8:50 P.M.
Wednesday 16 May
Odaiba High - Gymnasium
Matt
I couldn't believe it. I couldn't fucking believe it.
I stared out into the crowd of teenagers at my feet, all having their own problems and their own agendas - for I was sure that every single one of them on that dance floor had their own story to tell - but all that was in my mind was the young couple forty feet away from me, in an embrace so heartbreaking to me that I thought I would stop playing entirely and drop my guitar right then and there.
And, surprisingly, that's exactly what I did.
They kissed. They had kissed. They were kissing, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It was a beautiful thing, really: Sora looked so delicate there in the dim lights of the dance, and even from so far away I could see her eyes flutter closed with anticipation and her lips met his. I even thought I felt her breath of relief and excitement blow despairingly in my face, as she smiled unabashedly at her date.
I wanted that to be me. I wanted to be the one she liked to smile like that for. I wanted to be the one holding her so close that I could feel her heart beat through her lavender dress. Oh God, how I wanted that to be me.
The guitar slipped from my fingers before I could even notice I had stopped playing. I wasn't playing much, mind you - for most slow love songs don't require a heavy rock guitar beat - but yet it was the sound of an ear-piercing wave of feedback that caused the rest of the band to stop as well. The crowd, once dancing slowly in one large rhythmic sway, started to murmur among themselves about the sudden loss of music, and a few accusing glances glared up at me - mostly from upperclass boys who were planning to use that dance as their way of getting lucky tonight.
My eyes searched the crowd frantically - one of the few times I tore my eyes away from Sora and Tai - and decided, no, instinctually knew, that I had to get off that stage. I couldn't stand to be there anymore, playing those damn love songs I wrote only for her, watching like a fool as she fell in love with another boy. With a mumbled "I'm sorry," to Skids, I rushed myself off the stage. I didn't know where I was to go to escape the complete hell the Youth Day Dance had turned out to be, but all I knew was I couldn't stay one more second in a room as the odd man out.
I had no idea Tai kissing Sora could affect me this way - two days ago I had no idea Tai kissing Sora could affect me at all. But these feelings were all so strange to me, and everything I've discovered in the past two days has both intrigued me and scared the hell out of me. Why did I care so much if Tai kissed her? He was the one who was at the dance with her, and now it was painfully obvious to all of us that she truly wanted to be with him tonight, and not with me. All the facts were spread out before me, and I knew that all these feelings I had were so pointless.
And then still, the question rose up, unrelenting: why did I care?
I stopped short after I pushed my way through the deserted Northern corridor doors. It hit me. The answer finally hit me.
I think I'm in love with her.
Why did I feel this way about her? Why did I still think like I had a claim to my best friend when it was obvious she did not feel the same way about me? Why did it hurt so much when I saw her with someone else? It was all making sense now; I didn't just want her because Tai had her, and I didn't just want her because she was different than any other girl I've had. I wanted her because she was Sora, and that was the only reason I wanted her. Everything about her - her smile, her bright eyes, her genuine personality - it was all just so perfect, and now I knew, that my life would never be the same if I couldn't be with her.
T.K. was right. He told me that I couldn't understand him, couldn't even begin to understand how he and Kari felt for each other, because I never loved someone like they loved each other. And maybe he was right. He was right, earlier that afternoon, when I thought my infatuation with Sora was just a stupid crush that would hopefully fizzle out in a week. But now, things were different. Seeing Sora on that dance floor with Tai, my heart broke, and I knew exactly what I had to lose when it came to Sora; I would lose her smile, her laugh, her friendship. I would lose her.
I sighed, wringing my fingers through my hair, frustrated. "I've already lost her," I said to myself pathetically.
But deep in my mind, I knew that I couldn't say I lost my Sora. I never truly had her in the first place.
8:51 P.M.
Wednesday 16 May
Odaiba High
Sora
"Matt?" I looked up at the makeshift stage quizzically. The slow, romantic melody emanating from the gym's speakers suddenly stopped, and the gym grew silent, save for the confused dancers below. Perhaps someone saw what had happened - maybe an amp blew out, for I knew that the Teenage Wolves were not the wealthiest band in Odaiba. All I knew was that one moment, I was dancing slowly with Tai, enjoying the scent of his cologne and how his hair felt without gel, and the next moment I was kissing him, and the whole Youth Day Dance just stopped.
