and genuine smile. The first he'd had on his face in a long time.
