Chapter 2 -- Why?

Mel woke up first and quickly sat up, pulling herself out of Cole's embrace and feeling guilty even though nothing had happened. She had not meant to fall asleep. Not exactly, anyway. She had just wanted to rest her tired eyes for a few minutes while enjoying Cole's presence. Now it was dark outside her window's half-opened shutters, so she had obviously been out for some time. At least Cole had not woken up first.

Damn... Mel thought as his eyes drifted open.

He looked up at her and smiled. "Hello..."

"Um, hi, Cole..." she said, trying to smile and sound cheerful.

"You feeling okay, Mel?" he asked, sitting up and examining her closely. She was wearing a very forced smile and her cheerful tone did not ring true. "Is something wrong?" he asked, caressing her throat. She was beautiful when she first woke, even with that strained expression.

She shook her head, debating whether or not to pull away. The part of her mind that she was growing to hate won, and she smiled at him, closing her eyes and enjoying the feel of his warm hands on the sensitive skin of her throat. His touch left her heart pounding and her head spinning. It was like a rush, a drug, addictive, exhilarating... soothing. She knew it was wrong, knew that she was taking advantage of Cole, but she felt powerless. As badly as she wanted to be completely honest with him, it was a losing battle. More and more, she found herself just wanting to let Cole lead the way, to just give in to his delusion of what they were. As wrong as she knew it was, though, a very large part of her mind simply did not care. Or maybe she had stopped thinking with her mind?

She opened her eyes and quickly slid off the bed, backing towards the door. "I need to... downstairs... help Gwen..." she muttered, flustered. Great, now I'm talking like Yoda!

"Mel?" Cole asked, frowning in confusion. What was wrong with her? Why was she acting like this? It was mystifying. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked, rising and approaching her.

She abruptly found herself wedged between the nearly-naked Cole and a wall with no good way to pull away without hurting his feelings. She shook her head quickly. "No, Cole. You didn't do anything wrong..." she assured him gently. She reached up to touch his chest reassuringly, but changed her mind and dropped her hand, wincing at Cole's hurt expression. "I'm just... there's a lot going on with me... with us right now."

She smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring way and ducked away, fleeing to the relative safety of downstairs. She stopped about half-way across the bar floor as it occurred to her that Cole might follow her, exactly as he was, into the crowded bar. Horrified, she turned and hurried back towards the apartment, stopping Cole just as he started to come out, dressed, as she had feared, only in his underwear.

"Mel, I think we need to talk..." he said softly.

He was confused and more than a little hurt by her behavior. Sometimes she acted as though she craved his touch, the rest of the time, as though it was abhorrent to her. It was hard to understand, the rejection that much harder to take because it was not constant. When she allowed him to touch her, he could see the love, and the want, in her eyes. The rest of the time, there was only fear and confusion... and something that looked a lot like shame. None of it made any sense, and he wanted, needed to understand.

"Not right now!" she hissed, glancing down at him. "And not like that!" She realized that her voice was rising and lowered it, pushing him back up the stairs before anyone saw him. Anyone else, she amended, noticing that Gwen was staring at them with an unreadable expression. "Cole, I've got a bar full of people out there... You can not be walking around in your underwear!"

"I'm sorry, Mel..." he said softly, reaching for her throat only to have her duck out of his way.

It occurred to him that she had given him this lecture before. He could not remember exactly what she had said, only that she had walked him up the stairs and shoved clothes into his hands.

"You need more help than I can give you..."

What the hell was he doing running around the bar in nothing but his underwear anyway? He shook his head in confusion. Predictably, it had begun to ache again.

"I'm sorry, Mel..." he repeated sadly. "I didn't mean to make you angry."

"I'm not angry with you, Cole..." she muttered, aware that she was about to start crying. "It's this whole insane situation..."

"Please don't be sad..." he whispered, frowning in concern. He reached for her throat again, but dropped his hand, remembering her earlier reaction.

Mel sighed. "You wear clothes whenever you aren't in bed or in the tub, okay, Cole?" she said firmly but gently, turning and walking back into the bar.

Cole stared after her with a sigh, shaking his head and leaning against the wall. What was happening to them? Why was she acting this way? Why was he? Rubbing his forehead, he walked up the stairs and pulled his clothes on, his skin resenting the feel of the fabric after its previous freedom.

"Feel strange..." he protested as she made him get dressed again.

He shook his head in confusion and walked into the bathroom, helping himself to several aspirin. What a bizarre thing to say. Hell, what a bizarre way to behave. No wonder Mel was so frustrated with him. He was rapidly growing frustrated with himself. He needed someone to talk to... In the past, he knew instinctively, that person had always been Mel. So who was he supposed to talk to now? Who would understand?

He considered for a few moments. He did not get the impression that he had many friends. Mel, maybe Gwen, but that was it. Gwen... Why not? They were friends, or, at least, got along well. Mel had said so. Besides, there was something about the girl that was very familiar, like an old friend or a favorite place to visit. And she knew Mel as well, which actually made her a very good person to talk to. Shrugging, he started down the stairs.

