Chapter 3 -- Brick Walls

Cole lay with his eyes closed for several minutes after he woke up, not wanting to leave the warm, comfortable bed. Or the woman still sleeping next to him. He opened his eyes and glanced curiously at her. She was curled up on her side facing him, her face flush, a slight smile playing across her features. She looked beautiful, peaceful, a stark contrast to the night before. Smiling, he brushed a few stray strands of hair out of her face. Although she did not stir, her smile widened faintly at his touch, encouraging Cole. Impulsively, he leaned towards her and gently kissed her forehead.

"So beautiful..." he whispered, rising and getting dressed.

He was faintly troubled by the argument of the night before, but, watching Mel, it was hard not to feel serene. He would find a way to keep her. A woman like Mel was worth fighting for, no matter how hard it might prove to be. All he had to do was figure out what he had done to upset her and not do it again. Easiest thing in the world. Smiling, he gave Mel one last kiss before leaving the bedroom.

He hesitated outside of the closed door of his room. The War-room, Mel had dubbed it. Frowning thoughtfully and wondering at the significance of the title, he pushed the door open and entered.

"If you don't mind me asking, what exactly are we doing?" Mel asked brightly as Cole worked.

"Looking for them."

He frowned. Them? Looking? He glanced around the room, willing himself to remember who they were and why he had been looking for them. And why did thinking about it make him feel so unsettled? Everything about this room was uncomfortable for some reason. Shaking his head, he backed out and closed the door.

Downstairs. Lots of good feelings associated with the bar. Nodding, he quietly left the apartment. Gwen had not yet arrived for the day, so he was alone. Shrugging, he turned on the jukebox. Leaning against the jukebox and closing his eyes, he listened to the music, their song, and lost himself in the memory of learning to dance in Mel's arms.

"That is your favorite song, isn't it?" an amused voice asked.

Cole smiled but did not open his eyes. "Hello, Gwen."

"Do you ever listen to anything else?" Gwen laughed, shaking her head and hanging up her jacket.

Cole shook his head. "No, I don't think so." As the song ended, he opened his eyes and turned to face her, smiling.

She shook her head and pulled a small radio/CD player out of her backpack. "Variety is the spice of life, Mister Hauser." Grinning, she tuned the radio to her favorite oldies station. "Now this is music!" she announced as 'Higher and Higher' came on. "Jackie Robinson. Mmm..." She looked up at Cole who was staring at her uncertainly. "What? Not your speed?"

He shook his head slowly. "I'm not sure. I mean, it's... nice."

She smiled and turned down the radio. "It's all good. More into pop?" she asked, fiddling the dial.

"What is that song you were listening to yesterday?" he asked abruptly. It had been very pretty, and had made him feel very nice.

"Yesterday?" she repeated, frowning thoughtfully.

"Yes, when Mel and I came back from the airport."

"Oh, right... Um..." She paused thoughtfully for a moment. "Oh! 'Sister Golden Hair'."

He smiled and nodded. "It's a very pretty song. Can we listen to it again?"

She nodded and pulled a CD caddy out of her bag, flipping through the CDs until she found the right one. "America. Good group. You know their other work?"

He thought for a moment, then shook his head, rubbing it. He was starting to get very annoyed with that nagging pain that showed up every time he tried to remember anything. Sighing, he sat down. "Don't think so. Not sure."

"It's okay." She smiled and plugged the CD in. "Track... Twelve." She leaned her elbows on the bar as the music started. She watched Cole listening with a faint smile on his face.

Well, I keep on thinking 'bout you, Sister Golden Hair, surprise,

And I just can't live without you; can't you see it in my eyes?

I've been one poor correspondent, and I've been too, too hard to find,

But it doesn't mean you ain't been on my mind...

Cole smiled as he listened to the refrain. It was so... appropriate. An almost perfect description of his mental state in the last few days. He grinned up at Gwen. "I like that. It's very nice."

