Chapter 4 -- Real Reasons

Mel sat with Cole for several minutes before rising and walking downstairs. She needed a drink in a very bad way, even if it was not yet nine o'clock. Cole's little therapy session with Gwen, or, more accurately, his reaction to it, had left her feeling more than a little unsettled. Gwen had worn the same shocked expression as Mel knew she must have been. Cole's reaction had been nothing approaching normal. Something was very seriously wrong with him.

Mel sighed, feeling helpless as she let herself into the bar. Gwen was washing glasses while talking on her cell-phone.

"...and then bam! Migraine. It was... atypical." She paused and made a face into the phone. "Well, yeah. Suggestions?" She listened for a few more seconds, rolling her eyes. "Yes, obviously. So what do I do about it?" She looked up and smiled at Mel. "Hey, Miss Porter." Into the phone, "Yeah, I guess so. Okay. Thanks, doc. Bye." She hung up the phone, shaking her head.

Mel approached the bar slowly, a little nervous that Gwen had been talking to doctor about Cole. "I need a drink, Gwen."

Gwen looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, then shrugged. It was not her job to point out the obvious. "Very large, very dry... Coming up, Miss Porter."

"Who were you... talking to?" Mel asked, trying to sound casual, as Gwen mixed her drink.

"Oh, a Prof from school. Getting a second opinion." She handed Mel her drink without really looking at her.

"You... have a first opinion?" Mel asked, sipping her drink. It turned her stomach and she pushed it away with a grimace and a groan.

"Seltzer water?" Gwen offered, dumping the drink.

Mel nodded. "Please." When Gwen handed her a tall glass of seltzer water, she took it with a nod. "Thanks. You were saying something about a second opinion. You have an opinion?"

Gwen nodded. "Yeah, I do. Nothing you're going to want to hear, though."

Mel frowned, concerned. What if Gwen and her psychiatrist friend both agreed that it was unlikely that Cole was ever going to be able to recover all of his memories?

"Go ahead..." Mel thought that she had come up with the worst-case scenario, but she was entirely unprepared for what Gwen said next.

"The pain is psychological. Probably the amnesia too..." Gwen said apologetically.

"Whoa... Wait a minute..." Mel protested, wishing that Gwen had not already dumped her drink. "His inability to remember anything... is in his head?"

Gwen nodded slightly. "That's what I think. And it's not that he can't remember anything. He remembers quite a bit, actually. He just... remembers very, very selectively." She sighed and thought carefully before speaking again, wanting to be perfectly clear for Mel. "If he couldn't remember anything at all, I'd lend more credence to the theory that there was... some kind of physical trauma that was causing this. If he remembered things more or less at random, I'd probably still be willing to buy it."

"But?" Mel asked, frowning uncertainly. She had noticed that Cole's memory was being strangely selective in Alaska, but had not really thought much of it.

"But... He remembers what he wants to remember. Almost all happy memories. When he tries to go deeper, to look past the happy surface into a maybe less happy context... When he tries to remember memories that aren't happy, things like Ansen, Ansen's crimes, getting attacked by Ansen..."

"That's when the pain starts..." Mel muttered, shaking her head, stunned.

Gwen was, of course, absolutely right. But... what now? There was so much more at stake here than one man and his memories. There was Zin. His fugitives. His other criminal enterprise in London. Possibly others beyond that one. Not to mention the fact that Cole was not human. Earth was not his home and it never would be, no matter how much he wanted to believe otherwise. These were considerations that made her earlier worry over his belief that they were married seem absolutely trite.

She closed her eyes against the tears that threatened. Poor Cole. "How do we convince him to... stop it?" she asked quietly.

Gwen handed her a clean bar-rag. "That's kind of the problem. He's not doing this consciously, none of it. He has no more control over the pain and the memories right now than he would if he actually had sustained a hit to the head."

"What about... hypnosis or something?"

Gwen shook her head. "No. I wouldn't recommend it... not for the recovery of memories. Um, hypnosis makes people very suggestible, which is not always a good thing. Um... there's been credible research to indicate that a lot of the memories recovered under hypnosis are not necessarily even the real thing."

"False memories?" Mel asked. "I read something about that a few years ago, I think... Some parents sued a psychiatrist after their daughter..."

"Alleged that they had committed all kinds of crimes. Based on memories recovered under hypnosis. There wasn't evidence to support one of them. In fact, there was a rather large settlement entered in favor of the parents. The daughter later recanted her allegations and became something of a crusader against recovered-memory therapies."

Mel nodded, absorbing this. "Then what do I do?" she asked with a sigh. "Force Cole to fight for every memory? Subject him to these headaches every day for the rest of his life? I can't do that to him."