Gwen saw him and immediately walked over to him, filling a glass with seltzer-water and handing it to him. The bar was quiet enough, especially now that Mel was helping, to allow her to linger. "This'll help your stomach-ache."

He frowned uncertainly. "How did you know my stomach hurts?"

She smiled. "Your face is an open book." Noticing his confusion, she explained, "Um... your expressions are very easy to read. They tell a person a lot. Drink up."

He smiled and took a cautious sip. Water with bubbles. Interesting. "Thank you."

"Penny for your thoughts."

He glanced quizzically at her.

"What's on your mind, Mister Hauser? You seem troubled."

"I am..." He shrugged. "Mel's upset with me."

Gwen smiled faintly. "Next time, get dressed before you come downstairs. That will help a lot."

He nodded slowly. "I got that."

She sighed gently. "Yeah. Um... she's under a lot of stress, you know? She was really worried about you. Still is."

"I know..." He closed his eyes, frustrated. "How do I change that?"

"You get your memory back."

"But I can't..." he protested. "Every time I try to, I get a headache..."

"Hey, we'll get you around that... Try not to worry so much." She looked up as a patron waved his hand at her. "Tell you what, I'll be in early tomorrow. We'll talk some more then. No interruptions." She smiled reassuringly and patted his hand. "Sound good?"

"Yes." He smiled back. "Thank you for listening, Gwen."

"Hey, I'm a bartender. It's what I do." Grinning at him and gently patting his hand, she hurried to help the customer.

Cole stared after her and finished his drink. It really was helping his stomach. He saw Mel glancing at him and smiled at her. She smiled back and started towards him, but was called away before she made it. Shrugging, Cole rose and walked back upstairs. His headache was really getting intolerable, so he stripped again and curled up on the bed.

***

"So, um... what were you and Cole talking about?" Mel asked Gwen in what she hoped was a casual voice as the two women closed for the night.

"Oh, he was worried that you're upset with him over..." She nodded towards the stair-well. "You know..."

"Oh..." Mel nodded, relieved that Cole had not said anything to arouse any suspicion from Gwen. Come to think of it, Gwen was never one to ask very many questions at all, no matter what odd behavior Cole might be engaging in at a given time. Which, Mel supposed, was really just as well. "So... you told him I wasn't, right?"

She nodded. "I told him you're just worried about him." She glanced up at Mel. "He's worried about you, too, I think. He's scared, and he seems so sad..."

Mel sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I know. It's... hard, Gwen."

She nodded. "I'm not sure he knows exactly where he stands, Miss Porter, and I think it's got him worried."

"Yeah. I'll let him know where he stands just as soon as I figure out where I stand..." Mel muttered.

"He needs to know that you're still there for him, no matter what..." Gwen said softly. "As hard as this must be for you... think what it's got to be like for him..." She sighed. She felt so sorry for both of them. She might have trusted in fate, but she also knew that it had a sick, twisted sense of humor. This seemed just another example. "Night, Miss Porter..."

"Night, Gwen."

Mel sighed as she watched the girl go. Gwen was right, though. Cole needed to know that Mel would always be there for him. No matter what. It would have been nice if she could have believed the same about him. Shaking her head, she walked upstairs, changing in the dark rather than risk waking Cole. She climbed gingerly into bed, reminding herself firmly to stay to her side.

They were going to have to sit down tomorrow and have a nice long talk. She was overdue to tell him everything, anyway, should have done so in Alaska instead of waiting one minute. It was too late to remedy the damage that that decision had caused, but it was not too late to prevent further damage from being done. She hoped. Most important right now was getting Cole's memory back before Zin found out about his condition and tried to take advantage of the situation.

Zin... Mel sighed. That man had taken everything from Cole in the past few months, tried even to take Mel herself. What hurt worst for Cole, Mel suspected, was the betrayal of his trust. It was a hard enough thing for a Cirronian to understand in the first place, and, though Cole never spoke of it, she suspected that they had been friends before, which had made the betrayal that much more difficult for Cole.

Mel sighed in the darkness, hating Zin for all the things he had done to Cole. "Sleep well, Cole..." she whispered, wiping tears from her eyes.

Poor Cole had lost so much in his life. His memory was just one more thing that had been ripped away from him. And she was not helping in the least she realized, the thought borne on a wave of self-disgust. Here he was, struggling to find himself, and she was allowing him to continue believing in a lie. That almost seemed to make her friendship as much a lie as Zin's had been... The thought was unbearable to Mel, and reaffirmed her decision to tell him everything just as soon as they woke up in the morning. It was, after all, long overdue. She could only hope that Cole would understand why she had waited so long.

***

Cole gradually returned to consciousness, for a long time too exhausted to move. What finally roused him was the awareness that the woman next to him was in obvious distress. She was tossing on the bed, muttering in her sleep, protesting something with increasing vehemence. Cole sat and stared, uncertain how to react. No memory, nothing he knew, gave him any frame of reference for handling this situation.