"Fitting, even." She smiled at him and turned off the player. "See, this is why it's good to listen to many different types of music. You can always find something to fit your mood."

Cole smiled and nodded. The song had cheered him greatly.

"So, how was your night?" Gwen asked gently after a few minutes of silence.

He frowned, his cheerful mood evaporating. "Not good. I think I upset Mel." He sighed. "Again."

"What happened?" Gwen asked, putting on a pot of coffee.

"I don't know." He shook his head and walked over to her, sitting at the bar. "All I did was tell her that I'd never leave her and she got upset..." He sighed and shook his head. "I don't understand it, Gwen. I'm trying so hard..."

"Yeah, I know. So does Miss Porter."

"Then why is she angry with me?"

"She's really not, Mister Hauser."

He frowned dubiously. "She's acting like she is."

Gwen shook her head and gave him a gentle smile. "No, she's just frustrated. Like you. This is hard for her, too. She worries about you, Mister Hauser..."

He sighed. "I know. I just... It would be so much easier if she would just tell me why she's... acting like she is." He shook his head in frustration. "Or if I could remember something..."

"No luck yet on that front?" she asked quietly.

He shook his head. "Trying to remember... it's like... hitting my head against a brick wall..."

Gwen considered this for a moment. "What do you say we find a way around that brick wall for you, then?"

"Is that possible?" he asked, surprised.

"There is only one way to find out." Gwen gave him a challenging smile. "Come on, what do you say?"

Cole nodded. Finding his memories would make Mel happy, and it would make it easier for him to make Mel happy. "What do I do?"

She smiled and extended her hand. "Let's grab a seat." They walked into the alcove together and sat down on one of the couches there. Gwen pulled her knees under her chin. "You trust me?" she asked Cole.

He nodded. "Shouldn't I?"

Gwen grinned and shrugged. "Not sure. Maybe I've got a deep dark secret or two in here somewhere."

He smiled and shook his head. "I don't think so." A nice young girl like that could not possibly have anything to hide. "Why do you ask?"

"Because, if we're going to do this, you need to be willing to do what I tell you." She grinned wickedly. "Within reason."

Cole looked at her uncertainly, not sure what she was getting at. "What are you going to ask me to do?"

"Um..." Gwen considered. "Visualizations."

"Visualizations?" he repeated, frowning curiously.

She nodded. "I'm going to ask you to picture some things in your mind. Hopefully, this'll help you remember things." She added, "It's not even real hypnosis, so you retain total control." Like most psychology students, Gwen had been trained to be wary of all things Freudian, including hypnosis to a large extent.

Cole nodded. "Picturing things in my mind. I think I can do that."

She nodded and smiled at him. "Okay, good. Get comfortable and then close your eyes." When he had shifted position slightly and closed his eyes, she continued in a low, gentle tone, "Just focus on my voice, okay?"

"Okay..." He nodded.

"Good. I want you to relax. Ignore everything except the sound of my voice. Let the sounds of the traffic outside fade. Go into your own mind, as deep as you need to in order to be comfortable. The only thing you need to be concerned about that isn't in your mind is my voice. Those are the only two things that matter. Okay? The weight of your clothes, the way the armrest feels under your hands... let those slip away. They're only distracting you. You can ignore them. You should. The only things that matter are your own mind and my voice. Do you understand?"

"Yeah..." his voice was soft, distant and he did not move.

"Wonderful." Gwen smiled faintly and lightly touched his hand. No reaction. "Wonderful, Cole. You're doing a wonderful job. You can move around in your mind freely now, can't you?"

"No. There are barriers. Walls."

Gwen frowned. That would have been too easy, but she had hoped. "Okay. Go to a place that you're comfortable. Somewhere that makes you feel peaceful. Can you reach such a place?"

Cole cast about in his mind, encountering wall after wall, until he found himself in the Watchfire, dancing with Mel. He smiled. "Yes."