"Force the issue..." Gwen told her simply.

Mel stared uncertainly at her. "How?"

"Easily. Just open your mouth and start talking. That is... the standard therapy in most organic cases."

"Organic?"

"Sorry. Amnesia caused by either physical trauma or disease. The point is that when you don't expect a person to recover the memory, you simply supply them with the pertinent information. 'Your children are Jane, eight and Alex, three'. 'Their birthdays are June third and March sixth'."

"In other words, just give up on him ever recovering his memory and spoon-feed him the things that he used to know?" Mel asked. "I can't... he knows things that--"

"No, you miss the point." Gwen shook her head. "His amnesia is not organic. We can expect him to recover his memories. The only thing that's keeping him from doing so now is that he doesn't want to. So he builds defenses against recovering them. You supply him with the information, you remove the need for the defenses."

Mel nodded, starting to understand. "So the memory returns."

Gwen nodded. "At least, that's my thought. Doctor Clarke's, too." She smiled faintly. "The best part is that, even if it doesn't work, it still helps."

Mel  nodded. "Yeah. That's... that's actually pretty..." She laughed softly. "It could work." Mel picked up a towel and wiped her eyes, smiling. "That's... that could actually work."

"Of course, the really important thing is to be completely forthcoming..." Gwen said gently.

Mel looked up, startled. "Well, yeah. Of course."

"There may be things about him that neither of you really want him to know..." Gwen shrugged and washed a few more glasses. "If you're holding out on him at all right now, Miss Porter, that's got to end." She hastened to add, "I'm not implying that you would or anything. Just a standard disclaimer."

Mel grinned and nodded. "I know, Gwen." She sighed. "Of course, we all have things we'd rather forget..."

"I know." Gwen nodded in quiet agreement. "Believe me, I do. But... when it come right down to it, without my memories, without all of them, good, bad, and indifferent, I'm not me. I'm... some other woman who just looks like me and happens to share some of my personality traits."

Mel nodded, sighing. Gwen was right. Without his memories of who he was, what he did, without his memories of home, his childhood, his family, losing his family... Without these, Cole simply was not Cole. He was an attractive stranger who loved her under false pretenses, just because he thought that was the way things were supposed to be.

"You okay, Miss Porter?" Gwen asked gently. "You don't look so great."

"Just... thinking. It's going to be hard for him. Me, too, actually."

"You'll do fine." Gwen gave her a reassuring grin and patted her hand. "You've got a lot of strength in there." She pointed to Mel's heart. "You'll do just fine."

"What if... what if he doesn't want to believe me?" Mel asked as it occurred to her for the first time. Cole might just as easily decide that she was crazy or kidding.

"He needs to know you're serious. Remind him that you care about him and would never hurt him. Make him believe in spite of himself."

"Make him believe in spite of himself..." Mel repeated, nodding.

This was not going to be anywhere as easy as Gwen seemed to believe. How was she supposed to go about convincing a man who believed that he was a normal, happily married human that he was actually a single alien prison-guard who only lived with the woman he thought he loved because she was convenient?

"I think I need an aspirin..." Mel muttered.

"I've got some Excedrin in my backpack..." Gwen offered, pulling the bottle out and handing Mel a few.

Mel accepted them gratefully. "Thanks, Gwen."

"You should probably get something to eat. Those things are hell on an empty stomach." Gwen gave Mel a sympathetic smile. "Anything I can do to help?" she asked.

Mel shook her head. "No. This... this is about Cole and me." Of course, it was not. It was about Cole and Zin and Cirron and the fugitives, but telling Gwen that was out of the question. Smiling faintly, Mel added, "I'm just glad that I hired you instead of that Janet woman..."

Gwen giggled softly. "Lucky thing, that. Must have been fate."

"What is it with you and fate?" Mel laughed, shaking her head.

Gwen grinned and shrugged. "Hasn't let me down once yet."

"Huh... Lucky you. Take the night off, Gwen."

"Closing the bar?" she asked.

Mel nodded. "Something tells me this is not going to be a five-minute conversation. I don't want any distractions."

Gwen nodded. "Good idea, I think. Good luck."

"Thanks for listening, Gwen."

"Hey, I'm a bartender... it's what I do." With a wink and a grin, Gwen shouldered her backpack and started for the door. "Hey, you want me to hang about for a while? Until Mister Hauser wakes up or something? I mean... if you want company..."

Mel smiled, grateful for the girl's offer, but needing time to think. "No, Gwen. Thank you, though. You have a great day."

"Yeah." Gwen nodded. "You, too. You have my cell if you need anything."

