Broken Promises And Broken Minds

I remember a lot of my childhood was spent with Zane by my side. Zane had a wicked little sense of humor that always cracked me up. He'd make jokes about Max and Jondy that would send me into convulsions. I remember once, during a game of escape and evade, he snuck up behind Jace and pinched her bottom. She screamed so loud.

I haven't seen Zane in going on eleven years.

And I remember that sometimes Krit would join Zane and I. He would sneak up on little Syl and scare the poor little one. I think Syl broke his wrist once, but it was still funny as hell to watch the dark eyed child run screaming from his younger sister.

I saw him once. I watched him on the feed from the security cameras when he took down the lab.

I can't forget Khalid. He was such a little joker back then, forever putting frogs into Tinga's boots. She used to get so mad at him, tried to hit him. He'd come to me and Finn's for protection.

One day…I couldn't protect him.

Ben was a good guy too. His stories always made me think. That boy would have made a great con-artist. He convinced me to pull out three teeth to make the blue lady stronger. He was great, a good friend all in all.

I still can hear them talking, him and Max.

Don't leave me here. Don't let them take me.

Ben, I can't carry you. We'll both get caught.

I know.

Ben, I can't.

Please. You know what they'll do to me. They'll put me down there with them...the Nomolies. Please.

Tell me about the Good Place.

Where no one ever gets punished.

And no one gets yelled at.

And nobody disappears. And when you wake up in the morning, you can stay in bed as long as--

I can't get those voices out of my head. If I had gotten there five minutes earlier I could've stopped Max and saved Ben.

And then there was one more little X5 who I miss. Khalid. Khalid was one of the younger X5's, like Adam or Max. He liked to smile a lot. His smile was intoxicating, it made you want to be happy.

I remember one night, when I was eleven and he was nine, Adam came back in from her regular talking to by Lydecker. She looked so sad and lonely that Khalid felt compelled to comfort her. He walked over and wrapped his arms around the little girl, and started humming.

All the others walked over to listen to him hum. Soon after, he stopped humming and started singing. We all sat listening to him and wondering how someone so wonderful could be stuck in a hellhole like Manticore. I remember the look in Adam's eyes fade to one of adoration and love. She did love him. Adam loved Khalid.

I only wonder if she still loves me after I failed him.

Khalid was a sweet little boy. He was always there for all of us, even when others weren't. When Finn was got hit with the butt of Zack's gun, Khalid comforted him. When Trigs got the shakes, Khalid was there.

And when Khalid needed me, I wasn't.

I remember the night of the escape. We were all so scared. I remember the blank look on Trigs' face as Eva fell, and I remember running as fast as I could. The window didn't hurt when I dove through it. I knew what I had to do.

I can still feel Khalid's fingers clutching my own as we ran through the woods. He was the one I was supposed to care for. I held on to him SO tight I left little marks on his hand. He looked so small that night, his face full of fear and confusion.

We crossed paths with Cree and Adam that night. The four of us huddled in a tree as snowmobiles went past. Khalid held onto Adam's hand as Cree held her tight. Her words that night haunted me.

Don't feel upset Dragon. It won't be your fault.

But it was my fault.

After we left the tree, the sound of tazers rang out. Adam and Cree were caught and dragged back with Trigs, Frankie and Dragon. I kept running till I got to the fence.

I don't think I can make it Dragon.

Yes you can Khalid.

Dragon, they're coming.

Just go Khalid. I'll be right here for you.

NO! We'll die.

I won't let you die Khalid. You'll make it. I promise.

Everyday of my life since then I regret saying those words. You won't die. You'll make it. I promise.

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

I promise…..

I PROMISED!

Everyday I say to myself it wasn't my fault. I was high on adrenaline and didn't hear the snipers coming. I never would've dreamed they'd shoot to kill. I expected less. I never heard the shot that rang out, killing my brother.

All I could hear was the sound of those words over and over in my head. You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

If I could take back those words I would. Khalid fell from the fence just as he was getting over. I Took off into the air, but was hit with a tazer. I remember shaking as Khalid called out for his family.

Adam? Adam help me! Max? Zack? Tinga? ANYONE? PLEASE! HELP ME. It hurts so bad. It hurts! I'm hit! PLEASE! Finn? Frankie? Trigs? Zane? Ben? Krit? SYL? JONDY? DRAGON? CREE?

Khalid?

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

Dragon? Dragon it hurts! Dragon it hurts…It hurts…so…

Khalid? KHALID!

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

Damn it all. He didn't make it and it was all my fault. If I hadn't tried to leave he wouldn't have died. I wasn't strong enough to save him. I should've been the one left to die in the snow, not him. I was the one who should've been hit.

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

I broke my promise. I broke my fucking promise to my baby brother and he DIED! If I wasn't such a fucking weakling he would've lived. I might as well have been holding the gun with all the trouble I caused him. I killed him.

And all I can hear in my head when I'm by myself are those little words.

You'll make it. I promise.

You won't die. I promise.

I have someone else to protect now. Little Adam needs my help. I watch over her like a hawk. No one will get her. I won't let them. I will lay down my life for her. Khalid would've wanted it that way.

And I don't promise anything anymore.

Cause I'm too fucking weak to keep the promises.

Authors Note: My muse spoke to me and told me that these characters are meant to be deranged. Sorry I lied when I said that I was doing Finn next. It started like that, but ended like this.