"Good." Gwen smiled. She had never tried this particular technique before, but so far it seemed to be working. "Okay. You memorize the location of this place, so that no matter what happens you can always go back there. Nothing can harm you here. The outside world can't reach in. Do you understand?"

"Yes. Just me and Mel."

Gwen bit her lower lip, grinning. He certainly did have a one-track mind. "Yes, just you and Mel. Now... I want you to think about something that you would like to remember but can't. Okay, take your time... Something you'd really like to remember... It doesn't have to be big or important... just something that it'll make you happy to recall. Can you think of something like that?"

Cole paused for a minute. "Meeting Mel."

Gwen nodded. "Okay. That's a good one. I need you to leave your peaceful place now. Imagine that you walk outside, and you're walking down a road. Look around as you go. See things that have happened in your life. Don't bother trying to absorb them yet, just walk. The farther you walk, the more you see. Look for Mel. Can you see her?"

"Yes." Cole smiled again. "Her car's broken and... she's wearing a pretty dress. There's no one else around, and she looks worried to see me. She's scared of me..." He paused briefly, trying to discern why. "I think she must think that I want to harm her, but... I start her car for her, and she offers to drive me into Chicago. She... she talks the whole way." He smiled happily. "She has a very beautiful voice."

Gwen looked up to see Mel standing in the stairway looking surprised and, perhaps, a little worried. "That's good, Mister Hauser. How's your head?"

"It hurts a lot."

"Okay. I want you to go back into your peaceful place. Do you remember the way?"

"Yes."

"Good. Go there. Relax there until your head starts feeling better, then tell me when you're ready to look for another memory. Okay?"

"Okay."

Gwen rose and walked over to Mel. "We're just working on some visualization techniques to see if he can't recover some of his memories that way..." she said quietly.

"Did you hypnotize him?" Mel asked, staring at Cole.

That could be dangerous. What if he said something that he was not supposed to? What if he already had? Her first impulse was to be furious with Gwen, but the girl was, of course, just being her usual, helpful self. Gwen had no idea about who and what Cole was, so she would  not have seen any harm in this... whatever it was. Gwen was being Gwen, trying to help without being asked, like the way she often had the entire bar set up before Mel even got up in the morning.

Of course this was entirely different. It had nothing to do with washing glasses and putting out bowls of nuts and pretzels. From the look on Gwen's face, Cole had not had, or, at least not revealed any memories about being an alien, but that meant very little. He might at any time with Gwen leading him on a guided tour through his own mind.

Gwen shook her head. "No, not really. He's just in a state of deep relaxation and introspection. It facilitates the visualization process."

"Oh..." Mel nodded as though she understood that, a habit she had picked up living around Cole. "Is it working?"

Gwen nodded. "He just remembered your first meeting."

"I heard." She nodded and smiled. He had almost brought tears to her eyes when he described her voice as beautiful.

Mel quickly considered what course to take. If she let this continue, she faced the risk that Cole might remember something about being an alien. Of course, remembering it for himself might be better, easier for him, than having Mel try to break it to him. Still, if he remembered something and revealed it to Gwen... that would cause problems. As would her attempting to stop this now, which would raise many  questions from both of them.

So, what to do?

The real question, of course, was how far could Mel trust Cole not to reveal something to Gwen that would raise problems later on. As badly as she wanted Cole to recall anything at all, she was worried about Gwen's reaction to any accidental disclosures. Which would be worse? Gwen's reaction to the revelation that Cole was not human or Gwen's reaction to Mel cutting off the impromptu session midway? Might Gwen not just as easily decide that any assertion Cole made that he was not human were simply another defense-mechanism?

And, of course, there was one other factor to consider. Cole's wishes. Cole had asked Gwen to help him, or, at least, agreed to accept her help. How would he react if Mel tried to stop the recovery process? Mel had been agonizing over her inability to tell the truth to him, comparing herself to Zin and her actions to Zin's betrayal of Cole. Was circumventing this half-way through when it was so obviously working really any different than her previous omissions?