Mel smiled. "Thanks, Gwen. Bye."

"Bye, Miss Porter. Good luck."

"Thanks, I'll need it." Mel smiled as she watched Gwen go. Her smile faded as she considered where to start. "Cole, yeah... You... aren't human." She shook her head. "No, Mel. You're going to have to do better than that." She rubbed her eyes thoughtfully. "Or not. He healed Amelia... I can start there." Nodding, Mel hoped that things went smoothly.

***

When Cole opened his eyes, the first sight to confront them was Mel, sitting on the edge of the bed and regarding him thoughtfully.

"You have beautiful eyes..." he told her with a smile. He yawned. "Did I sleep long?"

"Yeah." Mel nodded. "About seven hours. How's your head?" she asked gently.

"Good. Better." He smiled up at her and took her left hand in both of his. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"Hey, that is what friends do, Cole..." she told him gently.

His smile flickered faintly. Friends? Was that really all she thought of him as? How could she given what he remembered about their relationship? "Mel, we are more than just friends."

"We're just friends..." Mel protested.

And on another occasion, "Cole is just a friend..." she said firmly.

"Cole, we are not more than just friends..." she told him gently, shaking her head apologetically. "I'm sorry, but that's... just how it has to be. I don't like it, but... that's just how it is."

"Why?" he asked, shaking his head. "Mel, I don't understand. I remember so many things..." He sat up and looked at her in confusion. "We must be. I remember... dancing with you, kissing you... I remember our honeymoon, Mel!"

She shook her head. "No, Cole... You don't. You only think you do."

"Are you saying these things never happened?" he asked, frowning uncertainly. He could not believe that. Every one of them had felt so wonderful, so real.

Mel shook her head. "They happened, Cole. Just... not like you remember. Look, get dressed and we'll talk about it. I'll tell you everything." Mel sighed and rose. "I'll be in the living-room, Cole."

"Mel, wait..." he protested, rising and starting to follow.

"Get dressed and we'll talk..." Mel repeated firmly, leaving the bedroom.

Cole stared after her in confusion. He felt a deep sense of uncertainty and foreboding and was not entirely sure that he wanted to hear what she had to say. Still, if Mel felt that there were things that she needed to tell him, then they must have been important. He quickly shrugged on his clothes and walked into the living-room.

"You want a cup of coffee?" Mel asked him quietly from the kitchen.

"No, Mel. I want to talk."

Mel sighed and walked into the living-room. "Cole, right now what I need for you to do is to listen." She sat on the edge of the couch and patted the cushion next to her. "Come sit."

"Mel, why do you look so worried?" Cole asked gently, sitting down next to her and watching her with concern.

"I'm just... not sure how you're going to take what I have to say."

"Mel, whatever it is... I'm sure that we can deal with it." He smiled at her. "Now, what's the matter?"

"You, Cole..." Mel said with a sigh. "These things you think you remember that prove that we're married."

He stared at her for a minute, then sighed. "You are saying that we aren't married?" he asked uncertainly.

Mel nodded, not looking at him. "That's exactly what I'm saying, Cole..."

"But I remember..." he protested with a sigh. He took her face gently in his hands and made her look at him, lightly running his thumbs over her lips. "We were newlyweds..."

Mel looked at him sadly, not trying to pull away. "We were undercover."

He stared at her in amazement for a moment, not wanting to believe, even though he knew it was true.

Standing on a dance-floor with Mel, speaking in low voices. Mel wanted to know if he had found them yet. Something was interfering with his equipment, with his abilities. He had a suspect, though, wanted to check out their room. Mel nodded and told him that she would cover for him, tell people he had a headache. As he had left, she had told him to be careful...

Cole sighed and dropped his hands, leaning back slightly. "I'm so sorry, Mel... I thought..." He shook his head, embarrassed. "I'm so sorry..."

"Shh... Cole..." Mel sighed and took his hands in hers. "It's okay."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked, tears forming in his eyes.

"I didn't know how." Mel sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Cole. I didn't want to hurt you..." she trailed off, shaking her head and fighting tears.

"There's more, isn't there?" he asked, reading her expression. How could there be more? What could be worse?

Mel nodded weakly. "Yeah, Cole. There's a lot more."

Cole regarded her uncertainly for several minutes, not entirely sure he liked where this was going. The look on her face suggested something dire and unpleasant. As badly, though, as he did not want to hear what she had to say, he knew that he had to. He wondered absently why, knowing what he did, his feelings for Mel had not changed in the least, but he dismissed the thought. There would be time to reason that out later.

He looked gravely at Mel. "Go ahead, Mel. I'm ready."