Not metaphorically; it was then that Matt stopped playing. The Youth Day Dance really did stop.
I wonder if that kiss had anything to do with it?
Nah; it was probably something else.
On the stage, Matt seemed frozen. His eyes darted through the crowd, and beads of sweat started to form on his furrowed brow. I would think that he got sudden stage fright if I didn't know him better - Matt, for as long as I've known him, wasn't scared of anything short of a rampaging Monochromon. I had no idea what happened, but as Matt's crystal blue eyes met mine, so far away on the stage, I saw why he had stopped playing. I could see in his eyes why he dropped his guitar with an ear-piercing sound blasting through the speakers.
It was me. I could see it was about me. It was about me and Tai.
And it was then that Matt turned tail on a bewildered crowd and fled from the dance.
I had to follow him. I had this terrible feeling this all had something to do with me, and I needed to find out why. Matt had acted so strangely around me in the past few days, pushing me away and virtually breaking our friendship almost for good. I just didn't understand this; Matt had been acting like he hated me, yet he freaked out at the dance, supposedly because of me. I had to find out why he was acting so strangely, and now; if I didn't act now, I might never get a straightforward answer. I might never get an answer at all.
I absently fell out of Tai's embrace. I think he shouted, confused with my actions, but I wasn't paying much attention to it at all. My eyes were fixed on the stage, imagining the nearest gymnasium exit Matt might make a beeline to, just to get out of this room.
The North door. The stairwell to the auditorium. It would be empty, and that was where I'd find Matt.
I took off immediately, pushing determinedly through the restless teens, towards the North entrance. Vaguely, I heard Tai call back to me; I was so intent on reaching Matt that I didn't realize Tai was following me until I felt his strong hand fall firmly on my shoulder.
"Sora?" I spun around to face Tai's confused and - was that saddened? - expression looking back at me. He looked hurt; I felt terrible that I ran away from him like that. I knew that I was there at the dance with Tai tonight, and it was terrible of me to run after Matt when I knew it would hurt Tai's feelings. But something inside me compelled me, pulled me away from Tai and towards the North hallway to Matt. It was more than just my concern for a friend. I was not sure what that was, but I knew it was something more than that.
My eyes pleaded with Tai, and begged for his forgiveness of me - I couldn't say it aloud, or I'd risk the chance of crying - until I could stand no more of his saddened eyes, and continued on to the door. I truly didn't want to hurt Tai; I just hoped he would forgive me.
I made a beeline for the Northern Exit, and although I could hear Tai shouting behind me in the throng of teenage dancers, I refused to turn back. If I went back to explain this to Tai, I might never try again to find out what was wrong with Matt. I had to do this; it just couldn't wait another minute.
Pushing open the heavy doors, I realized that I knew Matt better than I thought; there he was at the Northern corridor, just as I had guessed it, and he looked completely miserable. He held his head in his hands, his slim fingers woven tightly through his golden blond hair. He paced back and forth, unaware of my presence; perhaps he had things on his mind. He looked like he was in complete turmoil - and it pained me to think that I was the cause of it.
"I've already lost her," he mumbled to himself. Was...was he talking about me? Oh, God, how I wanted to rush over to him and hug him, take those beautiful hands out of his gorgeous hair and tell him that he never did lose me, that I'm still here; that I've always been here.
Why didn't I? Was I scared? Did I still have feelings for Tai? I couldn't say; I had no idea. My heart was telling me to go over there, to be with him, but my feet just wouldn't move from their spot. I felt glued to the tiles - thank God my vocal chords still decided to work. I opened my mouth, a wave of uncertainty hitting me like the cool air of the gym, and I said,
"Matt?"
He wheeled around, startled, and looked at me, his eyes filled with unshed tears. "Sora," he said, his voice not doing a good job at masking the shock on his face. We stood there, frozen, neither of us daring to make a move.
But I had to do this now. It was now...or never.