"Can I... watch?" she asked, finally, hoping to be able to prevent Cole from revealing too much if it came to that, not sure what else to do. She really had no clue what else to do.

Gwen nodded. "Sure. Your place, your friend."

Mel grabbed a chair and sat close to Cole, almost but not quite touching him. Gwen sat down near him on the couch again and waited patiently.

"My head feels better now..." Cole said finally.

"Good." Gwen smiled and nodded. "Want to try another?"

"Can he hear me?" Mel asked abruptly.

"Yes, Mel..." Cole said, smiling. "I can hear you."

Gwen looked a little startled by this. "I thought you were ignoring outside distractions, Mister Hauser."

"Mel is too distracting." His smile flickered.

"I can't afford to be distracted again..." he hated himself even as he said it, feeling empty and so very, very alone...

He shook his head and quickly returned to his peaceful place, to the solitude of Mel's arms. "My head hurts."

"It's okay... you're okay. Just relax in your peaceful place until the pain goes away. Inhale clean, pure air. Exhale the pain and the confusion. Inhale the clean, pure air. Exhale the pain and the confusion. See it as a little cloud of vapor, like when it's cold outside. Watch it leave your body. Feel it leaving you. Feel the peace and the serenity all around you. Let it relax you. Remember that nothing can hurt you in here. The outside world can't reach in. It's just you and my voice." She paused, then added, "And Miss Porter."

Cole smiled. "Yes. Just Mel and the sound of your voice. My head feels better now."

"Good." Gwen smiled and nodded. "Let's try to find another memory. You said earlier that there were barriers?"

"Yes. Many of them. Brick walls that hurt."

"Only because you're running into them head-first. That's bound to hurt. I want you to find one, but don't try to move through it. Just find one and put your hand on it. Tell me when you've found one."

There was a brief pause. Cole searched his mind for the nearest brick wall. He looked at it thoughtfully, imagined resting his hand against it. "I've found one. It's... very high. I don't think I can get over it."

"Don't try..." Gwen said gently. "Feel the brick under your hand. What does it feel like?"

Cole frowned. "Cold. Hurts my hand."

"Okay, that's okay. Take your hand off the wall, reach into your pocket. There's a pair of gloves there. Take them out, put them on."

"They aren't here."

"They're in your other pocket. Look there..." she said firmly.

He smiled. "I found them."

"Good." Gwen smiled, pleased that he was being so agreeable. "Put them on."

"Okay."

"Now put your hand on the wall again."

"Okay."

"Are the gloves keeping your hands warm?"

"Kind of."

"Okay." Gwen nodded. "Start walking, Mister Hauser. Keep one hand on the wall and just walk. See if there's a way around it, or a crack or a door. Some way to get inside."

"There is a door."

"Good." Gwen smiled. "Open it."

"I can't, it's locked."

"That can't stop you. You aren't in the physical world. Put your hand over the knob, close your eyes, and will the door to unlock. It will."

Cole did as she suggested, then smiled. "I can turn the knob now."

Gwen grinned. "Wonderful. Now, open the door and look inside. What can you see?"

"A clearing in the forest. Two men." He frowned, confused. "One of them is me..."

"That's okay. It's a memory. As soon as you step over that threshold, you become the man in the memory. The memory becomes yours again. Take the step."

Cole hesitated. The two men circled each other as if they were about to fight. "No. I'm scared."

"Nothing in there can hurt you. The outside world can't get in. You don't have to be afraid..." Gwen assured him. "Take the step."

"You just don't give up, do you, Tracker?" his opponent sneered.

"No." Cole shook his head. "I can't. It's... it makes me feel... empty. Alone."

Mel took his hand in hers. "Cole, you are not alone..."

He squeezed her hand and smiled, reassured. "Will you come with me, Mel?"