Still, when she awoke with a start, calling out his name, he knew exactly how to react. Murmuring soothingly, he gathered her into his arms and held her trembling body tight against his chest, rocking her.

Shaken by the nightmares, the same ones that had kept her up after Cole had gone missing, Mel buried her face in his chest with a strangled sob and wrapped her arms around him. She was so grateful that he was there to hold her and whisper that everything was going to be okay that she forgot that she was trying to keep physical contact with him to a minimum. Anyway, this could not hurt. This was comfort, pure and simple. Even so, though, she knew that it should not be allowed to last for too long.

She pulled away and smiled at him in the darkness. "Thank you, Cole..."

"Do you have bad dreams like this often?" he asked, concerned.

She shook her head. "No. This is... not normal for me."

In fact, Mel had never in her life experienced a nightmare until... She paused to think. Right, Cole's capture by the government. It had been hard to get any sleep at all for three or four days after that, but the dreams had stopped as abruptly as they had started. Only to start up again after the seminar, images of Cole hanging lifeless from those chains... and they had only gotten worse after he had gone after Ansen and then vanished.

"Not normal at all..." she assured him quietly in the darkness. "I think I've just been so worried lately..."

"Well, you don't have to be worried any more, Mel..." he told her gently, caressing her throat. "I'm here now, and I will never leave you."

Mel sobbed again at that quiet reassurance. "Don't say that!" she snapped, rising abruptly.

If she had, for one second, believed the truth of that statement, she would have taken Cole in her arms and made love to him until morning. The problem was that Cole would leave her one day. They both knew it, and it hurt. If he had been in a different state of mind, he would have known it too, and never said anything like that to her. What hurt worst was not her own pain, but the knowledge that, if Cole truly felt as he believed he did, the inevitable would be that much more difficult and painful for him.

"Mel, I don't understand!" Cole protested, following her as she fled the room. He felt so frustrated. What had he said to upset her so much? 'I will never leave you'? Why would that upset her, though? He shook his head in confusion, following Mel down the stairs and into the dark, empty bar. "Mel, please!"

She turned to look at him, tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Cole. I can't do this right now..." She shook her head, furious with herself for being so damned selfish. "I just can't deal with this right now."

"But I don't understand..." He sighed and walked up to her, gently wrapping his hands around her arms. "Mel, help me, please..." He stared into her eyes, desperate for answers. All he saw was sorrow. "What did I do?"

She sighed and shook her head. "It isn't anything you did, Cole. It's just..." She shook her head, too tired, too frustrated, too confused to think clearly. "Can we talk about it in the morning?"

"Why can't we talk about it now?" he protested.

"Because we're both very tired and neither one of us is in a great state of mind for this."

He sighed and stared at her in confusion. "Mel, what's wrong? Is... is there something wrong? With us?"

Mel sighed. She was feeling far too confused to explain now. She could not even convince herself of an answer, one way or the other. She was exhausted, still on the verge of tears from her dream, emotional from everything that had happened since she had woken up, and likely to go into hysterics the first time anyone so much as looked at her sideways. Trying to explain anything to Cole in her present state of mind would do much more harm than good.

"Can we talk about it in the morning, Cole? Please? I will tell you everything then, but I can not do this tonight."

He frowned in confusion, but nodded. "Yes, Mel. Can we go back to bed now?"

Mel found herself debating whether to sleep on the couch, but she was too tired and too emotional to answer the questions that that would have raised. She nodded weakly and let Cole lead her back up the stairs. As they walked, he wracked his brains for some clue as to what could be causing this reaction in her. She seemed so sad. How could she be sad that he loved her? He searched his memories, trying to force new ones until the pain became unbearable. He groaned and grabbed onto the railing for support.

"Cole?" Mel asked, alarmed. She reached out and slid her shoulder under his arm, supporting him the rest of the way up the stairs and into the bedroom. "Are you okay?" she asked as she laid him out on the bed. "What happened?"

"Headache, Mel."

"I'll get you one of those pills, okay?" she offered gently.

He nodded and smiled weakly at her. "Thank you, Mel."

Mel rose and walked into the bathroom, helping herself to a sleeping pill before she got a pill and a glass of water for Cole. She walked into the bedroom and helped Cole into a sitting position long enough to take his pill. Her mind was racing, her previous concern over what to tell him replaced by more immediate worry over the pain he was in and what she could do to help him. She sat on the edge of the bed with him for several minutes, lightly caressing his forehead and murmuring soothingly to him until he fell asleep.

Then, sighing, she walked around the bed and dropped onto it herself. " You poor baby..." she whispered in the darkness, staring at the sleeping man. Sleeping alien, she corrected herself, her mind, now that she was sure he was comfortable, turning back to the task that lay before her.

Sleeping alien... Which was, she supposed, as good a place to start as any. She sighed again, watching him sleep, looking so innocent, so gentle. Would he believe her? Did he want to know the truth? What would she do if he did not believe her? Would simply telling him, whether he believed her or not, be enough to restore his memories?

The thoughts tripped chaotically through her mind until she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.