"Yes..." she whispered. "As long as we are a part of each other's lives, Cole, you never have to worry about being alone."

Cole smiled and squeezed her hand again, then stepped through the door.

"You just don't give up, do you, Tracker?" his opponent sneered.

"After you killed those girls? You expected me to ignore that?" He shook his head, looking incredulous. "You thought I would rest before I recaptured you? You're worse than Zin, Ansen! Children!"

"If you knew what Zin had planned for these monkeys, you wouldn't say that."

"You kill children for fun!" he spat in disgust. "You deserve worse than what you're going to get from me."

"Killing them wasn't all I did..." Ansen taunted, reaching into his pocket. "They begged for death by the time I was through with them, Tracker. You... your death will be easy compared to theirs."

"This is going to be very painful..." Cole said softly, grabbing Ansen's shoulder.

A blinding flash of green light knocked Cole to his knees. He clutched his stomach, feeling weak and disoriented. By the time the second shot hit him, this time squarely in the face, he was too weak to even move out of the way.

Amelia jumping to his defense... Red and black energy flowing from Ansen into his hand...

"Ah!" Cole gasped, clutching his head and sliding to the floor.

"Cole!" Mel muttered anxiously, glaring at Gwen.

Wide-eyed, she shook her head in confusion, at a loss for words. That was not supposed to happen. "What happened, Mister Hauser? Was it something you remembered?"

"Ansen..." he gasped, resting his head in Mel's lap. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. "Those poor little girls..." he whispered, tears forming in his eyes.

"Oh, Cole..." Mel muttered. "It's okay. You caught him, so it's okay. He can't hurt any more children." She paused. "You did catch him?"

"Yes, but not before he..." Cole trailed off. "He attacked me somehow. I... I'm not sure..."

"It's okay..." Mel reassured him gently. "You're going to be okay."

"My head hurts so bad..." he whispered.

Gwen dropped to her knees next to him. "Close your eyes. Go back to your peaceful place. Let yourself relax. You caught Ansen, you did the job. You don't need to worry about that any more. Absorb all the serenity around you, breathe it in. Exhale the pain and anxiety. You made a lot of progress this morning. We're both very proud of you. Feel Mel's hand on your back, her hand on your face. She's there for you. Always. No matter what. Not just in your peaceful place, but everywhere..."

"Everywhere..." Cole whispered, nodding and opening his eyes. "I... my head hurts. I need to rest now."

Gwen nodded as she and Mel helped him to his feet. "You did very well. I'm sorry it had to be painful for you."

"It's... okay. Not important." Cole nodded weakly. "What's important is that I remember more than I did." He looked hopefully at Mel, recalling that she had quizzed him about his profession their first night back together, asking him to remember for her. "I remember what my job is..."

Mel smiled, happy tears in her eyes. "That's great, Cole. Let's get you upstairs."

"We need to talk later..." Gwen muttered to Mel as they walked past.

Startled, Mel nodded, then returned her attention to Cole. "Come on, Cole... You did great..." she muttered quietly, supporting him up the stairs and into the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, too weak to move, so Mel started pulling off his shirt.

As Mel undressed him, he reflected on the memory, in spite of the pain the action brought. It was something Mel wanted him to remember.

"You just don't give up, do you, Tracker?" The term Tracker spoken like the ultimate slur.

Mel's voice, "What exactly are we doing?"

"Looking for them." Them, the fugitives. Men like Ansen, escaped prisoners. He had to find them, all of them. That was his job.

He cradled his head in his hands, hissing in pain.

"It's okay, Cole..." Mel assured him gently, pushing him back onto the bed. "You stay put and I'll get you something for the pain."

He smiled lovingly at her. "Thank you, Mel."

Cole closed his eyes and considered the information that the memories had provided. His job: tracking escaped criminals. Dangerous men. A dangerous job. No wonder Mel was so worried all the time.

"Here you go, Cole..." Mel said softly, helping him sit up and swallow the pills. She pulled off his pants before helping him lie down again. She turned off the lights and pulled the blanket just past his waist. "Roll on your side, Cole."

He looked up at her. "Why, Mel?"

"I want to rub your back. When I was a kid, I used to get headaches sometimes, and sometimes getting my back rubbed would help."

"Okay."

"Hang on, I want to go get you a wet washcloth, too."

Mel's voice, "I want to let you know that I am doing this only on two conditions. One, you hold completely still. And two, the washcloth goes back where it was!"

Interesting. Wondering what she could have been talking about, Cole rolled onto his side with his back to her. Even if it did not help his head, it would feel nice to have Mel rubbing his back.

"Why are you rubbing my chest, Mel?"

Embarrassed, "I am not rubbing your chest..."

He looked down at her hand on his bare chest. There were traces of dried blood on his skin. "Yes you are. It feels good."

Cole smiled at the memory of the way her cool, soft hand had felt against his chest, but was troubled by the memory of the blood that had been there. Had he been hurt? Had he hurt someone else? The pain in his head increased, so he stopped searching for answers.

"Here, let's just put this against your forehead..." Mel said softly, leaning over him and placing a cool, damp cloth over his forehead and eyes. "How's that feel? Too cold?"

"No, Mel. Feels good."

"Okay."

Mel dried her hands on her jeans and gently placed one in the center of Cole's back. Touching Cole was always very problematic because he was not the only one who liked the way it felt, but Mel reminded herself firmly that she was only trying to help and that she was not going to let her hands, or her mind, wander. Cole was in pain and he was vulnerable, not to mention being naive even at the best of times. Closing her eyes, she began rubbing slowly, in small circles. She used only one hand and repeated to herself more than once that this was a simple therapeutic back-rub, not foreplay.

Cole exhaled deeply. There was something very soothing about the gentle, almost tentative touch, and he could feel the muscles in his neck and back relaxing. Soon, his entire body relaxed under her tender care.

"Mmm..." he muttered softly.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concerned, her hand pausing.

"Please don't stop, Mel..." he murmured, half-asleep. "It's really helping."

Mel smiled faintly at his tone of voice. Like she could possibly say no to him when he asked for anything in that quiet, gentle way he had. "Okay..." Mel muttered, resuming her interrupted pace. "Close your eyes... Try to sleep."

"Mmm... Mel?" he asked distantly.

"Yeah, Cole?" she said quietly.

"What do you dream about?" he asked, repeating the question she had asked him yesterday.

Mel was a little startled by the question, seemingly out of the blue. "Uh, different things."

"And some are bad?"

"Yeah." Mel nodded and sighed. "Some are bad."

"And some are good?"

"Yes." Mel smiled faintly. This curious mood was a lot like the Cole she knew and loved. "Some of them are good."

"Do you ever dream about me?" he asked hopefully.

Mel paused, wide-eyed, glad Cole had his back to her. Finally, she decided that honesty was probably the way to go. "Yeah, Cole. Sometimes I dream about you."

"Good dreams?"

She started to answer automatically that they were mostly good dreams, but caught herself. "Yeah, Cole. Good dreams..."

He rolled onto his back and smiled up at her, taking her hand gently in his. "Why don't I dream, Mel?"

"I don't know, Cole..." she answered honestly. "You just don't."

"I wish I could. I'd like to dream about you."

Mel flushed, both flattered and embarrassed. "Get some sleep, Cole. After you wake up, we need to talk."

"Okay, Mel." He nodded and gently kissed her hand. As she rose to leave, he quietly after her, "Mel?"

She turned, surprised and curious. "Yes, Cole?"

He paused, not sure how to express his desire for their relationship to be as he remembered it. Finally, sadly, he gave up. "Never mind, Mel."

She smiled at him. "Sleep well, Cole. Feel better."

"Yes, Mel. Thank you, Mel."